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No you shouldn’t
Here’s an analogy that might help. You know how when you’re really hungry even a stale piece of bread taste amazing. But it’s not the bread that makes it taste good it’s that you’re starving. Same thing when you “love” an abuser. It may feel like you love them but in reality, it’s because in the relationship you’re mostly starved for their attention, so when you get it, it feels awesome. But it isn’t. It’s just a stale piece of bread that just seems that way. Google sunk fist fallacy, intermittent reward, loss aversion, and trauma bonding as those concepts are similar and they all explain why it’s so very hot to break free from abusers. But really, I promise you, every abuser is just a crusty old stale piece of bread.
Just slow down. Things are casual for him. Stop pushing it. Yes, try to instigate a kiss if he seems open to it. If he is not, I would dump him. You already had sex, if he rejects you now, time to dump.
Thank you so much for your kind words much love ?
In the meantime, he’s stacking away a ton of money into his savings/ retirement plans.
Does it ever make you wonder whether he stays in the relationship for the enormous financial benefits?
He should be getting arrested right this moment. This whole thing is disgusting.
Same in North Carolina.
That's absolutely fantastic! My daughters bio dad tried to force me to get a test when I was pregnant and the Dr warned me it could dangerous, especially when paierd with my medical problems, and he went nuts when I told him to wait until she was born, bareing inind he sexually assulted me, and now he was pressuring me to do this too, we waited until she was born, and then he vanished, didn't ask for one until I asked for child maintenance, then got mad that she was his. It was a whole mess. Glad he's far away now.
if the child IS his, he can't just walk away. he's responsible for child support (at least in the states and, i assume, many other countries)
he doesn't ever have to interact with the kid if he doesn't want to, but he's on the hook financially.
He says he doesn't want kids, believe him. This is a big deal, and if you ignore this and keep going one or both of you is going to be miserable. This isn't the kind of thing you just assume a person isn't serious about.
Da fuq did I just read lol
Wow this is extreme. In a marriage, one person trying to initiate sex isn’t “manipulation.”
It’s not a stretch in the vast majority of marriages to think a husband might want to come home to a topless wife.
Maybe she misjudged, but it’s an innocent, thoughtful miscalculation. And she was getting him what he wanted too, he’d still get his blt!
She made a heartfelt very minor mistake, and he made her feel like crap for it. Sure, he doesn’t HAVE to have sex, but why not be kind about it?
Dating is trying people out to see how you fit together. You dated a few months and he decided he did not like the fit. That's what dating is. Not to say you aren't allowed to feel hurt or sad about it – you absolutely are. (And so is he!) But, he wasn't feeling a long-term romantic connection, and that's OK. It doesn't mean you did anything “wrong” or “bad”.
Is she in therapy? Has she spoken to any medical professional? Is she on any medication?
I guess so 🙁
She is going to baby trap you. Do not have sex with her. You need to think very very hot if this relationship is healthy and you want it to continue. I wouldn’t have sex with her unless you supplied the condoms..buying fresh from the store each time. She told you she will sabotage your only means of birth control for her own selfish desire. Honestly, this is break up worthy. The trust is gone.
I am sorry for you but my mom doesn't suck. She has a good heart in the right place. Our communication is just a bit challenging at the moment
This happened in the sex and the city movie iirc
WHAT THE FUCK
No. This is not cheating. Being fucking raped is never cheating. Doesn’t matter how “dishonest” you were about it.
And honestly, even if it was consensual, you were broken up at the time. You can have all the sex you want, never tell him a thing, and it still wouldn’t be cheating.
Quite frankly, you should not be with this man. Anyone who reacts aggressively to things you did when you were single is not safe to be around. And anyone who can make themselves the victim of YOUR RAPE is definitely not someone you should be around.
I think it just comes down to your definition of cheating and your boundaries. Personally, “window shopping” as you put it, would be a deal-breaker for me.
Paying for sex and sexual content while in a monogamous relationship is generally frowned upon as porn is free.
I would just say you saw his flirting texts and you're not cool with it.
I think it just comes down to your definition of cheating and your boundaries. Personally, “window shopping” as you put it, would be a deal-breaker for me.
