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  1. So let me get this straight, you have this very black and white view of what OP did as being wrong because after one date, she should have been exclusive with her now bf and not talked to/slept with anyone else. But meanwhile, you were prepared to enter into the gray area of FWB with a COWORKER. So for OP, you saw sex as this serious violation of trust for the guy she went on one date with, while you were trying to navigate how to have sex with a coworker without putting a label on it? You even mentioned taking her on a date which you’ve said now is understood to mean future commitment? Make it make sense.

  2. Don’t do anything right away. Act as if nothing happened. Gather all your financial records, including credit cards, get phone records. Go to an attorney and seek advice, including regarding finances. Prepare yourself and protect yourself. When you’ve done all that, then you do what your attorney advises. Protect yourself first and foremost. Don’t even hint to him.

  3. He didn't make you a bad person. He's the POS who went to your house and put himself in that position. You should tell him.

  4. Nobody looks for validation when they are telling the truth, it’s pretty obvious you did something wrong and now you’re looking to the internet to help back up your side. So tell us, did you fuck him or suck him off ? Or just a bit of hands stuff ?

  5. thats actually super weird imo, 2 months is enough time to already be having sex (not that u HAVE to) but i’ve never been in a romantic relationship where it even had to be discussed. and if she’s talking about being horny then i don’t see that u did anything wrong. if i was dating someone for 2 months and wasn’t having sex yet i would also bring it up with any prompting

  6. He probably is already cheating on you, not with person….yet, but he has cheated on you before. I wouldn't go straight he had an affair, but he has definitely had one night stand situations. Why else would be so willing to work closely and be friends with someone he knows has gone out of their way to hurt you in the past. On top of that he is happily giving that person opportunities to do it again in the future. He doesn't really respect you as a partner. And can you really love someone whom you don't respect?

  7. Yes its possible but in my experience from young to old the majority have some hidden/not so hidden desires, affections or agendas. You just have to make decisions on what you want from life and how comfortable you are with different people as these occasions arise unless you just decide to not have male friends.

  8. I believe in you! You got this alright?

    Take care of yourself. You have happy days coming your way.

    Best of luck in your journey!

  9. Tell her to ignore what losers say about her. If she feels good in the dress, that's the only thing that matters

  10. In a partner i want someone who will express their emotions to me

    But you tell your BF the exact opposite of this when you ask him to be like (emotionless) Connor.

  11. Lol sometimes you just need to say things in the simplest way possible. “Conceal carry” and “open carry” sounds much better than “walking around with a loaded weapon” and I’ve found when I use less flowery language even pro gun people can get a bit uncomfortable, something about facing the reality of their own stupidity and recklessness

  12. I have tried to tell him to play acoustic instead of thru the amp because the amp gets super loud or to play outside of the room. I understand your point maybe setting a time it’s ok the only bad thing is I can’t leave his room when he wants to play

  13. My response to this would be

    “The clothes will be returned when I do the washing”

    Then I'd probably get some more clothes that I just kept at my house 100% of the time (get the kids to change and send them back unwashed with them), to avoid having to interact with a control freak that still thinks you're obliged to pander to their demands

  14. Have her get tested again immediately before the drugs can take effect. That’s the only way you will know. If she refuses you have a problem. Tick tock

  15. He doesn’t want to go. He WILL go if you ask, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to hang out. If you’re hoping to get back together, this ain’t the one.

  16. Every single thing she said and did already was completely out of line. Wonder how your mother would feel about that.

    If you're smart you'll stop, turn around, and walk away next time this lady is around.

  17. Thanks for your input. Saying “stop taking it personally” is easier said than done unfortunately but I appreciate you taking the time

  18. It is okay if you don’t care if at some point in the future he beats you because he was drunk but please rehome your cat. She does not deserve to be abused because you are too blind/refuse to see who he really is.

  19. Reading comprehension is a valuable skill and the lack of it is a problem…

    OP never said she withdrew consent but go ahead and make shit up.

  20. She's basically telling you that the things that are important to you are not important to her. If you can't turn that around, then you're just spinning your wheels in mud.

  21. Imagine hiding it and then it coming out years later. It's understandable you didn't tell him right away as you were scared and processing it, but you need to tell him. Also a good idea to get tested for STD since you don't know what happened.

  22. In my experience British women are extremely cold and do not want to have conversations related to deep emotion compared to American women.

    They are very fact based with little interest of your feelings or opinion.

    I will admit I'm going off a small sample of maybe 5 women, but it was the same way for all of them.

    So sure the data may be correct, but it's more important to understand why

  23. You said you Broke-up. AFAIK everybody who is anybody takes that

    to mean that your Bond is severed and you both went your own ways.

    Nothing special here unless its your unwillingness to stop

    mulling over the past.

