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These scenarios are always very difficult. It’s easy to say that if you had known then what you know now you would have booted her, therefore that should be your preference now. But the intervening 10 years actually count. If you have been happy and fulfilled, and your wife has provided the partnership you’ve always wanted, weigh that present reality against the demons of a past you never actually experienced. The key is not to get hung up on the need to balance the equation: she cheated then, she must go now.
The big if is whether you can get past the betrayal because what you have is worth the pain, or not. While it is accurate to say that she has forced you to on-line a probable lie for ten years, it is an exaggeration to say that she has lied to your face every step of the way. I get the technical nature of her misconduct. But unless the topic comes up repeatedly, she is struggling daily with her guilt more than she is actively lying. A small distinction, to be sure, but it could be telling in the balance.
Whatever you do, as you appear to be doing, look deeply into your heart and project your future with her as you have come to know her against starting all over. If you can’t get past the betrayal, and I confess I would struggle with it, then don’t drag things out any further. End the marriage and move on. But if with the help of counseling you think it might be possible then try that first. Don’t get into the sunk cost fallacy, though. If you know you will never be able to feel the same about her or trust her again, don’t let the time invested this far be the determining factor. Cut your future loses and go.
These scenarios are always very difficult. It’s easy to say that if you had known then what you know now you would have booted her, therefore that should be your preference now. But the intervening 10 years actually count. If you have been happy and fulfilled, and your wife has provided the partnership you’ve always wanted, weigh that present reality against the demons of a past you never actually experienced. The key is not to get hung up on the need to balance the equation: she cheated then, she must go now.
The big if is whether you can get past the betrayal because what you have is worth the pain, or not. While it is accurate to say that she has forced you to on-line a probable lie for ten years, it is an exaggeration to say that she has lied to your face every step of the way. I get the technical nature of her misconduct. But unless the topic comes up repeatedly, she is struggling daily with her guilt more than she is actively lying. A small distinction, to be sure, but it could be telling in the balance.
Whatever you do, as you appear to be doing, look deeply into your heart and project your future with her as you have come to know her against starting all over. If you can’t get past the betrayal, and I confess I would struggle with it, then don’t drag things out any further. End the marriage and move on. But if with the help of counseling you think it might be possible then try that first. Don’t get into the sunk cost fallacy, though. If you know you will never be able to feel the same about her or trust her again, don’t let the time invested this far be the determining factor. Cut your future loses and go.