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1. Reaching out to her may only lead to more pain, now if you wanted to tell her that he’s got a wife and kid (if she doesn’t know) that’s a different story. However, given the history it is likely the whole situation will become highschool drama because it appears he and she are both stuck there mentally. If he doesn’t agree to counseling I would say it’s time to move on. Also, you said you handled the miscarriage on your own and pushed him away. Unless you stated you didn’t want his support over it or established Boundaries to be left alone, you did not push him away he did not reach out to help you at all. He left you to deal with that trauma alone, which is inexcusable. It appears he has a history of doing this over and over with the addition of substance issues you’ve already left over. You should focus on you and your baby now. He’s made his bed and if he wants to remake it down the line that’s up for you to decide but for now he’s probably just a better father (if he participates at all with the baby) than parter. Additionally, ask yourself: are you willing to go through this again? With his past actions it seem like you might if you stay. Your language is soft and meant to protect him but what he’s doing is not forgivable to most. You’ve really only know him as a partner for your whole life and I promise there are better people out there who would value you more than this. Also, he’s not the perfect version for her, he is a fake version of himself to her so he can lure her in. The moment he has her, if y’all separate, she will experience the same thing as you. Lastly, reaching out to her may be viable if you absolutely need to but I would proceed that with caution especially if she knows about the marriage because she may just try to hurt you, he also may have filled her head with lies about you that will just wound you deeper since they come from him.

   Sorry for the ramble.

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