Paying for sex and sexual content while in a monogamous relationship is generally frowned upon as porn is free.
I would just say you saw his flirting texts and you're not cool with it.
What advice are you looking for here? He is your ex boyfriend. What he does is none of your concern. Yes, it's gross, and yes, he may be a predator. However, unless you have proof of him doing something illegal, leave the perv to his own miserable life and be glad you dodged a bullet.
Personally, I'd go in and stage an intervention. Of she is being abusive – verbal or otherwise, that should not be tolerated and he should not be left alone. If she was physically beating him (domestic violence) would you stop? As with many DV situations, the spouse is probably experiencing Battered Wife syndrom (though in his case, Battered Husband syndrom) This is absolutely not healthy for the kids and can scar them. Get him away from her – however you can. As for the CC – it's easy enough to go online and freeze/lock the card. Change the password and security questions so she cannot get in. If that doesn't work, call the CC company and tell them to lock the card & that the other card holder is acting irresponsibly and they need to be taken off the account.
I am open to understanding anyones stance on the mom because she did abandon her son, but I also believe that she's going through something traumatic and doesn't know what to do.
However, I HEAVILY disagree with you saying that the father didn't cheat on OP, because he did. When you're married with kids, an affair never only effects the other partner. It effects the entire family. The father chose to put another woman over the well being of his wife and son. All the extra time spent with the AP? That could've gone to OP and his mom. Any money spent on the AP? Should've went to his family. Every single thing the dad did with the AP took away time, money, and emotional care that he should've spent on his son and wife.
The dad cheated on his wife, son, and his family. He honestly cheated on himself too by not choosing to just divorce and instead he allowed himself to turn into a horrible person.
I would agree if the mom did it right after the divorce. That’s what spiteful people do but she waited until the op became an adult and could make there own decisions.
You need to leave this woman alone and get support for your mental health. You are in no position to love other people until you love yourself and are comfortable being alone. Otherwise you just try to be with people out of desperation, and that's not healthy and will make your mental health far worse.
Right.
Why can't he just be a kid who loves both of his goddamn parents‽
Your wife can take an Uber. You should keep your plans
My ex was cheated on by his ex wife, like full blown affair and had a baby with her side piece. (She married her side piece after the divorce and has 3 kids with him now and is super happy btw)
Point is. My exbf had crazy cheated on trauma.
Didn't stop him from threatening to “find someone else to take care of his needs” when I was too busy to have sex with him more than once a week because I WAS SICK.
it doesn't matter. Your SO is textbook abusive cheater right now.
That is likely her doing. Trying to make you feel bad like you did something wrong to cause this.
After you block her, take a deep breath. Then go for a walk, hang out with friends, or just have a night in. Take care of you.
You got this!
You need to ask yourself if this is really for closure, on your part, or to see if there are still feelings for your EX…? Your husband doesn't want you to go, there is no “a little uncomfortable” feelings for your husband. It's probably tearing him apart that you are even entertaining the idea of meeting up with your EX. I mean of the roles were reversed would you want your husband going off and meeting an EX…?
You need to tell your EX that everything that needed to be said has been said, that you've moved on and that he should to. I mean of giving you a reason why he slept with someone else isn't gonna change the fact that it did in fact happen. It isn't gonna make you feel any better so why open that door again. Just tell him you aren't comfortable meeting up and that you wish him well and leave it at that.
Than say what your actual problem is with stepping in, because this makes it clear it’s about you, not the situation. It’s that you might experience threat in the situation while you are currently not. You’re talking about your personal experience becoming more negative. The situation is already a violent one, just one you’re happy to ignore because it’s happening to someone else.
Than say what your actual problem is with stepping in, because this makes it clear it’s about you, not the situation. It’s that you might experience threat in the situation while you are currently not. You’re talking about your personal experience becoming more negative. The situation is already a violent one, just one you’re happy to ignore because it’s happening to someone else.
I would go for the coffee. At the minimum, you'll each have the opportunity to reconcile some of the past that shaped each of you. Kudos to you for healing!! Im so proud of you. Perhaps she could use a little grace on this one? You could help her heal herself and that in itself will be even more empowering for you. Nothing to lose here, everything to gain! Go for it and stay strong!
