Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
There’s a certain point on a post where enough has been said that all the sensible people who come by leave and you are just left with the idiots who think they have something sharp to say. We’re there
Verbal discussion yes, we were exclusive from the first kiss, still are during that “break”.
Concentrating on herself means understanding what are her feelings for me and where does she want to go with me. Like, does she want to build something serious with me.
But more importantly. You shouldn't be with someone you're not attracted to period. That's just a bad idea.
Even if he had a preference he could have had a proper discussion with you about it and seen if you were open to working out or whatever. Which he could have done with you as good partner support.
Some details that I failed to list here; My divorce has not been finalized because my ex-wife has moved to another country and is attempting to delay the proceedings as much as possible, it should have been finalized 15 months ago. I didn't say I think I am going to spend the rest of my life with her, I was indicating I could see that. The statement was more to the effort of “I am getting older, I am not looking to date someone “just to date someone”, someone without a potential future, as you would when you are younger. I questioned whether she was uncomfortable which is why I backed out completely in the middle of October to see what would happen, she is the one who explicitly has reinitiated communication in December – which I lightly grazed over. She has received a new licensure in healthcare in a field that is not covered in our hospital so we are unable to promote her into as the department doesn't exist; for this reason she is moving to another company at the end of the month. Which removes my concerns of multiple other items in your list. I recognized the other employees situation which is why I don't have any communication with her at the workplace at this point. surely I could have included more of these details but the initial posting was already seeming quite lengthy. I do appreciate your feedback.
This is the real advice, OP. You've given us basically nothing here. I'd guess you're really angry at her, and have lost a lot of respect, but you don't even say that directly.
According to marriage researcher John Gottman, the four horsemen of dying relationships are: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Kinda sounds like you're ticking one and four, while she's ticking two and three. (Btw criticism here means taking a problem and turning it into a character flaw in your partner).
I think this is pretty common especially at such a young age. You’re both learning. He’s learning how you respond and you learning how to relax enough to let it happen.
You're old enough to know you didn't want the answer to that question, but you asked him it anyway.
You have no reason to have a grudge/concern or jealousy towards your friend, she's literally had no involvement in this apart from her name being dragged up in your unwanted answer.
If there's someone to be angry at, it's your partner for not knowing how insecure this information would make you and for bringing that stupid question to the table in the first place. But you can only be angry at yourself for asking him the same question and getting the answer you didn't want.
OP do you love your girlfriend? You said you like her more than being alone but that’s not a ringing endorsement of you’re relationship.you never mentioned love.
I get the feeling that you only have her around because it’s better than being lonely, it seems like you don’t care about her feelings at all. If you loved her you’d be trying to work on this and take her seriously. If you don’t lover her you guys need to break up. Being together out of desperation/convince isn’t good for either of you.
Then get the ball rolling on that. Talk to an attorney and set things in motion. There is no saving this. She has made it abundently clear she is not interested in an actual marriage. Its time to start closing this chapter.
And, in your country, talk to the attorney about other ways to disolve the marriage. Annulment or such. There might be loop holes for situations like this.
When you reached your breaking point. That's the point to stand your ground. Have a firm but heartfelt talk with her about it. If that doesn't solve it. Might consider other options such as a break up. A true girlfriend makes you feel like a hero all the time. As the boyfriend makes the girlfriend feel like a queen all the time.
Yes that's justified. What about her taking the time out of the day, dming the dude saying “sorry i cant add back o nsnap because my snap lagging cant log in”.
What makes you call OP volatile? because she stayed the night with her childhood friend and apologised afterwards?
If you've been sleeping with a woman, you shouldn't be surprised when she turns round and says she's pregnant. The ex just said the baby must have been fathered by someone else even though there wasn't anyone else. He didn't ask for proof the baby was his or say that he'd step up if it were his. He assumed she'd have an abortion, he could have helped out with that but didn't.
OP could maybe have tried to have another convo with him, but given that he'd been nasty and controlling, I honestly can't blame her. I only wonder why she kept the kids, but it's not like it's something to blame her for.
So I'm going to come at this from the perspective that I am bipolar and my experiences with how being stabilized on meds changes how we perceive emotions. Well I personally do find personally spending 6 Plus hours with this friend a little concerning, it may be a mutual beneficial conversation that's going on that you don't know about. One of the weird experiences is that you suddenly need other people to gauge your past behaviors and your actions from their views, and you often start with people who are kind of on the outside of your inner circle. If she's currently having some concerns that she has been emotionally or mentally abusive in her behaviors towards you she may be hanging out with the friend who recently got out of a bad relationship to get his honest opinion whether or not she's been being a terrible person to you. Especially if you have early onset like I did, I started showing symptoms at age 8, you are suddenly faced with the fact that the emotions you felt the way you experienced moments are extremely tainted by that chemical dis balance. It's very common to question whether or not you love someone or if you trauma bonded with them and whether or not you haven't decided what you are feeling not what you actually feel, and you kind of question whether or not you unintentionally or Love by me or pressured someone into being with you the way you wanted to because you are so overwhelming especially when you're manic. Sadly enough the only way you're going to get answers is to ask questions. And she might not even have answers because it's complicated and you are basically relearning how to feel and understand emotions that everyone else got there early teens to really figure out and now much older and you're expected to be all in control and suddenly you have to learn what these actually are like not just the elevator that was your life before
Is your partner allowed to voice her opinion on your relationship structure and ask whether you would be open to renegotiate? How is that “against” monogamy?