  24. You're not wrong that childbirth and the tending of a newborn puts an enormous strain on a relationship. So if yours is already this tenuous you should prepare to be a single parent (unless you're considering adoption). He is what he is and he's never going to stop cheating. So just make sure you're getting all your legal ducks in a row. If you'll need child support you'll have to put his name on the birth certificate. He can still deny paternity but you can demand a court ordered DNA test. If you don't need child support or are planning to put the child up for adoption don't put his name on the birth certificate, as that'll give you more freedom. It's not a great situation, OP. If he intends to be in the kid's life at all you can't really “detach” because he can challenge you for custody, get visitation, etc. Unfortunately this is likely to get very complicated. Once you share a child with someone they're in your life for 18 years if they want to be. Good luck.

  25. Please try to get custody of your child. Your ex is honestly being a bad mom and setting your son up for psychological issues in the future. The damage can be repaired when you have joint custody and you get to spend time with him and prove to him with your actions that what your ex is saying isn't true.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your ex is being selfish. She doesn't want a relationship with you (which is fine) but she doesn't want to let you have a relationship with anyone else. That's not fair and not ok.

  26. Thank you. We plan to bring my grandpas pictures to Arizona with us for vacation as that was our original plan. What your saying really helps

  27. Why should she bring up her insecure feelings? How would he resolve the issue, be less confident? She probably needs to keep these feelings to herself and get over her insecurities. Like you said, a cheater would cheat regardless.

  28. If you can, get her a present too. I am sure she's going through a though time rn as well, since there are so many changes going on and she has to adjust to so many new people. It would ne beautiful if she could feel included and make friends with her maybe step-cousins. Maybe you can already explain to them that it would be nice if they included her in their games and then introduce her and the other kids. I'm sure she would appreciate it a lot. She deserves your welcomeness as yes, she's an innocent party in this.

  29. If this were your mother, how would you advise her? Would you tell her to run into the arms of the manipulative psycho who threatened her harm and when that didn't work threatened himself harm? This is 7 kinds of fucked up, it's not your fault he is broken. You can't fix him. Get out now before he hurts you.

  30. don't date in college. it really is just all about hookups. you might think you have found “the one” or someone worth it but theyre just gonna cheat and ruin you and waste your time.

  31. If this is your goal I would shoot for “attractive but classy” with how you dress. If you're wearing a super low-cut top, bare midriff, short skirt, and stiletto heels he's going to be thinking about one thing, and it's not how fun it is to hang out with you. That's an extreme example but I'm sure you get my drift. If he wasn't attracted you to he wouldn't have asked you out.

  32. Honestly even if she was drunk off her ass o don’t understand how she could sexually harass an old man in general but also while in a relationship. Personally I’ve been drunk off my ass and never sexually harassed anyone I might have said things like your cute or whatever but not that and definitely not if I had a bf. That stuff isn’t funny at all in my opinion I mean funny to sit on his lap and take a pic but thats it. What gets me the most is she keeps bring it up and to me that means maybe she is attracted to this man in a sexual way and isn’t “joking” but I could be very wrong I don’t know her but it doesn’t make sense to me why she keeps bringing it up. I feel her behavior alone was so inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship whether she was drunk or sober doesn’t matter really in my opinion. Please really do some reflection on what you want and need from a partner. Take what you want from my advice and opinion. I don’t know her or you so this is only based on the info at hand and my own experiences. I am a 29f and I have never been in a relationship I’m also a bit introverted but I used to go to the bars with my friends when I was younger I don’t drink much just cause I don’t like it and the taste is kinda gross. So my experience is limited so take my advice with a grain of salt I guess but if you need someone to talk to or a friend feel free to message me. I like to be a safe place for people cause I know sometimes it’s nude to talk to loved ones and it cna easier to talk to a stranger.

  33. Is everyone missing the freaking point? Its not about punishing her current bf for her ex bf’s sins, it’s more so the fact that OP is not comfortable with this individual, it was always a possibility that this individual would go, OP let current bf know this information and he did NOTHING with it. Didnt follow up on it, could have made it a “hey if this person is going I don’t want to go” while they were still in the planning stages, but how convenient that it’s too late now to return tickets and hes just found out she’s going. If i were a concerned bf I would look into if this person was going or not and would not go if she was going. Like, how would y’all be comfortable with your bf closely hanging out with someone that your ex bf cheated on you with? Like I would absolutely not be okay with that, not even for the possibility of cheating but just because that person is a terrible individual and i wouldn’t want my S/O to be hanging out with them…

    In short OP, I think you’re justified in how you feel. At the end of the day it’s up to him to go or not. But you know that your bf knew how you felt about this girl and he decided to do nothing about it when planning the trip. Honestly it seems like he was more looking forward to the trip than taking into account your feelings. I think it’s most likely he will go, which will probably create resentment between you two. I think at this point just let him go and you need to have a serious discussion with him after the trip about how your feelings were hurt in all this, and why he didn’t take action knowing the information you gave him.