You should have said that you need proof, like a photo, before you can believe him, rather than telling him to fuck off. As now he’s not likely to want to help you.
So now you are going to have to either learn fast how to be a better actor so you can get her to think your “work stress” is actually what is wrong, or confront her. And neither is going to be a good outcome for you.
You breakup and on your way out be thankful you are free!!
Obviously he doesn’t care if his wife is a good person. Is he worried that she thinks he’s not a good person for hooking up with her while he’s married. He muted her so that YOU wouldn’t hear when she contacts him. There‘a more to their story and you just left it at that.
It is unfortunate that it is so late to divulge this but you must. The child is a big responsibility and it will only get harder to leave from the birth onwards. Dont try to forge on if its not in you. Best to not destabilise the family after.
The relationship was doomed from her decision, you should have been more honest with yourself earlier in and made it easier all round.
He's adamant on it being true. I know it's not healthy to wait. I told him I don't want him to think I will wait around for him even though deep down I hope it's true. But I don't want to tell him that so I said don't make promises and to move on. He said he knows I won't wait but that he truly believes we will meet again. Looking back the timing is not realistic. He's got a lot left of school and we can't online in the same city for a couple years. So maybe we were hopefully or naïve but am I wrong for hoping that we do meet again? i'm still in shock maybe it's day 1
You clearly know the right thing to do because you feel shitty about the situation. You are choosing not to for your own selfish reasons
We don't know what he said to imply that or which bit he isn't ok with. And I don't think it's assumed at all that marriage is the end goal, especially considering he explicitly said he didn't want to get married. You can be in a committed relationship without marriage.
Today she texts me from work, telling me that Jim asked her again to hang out on the weekend and if i was okay with it.
If you're uncomfortable then tell her NO and how you're uncomfortable with all of this. If she still insists or goes to his place then you end the relationship and move on.
Connect your phone to a bluetooth speaker/turn the speaker all the way up. Blast porn as loud as you can. “Oh you don't like that? No problem… I'll 'work on it'”
She is trash for sleeping with a married man and you kind of dodge a bullet. But you sticking around and being her “friend” in hopes of her coming around and catching feelings for you is also bad. Not as bad as the cheating but bad nonetheless. And unfortunately, that is all the comments are going to focus on. If you are romantically interested in a girl but she doesn't feel the same then you need to move on.
Don't stick around and be her friend in the hope she will come around. You will be disappointed when she starts talking to you about the guys she's dating/hooking up with. It's not good for your mental health and self-esteem. And to answer your question yes and not for how you reacted and you should definitely try NOT to fix this relationship. That shit is dead and gone.
Why can’t she meet her friends at their places if they are bigger?
You shouldn’t have to leave your own place.
You are if you choose not to tell him. You are in an awful position and I don't envy you at all. You are still young so it might be difficult to imagine being in his position but as a parent myself I know I would absolutely want to know if my wife had either been assaulted or had cheated and one of my children wasn't mine. It wouldn't change how I feel about my son, he would always be my son. I raised him and saw him through every milestone and families are not necessarily made through DNA. But it would impact my relationship with my wife because either she has gone through something horrific and hasn't felt comfortable enough in 20 years to confide in me or she has cheated on me and lied to me all this time. I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed if I found out others knew and didn't tell me. I think my first move would be to speak to your mother. Tell her you know and ask her what happened then tell her she has to tell him or you will. It should not be something he should hear from his son so I would hope she would take that responsibility but if she refuses he definitely deserves to know.
Arfarfarf. ????
Why are you not defending your partner??!??!
Break up with him. He's testing the waters. He wants to fuck other people.
You don't think he loved his ex at one time? You act like he didn't and you judge him for it. News flash! He probably loved her as much as he loves you now. Things change though and now he doesn't love her.
If you are not able to get sexually excited enough to lubricate naturally to allow for pleasurable intercourse, you could try using a lubricant. Your feelings though are almost certainly contributing to this issue.
