I'm in medical school now. I'll be honest with you, the amount of free time you have now is the most that you will have for years if you go to medical school. You may think you're busy now, but multiply that by 5 and that's medical school. Multiply it again by like 20, and that's residency. If your boyfriend can't handle it now, this relationship will not last. It will not get better. It'll only get worse for the next 7 to 10 years.
That being said… To me, it's so worth it. I spend every day working towards the dream I've had since high school. Medicine is a rough and demanding field, but it's so rewarding for those who stick it out.
I wouldn't give these experiences up for the world, and if your dream is at all similar to mine, then I hope you won't either.
I'm in medical school now. I'll be honest with you, the amount of free time you have now is the most that you will have for years if you go to medical school. You may think you're busy now, but multiply that by 5 and that's medical school. Multiply it again by like 20, and that's residency. If your boyfriend can't handle it now, this relationship will not last. It will not get better. It'll only get worse for the next 7 to 10 years.
That being said… To me, it's so worth it. I spend every day working towards the dream I've had since high school. Medicine is a rough and demanding field, but it's so rewarding for those who stick it out.
I wouldn't give these experiences up for the world, and if your dream is at all similar to mine, then I hope you won't either.
You don't always need to end a relationship to become a better person. The best versions of ourselves are often inspired by love. Which is what I think is currently happening. Sorry about the attack comment it's naked to get tone from text sometimes.
THIS is important context. She isnt just asking to crash at your place. Shes on a bender. Sorry but thats a naked no. Youre gonna have to decide who is more important, your sister or your husband, because it sounds like hes gonna make the decision for you (newsflash its your husband who you married and made a commitment too NOT your sister who is not your responsibility.)
If he can't be patient organising a date – how do you think he copes at a real crunch time?
Meeting half-way is reasonable, for expenses and for safety. If he doesn't see that, then you're better off without him. If he can't be patient enough to wait for a weekend he's not on call, then you're better off without him. If he flips out on a simple suggestion, you're better off without him.
Not sure if you are going for some cutesy story here, but you are coming accross as one of the “he is perfect, except that he doesn't listen to my advice and this leads to massive and potentially expensive issue. giggle!”
Whether I would move on and not reconsider everything depends, did he fully fix the issue himself? In whatever way would be appropriate, from organising, budgeting for and taking off time for a plumber and flood remediation service, to grabing some towels and wrench, fixing it himself and then washing the towels? Why would I be inconvienced by something he wilfully ignored my advice on? Because I absolutely do think that a partner that messes up like that and then puts the fixing of the mess up on the other partner should be chucked out. I am perfectly capable of making and then fixing my own disasters, I refuse to online with another adult that puts more responsibility and more work on to me.
And yeah I have been married for a lot longer then 2 years. Communication doesn't go far when the other person can't be bothered to listen, even when it is an outright physical warning to turn a tap off.
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How do you rebuild trust? How do you get past this?
Building trust almost never happens. It needs an incredible amount of naked work, dedication and understanding over a very long time from the cheater. The problem is if the cheater was capable of doing this they never would have cheated in the first place. As for getting past this as long as you are in this relationship you never truly will. Best case scenario you forgive them but you will never forget and the pain will always be there just under the surface ready to come back an hurt you deeply when you least expect it.
The chances of successfully repairing a relationship devastated by cheating are so slim and the amount of effort it takes is so great that it is rarely worth the attempt. This is not a long term relationship with naked to sever ties (children, business, property, large debt ) it is not worth going through the extra pain and suffering. Do yourself a favor and move on as quickly as you can and start your healing process.
I think you know what you need to do. This chick, though unrequited, is in serious lust/ or love with this guy. No matter that he isn't into her the same way, you deserve better. Best of luck!
I think you need to give the guy a break. If this bothers you, you need to take back your permission and make it absolutely clear that this can't happen again. Explain to him and make sure he understands.
Or have a pre-arrangement. Roleplaying can be very entertaining. Tell him that you are going to bed with a wink. This way he knows this time he is allowed. If you don't wink, he needs to leave you alone.
Communication is key
In my house, the rule is you never wake the people you love unless there is a fire 🙂
If you’re gonna make up a fake story, and then engage with people in the comments, you have to at least make your comments look realistic.