  34. Nah, I think if she actually DID think you were a nonce, she would immediately fight to take your kid from you. And I think she would realize how serious the situation was in order to do so.

  35. u/MsJamieFast

    i really don't know if you noticed the sister's but, BUT she is 16 and you are 20. I just feel like pedophile means something entirely different from that.

    It does.

    Pedophilia is specifically pre-pubescent children.

    A 16 year old girl falls into the category of Ephibophilia, which is when a person is only sexually attracted to individuals who are generally between the ages of 15 to 19.

  36. Right?! What in the fresh hell? I’d be sooo uncomfortable around him all the time– in our joint home..? Nope.

  37. Yes to all of that. I think my favorite part, aside from the STI’s I got since he was cheating on me and not having safe sex, was how he rewrote history and told his family and friends that he divorced ME because I’m a raging alcoholic. ? even his fam didn’t buy that one. I still haven’t outted him as it’s not my story to tell and I can’t imagine what it must be like to not be your authentic self. But good grief. Not sure about you but I suspected and brought it up many times and offered an open relationship with only the rule that he keep my physically safe. He denied being gay right til the moment I found out about his affair partner of 6 mos.

    Anyway. Upwards and onwards. Don’t make things messier by bringing this woman back into your life. No good is going to come of it.

  38. The significant age difference combined with the fact that he won’t let you meet her are major red flags IMO. My guess is they’re still together. He wants to have his cake and eat it too

  39. Thanks, for being positive and very supportive of me. I'm doing my best with what's left of me after giving her so much for so long. You're absolutely right about not holding her accountable for things she said back when we were still 16 and 17. Still, we did develop a lot together just like you said, and she still made the decision to withhold how she was feeling about us from me, whom she told everything else without thought, every day. Do you think she was unwittingly using me, in that regard? As a sort of attention dispenser?

    And there's still the elephant, we slept together (not sex), just a week ago where she seemed genuinely just as happy as ever, and told me she loved me like we always told each other, staring just as deep into my eyes as always. She was my family in that regard, and all of my family knew how deeply I cared about her, more than myself at times. I'll never understand what possibly could have happened in that time frame for her to decide that I wasn't worth trying for. All she gave me was that she was tired of “waiting” (presumably for me to get a job and make money like she had just started doing), and that I hadn't changed enough.

    I'd always tried discussing our relationship with her, but she had a bit of a social disability, where she'd just kinda get stressed and get a headache when she had to either introspect or be empathetic at all. Sounds funny in retrospect that I stayed that long with someone like that, but, I genuinely believed her to be trying her absolute hardest.

    Sorry for blabbering, I appreciate your input regardless.

  40. Well, if you don’t leave now you’ve lost every single say in the relationship for the next 50 years. Cuz he’ll know you never meant it, and he’ll be sure to test that out more and more to pay you back for depriving him for however many months.

  41. The way you talk about being unable to let him go is something you should discuss in therapy. I’ve been that way and have a lot of trauma and found out I have bpd. You sound a LOT like me and if that’s not a warning sign idk how to convince you. I get that no internet stranger will talk you into leaving but the expression of your attachment is definitely one of the signs.

  42. I honestly had to check to make sure this wasn't a troll post. You're literally mad at the poor guy because he's excited your date went well?

    Would you prefer he ignore you and date other people while playing very hot to get and pretending he doesn't actually like you?

    Please end things now and let him go find someone else who deserves him.

  43. u/CrazyPossible6022, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.

    The right way to do it is to create a brand new Reddit account that begins with ThrowRA.

    Please create a new account that starts with ThrowRA in the username and try again. Please note that we will not make exceptions to this rule.

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  44. I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds painful on many levels.

    Emotional illness doesn't excuse her assaulting you, whether in public or in private. She certainly deserves to get help, and to have her issues treated with compassion, but that doesn't change your right to be safe. She doesn't deserve to have you as her punching bag.

    I've had that same “switch flipping” moment, more than once. I can't explain it either, but there's no going back. You tried your best. You're absolutely right to walk away, this woman is not ready to be with anyone right now.

  45. She is most likely doing her best to be on time, but just has a very bad sense of time, could be adhd, she could have some other issues like depression or anxiety, that make it really nude to get up and do stuff. Talk to her.

  46. There are 2 ways to interpretvhis text. He thinks you lied to him or he lied to you. Either way, he's not mature enough to discuss it. If he thinks you lied, he's someone who refers to himself as a “good one”. Yuck.

  47. Divorce.

    Your wife no longer wants to share your affection, money, and time with your daughter. She is interfering in your parental relationship and responsibilities.