See a therapist to help you get over these unreasonable feelings you have.
Nope, you’re not a psychologist but I am and this dude doesn’t sound like he has PPD, he has NPD. He’s a fucking textbook narcissist and he will not change.
Op get the hell out now and take your child with you. He is not ever going to be a good husband or father, and his abuse will only escalate
he likely doesn't see the chores as necessary and therefore resents being asked. then he knows that he's disappointing you but also just simply doesn't want to participate, so he feels guilty and shuts down
he likely doesn't see the chores as necessary and therefore resents being asked. then he knows that he's disappointing you but also just simply doesn't want to participate, so he feels guilty and shuts down
She doesn't deserve you. At all. Talk about absolute scumbaggery.
Maybe it’s all real or maybe it’s really a game. People write their best advice and they win points and give prizes. But regardless, the people reading the posts debate, learn stuff and/or it helps them or their friends later in their life.
Well, you set your boundaries in the relationship, but you have to communicate them. I feel like you're skipping the talk and jumping straight for the consequence. If you don't learn the communication piece, this will just become a relationship pattern for you and you'll eventually become resentful because everyone keeps hurting you.
Take a moment to regroup. Think about what kind of friendship you're okay with her having, and hownyou are feeling. If a certain level of physical touch is too much for you, she needs to know. If she does it knowing it will hurt the relationship, then maybe start thinking of walking away, but right now she might not realize the emotional impact on you.
You may also want to research the signs of emotional infidelity. I thought my partner was heading in that direction once, so I told him I was concerned about how close they were becoming. I pulled up the signs and we set some preventative boundaries so neither of us overstep by accident. Things like, we don't vent our relationship problems to others, we work them out ourselves. We go to each other with big news first, unless we're at work or something and it just makes sense.
Remember that your goal is to share your inner experience, not to control her. It's important to focus on the concern for your connection and how hurtful it can be that she basically spends more time with him, etc. There's always the risk that she is cheating, but please start sharing, then decide.
You want to protect her when she cries?
That’s what she’s banking on, it’s emotional manipulation. Why is she crying now, when it was an intentional and repeatedly chosen series of actions? She wasn’t upset about it then, and she isn’t upset about it now… she wouldn’t have told you on her own, had you not seen the messages and confronted her.
There was no mistake made. She even said she considered the impact on your marriage and continued anyways, that she enjoyed it.
Don’t get played a 2nd time
After having done the roomate thing with a couple, if you are paying 50/50 they DO NOT get two votes in a conflict! Seriously, it gets really old knowing you are paying for half of everything, but NEVER getting a say in things like the temperature of the thermostat, where furniture should go, or what intenet/game services can be used in the main area.
“In the past he has accidentally hit me a few times from me being in the way of the object, or it is thrown right next to me, which is kind of scary”
He didn’t accidentally hit you. He threw something at you and it hit you. You weren’t in the way of the object. He threw it at you. The way you’re describing these behaviors is textbook DV. He’s trained you to make excuses for him. It accidentally hit you. You were in the way of the object he was throwing. He has gotten better. It can’t be kind of scary.
It only happens a few times a year? Yeah that was what I told myself too, but that was before he gave me a concussion, beat a door in, and then chased me out of the house while he was blackout drunk and in a rage. I wondered often if I was in an abusive relationship because I was in a seriously toxic and abusive relationship.
You need to leave him. There is no excuse. It will escalate. This is no fucking joke. If you’re having to ask for help with his violent outbursts then you know deep down this isn’t acceptable behavior. He will eventually physically harm you, make no mistake. Trust your gut here. You know this isn’t ok.
Seriously that would be a deal breaker for me, there is nothing as disgusting or disrespectful. You might love her but spitting in your face? She clearly doesn’t value you nearly as much, she had time to think about doing it before she did, no one accidentally spits on someone or does it in a heated moment she made a choice and thought it a good idea you need to tell her that it was never okay and never will be. Break up it’s the best for everyone.
he was right :you should leave him for that pregancy trick. and now you have a secund reason : he trapped you.
