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Relationship is totally not doomed, but there is a boundary issue that's interfering with the quality of life for you both.
I don't know why your GF feels she has to moderate your experiences, but the pressure she feels to do so is real even if you have assured her she does not. Can you ask her, in a caring and gentle way, to explain to you what makes her feel that she has to do that?
Perhaps she was raised in a codependent / invalidating household where she was made to feel responsible for a parent's mood. Maybe she had an an abusive ex who would punish her for things she was not responsible for. That can train you to try to manage other people. If that's the case, there are ways to re-establish healthy boundaries you can learn through self-help or therapy.
Or maybe it's something about you. If you are quiet and nonreactive, maybe she feels unable to enjoy whatever is going on because your blankness or nonparticipation make her feel as if she is forcing you to endure something you would not choose if she didn't make you. Does that sound like you? If so, it might be a good idea not to sit there like a bump on a log. Participate, react, help her enjoy her experience. She's not dating you so she can ignore your reactions and talk to other people who are showing signs of life.
Or maybe it's a combination of things, or something else entirely.
I'm not sure what more you can do to reassure her but…you have a free one coming as far as I'm concerned.
Sort of sounds like you’re not listening to her. But also, the first year is the hardest. Everyone is annoying, so pick your battles.
Here are some things that are toxic:
So a month of me living there he's already going through my phone and accusing me of cheating on him.
The entire time he's teaching me the ropes I'm being SCREAMED at, getting called every name under the book, threats to leave me, kick me out, etc. I failed my first test and it felt like my life was over. The way I was treated and talked to after failing that test, I didn't realize people treated other people that way.
I've been doing all the work around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, cats liter box etc.
Well last night he wakes me up out of my sleep and tried to get me to give him a BJ. I said no. And he says “well your going to have to find someone to tap in, I've got needs.”
Something you might find interesting is binge drinking behaviour, which seems to fit his bill.
You should also remember that drunk words are sober thoughts. He doesn't become a different person, he just has impulse control when he's sober. But if he becomes furious and calls you names, that's not the alcohol talking. That's just the alcohol removing his filters. So what does that mean?
He's furious with you on the day to day. He thinks you're all those words he called you. Those are good true, unfiltered opinions of you.
And he uses suicidal threats to manipulate you. Actually suicidal people don't play chicken this way. He probably is very depressed and anxious, but these are reasons, not excuses. I've been very depressed, anxious, and suicidal myself, and I've never once used that as a threat against the people I loved. I hid that from the people I loved because I knew they would have really bad feelings about it.
Okay so clearly the underlying issue is she does not acknowledge your wants or seems to consider what you would like. You need to talk with her about it. She seems to love you and care for you but not in the way you are wanting.
The only situation I'm gonna call you out for is the birthday trip and wanting a card /small gift instead of a trip. I am sure you're grateful for it but it still sounds…ungrateful I guess? I understand your feelings and thoughts, but it starts to sound a bit too sensitive. Regardless, you are valid and you need to communicate these issues.