    Your daughter has already noticed, I promise you. She (daughter) hasn’t gotten a gift from you in two years. This is a horrible situation and you need to put your child first.

    Don’t make another kid with this selfish woman.

  48. Hello /u/wingsandbluecheese,

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  49. Ya, that ex coworker definitely did some lying to break you guys up. Don't be surprised when that coworker puts the moves on you soon. He sounds unhinged, I hope he doesn't know where you live

  50. Hello /u/karennsm8itj,

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  52. Call, don’t text. Genuinely apologize. You let the excitement of people wanting to be your friend get to your head.

  53. $800 is NOT FAIR for free housing, food, transport etc. And have you seen what see pays for?

    What world do you live in?

  54. This isn't about you, it's about other people in his life who have been scammed. Knowing 100% reduces the tiny bit of worry that he may have had even without a reason.

  55. you need to leave him. come on now. he's literally searching high and low for an out. he was probably praying it was not his

  56. Your household is already broken wether or not you are together. Your main concern should be your child's continued exposure to the damage your wife is causing.

  57. Yes. If you were teens it would be fine but he is a grown man and should have given you a small inexpensive gift.

  58. Nietzsche, the philosopher, might be able to help. By what you said, that he’s highly creative but at the same time seems codependent, his writings may put into words what he might be experiencing. I’d suggest Genealogy of Morals as a start. He might finally feel like he’s been ‘heard’.

    This is a very offshot reply, and I don’t know if it’ll work, but I think that it’s worth a shot.

    If you’ve done everything and there’s been no avail, I think that you’ll need to go up to your brother and tell him about how you’re feeling and tell him what you wish would happen. If this doesn’t, then I think that you may need to let him go. I know you suggested that your parents are also intertwined with this in a weird way so I’m not sure, but that’s the best that I can think of.

    In the end, I feel that you may need to let him go and let him figure it out, but I don’t know.

  59. I don’t understand why you escalated to the sherif/ why the sherif even gave a shit and didn’t just tell you to change your PIN number. That’s what happened to everyone I know who’s ever been in this situation.

  60. Honey you were groomed by an adult man into this relationship and just to accept what he wants. Youre not his doll- id get out of this and experience a normal relationship and regular life first. This is not it.

  61. Hello /u/zhyku,

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  62. I’m not trying to convince myself he has psychosis at all it was just a general thought and question that I thought may contribute, and his mother actually reached out to me first and gave me my Christmas gifts still, she’s honestly very sad he ended things as is the rest of his family and his sister in law spent new years with me at her own offering and talked with me about everything.

  63. Hello /u/Thatperson9993,

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  64. Hello /u/UpstairsAnteater4343,

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  65. I actually don't know.

    I assumed as such from first glance but people in here are saying she's canonically asian so I legitimately have no idea at this point as I'm not very familiar with the source material.

  66. It's something like


    , for reference. She constantly maintains this look, and has since before we met.

    Reading comprehension, am I right?!

  67. None of those are valid excuse. There really isn’t a valid excuse to cheat. My ex cheated on me and tried blaming his grandparents’ deaths…from two years prior. Death doesn’t allow for people to cheat. Those are two separate instances. He lied to you and is now trying to manipulate you. He’ll continue to do so if you stay with him

  68. Don't expect this to ever change, people who are high maintenance will happily bleed you your whole life.

  69. Shoot, I (as a woman) buy condoms, keep condoms and travel with condoms (because you never know).

    You know what ruins a mood? Finding out you have an STD.

  70. I wouldve been proud of him either way. I wouldve loved him no matter how he was straight,gay,smart,not very smart,anime lover,football player.

  71. Sounds like gaslighting at its finest to me!

    “I am objectively Danish”

    “Stop acting crazy, you're not Danish!”

    Idk what else to tell you.

  72. I was following you until you started complaining about how she dresses; leggings and a hoodie are pretty standard clothes for anyone. Would you change your wardrobe if she told you she didn’t like how you present yourself? Definitely talk to her about picking up more slack around the house, but don’t start badgering her to start dressing more provocatively because you want to “show her off”.

  73. Well I’d say u deserve better. Only just noticed you’re a woman as well but I think you’re addicted to her so I think this kinda abusive behaviour is normal, sounds like she can’t bear to be in same room as u, why wud u wanna hav e kids with someone like that

  74. Dang… I never viewed it like that…

    He would always deny any attraction to her and would always find excuses— even going the extent to tell me I was embarrassing which is why he stopped inviting me out… and I allowed it and believed it.

    I guess it really is time to move on and quit fighting for something that isn’t there.

  75. One of the things I've learned in life is that it is very, very very hot to control others. Even if you are able to force him to bend to your will, controlling people like that will harm your relationship. Like you say, you're able to suppress his behaviour, but then he goes back to it after a while – because the only reason he changes is because you force him, and that's not a good, healthy change.

