If you get serious with him she will likely end up feeling like she is your kid, especially at 4 with a mostly absent mother. If you are okay with that then I say see how things go, just be sure if things keep going you are sure about how you feel before you start being around her and she has time to get attached.
there is a lot missing from the story. if your sister is legitimately suicidal she needs inpatient help. not a sleep over. your husbands reaction indicated that this has happened somewhat often in the past, or he has trauma from either her or someone else in this situation. there isn’t a clear offended party here and it seems like a complex issue that needs a higher level of care than reddit users with cherry-picked information.
You are right. She probably just doesn't want any drama but unfortunately sometimes you gotta face the music. Talk to supervisor and relay the facts, keep your emotions in check.
If you are being together with someone on the premise that they need to change most things about themselves for you to be happy…break up. Honestly. He appears to be happy with his life and even if he wasn’t – again being together with someone to ‘fix’ them, is also bad. Just leave? He sounds very sweet, but just not for you.
I won't defend the things people are saying because it's true in a lot of cases. But please consider the following:
Some guys will do an arranged marriage, no matter what. Please be careful of men who want to date and sleep around with women they consider “girlfriend material”, and then get married to someone they consider “wife material”. Not saying everyone in this category is like this, but this is prevalent, and why a lot of women on this sub have a bitter taste regarding this topic, and rightfully so. Some guys will be iffy on the topic, and it all comes down to how much they are willing to listen to themselves, vs “society and all that drama”, and what their own priorities are. The issue I mentioned above can creep in here too. Some guys will be steadfast and refuse to budge, and will disown their parents if they have to (usually never that bad, but in some rare cases yes) Some guys will be steadfast, and find a way to make it work and create a balance, and not crack under the pressure of age or what people say. And in a lot of such cases, indian parents welcome non-indian SILs DILs with open arms.
A lot depends on how traditional they are and how much of a hold they have on him. Please be careful about his intentions even if you do have a frank conversation about this. If you are still not convinced, I think the top comment was the best. “You should walk away”
some people understand how this feels and some don’t, but being an emotional person makes you feel things a lot harder and deeper. it’s how the body just reacts, so yea you shouldn’t have said that. I’m just like her and it’s never manipulation. in fact, I’m embarrassed of doing it but can’t help it.
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Right, I agree that would be the most rational way to approach the situation. However, I’m not sure how do I process my emotions so that I can be rational – I just feel ugly and heartbroken rn.
And yes, we had (have?) a great friendship but now, esp. after what she said, I’m not sure if I should, and can, continue it since I’ll always be reminded of this time
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Yeah it’s definitely tough. I don’t want to never talk but I know it will be naked at times. I feel like some time in NC can help at first and then slowly checking in to test the waters/ see where she is might be ok.
So you dated for two months, it’s been 10 years, and you want to meet up and chat about things? Why? When the relationship was so minuscule. There is nothing to resolve.
You don’t need to meet up with this woman.
If you do, tell your wife. If it’s/she’s so insignificant to you, tell your wife. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know about this particular ex. You know it’s wrong (as this post shows), so, talk to your wife.
Sometimes this kind of behavior can signal beginnings of brain changes in people as they age. Only you know if this is how she has always been or it is a recent change, or if her behavior is escalating. It may be nothing and she's just lonely but keep in mind it could be other things.
There’s ways to be protective without being aggressive? How are you an adult with this mentality?
He could’ve sternly asked the guy to back off or be more considerate without threatening to throw him down the stairs. Especially because that man wasn’t even bothering you. It sounds like he lacks special awareness, not that he was actually trying to intimidate you.
Men who act like this only get worse over time. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns his aggression towards you in the future.
There’s ways to be protective without being aggressive? How are you an adult with this mentality?
He could’ve sternly asked the guy to back off or be more considerate without threatening to throw him down the stairs. Especially because that man wasn’t even bothering you. It sounds like he lacks special awareness, not that he was actually trying to intimidate you.
