He was close friends with someone he slept with before we met. He wanted us to be friends but was verrry shady towards me, it was clear to me that she still had feelings for her. I voiced that to him, he apologized and cut her off immediately.
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She's 20 and has a lot of growing up to do. Sounds like you got caught up in that process. Personally, I'd move on and let her learn from the mistake. You're 22 and sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You'll bounce back from this and be just fine. Specifically, I'd probably say something along these lines.
“i understand that you technically didn't do anything wrong, but your actions show me that emotionally you're not able to handle this relationship. I forgive you, but I won't give you an opportunity to do that to me again.”
Then wish her well and go on your way. Go out on a high note. No insults, no yelling. You do that and the lesson she might take away is “he was an asshole after all!” you want to leave her with “I screwed up.”
It's only been a few weeks since they started dating and my sister is already trying to force everyone to meet him (dad particularly clearly uncomfortable and resistant).
Not sure this is a bad thing… she's in love, she's inexperienced, hence, everyone meeting him gives you the chance to get to know him, learn about their relationship….and if you see concerning behaviour, you can address it.
I literally said I would mind if the woman was a lesbian. If they aren't, I wouldn't. I know you try very hot to find homophobia but you're searching in a wrong place.
Yes, times changes, I'm just making a point it doesn't have to be romantic necessarily.
Objectively, some people can have yelling or swearing in their dynamic mutually, or have one person more prone to it, and have things not be super toxic.
The same behavior can be super toxic if directed at someone who feels unsafe, attacked, or violated by the behavior.
I am on your wife’s side of this equation, and am extremely lucky that my partner has zero urges to lash out and yell when things are tense. We get animated if we’re debating, but neither of us yell or curse if our feelings are on the line.
Because of my life history, I won’t tolerate any of it. I have good friends who are occasional yellers and I can care about them and appreciate them but wouldn’t date them.
You need to take your wife seriously and work on this issue if you want to preserve your partnership. If this is a long-term dynamic, she’s probably at the end of a long rope.
It is a reasonable boundary for her to have, and I’m of the mind it’s probably healthier for you to develop the ability to control how you regulate and express your anger even if you prefer to have a good yell every now and then.
Also, it sucks that your resources are so thin and you and your wife feel unsupported. That is genuinely hot, and seeking things like therapy and support groups and community centers probably won’t hurt. Hopefully you can get a handle on multiple of these issues and life gets easier to manage.
I wouldn’t say dating yet. Just seeing/going on dates. I believe our feelings are mutual. She’s made them very clear and same with me but we haven’t discussed exclusivity yet, even though I personally haven’t pursued anyone else since meeting her
Look, even if he is 10000% telling the truth about how he got the STI, that doesn’t matter. You should always respect your partners wishes if they want to use protection, whether you’ve been together a week or decades. You don’t have to give a reason besides it makes you more comfortable.
His response shows that I He does not respect your wishes and is fine with having sex in a way he knows makes you uncomfortable. Is that the kind of partner you want?
I ask because you seem to be struggling with fairly routine social cues and you are attempting to address it in a very methodical manner, which is going to be difficult as it's kind of an intuitive thing.
I may be way off, there is fzr more to a diagnosis that this, it just may be something with considering.
You have made some of the most ridiculous arguments. ‘If she coerced him’ did she a hold a gun to his head?? If the ultimatum is ‘then we break up’ how on EARTH is that coercion. No one could break up with anyone if that’s coercion. That’s called a boundary my friend and it’s alarming you can’t see that.
Well considering her birthday this break will end in May the latest.
Btw what are your prospects of living together indefinietely? Is there even a timeline for this? If not, perhaps it's high time to establish one in May.
would you let a baby suck on an empty bottle? i know there's no trapped air here in the case of your wife, but it still seems unnecessary. can't she also bond with him through bottle feeding?
YOU didn't fuck up, he did by bringing this shit in to your marriage just because he wanted to have sex with his coworker. Now he's feeling jealous and insecure and so is his coworker. You are taking the brunt of their selfish ass bullshit. Taking abuse from her AND your husband? Nah fuck that. They are just getting a little taste of real life. They wanted this now they're dealing with the fallout (their own jealousy). It sounds like you and the other husband had a nice time together and they didn't like that BUT it's their fault. THEY DID THIS, stop taking their bullshit. Tell the wife to get fucked next time she texts. If she's feeling insecure tell her to sort it out between her and her husband. Tell your husband that he bought this situation into your marriage and it's not up to you to salve his ego. Suggest counselling and put the responsibility right where it needs to be. On their shoulders. You sound like a nice woman who was just trying to please her husband and stay married. He changed your marriage, not you.
