That's weird dude. I mean I'm 100% fine with people who want to split things like that 50/50 but I would think someone who's so anal about getting paid half back for what they buy for their partner to be the one to offer paying that same partner when said partner brings stuff over to cook.
If it were me I would just say “just take it off the tab that you owe me for all the stuff I've bought and cooked for you” next time she gets irked for not getting the $3 for the spy sauce. Question though, did she split the remainder of the soy sauce for you to take home? Because I'm not paying have for a condiment that you're keeping 97% of.
My ex had a roommate that was like that. We ordered a UFC fight at our place once night and my gf and the roommate came over. We ordered wings, pizza, and had a half keg. All anyone had to bring was any nude alcohol they wanted to drink. This girl ate her fill and then left with a pizza box with half a pizza and probably 20 wings without asking and not a single thank you.
She later wanted me to give her $30 and 2 12 packs of soda for eating 1 slice of pizza and 2 Mt dews I consumed at her place a couples weeks later. Some people are just weird about that shit man, you owe them for what they give you but you give them is, I guess, expected.
Just block him you are better with him out of your life. Do some things that make you happy go to the park or do some hobby you enjoy focus on making yourself happy don’t dwell on thoughts of him it will not help. Stay positive and know that you deserve way better then a asshole that cheats. You can do it.
Usually dogs have a particular type of item they'll go for. For example my friends dog will chew up remotes and controllers but not anything else. If the dogs are going around chewing up everything I would think he'd have mentioned that.
You can't blame him for his selection criteria, after all this brought you together, gave you a chance to KNOW each other and DECIDE TO stick together…! A dating app doesn't list your achievements, like “Doctor, MD”, “Nobel prize laureate”, etc, so yes, he was looking for black women to meet and somehow I am convinced that you were NOT the only one there…!
They aren't your friends dude, get some better friends. The fact she hid it says it all when it comes to people actively in your life I think it's normal to let the people you're seeing know.
It's best just to have a clean slate imo, you can find better people to hang out with
The only cure for any addiction is will power. Group therapy will help, but the action is up to him. Alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts restrain from their devastating addictions by will power alone. The support group around them provided by organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous provide assistance, positive feedback, encouragement … but the addict provides the will power. You alone can't be his support group. He needs to be surrounded by recovering addicts. Maybe you could help him find a support group. Just my thoughts offered for your consideration. You and brother be happy.
Always keep a small package of baby wipes in your purse. And if you find those with aloe Vera they take away the smell and you won't feel icky afterwards.
And don't see that guy anymore. What a jerk not allowing you to shower when he came everywhere on you.
What are you making NOW though? That degree value isn't doing you any good, and you're not in a position to use a potential pay increase as a bargaining chip. You're either unmotivated, or afraid that you're not skilled enough to make the good money (lack confidence), but either way, you're not making enough NOW, to demand more of your gf.
You want the traditional roles, and she's doing hers perfectly fine as the housekeeper, but you are NOT playing yours as the breadwinner and provider. You're making $14/hr and you expect her to respect your demand to step up around the house? She may barely respect you in general, based on your behavior and personality. You have a CS degree, but you're coming off dumb and dense AF. My advice to you is to start looking for one of those better paying jobs that's going to pay more money, or start doing more around the house. Also, encourage your gf and let her know that you appreciate her, and her efforts.
If he was actually sorry he would agree to therapy, but no his discomfort is more important to him than yours. Do you want your child to learn that this is how women are treated?
Okay if I may offer you some advice. In my experience people don't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. The same would apply in terms of priority. Stop prioritising him and value yourself over him and his career. Eventually you'll realise just how happy you are without playing second fiddle and nothing else will do.
She’s 100% cheating on you. As others have said old videos don’t pop up in recents, if she wanted it deleted she would’ve done so already, she got angry and said you’re paranoid when evidence is nude against her, she’s asking for open relationship; yeah she’s definitely cheating
She needs to take steps to squash this crush, and you would be a FOOL to dissuade her from doing what she needs to do.
These sorts of things happen, and they CAN be harmless if handled maturely. Maturely does NOT equal proceed as normal with this 3rd party assuming nothing bad will happen. That's exactly how things escalate.
