He owns the house. He can make absolute statements about what happens there. I would t want a wild party in my house either. I feel like you are acting childish about this. Your response could have been “haha yeah I’m not trying to mess our house up with a wild party” .. not a “you can’t tell me what to do!”
Do not marry someone who makes you feel like shit about your appearance and body. Because he has continued to call out ‘flaws’ in his eyes, I think he just doesn’t care that his comments hurt you. He’s choosing to do something he knows makes you feel insecure and question your own self image.
Someone who does this to you is not a good partner and don’t really love you, despite being the things you listed.
Part of the foundation of a healthy relationship is respect. He doesn’t respect you.
I’m curious, how has he supported you during your depression? How does he treat you in general?
I'm engaged after 9,5 years, and have been engaged for almost 4 years now and still haven't decided on a date. The whole fast marrying after 2 years into a relationship is not a thing in the Netherlands.
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
sleep is a human need. be very careful when asserting your needs in the face of something that is basically biological. like, you're gonna shame him for sleeping?
basically it sounds like you're incompatible. you should break up. he can do better.
Your gf is gross to think anything other than taking care of your family is going on, you're being a good brother, if she can't handle that, I'd lose her
Would it be at all possible to really talk. I love you guys. I understand that you don’t agree with some of my choices but do we really need to stop talking about my life. Is there any room for you to be happy that you have raised a good man who has found a good woman that he is happy with? I feel as if I can’t share my life with you and I miss that. I’m really sorry this is happening. My parents have wildly different views than my kids but they have great conversations about politics. I have very different views on religion and they may wish it were different but they are as accepting as I could hope. There must be a middle ground.
Men don't go to the gym to meet girls either. No one goes to the grocery store to find a date. Stop projecting. It's just another place with opportunities but also have to be respectful
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I messed up
Ok I know snooping is bad and I feel guilty for doing this but I need to get this off my chest. My Gf (22) and me (22) have been dating for 3 months now and things have been wonderful, she is literally to greatest woman alive and I love her to death. We met on a dating app and were just friends for 2 months before we became official and started our committed relationship. But the thing is during those 2 months nothing was different. I treated her like my girlfriend and she treated me like her boyfriend. This is where I made a mistake. So recently my girlfriend has just gotten a brand new phone and kept her old phone as a backup. She hadn’t cleared her stuff off of it yet so it still had all her old texts and photos. She was at work and I was at her place cleaning up. I saw her old phone and I don’t know what came over me but I started going through it. This is where I came across a name I remember seeing when we first met. I went through the messages and they were very explicit. I was shocked. I looked at the dates and it was 2 weeks after we had first met. I know this isn’t technically cheating because we were just friends and she was free to see other people but it hurts because back then she told me she wasn’t seeing anybody else. I know I’m in the wrong because I shouldn’t have been snooping and I got what I deserved and I just feel so guilty for knowing something that I wasn’t suppose to know. How do I confess to her that I know she lied?
Edit: based on the messages they did meet at least twice and they did some explicit flirting about they’re time together. Honestly I’m not upset about the whole old fling thing, I’m more upset with myself and how I betrayed her and now have this secret that she deserves to know about but I’m just too scared of the outcome.
You should divorce your cheating wife before you wind up having kids with her or worse, Carls kid. She’s not a good wife. You really fucked up when you’re married her but it’s not too late.
What about the trust your ex put in you with her body, her happiness? You don't get to complain about breaking confidence when youre doing all kinds of treachery on the side. Its the standard you set in this world
Oh you must be very very young or live! under a rock. He's a cop. There's times when the “right thing” gets everyone in a worse position. You're advocating for a situation where both the OP amd wife could be killed.
Yeah I also got this sinister vibe to this story. The coercion, the gaslighting and the random coming back after seperation. I think a sincere partner would have been like “I want us to work but I have to let you know that I'm not planning to get pregnant again so let ud have a chat about thr options”. Instead it feels like “Vasectomy. Get it. Get it NOW! You owe me this much”. It should have been over with the first disagreement if she was serious about this but she is brutally pushing this onto him now. This is the classic “Gotcha, now you are infertile. Have fun finding someone else”.
I wouldn’t read into that too much! I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all. Now, if he baked for her more than he bakes for you, that would be weird. But if she mentioned that she likes banana nut muffins and he was like, “hmm, I haven’t made those in a while. I’d enjoy baking those!” so he baked some banana nut muffins and gave them to her at work, that is not weird. I honestly think that’s really nice of him. He can do nice things for other people as long as he’s not hiding it and it’s platonic. Would you have been upset if she was an unattractive girl, a dude, or a lesbian?
I used to work with all men, strictly platonic friendships. I’d consider myself “conventionally attractive” and can be pretty outgoing. I was really close with my friends at work but I would never try anything romantic with a coworker, and they were respectful of that. From time to time we did nice things for one another?♀️. If I knew someone was having a rough week I would leave a few extra meal preps in the office fridge for them and make sure to include their favorite snacks. When any of them saw that I was swamped all day and didn’t get a chance to eat lunch, someone would show up at my desk with my favorite sandwich order and preferred color of Gatorade. If I was sad about something I would find my favorite candy on my desk.
