You have your friends and he has his. It's healthy. It's not like you can't come if you want and he even is fine with going to your friends so long as he wouldn't have to abandon his own. Nothing is wrong here.
thanks for your reply. this is the first relationship i’ve ever been in, so i don’t have a good read for my own feelings when it comes to this. she will be absolutely devastated and i’ll feel awful if this is the case, i don’t know what to think. hoping for the best.
It is absolutely rape. If you didn’t enthusiastically say yes. Then you did not consent. You said no it didn’t matter if you didn’t say again. You said NO.
You’re fine, he was very tired and drunk. He just wanted to sleep. I’m not seeing anything weird. He couldn’t communicate clearly because he was drunk.
Put it down to one of those life lessons.
Firstly your bf can say no to sex, the way you’ve phrased your post is that you think he shouldn’t and something is wrong if he does. Guys aren’t just walking sex addicts who say yes every single time.
Secondly he was very tired and drunk, not a time you’ll be having any sort of meaningful interactions. Next time just sleep and do the sex in the morning.
It’s one thing to say “I’m not comfortable with XYZ”, it’s another to say “XYZ is childish/not important/unrealistic”. The former is simply a difference in preference, the latter is a judgement. I think you feel rejected and judged because, in these instances at least, you ARE being rejected and judged by him. He sees the ways you express and wish to receive love and he thinks poorly of them, and doesn’t trouble to hide that fact.
This is an EXCELLENT point. It's one thing to have differing preferences, it's another to be dismissive or show contempt.
Take it. Hang it on different coloured walls. Click pictures. Then throw it away. Whenever she asks. Show one of the pictures. You have multiple photos now. Keep showing her a new photo every time you inform her that you have moved or something.
Let me be clear, something horrible happened to you, also you made stupid decision after stupid decision and now You try to spin the blame on your bf??? What…. The….. Fuck.
The guy trust You, and your first line of thinking is “he set this up because he knows him” again…. WTF.
If You think your bf would set You up to being R**ED then You should just leave the guy, srsly.
I can get into if you want i just know most people wouldnt want to read something so long.
Before i start i want to say im not justifying what happened im just explaining my thoughts and why i did it at the time. Ive not been able to forgive myself for it.
About 3months after we first started talking, i realised i really liked her. By then we were clearly already a bit more than friends. We have sent explicit messages (no photos), wed talk every day, stay up all night on calls and id be there whenever she needed to talk about something. Weve briefly spoken about a relationship by then but she didnt seem interested.
My friends started telling me that shes probably just stringing me along. Why would she do all of that and not get into a relationship. Its like getting all the good stuff of a relationship without the commitment and stuff. And i guess after hearing it for so long it started to sound true. I believed it. So i decide to message her. Saying i really like her and were clesrly already a bit more than friends. And that its nude for me to continue as friends so i want to either be more than that or stop talking.
She says she doesnt want to be together, i was of course upset but i went through with it at first. But it was nude to go through it. I fell for her fast so i didnt even have it in me to block her. And its not like we ended on bad terms so why should i. But then shed always message me. And call me. I explained to her how its nude for me to just stay friends over and over.
By then i already told everyone ive cut her off, not to hide anything but because i believed it at the time. But then out of nowhere it went from me just replying trying to get her to understand to us talking again. I didnt want to hurt her, and it seemed like she just wanted to talk so wed still call and message. It hurt me to just stay friends and i was ashamed that i couldnt even stop talking to someone who doesnt feel the same way. But it seemed like atleast i was doing good for her.
Now a few months later, before i know it im living a lie. After a few months weve started too meet up and go out. One of these times we went cinema, then after she asked if she could come mine. I didnt really want her to meet my mum as we were just friends. I dont know how to explain my house too well, but weve got a porch where normally i could be there and my mum wouldnt know if im with anyone or not. So i say we can go there after the movie.
But when we get there, my mum was already there. So she saw her. Nothing really happened she just went inside and let us chill there. Now were talking and there was a moment where i guess youd normally go in for a kiss. But well the circumstances werent normal so i didnt go for it and just tried de-escalating it i guess. Later on she tell me shes dissapointed i didnt kiss her. I explain to her how its already hard enough for me to just be friends with a girl i really like so we shouldnt do that.
She comes to the porch a few more times at that point and one time my mum comes out to ask if she wants to come inside. Before i say anything, she says yes. Shes already tried getting me to kiss her a few times but i held firm saying no. Except this time. We were watching something and i couldnt stop myself anymore so i gave in.
And that happened most times she came over after that point. She even ended up spending new years with my family. Now after the first few times i was disappointed with myself for giving in if all she wanted was to be friends then why am i doing all of this. But eventually even that last resistance gave in.