Men who act like this only get worse over time. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns his aggression towards you in the future.
So she wanted you to keep the kittens as puppy chow? She sounds ridiculous. The cats aren’t safe in your home as her dogs killed one. Your girlfriend is a very uncaring egotistical person.
Be willing to listen, ask questions sensitively and without pressure, ask if there's anything he needs or you can do to help, and if things are bothering you, either postpone or talk calmly, this is not a time for theatrics. Maybe pick up more than your share of chores for the time being, this won't last forever.
this is what happens when you are 24 and have been dating the same person for 6 years. Wanting to experience new things and people is totally normal for young people.
I think the ultimatum is actually too long. If it has been years and he isn't doing anything even when you kindly offered to help pay… what more should he need? Also, your health is important too. If you kiss, any periodontal disease he may have can be contagious and affect you..
Consider your relationship over or at best your husband won't trust you if he finds out about it. That's how serious this is… you now know what kind of person your BIL is… your husband deserves to know.
You are not in the wrong, but maybe there is a compromise that works better for you two? Spanking as opposed to face slapping? Way less risky and less likely to result in injury. However, only if YOU feel comfortable. BDSM should be consensual and enjoyed by BOTH parties, if you are uncomfortable, tell her that.
I don’t mean any offense by this at all, but how are you going to afford medical school and housing? With that much credit card debt it will be very naked to get any loans.
To add to this, I think it helps people get grounded in the reality of the divorce. Like going through the motions can make it feel real and start processing it.
Not like I used to but I'm active enough. Exercise bike a few times a week. Walks with the dog. My job is pretty active which is why I'm so tired all the time.
You don’t explain it. You say “I am breaking up” and leave it at that.
It doesn’t really matter the reason because nothing you say makes it easier. It’s just gonna hurt for the other person. That’s how it goes.
The most mature thing you can do is take ownership of the hurt, don’t make excuses, and let your partner say whatever they gotta say to feel better. Then move on and do your thing.
We’ve been so happy. Some of my happiest times have been with this man. He’s being healing and supportive. So I know he’s capable of being such. I’m at the point where I’ve run out of ways to blame myself just to try and make it make sense. It’s like two different people. I miss that other person.
He would never hurt our children. He’s so gentle and loving with them.
cleans, as any adult should (does not actually clean) doesn't care about small harmless quirks doesn't care that you…. plan your life? supports your education and spirituality (or is this another “doesn't care”? does he actively do anything to support these?) gets mad at you regularly is okay with you buying books
Congrats that you're not married to an abusive monster, but I can't help but feel your bar is still extremely low.
You are absolutely not a bad person for wanting to be married to someone you like on more than a superficial level. This does not make you shallow. It's literally the opposite of shallow.
I think you need more independence and more confidence in your relationship.
I also think you need to consider if this relationship is appropriate for you give the long distance, you do not sound cut out for ldr's.
Also, if y'all have been together for a year and a half does that mean he started talking to you at 19? I don't understand why a 25 year old would date a 19 year old.
Yeah I am but fs it dose but I have really bad anxiety and depression and adhd plus bpd i let my brain take control to much and it puts me in a dark place i feel so useless to him like I’m pathetic compared to him I can’t drive and we live with my parents I just feel so trapped sometimes I wanna do better and support him and our daughter but i sometimes I need support back and I know he works extremely hot for me I do the best I can to support to him but I can only put on a brave face for so long
I’m a step mom and a mod a childfree step mom group.
This is common in the beginning. And it’s usually one part of a total package of poor boundaries, enmeshment, and permissive parenting. I’d strongly recommend that you two see a couples counselor who specializes in blended families. Not only will it help you choose the role you want and set boundaries, it will help him navigate being dad, coparent, and partner—because that’s not easy to balance either. And it will help you both make good choices for the kids for a nice smooth transition.