I wouldn’t go through with it man. While yeah it would some guys dream, but not with your wife and her best friend. It will most likely ruin things and your mind is telling you that its a bad idea but i don’t think you’re listening to it. Tell your wife how you feel about it, because if i were you, i wouldn’t go through with it. You married her because you both want to have a life commitment to each other, well i don’t think your wife suggesting a threesome will do any good for your marriage.
Also, if you enjoy it more than you do with your wife, then that will be a problem. if SHE enjoyed it more than with you, then that will be a problem. Theres a few things that will go wrong in the aftermath of the threesome. So to give my opinion finally, i wouldn’t do it for a split second.
It's the drinking that is going to take your relationship down. That should be the focus of your concern and I would consider leaving based on that alone. Expect something like this to happen again unless changes are made.
Literally none of that matters. It's all about the control.
Seriously, you're buying into all his pseudo psychological manipulative bullshit. He's not worried about you getting drunk, driving drunk or anything you do while drunk. He upset because he was not in control of you. For a brief moment you were calling the shots in your own life and doing your own thing. You having and exercising personal autonomy is always going to be a problem for him. Abusers will go to absurd lengths to control their victims.
Once you let go of this fantasy that his behavior was triggered by you, you'll be able to see that his abusive, controlling behavior is the one and only issue.
Other women who have been caught in the cycle of domestic abuse can tell you that their partners did not start out hitting them. Think about it. If he started out beating the shit out of you or threatening to kill himself if you didn't do what he wanted, would you have stayed with him in the beginning? Of course not. No sane person would sign up for a lifetime of abuse.
In ever abusive relationship there was a time when the abuser just exhibited episodic behavioral dyscontrol, made threats, punched walls, threatened to hurt themselves, threatened to unalive themselves, or threatened to harm or unalive beloved pets.
Cutting you off from families and friends, isolating you from anyone who could help you escape is how abusers trap you. A lot of times they don't even do it intentionally. In their mind they don't want others in their business that might not “understand” what's going on. They phrase it as worrying about, protecting you or make it about you not respecting them.
As the years roll on, the threats and violence escalates. Again, any sane person would walk off. Why would they stay when their partner has weapons, is incensed and running around talking about killing someone (in this case himself)? Victims stay because they chronically underestimate the danger they're in and their abuser keeps love bombing them after ever episode of violence. People might even tell them that they're in great danger but they don't actually believe their partner would really hit them, right up until they do. They don't think their partner will escalate to trying to unalive them, right up until they do.
They keep right on bumping along and eventually makes children with their abuser. Only children are an additional stressor and he escalates yet again. Only by then they're trapped. This is the cycle of domestic violence you're currently trapped in.
One day when he's abusing the hell out of you and you small vulnerable children you're going to look back on this day and wish more than anything in the world that you walked away.
Girl, listen to the people who say run. Get away while you can. Don't fall for anymore of his BS.
dude this isnt even normal latino style overboard(im latino fwiw) this is full blown crazy. i cant blame the guy for running if this was his first time meeting them and they already this far gone
Offer ongoing money. It's all we can really do as young people who physically can not help. Tell your partner to give her what she's comfortable with and you help make up the shortfall somehow. These are hot times, and people need to pull together. Help your fiance help her mum, but don't let her move in.
Your question – do I MAKE him? – is revealing. Why wouldn't you explain the whole business to him, both from your POV and from Mom's, and decide together how best to handle it? Or is marriage entirely the bride's business, and the groom just an accessory?
I think this is the best course of action since I don't want to waste anymore of my time.
Way too much. Ultimate creep territory
Ok that’s the reason, she wants to obtains benefits from you. Don’t be a child.
Just sent them the video
He was close friends with someone he slept with before we met. He wanted us to be friends but was verrry shady towards me, it was clear to me that she still had feelings for her. I voiced that to him, he apologized and cut her off immediately.