    And so, I strongly advice that whatever approach you take, pick one that doesn't require you to control him in any way. Walking away is an option. If you're not enjoying the relationship, it might be a good one. Another option I can think of is to totally let him have it and do whatever he wants on social media. Those are the only healthy options I can think of off the top of my head. Suff like controlling or stalking him with fake accounts is definitely unhealth. It harms your relationship and it harms your soul, and I think you shouldn't do that.

    The generic advice that I give everyone is to love yourself. Take all that effort you give him, and spend it on yourself instead. You don't have to be enough for him, you only have to be enough for yourself. Once you have that, the solution to your problem will become incredibly obvious.

  76. You were right, red flags abound. His initial sulking and telling you that you'd die alone when you first turned him down was the first signal. He's not a good person, he sounds incredibly manipulative.

  77. You were right, red flags abound. His initial sulking and telling you that you'd die alone when you first turned him down was the first signal. He's not a good person, he sounds incredibly manipulative.

  78. You were right, red flags abound. His initial sulking and telling you that you'd die alone when you first turned him down was the first signal. He's not a good person, he sounds incredibly manipulative.

  79. It's a bit tasteless on her part but 100% allowed. You do need to give her a fair but firm move out date though.

  80. Your mom went through childhood trauma, raised a kid, managed to get a degree and good paying job while doing so, dealt with the trauma, and went from 500 lbs to the low 200s. Your mom is amazing! For me there is no way I would ban such an amazing mother from seeing her grandchild. If it was me either wife allows access and preferably goes to therapy or divorce.

  81. It's a bit weird to say it's not fair to get angry since feelings don't work that way. If this will be something that keeps on bothering her no amount of assurances or discussions can fix it. I'm not saying it's not possible, but you can't control feelings with reason

  82. I want to come to her job and talk to her after work, is that a bad idea?

    Yes bad idea.

    Let her sort her shit out on her own, don't force anything.

  83. Who caused the initial break up? Did you both hook up with other people while on a break? Lot of info missing here.

  84. YOU said that he WAS coercing her. As you have just admitted, it isn’t quite as simple as that.

    What sort of positions are you talking about?

    It’s not the same thing. Come to think of it, OP never even mentioned feeling coerced.

  85. Girl.

    He wants to have his cake and eat it.

    If he doesn’t want to commit to you then it’s perfectly reasonable that you date other people.

    You’re being transparent. Not manipulative.

    I would probably move on from him pretty quickly in your position. You’re allowed standards and expectations, he’s allowed to not meet them but that doesn’t mean you have to stick around.

  86. Oh I'm sorry I read this wrong…couples therapy would help…look in your area for low cost or free therapy…have a heart to heart talk with her. Porn and masturbation can become unhealthy…maybe you can ask her to refrain from it for a week and work on your intimacy. Sounds like she has some issues with sex and intimacy that needs to be addressed.

  87. You are the glue. That’s all. They wouldn’t keep showing up if they didn’t like you or see you as a good friend. It’s their personality. There is always one friend who is the glue of the friend group.

  88. This sounds like the plot of a bad wattpad story, oh the friend has always been truthful and your wide hasn't.

    Please if this is real you sssooo used this to justify actually wanting to sleep with the friend because even if you had thought your wife cheated, why the friend? And when speaking with your wife why not tell her what her friend said? Because deep down you wanted it to be true I bet.

    If you can't believe your wife over anyone then you have no right to be in any relationship, having a toxic past is no fucking excuse, you should have dealt with thaf shit before entering a marriage. Tell your poor wife the ducking truth so she can cut you both out.

    Although got a feeling in a few months time you will be here whinging about being blackmailed by ex friend.

  89. Trying to figure that out myself. The idea of being able to share the experiences with a significant other kept me going through a lot of shit and I’d really like to make that happen. Be a bit different if I was doing this with Bob from accounting who also enjoys beaches and sunsets.

  90. Just ask her to explain how that’s fair. So she feels she’s entitled to half your money – what is she contributing that’s of equal value?

    The notion that the guy should pay for everything comes from a very different time, where men and women were very different. I’m pretty sure she isn’t interested in the other parts of those traditional roles.

  91. Yes. He is using your parents as a tool to control you. Just as your parents use religious bs to try and control you.

    Good for you to understand that this is YOUR one and precious life.

    Read some Mary Oliver and breathe into your own authenticity.

  92. Congratulations, you have outgrown an shitty friendship. Is normal to feel a tiny bit guilty, but you did the right thing

  93. She gets mad at me for not picking up on the tiniest of things like cutting the phone call abruptly, not calling when ever I am free, not finding excuses to come and meet her, she feels like I don't love her as much as she loves me. I love this girl A LOT and I try to resolve the fights every time, there have been cases where I ask her to do something and she doesn't but I just brush it off coz I know there's no point boiling my blood over it I can just ask her to not be forgetful next time, but hell if I forget something she will make me feel so shitty about it.