It was like this in the beginning for me too. But with some good communication, we made some changes. The kids didn’t get shorted but we started making some of our own traditions. It’s a little early yet in your situation though to be making big adjustments.
I’ve always been the girl guys want to sleep with but not date. Please don’t be a moron and a doormat like I was. Don’t let her use you. You are worth more than a human sex toy.
Idc if I get downvoted for this- mind your business & don’t come to reddit for relationship advice. They’re all bitterly festering people that instantly tell anyone in any bad situation to break up, or that they’re a shitty person.
The matter of the truth is that every situation is different & every one here only knows half of a story. Use your better judgement.
I was able to afford this last year with no issues; but then I unexpectedly lost my job in January and this escalated very quickly! Unemployment completely fell through and I had to take multiple minimum wage jobs just to get to $3000.
It was my first year at that income level, so I hadn't been fully established, and couldnt save too much because i had other large expenses in the year that came with the move.
So the sudden loss of income really was a mess.
I finally secured a new full time job now (which is still lower paying) but this will atleast help me get back on my feet and rebuild to back to where I was.
This was an unexpected event that escalated quickly and I've learned my lessons and going to do what I have to do to keep what I have!
If you get serious with him she will likely end up feeling like she is your kid, especially at 4 with a mostly absent mother. If you are okay with that then I say see how things go, just be sure if things keep going you are sure about how you feel before you start being around her and she has time to get attached.
So you’d be ok with your husband or know your wife would be ok with having a lap dance with a lesbian woman?
there is a lot missing from the story. if your sister is legitimately suicidal she needs inpatient help. not a sleep over. your husbands reaction indicated that this has happened somewhat often in the past, or he has trauma from either her or someone else in this situation. there isn’t a clear offended party here and it seems like a complex issue that needs a higher level of care than reddit users with cherry-picked information.
Thats so cute Merry Christmas to you too OP
You are right. She probably just doesn't want any drama but unfortunately sometimes you gotta face the music. Talk to supervisor and relay the facts, keep your emotions in check.
If you are being together with someone on the premise that they need to change most things about themselves for you to be happy…break up. Honestly. He appears to be happy with his life and even if he wasn’t – again being together with someone to ‘fix’ them, is also bad. Just leave? He sounds very sweet, but just not for you.
Hi, Indian guy here.
I won't defend the things people are saying because it's true in a lot of cases. But please consider the following:
Some guys will do an arranged marriage, no matter what. Please be careful of men who want to date and sleep around with women they consider “girlfriend material”, and then get married to someone they consider “wife material”. Not saying everyone in this category is like this, but this is prevalent, and why a lot of women on this sub have a bitter taste regarding this topic, and rightfully so. Some guys will be iffy on the topic, and it all comes down to how much they are willing to listen to themselves, vs “society and all that drama”, and what their own priorities are. The issue I mentioned above can creep in here too. Some guys will be steadfast and refuse to budge, and will disown their parents if they have to (usually never that bad, but in some rare cases yes) Some guys will be steadfast, and find a way to make it work and create a balance, and not crack under the pressure of age or what people say. And in a lot of such cases, indian parents welcome non-indian SILs DILs with open arms.
A lot depends on how traditional they are and how much of a hold they have on him. Please be careful about his intentions even if you do have a frank conversation about this. If you are still not convinced, I think the top comment was the best. “You should walk away”
some people understand how this feels and some don’t, but being an emotional person makes you feel things a lot harder and deeper. it’s how the body just reacts, so yea you shouldn’t have said that. I’m just like her and it’s never manipulation. in fact, I’m embarrassed of doing it but can’t help it.
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Her brain is working through trauma from an abusive asshole and you’re crying me me me.
You fucked around and found out. I’d consider seeing a therapist to work through your insecurities before you destroy your marriage.
Right, I agree that would be the most rational way to approach the situation. However, I’m not sure how do I process my emotions so that I can be rational – I just feel ugly and heartbroken rn.