I mean, if you were going for the “I’m a spineless piece of shit who has no morals and shouldn’t be able to look himself in the mirror” kinda thing, at least don’t go so over the top with your replies.
You should be ashamed that this is the best troll job you could come up with. Ashamed.
Planned Parenthood would probably be your best bet if you have one nearby. If it's still early enough, you may be able to just take the pill instead of the more invasive variety. If you and/or your boyfriend have money to pay for it that would be best, if you don't then be sure to ask if they can provide you with any resources to help with that.
God what an asshole. Look one could understand if he doesn't want it. But the correct way to handle a situation like this is to talk through it with your partner. Not accuse them of baby trapping you and then storm off.
I'm not sure if you two have actually talked about starting a family or if he wants a family, but it sounds like he's in shock and has just had a really stupid and hateful response to the news. Give it a day to calm down and then give him a call to see if you can sit down like adults and talk about this
I've known people like that; some people are scary good at manipulation and twisting the truth to suit them. I've been gaslit so many times and not realised it until months later.
I don’t know if cheating means he should be able to use my phone when I’m sleeping to send himself a video of me having sexual activities (from before I even met him)….
Imagine a dude repeatedly trying to hug you after you’ve expressed clear verbal non-consent.
You tell him “seriously! Stop! It’s making me uncomfortable!”
He tries to hug you again.
You can feel desperation getting higher as he repeatedly violates your bodily autonomy and treats you like you have no right to refuse him the entire time.
You keep repeatedly asking, begging, demanding that they stop, but he keeps trying to get ahold of you no matter how you dodge or run or ask him to stop
Do you still think it’s “just a hug”? Or are you still having trouble with the concepts of bodily autonomy and consent?
The dude is still full of red flags (mostly for throwing stuff and the gaslighting after) but eventually escalating to physical reactions when your body is violated against your will is entirely reasonable.
You are currently the most helpful contributor for me in this thread. Thanks to all, but there’s something you understand that I don’t and I can tell.
1 – Black and white thinking, yes. Absolutism in “you ALWAYS” or “you NEVER,” yes. My eyes widened when I read that. Flipping between liking people and disliking, it just starts with her not liking every person she meets. Not aggressively, just disapproving. And then after a few more introductions she loves them. She may flip back and forth a few times again with a few of them. Very similar to a shelter pet a family of mine adopted – would hide, yip, and snip. But keep coming to the house, eventually it would love you.
Two areas I’d say are grey in this. Yes, it was common for her to have difficulty in owning her faults. But I wouldn’t say always, about half the time she’d apologize up front right away. The other half, I’d have to apologize first no matter how big or small my contribution. If I did, within a few hours or a few days she would come to the table and apologize for her side. So I’d say 100% of the time she would own and apologize her stuff. It just took a little more effort sometimes. And when she did, it was always authentic. And she always took it upon herself to self improve. Which I loved and respected of her, she has emotional awareness.
2 – yes, this is reasonably accurate. She can’t hide it in front of other people, everyone would know it was very obvious. She would withdraw in parties and be obviously angry without talking to anyone. But the anger wouldn’t come out verbally until everyone had left and we were alone. 3 – I have never in any moment of the relationship doubted how much she loves me. In the beginning of the relationship, during arguments, she would say things that inferred a clear intention of leaving me based on her anger. I pointed this out, and it stopped absolutely.
And I’m point #3 is the kicker. You’re right, she lacked emotional development as a part of her upbringing. But she is very emotionally aware and she is a good person. So as I point things out to her and tell her how they make me feel, she improves. This was true of #3. And it was true if when she hit me… she just had her period, has homophobia, got triggered, and blacked out. The person you see through the assault above IS NOT the person I love and date. I.E., the next day her waking up crying hysterically, going through months of therapy, and improving. She did improve, I’m not delirious. I kept track in a calendar the arguments from the three month period on. And after the first assault, they stopped. I stopped having to count. And there was a full year of a healthy, happy relationship. Until this past Wednesday.
She recognizes her behavior. She seeks help. She improves.
I was just about to ask that. Some people used to suck their thumbs the same way some people took to a pacifier. Don’t make thumb suckers look bad by lumping Bob with us!