If she feels she needs to cut him out and avoid, then that is what she should do.
Final note, you guys should of discussed propriety before this has happened, it is a much easier conversation to have when everything is hypothetical and there is no defensiveness and emotions involved.
In accepting this house, you have a lot of options to come to a compromise you're both happy with.
If you say no, you have one option. Hope you save enough and earn enough to get a down-payment and a mortgage in an economic climate that's unpredictable at best.
It might be a serious of long conversations, but it'll be worth it for your combined future if you can hit the property ladder without a ton of debt behind you.
Are you that dense that you cannot see the answer so clearly, STOP FREAKING TALKING TO HIM AND BLOCK HIM.
By you responding in any way, shape or form allows him to say to himself, it is only a matter of time before she sends them.
By you blocking him, because you told him no, over and over again, he will finally either stop or harass you in another way and then you need to turn him in to the ethics committee/police.
What's wrong with being alone? I'd rather be alone, doing what I want to do when I want to do it than in a miserable relationship. Being alone is rather wonderful.
You need to contact someone for legal advice. Combining bank accounts was a huge mistake. If the abuse is only verbal I'd get my own account and redirect all funds there. That is a shot over the bow for him.
Can you get him out of your house? Call the police and let them know of his threats. Get this stuff on the record.
His way of loving you is screwing your friend behind your back? Lying to you every single day? You’re hanging on to the illusion of a happy relationship that you had. Reality is that he has no respect for you & will continue to cheat.
You can really only set boundaries for yourself. By that I mean if what someone else does crosses your boundary, you are the one who needs to act, not them. Your boyfriend is allowed to be friends with anyone he wants to. If you aren't ok with that, and he doesn't want to end the friendship, then it's your call and you have two choices – accept the friendship and abandon your boundary, or observe your boundary and end the relationship. Not much in life is a binary choice but seems like this one is.
Talk to your lawyer, start the divorce process, and then block him and inform him that all further communication will go through your lawyer.
You will have a much better life once you got rid of that cheating asshole, and your kids will profit from that not only because they have one happy parents but also because they get the chance to see what a real relationship looks like.
Whatever you do, when you speak to him about him having his break, don’t let him convince you he didn’t mean what he said etc etc because he will go have his fun regardless of what you say. You can’t have your cake and eat is what he needs to be told. Make it easy and cut him off asap, huge red flag x
“Have fun on your dates! Don't worry, you don't need to hide them from me anymore because you're single now. I'll be keeping the kitten, my part of the downpayment, and letting my family and friends know the wedding is off because you're cheating on me. Ta ta!”
thanks for replying. we're both single parents who have our children half of the time, so we don't get that much time together, and I get even less time with my friends. I do things I like with my friends occasionally and she's fine with it, but most of my spare time is with her. It's more just the constant battle you know – she just keeps suggesting thing after thing every day, as soon as I suggest even the smallest thing it's just dismissed and it gets tiring. On the drinking, we have spoken about it a bit but not in too serious terms, last night was by far the worst episode yet and ended with me getting a taxi back to mine rather than stay at hers. She hasn't been in touch since. If there is a conversation to be had that will definitely be raised.
So weird. I really don’t get why you didn’t ask her. I’m sure she’s kind of busy at this time and probably feels some sort of weird about the whole thing. I’d just wait it out.
So in terms of her love language, we’ve discussed that and words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service were on top of her list. For words of affirmation: she works remote & I go to the office on most days, but I try to send her a couple messages early in the morning or leave sticky notes wishing her a good day & calling her beautiful. She has brought it up that I don’t call her beautiful enough, and that got pointed out when she said she feels I don’t find her attractive to which I argued. For gifts/acts of service: I lack in the flowers department, but I do try getting the next best thing, cookies! I try every now and then to get her favourite food, do her small favors around the house & I help decently in the housework as well ( Cooking meals for her & myself, ordering in something nice, getting her blanket once she’s already comfy and slouched up on the couch haha just to name a few) I gift her perfumes or things in the range of $100-$300 every 2-3 months, I’ve just started a new job straight out of University so been adjusting to the pay & saving up for a car, but that’s what I’ve been able to muster. Quality time: we’ve been able to spend the weekends together more than anything, the weekdays do often get packed with work and doggy-dad duties haha, we try to watch something together but not always since we don’t agree consistently on what to watch Definitely somewhere where we could work on & I could more effort tho, cheaper-more thoughtful dates perhaps to make her feel valued.