It doesn't matter as in you being right or wrong, but it does give a bit of context to the situation. And I didn't deep dive into your history. I was literally trying to get to your comment but my phone's reddit is acting stupid still
I should probably do that, I hadn't thought there could be another solution
Sometimes it’s just irreconcilable differences.
Don’t tell anything to your bf, it’ll just make him feel bad.
Your mum is your responsibility to handle! You’re the one who has to protect your partner from your family.
My family has a lot of weird things in it too, and I’ve done the same.
My suggestion would be, having a private talk with your mum. Tell her that you’re happy, and that you don’t want her to affect your relationship and ask her to keep any opinions to herself. Tell her if she can’t do that, then she better not visit. Her choice.
I’ve been tough on my family in the past with specific things, they need it sometimes, they’ll survive. Today, I can say my mother has grown so much as a person and her perspective is so much wider. You can help your mum to grow for the better, it might take years, but she’ll get there. In the mean time, protect your partner.
It’s not necessarily whether or not the phone is a boundary, but the fact that just seeing a man’s name on his wife’s phone was a trigger for him.
I’d be inclined to suggest your boyfriend seek medical help. He could have sensory overload issues or undiagnosed neurodivergence.
If he won’t agree to see a doctor, you should probably dump him for your own sanity. Because if he thinks his behaviour is fine, you’ll likely not change his mind.
I’m not sure. The only thing is I know that he couldn’t get it up all night (even bj) for two different woman.
Damn I'm sorry to hear that. How did you find out?
I'm 47 years old and literally yesterday I learned just how much abuse I have accepted as normal in every serious relationship I have ever had, and realized how many times I've failed to learn and made the same mistakes again. I hope you can learn from this.
When building a life, one should to go with the finacially weaker persons abilities. You can go above that but those extras need to come out of the stronger persons pocket.
Talk to your partner. Tell him of your worries and reservations. Make suggestions and see if you two can come up with something fair.
I agree with all these points.
Plus. If he had a mental breakdown in november. And this is something he can see himself doing, getting out of bed everyday to do, something to keep him busy etc. This might be a needed baby step for him after the breakdown. It might not be long term. Maybe it will be. But if he can get outta bed and do this. That goes a long way in recovery.
My mom solo travelled in Europe when I was a young kid. She was gone for weeks! It's definitely not “single behavior” in the slightest, it's just being interested in travel. My dad just told her “I'll watch Trouble_in_Mind, have fun. Call me when your flight lands so I know you didn't explode or get arrested or something.”
Your boyfriend gets your attention and time SO often, why can't he tolerate you having an adventure for less than a week?
Especially since you've indicated in comments that he already knew that you intended to travel and that, while you WANT to travel together, you plan to also travel solo when you have the ability to do so. His dependence on you isn't healthy – this is beyond “OP needs more friends” and drifting into “OP's relationship needs work because codependence isn't okay.”
Telling your partner “If you do this thing that I already knew you wanted to do and was okay with, you're a bad person/bad partner. Cancel or you're a bad person/partner.” is very manipulative.
Drop the girlfriend and follow your academic path.
Let’s be real here, you’re 21 yrs old that’s far too young to alter any part of your life or education path for a girlfriend. At your age a girlfriend should be a nice complement to your life, not an obligation.
you should be in that mindframe for another few years at least
Yeah you definitely need to discuss this with her
This! ?
I don’t have any great advice for you, OP, but if they ever push you to act like you should speak as if your father’s wife is your mother again you should maybe highlight for them that would leave people who don’t know the whole story with the implication that your father knocked up a 14-year-old when he was 28.
thank you for all of this. i’ll try 🙂
Tell her to stop running to her family with her bf personal information.
Hello no.
Not normal. This is pretty odd and it's like her family wants to keep him around “just in case”.
That's not something I'd put up with and if you want him out of their lives, it's going to be a tough road to get there and eventually might never happen.
Is that what you've signed up for?
you’ve wasted a lot of time with this guy. how much more do you want to waste?
If she can’t do it file for divorce for her eazy
Because he is still in love with you, you have to pull the plug, he isn't gonna be able to do it. He will get over you one day and find happiness, you have to end it so he can move on.