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1. I am looking for clarification of why someone with abandonment issues will push me away when they’re afraid of the result of doing just that?

   Short answer: One reason is that, over time, her abandonment grows so strong and painful that she will preemptively abandon you to stop the pain and to prevent you from abandoning her. But the main reason for this puzzling behavior, Megan, is that a person with BPD (pwBPD) has two very strong fears — not just one.

   Long answer: When you're dating an untreated pwBPD, Megan, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. You therefore often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

   This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

   Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

   Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you.

   Granted, a pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long. Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy.

   This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

   In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

   Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.

   Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).

   Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing.

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2. First of all, he is having an affair with her, and we know it’s Elise emotionally, and could possibly be physically. You know he’s not being truthful. With cheaters you believe their actions in other words, look back at what you wrote of all the actions that he’s shown you. Never feel guilty about what you did because you’ve done nothing wrong he has. He is clearly what’s called the affair fog. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose a relationship to save it, or earn it, or gain it back. He does not have any understanding of what he is doing because he is in the fog. You can either go see an attorney and have him served and at least you are going to see one to find out your options as he continues to pursue this friend.

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3. Ew! The worst kind adult is a momma’s boy. Just gross.

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