And yes, we had (have?) a great friendship but now, esp. after what she said, I’m not sure if I should, and can, continue it since I’ll always be reminded of this time
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Yeah it’s definitely tough. I don’t want to never talk but I know it will be naked at times. I feel like some time in NC can help at first and then slowly checking in to test the waters/ see where she is might be ok.
There's a wise old saying: tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are…
So you dated for two months, it’s been 10 years, and you want to meet up and chat about things? Why? When the relationship was so minuscule. There is nothing to resolve.
You don’t need to meet up with this woman.
If you do, tell your wife. If it’s/she’s so insignificant to you, tell your wife. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know about this particular ex. You know it’s wrong (as this post shows), so, talk to your wife.
Of course you can and should attempt to fix people. throwing away partnerships at the slightest inconvenience is dumb.
Good , stable Relationships always require some work
Why are you still living with your mother? It's way past time for you to become independent and have your own place to call home.
Is this a bot? What purpose could this possibly serve…
Get down on one knee in front of Cinderellas Castle and dump her.
Sometimes this kind of behavior can signal beginnings of brain changes in people as they age. Only you know if this is how she has always been or it is a recent change, or if her behavior is escalating. It may be nothing and she's just lonely but keep in mind it could be other things.
Is he employed? Present for your child? Attentive to your needs? If he is then you are being unreasonable.
Her dog killed one of these animals. She’s lucky you didn’t have them put down. I’d end things with her, frankly.
She’s selfish to the point of letting something DIE for what she “wants”
There’s ways to be protective without being aggressive? How are you an adult with this mentality?
He could’ve sternly asked the guy to back off or be more considerate without threatening to throw him down the stairs. Especially because that man wasn’t even bothering you. It sounds like he lacks special awareness, not that he was actually trying to intimidate you.
Men who act like this only get worse over time. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns his aggression towards you in the future.
There’s ways to be protective without being aggressive? How are you an adult with this mentality?
He could’ve sternly asked the guy to back off or be more considerate without threatening to throw him down the stairs. Especially because that man wasn’t even bothering you. It sounds like he lacks special awareness, not that he was actually trying to intimidate you.
Men who act like this only get worse over time. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns his aggression towards you in the future.
So she wanted you to keep the kittens as puppy chow? She sounds ridiculous. The cats aren’t safe in your home as her dogs killed one. Your girlfriend is a very uncaring egotistical person.
Be willing to listen, ask questions sensitively and without pressure, ask if there's anything he needs or you can do to help, and if things are bothering you, either postpone or talk calmly, this is not a time for theatrics. Maybe pick up more than your share of chores for the time being, this won't last forever.
this is what happens when you are 24 and have been dating the same person for 6 years. Wanting to experience new things and people is totally normal for young people.
You deserve the same
I think the ultimatum is actually too long. If it has been years and he isn't doing anything even when you kindly offered to help pay… what more should he need? Also, your health is important too. If you kiss, any periodontal disease he may have can be contagious and affect you..
You have gone through this for five years and STILL proposed to her? Dude. End it.
Cool. Have a great night.
Consider your relationship over or at best your husband won't trust you if he finds out about it. That's how serious this is… you now know what kind of person your BIL is… your husband deserves to know.
You are not in the wrong, but maybe there is a compromise that works better for you two? Spanking as opposed to face slapping? Way less risky and less likely to result in injury. However, only if YOU feel comfortable. BDSM should be consensual and enjoyed by BOTH parties, if you are uncomfortable, tell her that.
You are trash, reflect on that.
I don’t mean any offense by this at all, but how are you going to afford medical school and housing? With that much credit card debt it will be very naked to get any loans.
I'm guessi9ng she wants a child. No one except married Cathloics & those who don't have access to BC would use this. It's birth “delay” at best.
She hates herself that’s the only logical explanation
To add to this, I think it helps people get grounded in the reality of the divorce. Like going through the motions can make it feel real and start processing it.