    You'll never have peace in this relationship.

  94. To me, saying I love you is a way of showing affection without actually touching eachother, how often is she not at peace?

  95. She should of thought about that before she had sex…she's not a teenager but a grown woman with 3 kids and I don't buy that she was heavily protected on birth control and that she has to wait a long time to get tubes tied…they ask you at the hospital after every birth if you want it done and they do it right away.. there is no fucking waiting list…she's lying and just don't want a fucking kid.. there's help out there…child care, nannies if they pay for it…free daycare etc and etc…it's a fucking cop out.. she's just heartless.. what mother has 3 kids that she supposedly loves and wants to put the other one for adoption…the hurt and pain that's forever that she will put on her children that they were denied knowing their sibling is unforgettable….ugh what a selfish bitch she is.. when her kids turn 18 they will find that sibling through DNA and they will forever hate their mother for keeping them away from brother or sister

  96. I suggest you get out. She has been gaslighting you but saying your hallucinating when she has been lying. Her behaviour and lying sounds suspicious. I wouldn't trust her with a 10 foot barge pole and you can't have a relationship without trust.

  97. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship to be FWB with her little sister? Because that’s most likely where this is headed.

  98. You will regret it, OP. 100% guaranteed. Your later self will feel really gross. Be kind to your later self and to your best friend and just take this for the ego boost it is and swerve anything physical. Get on tinder and find a nice consenting adult to tickle your fancy instead.

  99. Just general things like sports or what they were doing at their job. But there is just large sections of time were no one is basically talking aside from me and my husband. And they never start talking to me at all, and if I ask them or tell them something they will answer with seemingly the quickest answer they can give. He does but it is like once in 2 to 3 months he hangs with them. So not a lot. Idk what they think I haven't asked them really. I haven't talked much with them myself either. Though that is because they're not really my friends to begin with.

  100. you are experiencing infatuation, not love. love is nude and its not all rainbows and sparkles, it takes naked work and dedication to your partner and the ability to put aside your own opinions to see their side

  101. If you can’t have these conversations with your daughter ‘because you’re a man’ then you should be the one backing out her life. She deserves better

  102. This has nothing to do with your perception that she lacks emotional intelligence, you were rude. Telling someone to shut up and go to bed and then turning your back on them isn’t sexy or funny.

  103. I haven’t, just trying to figure out if my thoughts are correct before jumping into accusations. I do want to be with her and would rather not ruin stuff over simple stuff

  104. No. I’ve wanted to but he’s very resistant. He’s extremely private and fairly uncomfortable talking about sex at all. I pushed for our upcoming couples therapy intake appointment , and will emphasize that we need someone with significant experience with sex issues. I’m also working on getting access to individual therapy to focus on this, though again, the amount of hope I have is really struggling.

  105. The relationship is over: depending on the severity of the argument, it might be an absolutely valid response on his part. Many people have deal-breakers in any relationship; such as cheating, maybe drug use, lying…could be a number of things.

    If the argument was seemingly mild, it could just be that for whatever reason, overtime he has realized he simply doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and this argument sort of helped him to have a reason without really giving you the reason??‍♀️

    Regardless, he doesn’t want to be with you. You say that normally couples try to fix things rather than breaking up; he doesn’t want to do that, and you can’t force him.

    Ask yourself if you would really and truly want to get back together when this is how he acts after an argument? Would you ever really feel safe that it wouldn’t happen again?

    Its time to accept this and move on, work on yourself and start over.

  106. If you know what you want from a relationship, and those aren’t things you’re getting in this relationship, then it’s time to move on from this relationship. 2.5 months may not be enough time to know if someone is “right for you” in the long term, but I can definitely be enough to learn if they’re wrong for you.

  107. If OP has to set an explicit boundary to prevent his partner from violently causing him to bleed from his rectum, then he needs to online immediately. This is not an issue of “boundaries,” this is an issue of a woman who does nt understand or does not heed basic legal and moral rectitude.

  108. The majority of people here probably dont get that not everyones relationship only gets real if you are married. All they see is that your Partner can turn out as an absolute asshole that robs all your belongings from you and Steals your home. But if that is something that i have to think about in my Partner, i dont want that Person to be my Partner in the first place

  109. Physical violence is 100% a dealbreaker for me and many others. I find that women who hit men are also the ones who accuse men of domestic violence, and it always ends badly

  110. 2 of them are already in some sort of weird ass relationship. Honestly, I'd leave. This is horrible life to on-line.

