People are making jokes because this shit is hilariously stupid. As weird as this is going to sound, this type of thing is how abuse tends to start. It doesn't start how you think, it just starts feeling… weird. Its not about problem solving intelligence, its an emotional intelligence issue that causes the problem. This seems to be evidence of an emotional intelligence gap.
Your husband spent, what, I think you said 3 years putting you and your needs first. Three years you focused on yourself and getting better and admittedly didnt help him or contribute to much of anything during that time. When he thought he was finally getting a partner back you didn't have any inclination to put effort into your relationship and show him how much it meant that he gave 199% when you could only give 1%.
Being a caregiver, especially for that long, is so emotionally and mentally draining. It breaks you and eats away and your own health and self worth. But all you can focus on is “I didn't do this one thing and my husband is leaving me because of it.” No. Your husband is leaving you because he is finally allowing himself to value his own time and needs instead of only yours.
I dont think anyone will blame you for needing to recuperate from trauma, that's understandable, but you can't choose to ignore your partner and any of their needs for such a long time and expect them to come out of the other end not expecting at least gratitude and a more divided sharing of effort in the relationship.
You wish he would have given you lines in the sand to not cross. I think he was so burnt out and done with feeling like the only one putting in any effort that he just didn't know what the breaking point would be. You didn't seem to stop and consider how your action, or lack thereof, impacted the person who has given you everything when you needed it. He seems like he genuinely wants you to get to a better place in your life that doesn't involve him having to be the breadwinner and the caretaker for the rest of your lives, not to mention being seen as a crutch. I hope that you can move forward from this and really move past what happened to you and good luck.
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Respectfully, you have left no options on the table. You have said no to divorce, therapy, seeing if your libido can be enhanced, and opening up the relationship. You cannot will him into not desiring sex with another human being.
He is misguided about therapy but saying “no divorce!” when you’ve cut off all other options is a recipe for infidelity. You can absolutely say I don’t want to have sex anymore but telling him he can’t have sex anymore is a different story.
He has different needs than you do. Neither of you are wrong, but you are absolutely incompatible.
I can understand the social anxiety, it can definitely get in the way of things, but her blatantly ignoring your messages after saying she will have a look and reply is way too weird too. Obviously you can't keep chasing her forever and at some point she needs to make at lesome move if she wants to meet with you
Lol yes exactly. I mean, when I first slept with someone my wife was a wreck and I comforted her. So I guess this is my time now is all. Idk how to work through it yet.
I don't understand something. If your wife was a wreck when this open relationship started, why didn't you stop when you saw that she was miserable if she meant the world to you?
In the apps app on iPhone you can hide deleted apps it’s passcode/Face ID protected but if he deleted it and hide it you would see it but you cant delete anything from there if he’s been on any apps that would show it
I’m confused. You say that you “scaled back plans” for your honeymoon after finding out you were expecting…but also say you conceived 6 weeks after your wedding. Was the honeymoon supposed to take place several months after you got married?
Has she tried listening to podcasts or audiobooks instead? I used to commute 3 hours a day and that was the only way I was able to get through the drive.
Did everyone gloss over the fact that he told you to stop talking to his sister? He also lied, I mean if you can't figure out on your own what to get, at least don't lie about where you got the idea. On the other hand, you are kind of a hypocrite if that's how you get your gift ideas too, do you tell people you came up with them yourself? He probably doesn't see the work you put into making sure to cater to other people's taste and just think you just pick whatever the tiktrok tells you to? So that's what he did. Maybe give him a wish list or something for birthday's and such, not everyone's good at gift giving.
Nooo i used to call he that before them due to abusive behavior and it became a habit. I DO call her mom now, just a slip of mind, no meant to be petty!
In case you were interested. I ended up seeing the Boyfriend the other night, he came out to an event he knew I would be at to speak to me. Turns out I was the last to know and knew because she had told him about wanting to break up a couple of weeks before. It was a very enlightening conversation as we tried to get to the bottom of what has been going on. We unravelled a lot of their lies including them sexting for a couple of weeks before (for context, this time frame is before my ex told me (and I quote” my feelings hadn't changed – I wouldn't have agreed or planned [the trip] with you if i had had any questions or doubts”. And they have been fucking this past week (whilst lying about where they are claiming they're with another friend. Oh and he was fucking someone when we started to get more serious that he has never mentioned.
So basically my ex only finally decided to end things when he knew for sure that she was leaving her boyfriend. He still decided to keep fucking me and telling me how much he wants me a couple days before (whilst she and her boyfriend were still trying to work it out).
All this happened a day and a half ago and I am still just shaking from it all.
He has trickle truthed and tried to tell only what paints him in a good light and I am so fuming.
Nope. She is trash and needs to go. She repeatedly cheated on you and told you a year later. She is a liar, cheater and can’t be trusted.
Oh dear you're that person who just doesn't understand ??♂️
People are making jokes because this shit is hilariously stupid. As weird as this is going to sound, this type of thing is how abuse tends to start. It doesn't start how you think, it just starts feeling… weird. Its not about problem solving intelligence, its an emotional intelligence issue that causes the problem. This seems to be evidence of an emotional intelligence gap.