I was confused. I didnt know what to do or how to feel or what was right. Weve spoken about relationships again a few times by that point but she never wanted to get in one. I was disappointed in myself for letting all of it to happen. What was everyone gonna think if they found out. Shes getting everything good out of a relationship, no commitment or anything, none of the bad stuff. So that kept me from telling everyone even more.
I didnt know how bad all of it was on her at the time, and i thought i was doing her good by still talking to her. It was my fault for not being about to stick to cutting her off, or just not cutting her off at all. And after everything i see how i was wrong for it but i never strung her along. I didnt just keep talking to her secretly for myself.
A lie you tell early becomes a ticking bomb most of the time.
You're building a relationship on a false premise: that you share a belief that obviously matters to her.
Explain to her that you are no longer a Christian, but that you understand what these words and ideas mean to her, and that you respect them very much.
Take the fallout. Being in this relationship is not nearly so important as being a truthful person. Otherwise, you're a disgrace to atheism, which, if it isn't truthful, has neither its cake nor its penny.
On the surface, as another comment said, connection trumps type. My “type” is dark hair, dark eyes. I've been married to a ginger for almost 20 years lol. When it comes to celebrity “crushes” it is still always my type I find attractive but I also think my husband is amazing and sexy and have never wished he looked any different. So I don't believe that a type, or not being with your type, necessarily dooms a relationship.
But your further comments about her bringing that up so often is concerning and warrants a deep conversation about her intentions in this relationship. It might be something totally benign, maybe she just finds it interesting to herself that she's so into you in spite of what her traditional type was, or maybe it's something deeper. The fact that it's bothering you and making you doubt your relationship (or yourself) needs to be made clear to her because if she cannot stop saying it when she knows it's hurting you, well, that's another thing entirely.
My mother is sad and calls me pervert but still talks to me a bit. However,she takes my fathers side so also did not want to meet my gf.
I wonder if this is part of the issue. My college boyfriend had…. not great parents. But he still kept them really involved in his life. So I had to make a choice that if I wanted to be with him, I had to also be with them. If he went no contact or even low contact, I likely would have stayed.
The insecure thing is to just keep throwing tantrums. Say your piece CLEARLY, set a boundary, and be secure and confident enough to walk away when it's breached.
You make your own decisions about who you date, you don't make decisions about how your partner behaves. Their behavior tells you about who they are, what they value, and how they behave.
It doesn't sound like your gf is lying to you, she just doesn't agree with this boundary. She's not that unusual, lots of people wouldn't either. You're not that unusual either though, lots of people would agree that this is an important and normal boundary in a relationship. If you feel strongly about it, you should be dating one of them instead.
Make the decision that you get to make, don't spend more time wishing that people will behave the way you want.
1) You take this loudness thing and her not being able to be quieter as an incompatibility thing. You decide that you can’t spend the rest of your life being anxious and annoyed and unable to sleep at night.
Or
2) You decide that the relationship is worth it despite the night challenges. You get your own noise canceling headphones and play white noise a little louder than you might want it. Maybe even taking melatonin or something as well to try to get to sleep easier. You close the door and learn to live! with it.
Neither option is right or wrong. But you have to decide. Time will likely not solve this problem, so you will have to.
I think its appropriate to have a conversation with him. Just make sure you don't act like he is doping anything wrong. HE needs to set a boundary and decode what that boundary is. If you are not happy with it you got to end it.
I am sure he is just as uncomfortable just talk to him about it.
You pay all the rent, you are entitled to have guests over. If she is uncomfortable with it she can leave for several hours. Or she can move out. But I would not let her bully or manipulate you otherwise. Be firm and let her know he will before, there is no further discussion about it. Why would you even entertain having her move into your parents in law unit?? IMO not only is it not healthy to keep an ex hanging around in your life like this, but this could go bad in so many ways. She could be vindictive and fuck shit up, not pay rent, etc. Rethink this (not so bright) idea. Talk to your parents if you have to.
It isn't her problem at this moment but when things go south (and sooner or later it will) it will affect her somehow.
‘If I make everything my responsibility I can’t be let down’.
Really…sit with that and think about if that’s how you want the rest of your life to be.
You have your friends and he has his. It's healthy. It's not like you can't come if you want and he even is fine with going to your friends so long as he wouldn't have to abandon his own. Nothing is wrong here.
Aprecciate the Eminem reference.
Take my upvote
r/funnyupvote
Sounds like you’re bad at sex. “Doesn’t like sex that much in general” = you don’t get me off
thanks for your reply. this is the first relationship i’ve ever been in, so i don’t have a good read for my own feelings when it comes to this. she will be absolutely devastated and i’ll feel awful if this is the case, i don’t know what to think. hoping for the best.
