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1. My grandmother watched dementia eat away at my grandfather for three years, and, for that entire time, she only got out of the house alone once every other week to get her hair and nails done for a couple hours. Luckily her housekeepers were kind enough to go above and beyond and keep an eye on him while she did this because he was not physically dangerous. They had been together almost fifty years, so she couldn't see anybody else taking care of him (anytime you outsource care of vulnerable people to those who are only doing it for money, there is an extremely high risk of abuse.)

   If your father is physically dangerous, it's going to be hot to maintain hired help/he's even more likely to be abused due to frustrating and angering the paid caretakers. Even with hired help, it would grind away at your mother to do nothing but work and come home to her dependent husband. My boyfriends mother does this, and she cries on her way to work every day even though she loves her son dearly. Without the deep-seated feelings of obligation and love, burnout occurs even quicker.

   Your father is probably better off with his mother and sister, even if they are in a cult. That's two people in the household with an emotional investment in his care who likely have a large circle of friends (those in the church) who will help with his care out of the goodness of their hearts (or to “prove” how pious and good they are.) Hired help there will also be cheaper and more manageable (due to the different employer/employee dynamics in poorer countries. Employees in the US are more likely to have open contempt for their employers.)

   Besides allllll of this, you shouldn't feel guilty about your father's care, nor does it sound like you should be surprised that your mother is willing to abandon him (I totally understand your disappointment in her, but it sounds like she's not an overly nurturing person to begin with, and taking care of a severely disabled spouse can and does regularly break much better people than her.) They had nowhere near enough consideration for you when you were growing up, you don't have any obligation to ensure anymore than the bare minimum of care for your father.

   I hope you can find peace with your father's care just being “good enough.” By all means, ensure he's not being outright abused, but I think this Cuba thing is not necessarily doomed to be terrible for him. I'm sorry your parents continue to negatively affect your life.

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