Go home Nick Cannon.
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Omg stop you guys are nuts
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She's 20 and has a lot of growing up to do. Sounds like you got caught up in that process. Personally, I'd move on and let her learn from the mistake. You're 22 and sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You'll bounce back from this and be just fine. Specifically, I'd probably say something along these lines.
“i understand that you technically didn't do anything wrong, but your actions show me that emotionally you're not able to handle this relationship. I forgive you, but I won't give you an opportunity to do that to me again.”
Then wish her well and go on your way. Go out on a high note. No insults, no yelling. You do that and the lesson she might take away is “he was an asshole after all!” you want to leave her with “I screwed up.”
Well said
It's only been a few weeks since they started dating and my sister is already trying to force everyone to meet him (dad particularly clearly uncomfortable and resistant).
Not sure this is a bad thing… she's in love, she's inexperienced, hence, everyone meeting him gives you the chance to get to know him, learn about their relationship….and if you see concerning behaviour, you can address it.
Also I change my bra regularly too!
I literally said I would mind if the woman was a lesbian. If they aren't, I wouldn't. I know you try very hot to find homophobia but you're searching in a wrong place.
Yes, times changes, I'm just making a point it doesn't have to be romantic necessarily.
Yes, this is the answer.
Objectively, some people can have yelling or swearing in their dynamic mutually, or have one person more prone to it, and have things not be super toxic.
The same behavior can be super toxic if directed at someone who feels unsafe, attacked, or violated by the behavior.
I am on your wife’s side of this equation, and am extremely lucky that my partner has zero urges to lash out and yell when things are tense. We get animated if we’re debating, but neither of us yell or curse if our feelings are on the line.
Because of my life history, I won’t tolerate any of it. I have good friends who are occasional yellers and I can care about them and appreciate them but wouldn’t date them.
You need to take your wife seriously and work on this issue if you want to preserve your partnership. If this is a long-term dynamic, she’s probably at the end of a long rope.
It is a reasonable boundary for her to have, and I’m of the mind it’s probably healthier for you to develop the ability to control how you regulate and express your anger even if you prefer to have a good yell every now and then.
Also, it sucks that your resources are so thin and you and your wife feel unsupported. That is genuinely hot, and seeking things like therapy and support groups and community centers probably won’t hurt. Hopefully you can get a handle on multiple of these issues and life gets easier to manage.
I wouldn’t say dating yet. Just seeing/going on dates. I believe our feelings are mutual. She’s made them very clear and same with me but we haven’t discussed exclusivity yet, even though I personally haven’t pursued anyone else since meeting her
Updateme
The “norm” isn't real and doesn't matter. If you guys are both happy that's all that matters
If she brings it up, be honest about it. Otherwise, act like it never happened. It shouldn't have happened, but what can you do?
why would anybody celebrate six months of marriage to begin with….
I’m sorry but this guy has got to go.
Look, even if he is 10000% telling the truth about how he got the STI, that doesn’t matter. You should always respect your partners wishes if they want to use protection, whether you’ve been together a week or decades. You don’t have to give a reason besides it makes you more comfortable.
His response shows that I He does not respect your wishes and is fine with having sex in a way he knows makes you uncomfortable. Is that the kind of partner you want?
Autism is one example, yes.
I ask because you seem to be struggling with fairly routine social cues and you are attempting to address it in a very methodical manner, which is going to be difficult as it's kind of an intuitive thing.
I may be way off, there is fzr more to a diagnosis that this, it just may be something with considering.
You have made some of the most ridiculous arguments. ‘If she coerced him’ did she a hold a gun to his head?? If the ultimatum is ‘then we break up’ how on EARTH is that coercion. No one could break up with anyone if that’s coercion. That’s called a boundary my friend and it’s alarming you can’t see that.
Well considering her birthday this break will end in May the latest.
Btw what are your prospects of living together indefinietely? Is there even a timeline for this? If not, perhaps it's high time to establish one in May.
would you let a baby suck on an empty bottle? i know there's no trapped air here in the case of your wife, but it still seems unnecessary. can't she also bond with him through bottle feeding?
That hurts to hear, but I think you’re right. Thank you.