Girl run.
Send Mark all the proof he needs that you are biologically his child. After you do that, then reach out to your adult half siblings.
It is absolutely rape. If you didn’t enthusiastically say yes. Then you did not consent. You said no it didn’t matter if you didn’t say again. You said NO.
You’re fine, he was very tired and drunk. He just wanted to sleep. I’m not seeing anything weird. He couldn’t communicate clearly because he was drunk.
Put it down to one of those life lessons.
Firstly your bf can say no to sex, the way you’ve phrased your post is that you think he shouldn’t and something is wrong if he does. Guys aren’t just walking sex addicts who say yes every single time.
Secondly he was very tired and drunk, not a time you’ll be having any sort of meaningful interactions. Next time just sleep and do the sex in the morning.
It’s one thing to say “I’m not comfortable with XYZ”, it’s another to say “XYZ is childish/not important/unrealistic”. The former is simply a difference in preference, the latter is a judgement. I think you feel rejected and judged because, in these instances at least, you ARE being rejected and judged by him. He sees the ways you express and wish to receive love and he thinks poorly of them, and doesn’t trouble to hide that fact.
This is an EXCELLENT point. It's one thing to have differing preferences, it's another to be dismissive or show contempt.
Take it. Hang it on different coloured walls. Click pictures. Then throw it away. Whenever she asks. Show one of the pictures. You have multiple photos now. Keep showing her a new photo every time you inform her that you have moved or something.
I don’t know if he set me up cause he knows him.
Let me be clear, something horrible happened to you, also you made stupid decision after stupid decision and now You try to spin the blame on your bf??? What…. The….. Fuck.
The guy trust You, and your first line of thinking is “he set this up because he knows him” again…. WTF.
If You think your bf would set You up to being R**ED then You should just leave the guy, srsly.
Also in a certain major religion, the principal’s favourite wife was nine after being betrothed at six
But it wasn't tentative plans. You guys made plans and he failed to show up.
He couldnt even send a message that takes 20seconds to type about how he might not make it and is literally passing out.
You are not in the wrong. Better that hes gone
I can get into if you want i just know most people wouldnt want to read something so long.
Before i start i want to say im not justifying what happened im just explaining my thoughts and why i did it at the time. Ive not been able to forgive myself for it.
About 3months after we first started talking, i realised i really liked her. By then we were clearly already a bit more than friends. We have sent explicit messages (no photos), wed talk every day, stay up all night on calls and id be there whenever she needed to talk about something. Weve briefly spoken about a relationship by then but she didnt seem interested.
My friends started telling me that shes probably just stringing me along. Why would she do all of that and not get into a relationship. Its like getting all the good stuff of a relationship without the commitment and stuff. And i guess after hearing it for so long it started to sound true. I believed it. So i decide to message her. Saying i really like her and were clesrly already a bit more than friends. And that its nude for me to continue as friends so i want to either be more than that or stop talking.
She says she doesnt want to be together, i was of course upset but i went through with it at first. But it was nude to go through it. I fell for her fast so i didnt even have it in me to block her. And its not like we ended on bad terms so why should i. But then shed always message me. And call me. I explained to her how its nude for me to just stay friends over and over.
By then i already told everyone ive cut her off, not to hide anything but because i believed it at the time. But then out of nowhere it went from me just replying trying to get her to understand to us talking again. I didnt want to hurt her, and it seemed like she just wanted to talk so wed still call and message. It hurt me to just stay friends and i was ashamed that i couldnt even stop talking to someone who doesnt feel the same way. But it seemed like atleast i was doing good for her.
Now a few months later, before i know it im living a lie. After a few months weve started too meet up and go out. One of these times we went cinema, then after she asked if she could come mine. I didnt really want her to meet my mum as we were just friends. I dont know how to explain my house too well, but weve got a porch where normally i could be there and my mum wouldnt know if im with anyone or not. So i say we can go there after the movie.
But when we get there, my mum was already there. So she saw her. Nothing really happened she just went inside and let us chill there. Now were talking and there was a moment where i guess youd normally go in for a kiss. But well the circumstances werent normal so i didnt go for it and just tried de-escalating it i guess. Later on she tell me shes dissapointed i didnt kiss her. I explain to her how its already hard enough for me to just be friends with a girl i really like so we shouldnt do that.
She comes to the porch a few more times at that point and one time my mum comes out to ask if she wants to come inside. Before i say anything, she says yes. Shes already tried getting me to kiss her a few times but i held firm saying no. Except this time. We were watching something and i couldnt stop myself anymore so i gave in.