Your husband spent, what, I think you said 3 years putting you and your needs first. Three years you focused on yourself and getting better and admittedly didnt help him or contribute to much of anything during that time. When he thought he was finally getting a partner back you didn't have any inclination to put effort into your relationship and show him how much it meant that he gave 199% when you could only give 1%.
Being a caregiver, especially for that long, is so emotionally and mentally draining. It breaks you and eats away and your own health and self worth. But all you can focus on is “I didn't do this one thing and my husband is leaving me because of it.” No. Your husband is leaving you because he is finally allowing himself to value his own time and needs instead of only yours.
I dont think anyone will blame you for needing to recuperate from trauma, that's understandable, but you can't choose to ignore your partner and any of their needs for such a long time and expect them to come out of the other end not expecting at least gratitude and a more divided sharing of effort in the relationship.
You wish he would have given you lines in the sand to not cross. I think he was so burnt out and done with feeling like the only one putting in any effort that he just didn't know what the breaking point would be. You didn't seem to stop and consider how your action, or lack thereof, impacted the person who has given you everything when you needed it. He seems like he genuinely wants you to get to a better place in your life that doesn't involve him having to be the breadwinner and the caretaker for the rest of your lives, not to mention being seen as a crutch. I hope that you can move forward from this and really move past what happened to you and good luck.
This is were my mind went as well…that's a very odd way to refer to it.
Help. I view cheating is a character flaw in the perpetrator, not something the victim was lacking in the relationship
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Respectfully, you have left no options on the table. You have said no to divorce, therapy, seeing if your libido can be enhanced, and opening up the relationship. You cannot will him into not desiring sex with another human being.
He is misguided about therapy but saying “no divorce!” when you’ve cut off all other options is a recipe for infidelity. You can absolutely say I don’t want to have sex anymore but telling him he can’t have sex anymore is a different story.
He has different needs than you do. Neither of you are wrong, but you are absolutely incompatible.
I'm going to sweden from January to July and he's going to norway from August to December… So it's gonna be super complicated to see eachother… Sadly
You knew what you were doing was wrong and that’s why you seeked approval from friends to keep going and kept it secret from your boyfriend.
I can understand the social anxiety, it can definitely get in the way of things, but her blatantly ignoring your messages after saying she will have a look and reply is way too weird too. Obviously you can't keep chasing her forever and at some point she needs to make at lesome move if she wants to meet with you
Lol yes exactly. I mean, when I first slept with someone my wife was a wreck and I comforted her. So I guess this is my time now is all. Idk how to work through it yet.
I don't understand something. If your wife was a wreck when this open relationship started, why didn't you stop when you saw that she was miserable if she meant the world to you?
Thank you
YTA. Oh wait, wrong sub. /s
I don't see anything wrong. If there is mutual respect and all these green flags then go for it.
All boyfriends should say a ten.
Ha! He’s telling you he’ll cheat on you & when he does, you can’t blame him. After all, he warned you, and he does have a penis.
Just leave him now. Save yourself all the future brain damage.
In the apps app on iPhone you can hide deleted apps it’s passcode/Face ID protected but if he deleted it and hide it you would see it but you cant delete anything from there if he’s been on any apps that would show it
One of these days, he’s going to do exactly what he threatened. Please leave while you still have your life to leave with
I’m confused. You say that you “scaled back plans” for your honeymoon after finding out you were expecting…but also say you conceived 6 weeks after your wedding. Was the honeymoon supposed to take place several months after you got married?
Has she tried listening to podcasts or audiobooks instead? I used to commute 3 hours a day and that was the only way I was able to get through the drive.
literally read this multiple times just to see if i was seeing this right… holy fucking projection.
2 hours away is not far at all wtf?
Did everyone gloss over the fact that he told you to stop talking to his sister? He also lied, I mean if you can't figure out on your own what to get, at least don't lie about where you got the idea. On the other hand, you are kind of a hypocrite if that's how you get your gift ideas too, do you tell people you came up with them yourself? He probably doesn't see the work you put into making sure to cater to other people's taste and just think you just pick whatever the tiktrok tells you to? So that's what he did. Maybe give him a wish list or something for birthday's and such, not everyone's good at gift giving.
Nooo i used to call he that before them due to abusive behavior and it became a habit. I DO call her mom now, just a slip of mind, no meant to be petty!
In case you were interested. I ended up seeing the Boyfriend the other night, he came out to an event he knew I would be at to speak to me. Turns out I was the last to know and knew because she had told him about wanting to break up a couple of weeks before. It was a very enlightening conversation as we tried to get to the bottom of what has been going on. We unravelled a lot of their lies including them sexting for a couple of weeks before (for context, this time frame is before my ex told me (and I quote” my feelings hadn't changed – I wouldn't have agreed or planned [the trip] with you if i had had any questions or doubts”. And they have been fucking this past week (whilst lying about where they are claiming they're with another friend. Oh and he was fucking someone when we started to get more serious that he has never mentioned.
So basically my ex only finally decided to end things when he knew for sure that she was leaving her boyfriend. He still decided to keep fucking me and telling me how much he wants me a couple days before (whilst she and her boyfriend were still trying to work it out).
All this happened a day and a half ago and I am still just shaking from it all.
He has trickle truthed and tried to tell only what paints him in a good light and I am so fuming.