Wow leave it to Reddit to make this about red flags on the boyfriend when the actual perp here is the boss. People got canceled for less over the last couple years. However, you’re so shallow-minded that you have to scream “red flag!” At the boyfriend. Shame on you
If you continue to let him do this, he will continue to do it. I’m sorry to say that, but he’s getting away with it is gaslighting pushes you back and confused with you and he continues to do the behavior.
So I would say, perhaps you’re right but perhaps I don’t wanna live! like this, so I think that I’m gonna take a break and go do something else and you go ahead. But don’t do that unless you’re willing to take the rest that could backfire. But if you don’t do some thing, it will continue on.
My boyfriend is allergic to Tide detergent, and I changed mine immediately to Gain. No problems after that.
Your GF is selfish and you should leave her. I could see her being slightly annoyed cause she spent a lot of money on it but after you offered to give her some money for it she should have no problem switching.
I'm sorry OP, I promise there's girls out there that aren't like this.
This man child is trying to force this woman to have an abortion when she wants this baby. This man child doesn't want to marry her. This woman should leave his ass in the dust and have her baby. She's not reliant on him for money and since she's already considering leaving, she probably has a decent support system. She should just leave him, fuck him and fuck his mom, too.
I think of my ex-wife… 20 years later. But she cheated on me and we're both happier apart.
Leave her in the past. Move on. Don't look back. Contact her in 20 years if you still have the urge but not a day before. You'll gain nothing by contacting someone who would do that to you if true… She's already called the police on you.
Unless you want more or worse? Really?
why would you want any contact with her?
Naked pass. Don't open that door and don't give her the chance to successfully fuck you over for the rest of your life and not just get kicked out of a frat.
Press charges and have her removed from the home. Once she is out, then tell her she will not be welcome back until she gets individual therapy and completes an anger management course.
I understand that some people can adhere to rigid boundaries even in something as murky as sexual relations. However, most people can't. We're essentially animals, and the closer e come to our more base, instinctive motivations and endeavors, the less likely e are to be able to adhere to strict rules.
That's why I say we don't have to explore every sexual fantasy, and most of us would be happier if e focused on the more meaningful, more refined aspects of our relationships.
. . .And if we do explore, we have to approach it in a less rigid structure, certainly implementing godliness, but leaning more on understanding, generosity, and forgiveness than on rules.
I think it's crazy to expect a regular third who has sex with you both, has a relationship with each and both of you, and sleeps at your house not to engage either of you one on one. It's near absurd.
…….
That said, you broke a rule. You are contrite, and it sounds like you two communicate. I hope she approaches with forgiveness, and you two outline more realistic boundaries.
Dude, you’re going places, and not to be crude but she’s literally dead-weight.
You want a partner. Someone equally yoked. Maybe not as ambitious as you, but ambitious at all. Maybe not as fit as you, but willing to move at all.
Hurting someone you care about hurts. Its gonna hurt her way more if you move her all the way out to Cali and THEN break up when it becomes even more obvious that shit is never gonna change. Clean break now, move on, never look back.
I'm currently dating a single mom that places her child ahead of me, which I see as a huge green flag. There will be guys that understand the situation and accept it. Just be honest about it and things will work out. Take some time for yourself first before jumping into dating. Best of luck.
I am so glad you are seeing a therapist.
I'm with your psychologist on this one tbh.
I'm in medical school now. I'll be honest with you, the amount of free time you have now is the most that you will have for years if you go to medical school. You may think you're busy now, but multiply that by 5 and that's medical school. Multiply it again by like 20, and that's residency. If your boyfriend can't handle it now, this relationship will not last. It will not get better. It'll only get worse for the next 7 to 10 years.
That being said… To me, it's so worth it. I spend every day working towards the dream I've had since high school. Medicine is a rough and demanding field, but it's so rewarding for those who stick it out.
I wouldn't give these experiences up for the world, and if your dream is at all similar to mine, then I hope you won't either.