    Petty as I am, I'd give that big crybaby a piece of my mind before going. And your partner better wake up and smell the coffee since she will be forever alone by dragging that man size luggage that is Mark, around.

  111. I'd be worried if someone cares like that about social media. Your relationship is for you and your SO, not to just post about to build your ego with others.

    Also, you commenting on a picture and she said that doing that “scares people away” makes it sound like she still wants positive male attention on there and doesn't want to appear to be taken? Because what else would it scare away besides single men?


  112. Thank you for your long and thoughtful reply. I think I just realized my relationship is over, but it hurts so bad since we are supposed to get married at the courthouse on the 25th of February. I will try tonight to have a conversation with him.

  113. This boils down to you should have never even known about this AT ALL because I doubt she wants people knowing she has fertility issues or that she wants a baby and you have NO IDEA if she is trying with your ex or someone else. If they have an open relationship or no relationships. You don't know. Cause he's your ex. It's not your job to protect his fathers money. If you want him back tell him cause this is too much work on your end for a relationship that ended badly. Your friend is straight trash.

  114. The trick is to find someone who's actually trustworthy in the first place. Don't just judge people by how they make you feel, judge them by their character. Don't ignore red flags. If you find a person with good morals, you don't need to track them or keep them on leash.

  115. Dude, I find it funny how you completely ignore the fact that he’s saying he can’t be racist at all while you are claiming everyone is racist and defending him saying she should listen and understand what he’s communicating. Stop being a white knight trash. Racism does not equal racial bias. The difference between racism and racial bias is that racism is based on a system of beliefs that always privileges one group of people above another, while racial bias refers to a constellation of associations and stereotypes that unconsciously impact behavior, it can be controlled and it is by most people who have them.

    If you support improving the world rather than letting it sit as it is try this for once – don’t judge a person based on his color, don’t assume before the person presented himself and when you do judge him, judge him for who he is, not what his skin color is or what it’s associated with. You talk of white fragility but it seems like you’re the one suffering from it.

  116. we went out for a meal – that’s it (not that i’m bothered i was grateful) but then when I asked the next day for him to get me some snacks too (or something else I can’t really remember it was last March). He then complained that he spent £40 on me yesterday

  117. I don't view the tasks your listing as being a maid, especially if you're not working at the moment. I do everything you've said, except I change out the sheets once per work, and both my husband and I work FT. The only thing is, my husband does A LOT around the yard, house maintenance, house updates, etc.

    If your bf is doing literally nothing (not just you feel like he does nothing), he's still bringing home the money and should step up financially if he's expecting you to take on all the house work. What does he do around the house, yard, with the cars, etc?

  118. Uhhh wait… you took your two friends out to the middle of the forest under the guise of a Valentine’s Day puzzle when you knew it could potentially be dangerous? I’m sorry but that is an extremely shitty thing to do.

  119. From the first few sentences it sounds as if things were better before they got married, and he has gotten really complacent since then.

  120. Stop being silly. You think if OP here had said “here let's just register to be married and then buy this house” that would have gone down well?

  121. If you're doing your reading via google and other algorithm based content searches its very likely that having things like that TED talk in your history has skewed what you are seeing.

    Interface via something like startpage to strip the bias out.

  122. That seems perfect soil for disappointment if a relationship starts with snare hunting. I think my understanding is a little antique in that matter. Thanks for the insight.

  123. He is so clearly cheating and you are reaching so far to deny this very obvious fact that you seem intenionaly delusional / in denial.

    He picked a fight to excuse the trip he had already planned on inorder to cheat on you. You so meekly accepted this obvious lie i'm suprised he isn't posting pics of him and his female “buddy” have “buddy” dates together on social media.

    He hides his phone. His ex doesn't know you are dating. Does his family? Are you sure you ARE even dating him and not just an elaborate booty call?

    This level of denial makes you appear somewhat complicit in his cheating. Does he have to have sex in front of you before you accept he is constantly cheating or attempting to cheat on you and has been from day 1.

  124. thank you. you’re right. i guess i just feel attached and it’s very hot for me to just let go but I know that I need to for myself. i try and justify his actions because he did have a drug addiction and just recently gotten sober but that’s a thing in itself too. thanks for the advice

  125. Good for you. You fucked around and now you found out. I’m happy for her, I hope the guy she’s seeing is more mature and doesn’t use the silent treatment to punish her. Grow up and do better.

  126. No, I'm actually getting more than what I have right now. I have WAY less space, no backyard, and am in an unsafe area. There's 3 things I can think of off the top of my head. Plus the companionship and not being lonely ??‍♀️

  127. A couple of days ago I asked if they were still talking and he said that I’m the only girl he wants to talk to. I kind of don’t know how to feel about this.

