Why the Hell would you marry this man? He's almost ten years your senior and you're treating him like a child. He's taking advantage of you, and he knows it. That's why he's defensive.
I cant remember the scientific terms for what meth does to your brain. But it was something like – the normal “happy chemicals” in the brain are about 200 or something. Cocaine brings those up to about 400, and meth brings them up to 1500. When you start doing meth, you experience feelings that are impossible to feel without drugs. So when you stop doing the drug, your “happy chemicals” fall to an all time low, and you feel indescribably, suicidally depressed. But when you go into rehab and stay off it for a long time, you learn to online a normal life and be happy again, even though you can't have that massive, artificial high anymore.
When you're in a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship, your brain also goes crazy. It's so unstable and there isn't enough time for things to stabilise. So you never really get out of the infatuation phase. Instead you just stay on an emotional roller-coaster. During the good times, you feel infatuated, and your brain becomes filled with all the happy chemicals – dopamine, oxycodone (etc), and those are ADDICTIVE. But then things start to turn south, the happy chemicals drop and are replaced with stress chemicals – adrenaline, cortisol (etc) and you feel incredibly stressed, on-edge, and anxious. When things go bad, the first thing you want is a quick fix, which is to get the dopamine and oxy back (the infatuation – getting your boyfriend back and things being good again). But like a real drug, the good times don't last. It harms your body, damages your health, and makes you feel like absolute crap. Your relieved, then you're elated, then you're scared, then you're confused, then you're angry, then your depressed, then repeat, then repeat, then repeat. It never ends in this type of relationship.
He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to try. He only wants you when he thinks he can't have you – he wants the safety net. But once he has you, he looks elsewhere for the “happy feelings”. This is what serial monogamists do.
In a stable relationship, the infatuation WILL go away. But your love and respect for each other should grow. This is not going to happen with him because he doesn't understand what a proper relationship is, nor does it sound like he's willing to.
The best thing you could possibly do is “rehabilitate” yourself from him. Break up, cut contact permanently, and take that time to focus on yourself and your own healing. Once you move past the initial grieving process, you will reach a better place mentally, and you will realise that he was not doing you any good. This will allow you to be open to a new, healthy relationship with somebody else.
Honestly you'll be fine. Your kids won't be kids forever, I'm not sure how old they are but worst case scenario they'll be grown by the time you hit fifty. Obviously you can also date with kids, you're still quite young, even if you weren't people will generally overlook their partner having priorities above them if they're good enough. It's very hot with children but if a relationship is something that you want then invest in yourself and be grateful that you're getting a second chance to find someone decent, you could have been stuck with this ass for life.
Your priority at this point should be hiring a good lawyer, you're keeping the kids so you should also get the majority of the marital assets to take care of them plus child support. I understand that it's easy to catastrophise in your position but don't let yourself down because you don't have the emotional energy right now, you can sort out the rest later, focus on getting a good deal now.
Why the Hell would you marry this man? He's almost ten years your senior and you're treating him like a child. He's taking advantage of you, and he knows it. That's why he's defensive.
Think of this guy like a drug, for example Meth.
I cant remember the scientific terms for what meth does to your brain. But it was something like – the normal “happy chemicals” in the brain are about 200 or something. Cocaine brings those up to about 400, and meth brings them up to 1500. When you start doing meth, you experience feelings that are impossible to feel without drugs. So when you stop doing the drug, your “happy chemicals” fall to an all time low, and you feel indescribably, suicidally depressed. But when you go into rehab and stay off it for a long time, you learn to online a normal life and be happy again, even though you can't have that massive, artificial high anymore.
When you're in a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship, your brain also goes crazy. It's so unstable and there isn't enough time for things to stabilise. So you never really get out of the infatuation phase. Instead you just stay on an emotional roller-coaster. During the good times, you feel infatuated, and your brain becomes filled with all the happy chemicals – dopamine, oxycodone (etc), and those are ADDICTIVE. But then things start to turn south, the happy chemicals drop and are replaced with stress chemicals – adrenaline, cortisol (etc) and you feel incredibly stressed, on-edge, and anxious. When things go bad, the first thing you want is a quick fix, which is to get the dopamine and oxy back (the infatuation – getting your boyfriend back and things being good again). But like a real drug, the good times don't last. It harms your body, damages your health, and makes you feel like absolute crap. Your relieved, then you're elated, then you're scared, then you're confused, then you're angry, then your depressed, then repeat, then repeat, then repeat. It never ends in this type of relationship.
He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to try. He only wants you when he thinks he can't have you – he wants the safety net. But once he has you, he looks elsewhere for the “happy feelings”. This is what serial monogamists do.
In a stable relationship, the infatuation WILL go away. But your love and respect for each other should grow. This is not going to happen with him because he doesn't understand what a proper relationship is, nor does it sound like he's willing to.
The best thing you could possibly do is “rehabilitate” yourself from him. Break up, cut contact permanently, and take that time to focus on yourself and your own healing. Once you move past the initial grieving process, you will reach a better place mentally, and you will realise that he was not doing you any good. This will allow you to be open to a new, healthy relationship with somebody else.
What you did wrong is that you haven’t retained a divorce lawyer yet.
Honestly you'll be fine. Your kids won't be kids forever, I'm not sure how old they are but worst case scenario they'll be grown by the time you hit fifty. Obviously you can also date with kids, you're still quite young, even if you weren't people will generally overlook their partner having priorities above them if they're good enough. It's very hot with children but if a relationship is something that you want then invest in yourself and be grateful that you're getting a second chance to find someone decent, you could have been stuck with this ass for life.
Your priority at this point should be hiring a good lawyer, you're keeping the kids so you should also get the majority of the marital assets to take care of them plus child support. I understand that it's easy to catastrophise in your position but don't let yourself down because you don't have the emotional energy right now, you can sort out the rest later, focus on getting a good deal now.