I'm in medical school now. I'll be honest with you, the amount of free time you have now is the most that you will have for years if you go to medical school. You may think you're busy now, but multiply that by 5 and that's medical school. Multiply it again by like 20, and that's residency. If your boyfriend can't handle it now, this relationship will not last. It will not get better. It'll only get worse for the next 7 to 10 years.
That being said… To me, it's so worth it. I spend every day working towards the dream I've had since high school. Medicine is a rough and demanding field, but it's so rewarding for those who stick it out.
I wouldn't give these experiences up for the world, and if your dream is at all similar to mine, then I hope you won't either.
You don't always need to end a relationship to become a better person. The best versions of ourselves are often inspired by love. Which is what I think is currently happening. Sorry about the attack comment it's naked to get tone from text sometimes.
THIS is important context. She isnt just asking to crash at your place. Shes on a bender. Sorry but thats a naked no. Youre gonna have to decide who is more important, your sister or your husband, because it sounds like hes gonna make the decision for you (newsflash its your husband who you married and made a commitment too NOT your sister who is not your responsibility.)
Yeah skip him entirely.
If he can't be patient organising a date – how do you think he copes at a real crunch time?
Meeting half-way is reasonable, for expenses and for safety. If he doesn't see that, then you're better off without him. If he can't be patient enough to wait for a weekend he's not on call, then you're better off without him. If he flips out on a simple suggestion, you're better off without him.
Bruhhhh
Not sure if you are going for some cutesy story here, but you are coming accross as one of the “he is perfect, except that he doesn't listen to my advice and this leads to massive and potentially expensive issue. giggle!”
Whether I would move on and not reconsider everything depends, did he fully fix the issue himself? In whatever way would be appropriate, from organising, budgeting for and taking off time for a plumber and flood remediation service, to grabing some towels and wrench, fixing it himself and then washing the towels? Why would I be inconvienced by something he wilfully ignored my advice on? Because I absolutely do think that a partner that messes up like that and then puts the fixing of the mess up on the other partner should be chucked out. I am perfectly capable of making and then fixing my own disasters, I refuse to online with another adult that puts more responsibility and more work on to me.
And yeah I have been married for a lot longer then 2 years. Communication doesn't go far when the other person can't be bothered to listen, even when it is an outright physical warning to turn a tap off.
You’ve already left your marriage. Might as well separate now.
Jeeez, what a terrible response.
A million different possible reasons. Who knows?
Whatever the reason was isn’t relevant, what is relevant is your wife cheated on you with this couple and has continuously lied about everything.
How are you even debating staying with her? Any life would be better than one shared with her.
I breathed quite a bit with the last girl I was dating. Breathing makes me sad now so I decided to stop doing that.
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How do you rebuild trust? How do you get past this?
Building trust almost never happens. It needs an incredible amount of naked work, dedication and understanding over a very long time from the cheater. The problem is if the cheater was capable of doing this they never would have cheated in the first place. As for getting past this as long as you are in this relationship you never truly will. Best case scenario you forgive them but you will never forget and the pain will always be there just under the surface ready to come back an hurt you deeply when you least expect it.
The chances of successfully repairing a relationship devastated by cheating are so slim and the amount of effort it takes is so great that it is rarely worth the attempt. This is not a long term relationship with naked to sever ties (children, business, property, large debt ) it is not worth going through the extra pain and suffering. Do yourself a favor and move on as quickly as you can and start your healing process.
I think you know what you need to do. This chick, though unrequited, is in serious lust/ or love with this guy. No matter that he isn't into her the same way, you deserve better. Best of luck!
I think you need to give the guy a break. If this bothers you, you need to take back your permission and make it absolutely clear that this can't happen again. Explain to him and make sure he understands.
Or have a pre-arrangement. Roleplaying can be very entertaining. Tell him that you are going to bed with a wink. This way he knows this time he is allowed. If you don't wink, he needs to leave you alone.
Communication is key
In my house, the rule is you never wake the people you love unless there is a fire 🙂
Then. Don’t. Look.
Yikes, 0 for 2 so far
This. I think the context around why the money is required to be paid is actually relevant and would shape our responses here.
You should be ashamed.
If you’re gonna make up a fake story, and then engage with people in the comments, you have to at least make your comments look realistic.