And that happened most times she came over after that point. She even ended up spending new years with my family. Now after the first few times i was disappointed with myself for giving in if all she wanted was to be friends then why am i doing all of this. But eventually even that last resistance gave in.
I was confused. I didnt know what to do or how to feel or what was right. Weve spoken about relationships again a few times by that point but she never wanted to get in one. I was disappointed in myself for letting all of it to happen. What was everyone gonna think if they found out. Shes getting everything good out of a relationship, no commitment or anything, none of the bad stuff. So that kept me from telling everyone even more.
I didnt know how bad all of it was on her at the time, and i thought i was doing her good by still talking to her. It was my fault for not being about to stick to cutting her off, or just not cutting her off at all. And after everything i see how i was wrong for it but i never strung her along. I didnt just keep talking to her secretly for myself.
A lie you tell early becomes a ticking bomb most of the time.
You're building a relationship on a false premise: that you share a belief that obviously matters to her.
Explain to her that you are no longer a Christian, but that you understand what these words and ideas mean to her, and that you respect them very much.
Take the fallout. Being in this relationship is not nearly so important as being a truthful person. Otherwise, you're a disgrace to atheism, which, if it isn't truthful, has neither its cake nor its penny.
Hear me out, one of the reasons he likes to date someone 10 years younger is because you mistake his greater life experience for intelligence.
When you get to age 35 you are going to look back on him and cringe harder than you do watching Ricky Gervais in The Office.
On the surface, as another comment said, connection trumps type. My “type” is dark hair, dark eyes. I've been married to a ginger for almost 20 years lol. When it comes to celebrity “crushes” it is still always my type I find attractive but I also think my husband is amazing and sexy and have never wished he looked any different. So I don't believe that a type, or not being with your type, necessarily dooms a relationship.
But your further comments about her bringing that up so often is concerning and warrants a deep conversation about her intentions in this relationship. It might be something totally benign, maybe she just finds it interesting to herself that she's so into you in spite of what her traditional type was, or maybe it's something deeper. The fact that it's bothering you and making you doubt your relationship (or yourself) needs to be made clear to her because if she cannot stop saying it when she knows it's hurting you, well, that's another thing entirely.
My mother is sad and calls me pervert but still talks to me a bit. However,she takes my fathers side so also did not want to meet my gf.
I wonder if this is part of the issue. My college boyfriend had…. not great parents. But he still kept them really involved in his life. So I had to make a choice that if I wanted to be with him, I had to also be with them. If he went no contact or even low contact, I likely would have stayed.
The insecure thing is to just keep throwing tantrums. Say your piece CLEARLY, set a boundary, and be secure and confident enough to walk away when it's breached.
You make your own decisions about who you date, you don't make decisions about how your partner behaves. Their behavior tells you about who they are, what they value, and how they behave.
It doesn't sound like your gf is lying to you, she just doesn't agree with this boundary. She's not that unusual, lots of people wouldn't either. You're not that unusual either though, lots of people would agree that this is an important and normal boundary in a relationship. If you feel strongly about it, you should be dating one of them instead.
Make the decision that you get to make, don't spend more time wishing that people will behave the way you want.
Ah ok. I see it going one of two ways
1) You take this loudness thing and her not being able to be quieter as an incompatibility thing. You decide that you can’t spend the rest of your life being anxious and annoyed and unable to sleep at night.
Or
2) You decide that the relationship is worth it despite the night challenges. You get your own noise canceling headphones and play white noise a little louder than you might want it. Maybe even taking melatonin or something as well to try to get to sleep easier. You close the door and learn to live! with it.
Neither option is right or wrong. But you have to decide. Time will likely not solve this problem, so you will have to.
You can love someone but also recognize that you aren't good partners for each other. So the implication of that is, love is not always sufficient.
I think its appropriate to have a conversation with him. Just make sure you don't act like he is doping anything wrong. HE needs to set a boundary and decode what that boundary is. If you are not happy with it you got to end it.
I am sure he is just as uncomfortable just talk to him about it.
Then he says “I don’t remember “ bam both their stories line up and op seems crazy
Facts.
Also tell him to lay off the porn and watch his ED go away.
IMO as soon as he started trying to get you to look more like her he crossed a line.
You pay all the rent, you are entitled to have guests over. If she is uncomfortable with it she can leave for several hours. Or she can move out. But I would not let her bully or manipulate you otherwise. Be firm and let her know he will before, there is no further discussion about it. Why would you even entertain having her move into your parents in law unit?? IMO not only is it not healthy to keep an ex hanging around in your life like this, but this could go bad in so many ways. She could be vindictive and fuck shit up, not pay rent, etc. Rethink this (not so bright) idea. Talk to your parents if you have to.