To your point on house chores; I live with my girlfriend & another roommate and we have a good understanding together for cleaning/cooking since we cook for the 3 of us when we can. My girlfriend and I contribute strongly in the kitchen, not always together because our egos butt heads for whose the chef. But yes, I cook in the house, do the laundry, help with cleaning up the place (sweeping, Lysol wiping and all the good stuff) and take significant effort taking our dog out for longer walks after I come back from work. It does sound like I’m bragging but for the last couple months, I’ve expressed my lack of appreciation from my girlfriend as well for the things I do in the house as well. My girlfriend also does mention she finds herself feeling less wanted because I seem to absolutely love spending every minute with our puppy ( which I do) but that’s because well, I see him as my kid and we did impulsively get him into our home, so the least I can do is try to give him the best life.
In the end, I definitely am not perfect in any regard but I try my best in certain areas, there’s always room for some more improvement though & appreciate your message :’)
Do you agree with what she says? Do you agree that these are problems you need to solve?
My main concern is the demand for affection while she does not appear to be treating you with any. She currently has you living under a year long ultimatum. That does not sound reasonable or affectionate to me.
I definitely take responsibility, I mean it takes two. I’m just saying, I tried not to, for so long. I mean we were doing a dance where I was the one who shut it down multiple times for like a year cause I was scared to cross that line. If we didn’t work together it would be different. But seeing the person you’re so into every day is just too much, I’m just human :/
This is bad news bears. She’s being transparent to avoid feeling guilty
That's weird dude. I mean I'm 100% fine with people who want to split things like that 50/50 but I would think someone who's so anal about getting paid half back for what they buy for their partner to be the one to offer paying that same partner when said partner brings stuff over to cook.
If it were me I would just say “just take it off the tab that you owe me for all the stuff I've bought and cooked for you” next time she gets irked for not getting the $3 for the spy sauce. Question though, did she split the remainder of the soy sauce for you to take home? Because I'm not paying have for a condiment that you're keeping 97% of.
My ex had a roommate that was like that. We ordered a UFC fight at our place once night and my gf and the roommate came over. We ordered wings, pizza, and had a half keg. All anyone had to bring was any nude alcohol they wanted to drink. This girl ate her fill and then left with a pizza box with half a pizza and probably 20 wings without asking and not a single thank you.
She later wanted me to give her $30 and 2 12 packs of soda for eating 1 slice of pizza and 2 Mt dews I consumed at her place a couples weeks later. Some people are just weird about that shit man, you owe them for what they give you but you give them is, I guess, expected.
Agreed
She sounds like a douche.
If they are in the US he’s going to pay child support unless the Daddy steps up and signs legal documents. Been there, done that.
Just block him you are better with him out of your life. Do some things that make you happy go to the park or do some hobby you enjoy focus on making yourself happy don’t dwell on thoughts of him it will not help. Stay positive and know that you deserve way better then a asshole that cheats. You can do it.
Usually dogs have a particular type of item they'll go for. For example my friends dog will chew up remotes and controllers but not anything else. If the dogs are going around chewing up everything I would think he'd have mentioned that.
Gotcha! Just wanted to make sure op doesn't dismiss it but u think your second comment gets the point across
To be fair, your reply is worded in a confusing manner
Huge red flag imo
This is not a desperate measure. This is the bare minimum if you want your husband to find work again.
You can't blame him for his selection criteria, after all this brought you together, gave you a chance to KNOW each other and DECIDE TO stick together…! A dating app doesn't list your achievements, like “Doctor, MD”, “Nobel prize laureate”, etc, so yes, he was looking for black women to meet and somehow I am convinced that you were NOT the only one there…!
They aren't your friends dude, get some better friends. The fact she hid it says it all when it comes to people actively in your life I think it's normal to let the people you're seeing know.