I mean, if you were going for the “I’m a spineless piece of shit who has no morals and shouldn’t be able to look himself in the mirror” kinda thing, at least don’t go so over the top with your replies.
You should be ashamed that this is the best troll job you could come up with. Ashamed.
Updateme!
Planned Parenthood would probably be your best bet if you have one nearby. If it's still early enough, you may be able to just take the pill instead of the more invasive variety. If you and/or your boyfriend have money to pay for it that would be best, if you don't then be sure to ask if they can provide you with any resources to help with that.
Please stop using autistic as a slur
You are dating a coomer who surrounds themselves with other degen coomers. Leave, you can do better and you only live! once.
It does, about 15 minutes, and you already spent around 5 reading and replying to me, watch out you might be obsessed with me
God what an asshole. Look one could understand if he doesn't want it. But the correct way to handle a situation like this is to talk through it with your partner. Not accuse them of baby trapping you and then storm off.
I'm not sure if you two have actually talked about starting a family or if he wants a family, but it sounds like he's in shock and has just had a really stupid and hateful response to the news. Give it a day to calm down and then give him a call to see if you can sit down like adults and talk about this
I've known people like that; some people are scary good at manipulation and twisting the truth to suit them. I've been gaslit so many times and not realised it until months later.
Fuck am I glad I'm not this young and annoying now (not you OP).
People do shit like this all the time. It's very fucking annoying. Just know what you want!!!
Anyway, yes carrying on like this IS a horrible idea. You're just going to get hurt. Or she is. Or both.
I don’t know if cheating means he should be able to use my phone when I’m sleeping to send himself a video of me having sexual activities (from before I even met him)….
Imagine a dude repeatedly trying to hug you after you’ve expressed clear verbal non-consent.
You tell him “seriously! Stop! It’s making me uncomfortable!”
He tries to hug you again.
You can feel desperation getting higher as he repeatedly violates your bodily autonomy and treats you like you have no right to refuse him the entire time.
You keep repeatedly asking, begging, demanding that they stop, but he keeps trying to get ahold of you no matter how you dodge or run or ask him to stop
Do you still think it’s “just a hug”? Or are you still having trouble with the concepts of bodily autonomy and consent?
The dude is still full of red flags (mostly for throwing stuff and the gaslighting after) but eventually escalating to physical reactions when your body is violated against your will is entirely reasonable.
Peace of mind, like you said it above. That’s it.
You are currently the most helpful contributor for me in this thread. Thanks to all, but there’s something you understand that I don’t and I can tell.
1 – Black and white thinking, yes. Absolutism in “you ALWAYS” or “you NEVER,” yes. My eyes widened when I read that. Flipping between liking people and disliking, it just starts with her not liking every person she meets. Not aggressively, just disapproving. And then after a few more introductions she loves them. She may flip back and forth a few times again with a few of them. Very similar to a shelter pet a family of mine adopted – would hide, yip, and snip. But keep coming to the house, eventually it would love you.
Two areas I’d say are grey in this. Yes, it was common for her to have difficulty in owning her faults. But I wouldn’t say always, about half the time she’d apologize up front right away. The other half, I’d have to apologize first no matter how big or small my contribution. If I did, within a few hours or a few days she would come to the table and apologize for her side. So I’d say 100% of the time she would own and apologize her stuff. It just took a little more effort sometimes. And when she did, it was always authentic. And she always took it upon herself to self improve. Which I loved and respected of her, she has emotional awareness.
2 – yes, this is reasonably accurate. She can’t hide it in front of other people, everyone would know it was very obvious. She would withdraw in parties and be obviously angry without talking to anyone. But the anger wouldn’t come out verbally until everyone had left and we were alone. 3 – I have never in any moment of the relationship doubted how much she loves me. In the beginning of the relationship, during arguments, she would say things that inferred a clear intention of leaving me based on her anger. I pointed this out, and it stopped absolutely.
And I’m point #3 is the kicker. You’re right, she lacked emotional development as a part of her upbringing. But she is very emotionally aware and she is a good person. So as I point things out to her and tell her how they make me feel, she improves. This was true of #3. And it was true if when she hit me… she just had her period, has homophobia, got triggered, and blacked out. The person you see through the assault above IS NOT the person I love and date. I.E., the next day her waking up crying hysterically, going through months of therapy, and improving. She did improve, I’m not delirious. I kept track in a calendar the arguments from the three month period on. And after the first assault, they stopped. I stopped having to count. And there was a full year of a healthy, happy relationship. Until this past Wednesday.