Noise cancelling headphones, that's what I want to add to the existing advice.
I have sensory issues (autism) and noise canceling headphones are a lifesaver. Even just headphones or earbuds help since there's a little bit of passive noise canceling, but active noise canceling is life changing. At this point you can get active noise canceling headphones or earbuds for under $50 off Amazon or at many stores and it's amazing the quality for the price. I recommend headphones for maximum noise canceling and buds if he wants something more subtle.
There's also earplugs, I know there are some that are supposed to take the edge off things while still letting you hear conversations like Loop but I don't have much personal experience with them.
Before I took that risk again, I would want to see that he can function as an independent adult for quite some time. You want a partner, not a dependent.
Has he been successful living on his own at all? How long has he been living independently and working a decent job for long? Is he keeping his apartment in decent condition?
I suggest you don't settle for a project bf and look for someone who will be a positive influence in your life. He screwed you over once, I wouldn't let him do it again.
This is an emotional affair. The proof is in the fact that he cannot offer any real explanation to either you or his mother and yet he continues. She's almost like an addiction for him rn because of all the ego feed she's giving him. Everyone has a different threshold, but if my FMIL was even calling my partners lack of fidelity out, I'd leave his ass. You've been together 14 years and have children and everything but still no marriage. So he was already dragging his feet too much before this. And now he's leveled up his disrespect and lack of commitment to your family by going back to his high school lover. This man does not possess the emotional integrity that you and your kids deserve. Let the homewrecker have him, because it sounds like he's practically signed up for that at this point.
Why are you guys still dating?
She's using you as a bank.
Welcome to relationships.
A better question would be – what outcome would you like to achieve?
Do you want there to be another date?
Hello /u/NightDragon19,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
There’s a certain point on a post where enough has been said that all the sensible people who come by leave and you are just left with the idiots who think they have something sharp to say. We’re there
Verbal discussion yes, we were exclusive from the first kiss, still are during that “break”.
Concentrating on herself means understanding what are her feelings for me and where does she want to go with me. Like, does she want to build something serious with me.
Waste of time. Sounds like he wants to cheat.
But more importantly. You shouldn't be with someone you're not attracted to period. That's just a bad idea.
Even if he had a preference he could have had a proper discussion with you about it and seen if you were open to working out or whatever. Which he could have done with you as good partner support.
Some details that I failed to list here; My divorce has not been finalized because my ex-wife has moved to another country and is attempting to delay the proceedings as much as possible, it should have been finalized 15 months ago. I didn't say I think I am going to spend the rest of my life with her, I was indicating I could see that. The statement was more to the effort of “I am getting older, I am not looking to date someone “just to date someone”, someone without a potential future, as you would when you are younger. I questioned whether she was uncomfortable which is why I backed out completely in the middle of October to see what would happen, she is the one who explicitly has reinitiated communication in December – which I lightly grazed over. She has received a new licensure in healthcare in a field that is not covered in our hospital so we are unable to promote her into as the department doesn't exist; for this reason she is moving to another company at the end of the month. Which removes my concerns of multiple other items in your list. I recognized the other employees situation which is why I don't have any communication with her at the workplace at this point. surely I could have included more of these details but the initial posting was already seeming quite lengthy. I do appreciate your feedback.
Yeah it seems super manufactured.
This is the real advice, OP. You've given us basically nothing here. I'd guess you're really angry at her, and have lost a lot of respect, but you don't even say that directly.
According to marriage researcher John Gottman, the four horsemen of dying relationships are: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Kinda sounds like you're ticking one and four, while she's ticking two and three. (Btw criticism here means taking a problem and turning it into a character flaw in your partner).
I think this is pretty common especially at such a young age. You’re both learning. He’s learning how you respond and you learning how to relax enough to let it happen.
You're old enough to know you didn't want the answer to that question, but you asked him it anyway.
You have no reason to have a grudge/concern or jealousy towards your friend, she's literally had no involvement in this apart from her name being dragged up in your unwanted answer.
If there's someone to be angry at, it's your partner for not knowing how insecure this information would make you and for bringing that stupid question to the table in the first place. But you can only be angry at yourself for asking him the same question and getting the answer you didn't want.