It's best just to have a clean slate imo, you can find better people to hang out with
The only cure for any addiction is will power. Group therapy will help, but the action is up to him. Alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts restrain from their devastating addictions by will power alone. The support group around them provided by organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous provide assistance, positive feedback, encouragement … but the addict provides the will power. You alone can't be his support group. He needs to be surrounded by recovering addicts. Maybe you could help him find a support group. Just my thoughts offered for your consideration. You and brother be happy.
Its not rocket science. She got jealous & possessive.
Always keep a small package of baby wipes in your purse. And if you find those with aloe Vera they take away the smell and you won't feel icky afterwards.
And don't see that guy anymore. What a jerk not allowing you to shower when he came everywhere on you.
What are you making NOW though? That degree value isn't doing you any good, and you're not in a position to use a potential pay increase as a bargaining chip. You're either unmotivated, or afraid that you're not skilled enough to make the good money (lack confidence), but either way, you're not making enough NOW, to demand more of your gf.
You want the traditional roles, and she's doing hers perfectly fine as the housekeeper, but you are NOT playing yours as the breadwinner and provider. You're making $14/hr and you expect her to respect your demand to step up around the house? She may barely respect you in general, based on your behavior and personality. You have a CS degree, but you're coming off dumb and dense AF. My advice to you is to start looking for one of those better paying jobs that's going to pay more money, or start doing more around the house. Also, encourage your gf and let her know that you appreciate her, and her efforts.
If he was actually sorry he would agree to therapy, but no his discomfort is more important to him than yours. Do you want your child to learn that this is how women are treated?
Okay if I may offer you some advice. In my experience people don't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. The same would apply in terms of priority. Stop prioritising him and value yourself over him and his career. Eventually you'll realise just how happy you are without playing second fiddle and nothing else will do.
She’s 100% cheating on you. As others have said old videos don’t pop up in recents, if she wanted it deleted she would’ve done so already, she got angry and said you’re paranoid when evidence is nude against her, she’s asking for open relationship; yeah she’s definitely cheating
Cycle tracking: the pull-out method for women.
Soooo she’s right to be concerned
She needs to take steps to squash this crush, and you would be a FOOL to dissuade her from doing what she needs to do.
These sorts of things happen, and they CAN be harmless if handled maturely. Maturely does NOT equal proceed as normal with this 3rd party assuming nothing bad will happen. That's exactly how things escalate.
If she feels she needs to cut him out and avoid, then that is what she should do.
Final note, you guys should of discussed propriety before this has happened, it is a much easier conversation to have when everything is hypothetical and there is no defensiveness and emotions involved.
In accepting this house, you have a lot of options to come to a compromise you're both happy with.
If you say no, you have one option. Hope you save enough and earn enough to get a down-payment and a mortgage in an economic climate that's unpredictable at best.
It might be a serious of long conversations, but it'll be worth it for your combined future if you can hit the property ladder without a ton of debt behind you.
OP,
Are you that dense that you cannot see the answer so clearly, STOP FREAKING TALKING TO HIM AND BLOCK HIM.
By you responding in any way, shape or form allows him to say to himself, it is only a matter of time before she sends them.
By you blocking him, because you told him no, over and over again, he will finally either stop or harass you in another way and then you need to turn him in to the ethics committee/police.
His obsession is sick. I’m telling you he’s dangerous. My previous replies explain.
What's wrong with being alone? I'd rather be alone, doing what I want to do when I want to do it than in a miserable relationship. Being alone is rather wonderful.
You need to contact someone for legal advice. Combining bank accounts was a huge mistake. If the abuse is only verbal I'd get my own account and redirect all funds there. That is a shot over the bow for him.
Can you get him out of your house? Call the police and let them know of his threats. Get this stuff on the record.
His way of loving you is screwing your friend behind your back? Lying to you every single day? You’re hanging on to the illusion of a happy relationship that you had. Reality is that he has no respect for you & will continue to cheat.
You can really only set boundaries for yourself. By that I mean if what someone else does crosses your boundary, you are the one who needs to act, not them. Your boyfriend is allowed to be friends with anyone he wants to. If you aren't ok with that, and he doesn't want to end the friendship, then it's your call and you have two choices – accept the friendship and abandon your boundary, or observe your boundary and end the relationship. Not much in life is a binary choice but seems like this one is.