She recognizes her behavior. She seeks help. She improves.
I was just about to ask that. Some people used to suck their thumbs the same way some people took to a pacifier. Don’t make thumb suckers look bad by lumping Bob with us!
Wow leave it to Reddit to make this about red flags on the boyfriend when the actual perp here is the boss. People got canceled for less over the last couple years. However, you’re so shallow-minded that you have to scream “red flag!” At the boyfriend. Shame on you
go the legal rout . and then be like sure .. doubt he’ll like that
If you continue to let him do this, he will continue to do it. I’m sorry to say that, but he’s getting away with it is gaslighting pushes you back and confused with you and he continues to do the behavior.
So I would say, perhaps you’re right but perhaps I don’t wanna live! like this, so I think that I’m gonna take a break and go do something else and you go ahead. But don’t do that unless you’re willing to take the rest that could backfire. But if you don’t do some thing, it will continue on.
My boyfriend is allergic to Tide detergent, and I changed mine immediately to Gain. No problems after that.
Your GF is selfish and you should leave her. I could see her being slightly annoyed cause she spent a lot of money on it but after you offered to give her some money for it she should have no problem switching.
I'm sorry OP, I promise there's girls out there that aren't like this.
No. My view is:
This man child is trying to force this woman to have an abortion when she wants this baby. This man child doesn't want to marry her. This woman should leave his ass in the dust and have her baby. She's not reliant on him for money and since she's already considering leaving, she probably has a decent support system. She should just leave him, fuck him and fuck his mom, too.
Ask him if he is cheating.
I think of my ex-wife… 20 years later. But she cheated on me and we're both happier apart.
Leave her in the past. Move on. Don't look back. Contact her in 20 years if you still have the urge but not a day before. You'll gain nothing by contacting someone who would do that to you if true… She's already called the police on you.
Unless you want more or worse? Really?
why would you want any contact with her?
Naked pass. Don't open that door and don't give her the chance to successfully fuck you over for the rest of your life and not just get kicked out of a frat.
has the mental strength to live! their own life whilst you flit in and out of it.
OOF. She's a doctor. She isn't flitting. And there are other people who do not care if their partner is a busy professional. So are they.
They tried to under the basis of friends wanting to hang out but they were with another friend too
Press charges and have her removed from the home. Once she is out, then tell her she will not be welcome back until she gets individual therapy and completes an anger management course.
Not marriage counseling. This is on her.
This is emotional abuse.
I understand that some people can adhere to rigid boundaries even in something as murky as sexual relations. However, most people can't. We're essentially animals, and the closer e come to our more base, instinctive motivations and endeavors, the less likely e are to be able to adhere to strict rules.
That's why I say we don't have to explore every sexual fantasy, and most of us would be happier if e focused on the more meaningful, more refined aspects of our relationships.
. . .And if we do explore, we have to approach it in a less rigid structure, certainly implementing godliness, but leaning more on understanding, generosity, and forgiveness than on rules.
I think it's crazy to expect a regular third who has sex with you both, has a relationship with each and both of you, and sleeps at your house not to engage either of you one on one. It's near absurd.
…….
That said, you broke a rule. You are contrite, and it sounds like you two communicate. I hope she approaches with forgiveness, and you two outline more realistic boundaries.
Dude, you’re going places, and not to be crude but she’s literally dead-weight.
You want a partner. Someone equally yoked. Maybe not as ambitious as you, but ambitious at all. Maybe not as fit as you, but willing to move at all.
Hurting someone you care about hurts. Its gonna hurt her way more if you move her all the way out to Cali and THEN break up when it becomes even more obvious that shit is never gonna change. Clean break now, move on, never look back.
Or enjoy being a father
I'm currently dating a single mom that places her child ahead of me, which I see as a huge green flag. There will be guys that understand the situation and accept it. Just be honest about it and things will work out. Take some time for yourself first before jumping into dating. Best of luck.