YOU didn't fuck up, he did by bringing this shit in to your marriage just because he wanted to have sex with his coworker. Now he's feeling jealous and insecure and so is his coworker. You are taking the brunt of their selfish ass bullshit. Taking abuse from her AND your husband? Nah fuck that. They are just getting a little taste of real life. They wanted this now they're dealing with the fallout (their own jealousy). It sounds like you and the other husband had a nice time together and they didn't like that BUT it's their fault. THEY DID THIS, stop taking their bullshit. Tell the wife to get fucked next time she texts. If she's feeling insecure tell her to sort it out between her and her husband. Tell your husband that he bought this situation into your marriage and it's not up to you to salve his ego. Suggest counselling and put the responsibility right where it needs to be. On their shoulders. You sound like a nice woman who was just trying to please her husband and stay married. He changed your marriage, not you.
I wouldn’t go through with it man. While yeah it would some guys dream, but not with your wife and her best friend. It will most likely ruin things and your mind is telling you that its a bad idea but i don’t think you’re listening to it. Tell your wife how you feel about it, because if i were you, i wouldn’t go through with it. You married her because you both want to have a life commitment to each other, well i don’t think your wife suggesting a threesome will do any good for your marriage.
Also, if you enjoy it more than you do with your wife, then that will be a problem. if SHE enjoyed it more than with you, then that will be a problem. Theres a few things that will go wrong in the aftermath of the threesome. So to give my opinion finally, i wouldn’t do it for a split second.
It's the drinking that is going to take your relationship down. That should be the focus of your concern and I would consider leaving based on that alone. Expect something like this to happen again unless changes are made.
Literally none of that matters. It's all about the control.
Seriously, you're buying into all his pseudo psychological manipulative bullshit. He's not worried about you getting drunk, driving drunk or anything you do while drunk. He upset because he was not in control of you. For a brief moment you were calling the shots in your own life and doing your own thing. You having and exercising personal autonomy is always going to be a problem for him. Abusers will go to absurd lengths to control their victims.
Once you let go of this fantasy that his behavior was triggered by you, you'll be able to see that his abusive, controlling behavior is the one and only issue.
Other women who have been caught in the cycle of domestic abuse can tell you that their partners did not start out hitting them. Think about it. If he started out beating the shit out of you or threatening to kill himself if you didn't do what he wanted, would you have stayed with him in the beginning? Of course not. No sane person would sign up for a lifetime of abuse.
In ever abusive relationship there was a time when the abuser just exhibited episodic behavioral dyscontrol, made threats, punched walls, threatened to hurt themselves, threatened to unalive themselves, or threatened to harm or unalive beloved pets.
Cutting you off from families and friends, isolating you from anyone who could help you escape is how abusers trap you. A lot of times they don't even do it intentionally. In their mind they don't want others in their business that might not “understand” what's going on. They phrase it as worrying about, protecting you or make it about you not respecting them.
As the years roll on, the threats and violence escalates. Again, any sane person would walk off. Why would they stay when their partner has weapons, is incensed and running around talking about killing someone (in this case himself)? Victims stay because they chronically underestimate the danger they're in and their abuser keeps love bombing them after ever episode of violence. People might even tell them that they're in great danger but they don't actually believe their partner would really hit them, right up until they do. They don't think their partner will escalate to trying to unalive them, right up until they do.
They keep right on bumping along and eventually makes children with their abuser. Only children are an additional stressor and he escalates yet again. Only by then they're trapped. This is the cycle of domestic violence you're currently trapped in.
One day when he's abusing the hell out of you and you small vulnerable children you're going to look back on this day and wish more than anything in the world that you walked away.
Girl, listen to the people who say run. Get away while you can. Don't fall for anymore of his BS.
dude this isnt even normal latino style overboard(im latino fwiw) this is full blown crazy. i cant blame the guy for running if this was his first time meeting them and they already this far gone
Offer ongoing money. It's all we can really do as young people who physically can not help. Tell your partner to give her what she's comfortable with and you help make up the shortfall somehow. These are hot times, and people need to pull together. Help your fiance help her mum, but don't let her move in.
Your question – do I MAKE him? – is revealing. Why wouldn't you explain the whole business to him, both from your POV and from Mom's, and decide together how best to handle it? Or is marriage entirely the bride's business, and the groom just an accessory?