We all treated each other like that. Like the guys did the same things for me as they did for they other guys. Sometimes they would mention these things in passing to their wives/girlfriends and they would look up my socials and be super pissed. It made things really awkward especially because I was usually excited to meet people’s wives. I worked with all men in a new area and had no female friends my age. The wives were usually not very friendly, and it honestly sucked.
It is unhealthy to not allow our significant others to have genuine friendships with members of the opposite sex.
Is this the first time she’s ever seen or heard of you masturbating? In 5 years of living together? Does she masturbate?
I never understand when people in relationships aren’t “allowed” to masturbate (in normal circumstances, not in the context of unhealthy behaviors).
My partner and I (both 30s) have variable sex drives, they ebb and flow and don’t always match up. When they do, we have sex. When they don’t, we take care of ourselves through masturbation.
I honestly don’t care if he does it while laying right next to me. I don’t care if he watches porn. That being said, if he were neglecting our sex life and obsessing over porn, it would be different. But it sounds like you two have a healthy robust sex life.
I don’t think this means you shouldn’t get married. But I do think you need to hash this out and set your own boundaries. It’s YOUR body. You are allowed to touch yourself and experience pleasure. Ask her if you’re expected to never masturbate, or if she expects to never masturbate.
She doesn’t have to love that you do it, but you should be allowed to go to a private space and use your body however you want without getting the silent treatment for days on end.
You do know it's not black or white. She maybe bi. Again if a relationship is what your looking for it won't work, but a one night it may work
Up to you. Work on the relationship. And strike when the moment is right, but remember it's a double edge sword.
Easiest answer, distance and time
No. Having a career/goals/financial intelligence is what's most important (aside from personality and attraction)
Someone could have a degree, be $50k in student debt, $10k in credit card debt, and bouncing around part-time jobs.
Someone could have no degree and work fulltime making $50k/yr with benefits and no debt
He owns the house. He can make absolute statements about what happens there. I would t want a wild party in my house either. I feel like you are acting childish about this. Your response could have been “haha yeah I’m not trying to mess our house up with a wild party” .. not a “you can’t tell me what to do!”
I have several certificates, diplomas, bachelors and I’m now working towards TWO Masters. I’m dull as dish water an haven’t been laid in YEARS!
So I’d say (by experience) no. I’d swop all that for a real relationship but sadly no one will have me
? Oh well ?
She used you as a hotel… you're too nice.
Do not marry someone who makes you feel like shit about your appearance and body. Because he has continued to call out ‘flaws’ in his eyes, I think he just doesn’t care that his comments hurt you. He’s choosing to do something he knows makes you feel insecure and question your own self image.
Someone who does this to you is not a good partner and don’t really love you, despite being the things you listed.
Part of the foundation of a healthy relationship is respect. He doesn’t respect you.
I’m curious, how has he supported you during your depression? How does he treat you in general?
That is above Reddit’s help and you should consider getting professional help, please.
You literally summed it up, you're being used. What exactly are you waiting for now?
I'm engaged after 9,5 years, and have been engaged for almost 4 years now and still haven't decided on a date. The whole fast marrying after 2 years into a relationship is not a thing in the Netherlands.
she said “no, i’m tired” instead of “no, i’m in a relationship” ???
Hello /u/throwaway354846468,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Oh thats a tough one
sleep is a human need. be very careful when asserting your needs in the face of something that is basically biological. like, you're gonna shame him for sleeping?
basically it sounds like you're incompatible. you should break up. he can do better.
In the case of many versions of radicalism, I'd agree. The difference here is that he hates what she fundamentally is. There's no winning there.
Ugh she did this and y’all have kids. She’s horrible. She’s no friend. I hope you never speak to her again.
Jesus call the police
Dump her
Your gf is gross to think anything other than taking care of your family is going on, you're being a good brother, if she can't handle that, I'd lose her
And had a change of heart the minute she turned 18….
Would it be at all possible to really talk. I love you guys. I understand that you don’t agree with some of my choices but do we really need to stop talking about my life. Is there any room for you to be happy that you have raised a good man who has found a good woman that he is happy with? I feel as if I can’t share my life with you and I miss that. I’m really sorry this is happening. My parents have wildly different views than my kids but they have great conversations about politics. I have very different views on religion and they may wish it were different but they are as accepting as I could hope. There must be a middle ground.
My apologies, I misread. But I still stand by that it would be a bad idea to bring up the past.