Not like I used to but I'm active enough. Exercise bike a few times a week. Walks with the dog. My job is pretty active which is why I'm so tired all the time.
You don’t explain it. You say “I am breaking up” and leave it at that.
It doesn’t really matter the reason because nothing you say makes it easier. It’s just gonna hurt for the other person. That’s how it goes.
The most mature thing you can do is take ownership of the hurt, don’t make excuses, and let your partner say whatever they gotta say to feel better. Then move on and do your thing.
We’ve been so happy. Some of my happiest times have been with this man. He’s being healing and supportive. So I know he’s capable of being such. I’m at the point where I’ve run out of ways to blame myself just to try and make it make sense. It’s like two different people. I miss that other person.
He would never hurt our children. He’s so gentle and loving with them.
So…. “amazing husband” boils down to:
cleans, as any adult should (does not actually clean) doesn't care about small harmless quirks doesn't care that you…. plan your life? supports your education and spirituality (or is this another “doesn't care”? does he actively do anything to support these?) gets mad at you regularly is okay with you buying books
Congrats that you're not married to an abusive monster, but I can't help but feel your bar is still extremely low.
You are absolutely not a bad person for wanting to be married to someone you like on more than a superficial level. This does not make you shallow. It's literally the opposite of shallow.
I think you need more independence and more confidence in your relationship.
I also think you need to consider if this relationship is appropriate for you give the long distance, you do not sound cut out for ldr's.
Also, if y'all have been together for a year and a half does that mean he started talking to you at 19? I don't understand why a 25 year old would date a 19 year old.
She shouldn't have children ever with that disgusting attitude. What a vile person.
Yeah I am but fs it dose but I have really bad anxiety and depression and adhd plus bpd i let my brain take control to much and it puts me in a dark place i feel so useless to him like I’m pathetic compared to him I can’t drive and we live with my parents I just feel so trapped sometimes I wanna do better and support him and our daughter but i sometimes I need support back and I know he works extremely hot for me I do the best I can to support to him but I can only put on a brave face for so long
Yeah I would've packed her bags and taken her out to the roadside.
I’m a step mom and a mod a childfree step mom group.
This is common in the beginning. And it’s usually one part of a total package of poor boundaries, enmeshment, and permissive parenting. I’d strongly recommend that you two see a couples counselor who specializes in blended families. Not only will it help you choose the role you want and set boundaries, it will help him navigate being dad, coparent, and partner—because that’s not easy to balance either. And it will help you both make good choices for the kids for a nice smooth transition.
It was like this in the beginning for me too. But with some good communication, we made some changes. The kids didn’t get shorted but we started making some of our own traditions. It’s a little early yet in your situation though to be making big adjustments.
I think you already realize this, but just to provide you with some validation for your concerns that you’ve mentioned: Girl RUN ???
Good thing you don’t have too?bet you’re fat and single. Crooked spin
I’ve always been the girl guys want to sleep with but not date. Please don’t be a moron and a doormat like I was. Don’t let her use you. You are worth more than a human sex toy.
Wait till he's naked, and tell him he looks like a turtle.
Idc if I get downvoted for this- mind your business & don’t come to reddit for relationship advice. They’re all bitterly festering people that instantly tell anyone in any bad situation to break up, or that they’re a shitty person.
The matter of the truth is that every situation is different & every one here only knows half of a story. Use your better judgement.
I was able to afford this last year with no issues; but then I unexpectedly lost my job in January and this escalated very quickly! Unemployment completely fell through and I had to take multiple minimum wage jobs just to get to $3000.
It was my first year at that income level, so I hadn't been fully established, and couldnt save too much because i had other large expenses in the year that came with the move.
So the sudden loss of income really was a mess.
I finally secured a new full time job now (which is still lower paying) but this will atleast help me get back on my feet and rebuild to back to where I was.
This was an unexpected event that escalated quickly and I've learned my lessons and going to do what I have to do to keep what I have!