Talk to your lawyer, start the divorce process, and then block him and inform him that all further communication will go through your lawyer.
You will have a much better life once you got rid of that cheating asshole, and your kids will profit from that not only because they have one happy parents but also because they get the chance to see what a real relationship looks like.
I really hope this story is fake. Good grief.
Whatever you do, when you speak to him about him having his break, don’t let him convince you he didn’t mean what he said etc etc because he will go have his fun regardless of what you say. You can’t have your cake and eat is what he needs to be told. Make it easy and cut him off asap, huge red flag x
Just postpone the dinner, geezus.
“Have fun on your dates! Don't worry, you don't need to hide them from me anymore because you're single now. I'll be keeping the kitten, my part of the downpayment, and letting my family and friends know the wedding is off because you're cheating on me. Ta ta!”
thanks for replying. we're both single parents who have our children half of the time, so we don't get that much time together, and I get even less time with my friends. I do things I like with my friends occasionally and she's fine with it, but most of my spare time is with her. It's more just the constant battle you know – she just keeps suggesting thing after thing every day, as soon as I suggest even the smallest thing it's just dismissed and it gets tiring. On the drinking, we have spoken about it a bit but not in too serious terms, last night was by far the worst episode yet and ended with me getting a taxi back to mine rather than stay at hers. She hasn't been in touch since. If there is a conversation to be had that will definitely be raised.
So weird. I really don’t get why you didn’t ask her. I’m sure she’s kind of busy at this time and probably feels some sort of weird about the whole thing. I’d just wait it out.
So in terms of her love language, we’ve discussed that and words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service were on top of her list. For words of affirmation: she works remote & I go to the office on most days, but I try to send her a couple messages early in the morning or leave sticky notes wishing her a good day & calling her beautiful. She has brought it up that I don’t call her beautiful enough, and that got pointed out when she said she feels I don’t find her attractive to which I argued. For gifts/acts of service: I lack in the flowers department, but I do try getting the next best thing, cookies! I try every now and then to get her favourite food, do her small favors around the house & I help decently in the housework as well ( Cooking meals for her & myself, ordering in something nice, getting her blanket once she’s already comfy and slouched up on the couch haha just to name a few) I gift her perfumes or things in the range of $100-$300 every 2-3 months, I’ve just started a new job straight out of University so been adjusting to the pay & saving up for a car, but that’s what I’ve been able to muster. Quality time: we’ve been able to spend the weekends together more than anything, the weekdays do often get packed with work and doggy-dad duties haha, we try to watch something together but not always since we don’t agree consistently on what to watch Definitely somewhere where we could work on & I could more effort tho, cheaper-more thoughtful dates perhaps to make her feel valued.
To your point on house chores; I live with my girlfriend & another roommate and we have a good understanding together for cleaning/cooking since we cook for the 3 of us when we can. My girlfriend and I contribute strongly in the kitchen, not always together because our egos butt heads for whose the chef. But yes, I cook in the house, do the laundry, help with cleaning up the place (sweeping, Lysol wiping and all the good stuff) and take significant effort taking our dog out for longer walks after I come back from work. It does sound like I’m bragging but for the last couple months, I’ve expressed my lack of appreciation from my girlfriend as well for the things I do in the house as well. My girlfriend also does mention she finds herself feeling less wanted because I seem to absolutely love spending every minute with our puppy ( which I do) but that’s because well, I see him as my kid and we did impulsively get him into our home, so the least I can do is try to give him the best life.
In the end, I definitely am not perfect in any regard but I try my best in certain areas, there’s always room for some more improvement though & appreciate your message :’)
Do you agree with what she says? Do you agree that these are problems you need to solve?
My main concern is the demand for affection while she does not appear to be treating you with any. She currently has you living under a year long ultimatum. That does not sound reasonable or affectionate to me.
I definitely take responsibility, I mean it takes two. I’m just saying, I tried not to, for so long. I mean we were doing a dance where I was the one who shut it down multiple times for like a year cause I was scared to cross that line. If we didn’t work together it would be different. But seeing the person you’re so into every day is just too much, I’m just human :/
There is nothing mature with how your behaving.