Men don't go to the gym to meet girls either. No one goes to the grocery store to find a date. Stop projecting. It's just another place with opportunities but also have to be respectful
also i don’t mind that she took nudes when in her past relationship like i said it was more about the lying
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I messed up
Ok I know snooping is bad and I feel guilty for doing this but I need to get this off my chest. My Gf (22) and me (22) have been dating for 3 months now and things have been wonderful, she is literally to greatest woman alive and I love her to death. We met on a dating app and were just friends for 2 months before we became official and started our committed relationship. But the thing is during those 2 months nothing was different. I treated her like my girlfriend and she treated me like her boyfriend. This is where I made a mistake. So recently my girlfriend has just gotten a brand new phone and kept her old phone as a backup. She hadn’t cleared her stuff off of it yet so it still had all her old texts and photos. She was at work and I was at her place cleaning up. I saw her old phone and I don’t know what came over me but I started going through it. This is where I came across a name I remember seeing when we first met. I went through the messages and they were very explicit. I was shocked. I looked at the dates and it was 2 weeks after we had first met. I know this isn’t technically cheating because we were just friends and she was free to see other people but it hurts because back then she told me she wasn’t seeing anybody else. I know I’m in the wrong because I shouldn’t have been snooping and I got what I deserved and I just feel so guilty for knowing something that I wasn’t suppose to know. How do I confess to her that I know she lied?
Edit: based on the messages they did meet at least twice and they did some explicit flirting about they’re time together. Honestly I’m not upset about the whole old fling thing, I’m more upset with myself and how I betrayed her and now have this secret that she deserves to know about but I’m just too scared of the outcome.
Take this as a lesson not to just “overlook” something as fundamental as believing scientists and doctors over propaganda
Off the top rope!
You should divorce your cheating wife before you wind up having kids with her or worse, Carls kid. She’s not a good wife. You really fucked up when you’re married her but it’s not too late.
What about the trust your ex put in you with her body, her happiness? You don't get to complain about breaking confidence when youre doing all kinds of treachery on the side. Its the standard you set in this world
Long distant relationship so all your problems can be solved with a single button. Food for thought. Bye Felicia!
Oh you must be very very young or live! under a rock. He's a cop. There's times when the “right thing” gets everyone in a worse position. You're advocating for a situation where both the OP amd wife could be killed.
Yeah I also got this sinister vibe to this story. The coercion, the gaslighting and the random coming back after seperation. I think a sincere partner would have been like “I want us to work but I have to let you know that I'm not planning to get pregnant again so let ud have a chat about thr options”. Instead it feels like “Vasectomy. Get it. Get it NOW! You owe me this much”. It should have been over with the first disagreement if she was serious about this but she is brutally pushing this onto him now. This is the classic “Gotcha, now you are infertile. Have fun finding someone else”.
I wouldn’t read into that too much! I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all. Now, if he baked for her more than he bakes for you, that would be weird. But if she mentioned that she likes banana nut muffins and he was like, “hmm, I haven’t made those in a while. I’d enjoy baking those!” so he baked some banana nut muffins and gave them to her at work, that is not weird. I honestly think that’s really nice of him. He can do nice things for other people as long as he’s not hiding it and it’s platonic. Would you have been upset if she was an unattractive girl, a dude, or a lesbian?
I used to work with all men, strictly platonic friendships. I’d consider myself “conventionally attractive” and can be pretty outgoing. I was really close with my friends at work but I would never try anything romantic with a coworker, and they were respectful of that. From time to time we did nice things for one another?♀️. If I knew someone was having a rough week I would leave a few extra meal preps in the office fridge for them and make sure to include their favorite snacks. When any of them saw that I was swamped all day and didn’t get a chance to eat lunch, someone would show up at my desk with my favorite sandwich order and preferred color of Gatorade. If I was sad about something I would find my favorite candy on my desk.
We all treated each other like that. Like the guys did the same things for me as they did for they other guys. Sometimes they would mention these things in passing to their wives/girlfriends and they would look up my socials and be super pissed. It made things really awkward especially because I was usually excited to meet people’s wives. I worked with all men in a new area and had no female friends my age. The wives were usually not very friendly, and it honestly sucked.
It is unhealthy to not allow our significant others to have genuine friendships with members of the opposite sex.
Exactly what I’m thinking. I’ve seen it before.
I didn’t say that. I’m just pointing out Tori is speculating
Is this the first time she’s ever seen or heard of you masturbating? In 5 years of living together? Does she masturbate?
I never understand when people in relationships aren’t “allowed” to masturbate (in normal circumstances, not in the context of unhealthy behaviors).
My partner and I (both 30s) have variable sex drives, they ebb and flow and don’t always match up. When they do, we have sex. When they don’t, we take care of ourselves through masturbation.
I honestly don’t care if he does it while laying right next to me. I don’t care if he watches porn. That being said, if he were neglecting our sex life and obsessing over porn, it would be different. But it sounds like you two have a healthy robust sex life.
I don’t think this means you shouldn’t get married. But I do think you need to hash this out and set your own boundaries. It’s YOUR body. You are allowed to touch yourself and experience pleasure. Ask her if you’re expected to never masturbate, or if she expects to never masturbate.
She doesn’t have to love that you do it, but you should be allowed to go to a private space and use your body however you want without getting the silent treatment for days on end.