OP do you love your girlfriend? You said you like her more than being alone but that’s not a ringing endorsement of you’re relationship.you never mentioned love.
I get the feeling that you only have her around because it’s better than being lonely, it seems like you don’t care about her feelings at all. If you loved her you’d be trying to work on this and take her seriously. If you don’t lover her you guys need to break up. Being together out of desperation/convince isn’t good for either of you.
how would i end it if she doesnt answer my texts? shes been leaving me on read but gets mad when i dont text her
maybe ask yourself why he can’t find someone his own age?
Then get the ball rolling on that. Talk to an attorney and set things in motion. There is no saving this. She has made it abundently clear she is not interested in an actual marriage. Its time to start closing this chapter.
And, in your country, talk to the attorney about other ways to disolve the marriage. Annulment or such. There might be loop holes for situations like this.
When you reached your breaking point. That's the point to stand your ground. Have a firm but heartfelt talk with her about it. If that doesn't solve it. Might consider other options such as a break up. A true girlfriend makes you feel like a hero all the time. As the boyfriend makes the girlfriend feel like a queen all the time.
What do you mean?
Yes that's justified. What about her taking the time out of the day, dming the dude saying “sorry i cant add back o nsnap because my snap lagging cant log in”.
What makes you call OP volatile? because she stayed the night with her childhood friend and apologised afterwards?
If you've been sleeping with a woman, you shouldn't be surprised when she turns round and says she's pregnant. The ex just said the baby must have been fathered by someone else even though there wasn't anyone else. He didn't ask for proof the baby was his or say that he'd step up if it were his. He assumed she'd have an abortion, he could have helped out with that but didn't.
OP could maybe have tried to have another convo with him, but given that he'd been nasty and controlling, I honestly can't blame her. I only wonder why she kept the kids, but it's not like it's something to blame her for.
So I'm going to come at this from the perspective that I am bipolar and my experiences with how being stabilized on meds changes how we perceive emotions. Well I personally do find personally spending 6 Plus hours with this friend a little concerning, it may be a mutual beneficial conversation that's going on that you don't know about. One of the weird experiences is that you suddenly need other people to gauge your past behaviors and your actions from their views, and you often start with people who are kind of on the outside of your inner circle. If she's currently having some concerns that she has been emotionally or mentally abusive in her behaviors towards you she may be hanging out with the friend who recently got out of a bad relationship to get his honest opinion whether or not she's been being a terrible person to you. Especially if you have early onset like I did, I started showing symptoms at age 8, you are suddenly faced with the fact that the emotions you felt the way you experienced moments are extremely tainted by that chemical dis balance. It's very common to question whether or not you love someone or if you trauma bonded with them and whether or not you haven't decided what you are feeling not what you actually feel, and you kind of question whether or not you unintentionally or Love by me or pressured someone into being with you the way you wanted to because you are so overwhelming especially when you're manic. Sadly enough the only way you're going to get answers is to ask questions. And she might not even have answers because it's complicated and you are basically relearning how to feel and understand emotions that everyone else got there early teens to really figure out and now much older and you're expected to be all in control and suddenly you have to learn what these actually are like not just the elevator that was your life before
Is your partner allowed to voice her opinion on your relationship structure and ask whether you would be open to renegotiate? How is that “against” monogamy?
Noise cancelling headphones, that's what I want to add to the existing advice.
I have sensory issues (autism) and noise canceling headphones are a lifesaver. Even just headphones or earbuds help since there's a little bit of passive noise canceling, but active noise canceling is life changing. At this point you can get active noise canceling headphones or earbuds for under $50 off Amazon or at many stores and it's amazing the quality for the price. I recommend headphones for maximum noise canceling and buds if he wants something more subtle.
There's also earplugs, I know there are some that are supposed to take the edge off things while still letting you hear conversations like Loop but I don't have much personal experience with them.
Fans or white noise machines are useful at home.
Before I took that risk again, I would want to see that he can function as an independent adult for quite some time. You want a partner, not a dependent.
Has he been successful living on his own at all? How long has he been living independently and working a decent job for long? Is he keeping his apartment in decent condition?
I suggest you don't settle for a project bf and look for someone who will be a positive influence in your life. He screwed you over once, I wouldn't let him do it again.
This is an emotional affair. The proof is in the fact that he cannot offer any real explanation to either you or his mother and yet he continues. She's almost like an addiction for him rn because of all the ego feed she's giving him. Everyone has a different threshold, but if my FMIL was even calling my partners lack of fidelity out, I'd leave his ass. You've been together 14 years and have children and everything but still no marriage. So he was already dragging his feet too much before this. And now he's leveled up his disrespect and lack of commitment to your family by going back to his high school lover. This man does not possess the emotional integrity that you and your kids deserve. Let the homewrecker have him, because it sounds like he's practically signed up for that at this point.