    I haven’t seen him all day today and it’s after 11pm and he’s not home and he doesn’t tell me what he’s doing or when I can expect him home, like I thought telling your partner this stuff was a respect thing?

    I also asked him not to touch money in a certain account that we share, I’ve already asked him at least 3 times not to touch it and if he needs money I’m more than happy to send it to him. When I looked at this certain account tonight I saw that he touched the money in there, again.

    I’m really annoyed at the moment.

    Sorry I just really wanted to get that out haha.

  128. I don't think your list is bad like many others here do.

    I do think the fact that you feel the need to keep it and the fact that your husband would not only read it but discard it as a gross invasion of your privacy.

    Those who are saying it's bad for you to keep a list have never been in a relationship with someone who gaslights them.

    Keep keeping your notes. Get a journal and keep it in there. It's not insane to want to know for sure that you're not insane: people who don't want to face the shit they do will lie right to your face about events you were there to witness. In my experience, writing it down helps me know I'm not crazy.

    However I will say that keeping the list in a place you see it all the time is grudge-holding, and that might not be helping.

  129. You can do it. That's for certain. It sounds like you're holding on due to your pride, and that's about it. Maybe also because he's nice some of the time. But his abuse will only get worse after marriage because then you'll really feel trapped, and he'll feel like he has some sort of actual claim over you. No one will say I told you so in this situation- your parents will be glad you've come to them for support. And who cares if the small community you're in knows he's an abuser? He is, he earned the title and it'll help other women avoid being his next victim.

  130. Tell her she sounds uneducated and unintelligent and she should work on not just looking good, but on the inside too. Tell her she is in great danger of being a redneck.

  131. I’m hardly showing at the moment and barely had any symptoms. If I did feel nauseous, or sick I just blamed it on stress/work.

  132. Hi. First of all, I see that both of you really wish to solve your disagreements and it doesn't seem like anyone wants to do harm. That's why it makes me happy to say that I'm sure you can get through it!

    How long have you been together? There's a certain period in a relationship when people do start arguing a lot more, they run into a lot of everyday things like this that either need to be solved or it might be the downfall of the relationship. That's why a lot of people end it there, they think this is the end but it doesn't have to be. It's normal for two different people to have different feelings about everything and you're just trying to be yourselves while loving and respecting each other.

    “You're not listening” means that you might hear the words but you're not trying to understand them. That's why it might be natural to respond that you are listening, because you hear everything she says. You're both trying to explain yourself so much that you talk at each other instead of validating each other's feelings. I see you put an emphasis on always. Always and never are commonly used when someone is trying to express their feelings, however they shouldn't be taken too literally. I understand it feels triggering, though – perhaps ask your girlfriend for a different word choice and it might not feel so strong in the future.

    A lot of the time, people don't listen because they get hurt by something that was said to them. It's normal. Listening requires putting one's own feelings on a bench for a bit and not just wait for an opportunity to respond. That's why it's not easy. It doesn't mean that one person's feelings don't matter, it just means that the person speaking up requires that space to be theirs for the moment. The lack of listening can then very quickly turn into an argument over nothing, just bickering over specific words someone used.

    To speak directly about this argument: Is your girlfriend usually busy with work during the day? Does she have the time to clean her dishes or walk the dog? Perhaps she doesn't have the time or she chooses to use the break she has to rest. I agree that people should clean their own mess. She feels the pressure to do it before you get home, she says, and I think that is an important thing to point out. You come home and you probably automatically do it, with resentful thoughts that you voice in a form of a (probably passive agressieve) complaint. I absolutely understand that. When I shared a similar problem to my therapist, she asked me who puts that responsibility on me, to do the dishes? I said my partner because he's not doing them and her response was: “You, you're the one who's putting that pressure on yourself. Let them be there. Let him do it.” It was a tough one for sure.

    Of course it makes you feel unappreciated. That's her opportunity to listen and it seems to be difficult for her, too. Domestic labour is very hot, not fun and no one wants to feel like the default household manager. Is there more than the dishes that makes you feel like that? If so, try to set up a new system. Try to write down what tasks need to be done and who can do them according to time availability or skills. Once it feels more fair, I think coming home to a sink with some dishes in won't feel so triggering. But also remember that your wife is her own person and some people like to leave the dishes to “soak” for 4 hours. I don't understand it either but that's the reality. Wanting equality is one thing, wanting things to be a certain way and expecting someone else to follow that is another.

    I'm sorry this is long. It is a lot to unpack to get a bit under the surface here because it isn't just about the dishes.

  133. I'd say it's worth having a direct talk with him about what he said while drunk and just make it clear that you do care about him but only as a friend.

  134. Get a divorce and move on. He didn't wait a week to sleep with someone else. There is no it just happened. He had a brain, if he was still in love with you then he should have went “oh hell no!” but he didn't. When South Carolina floods because of a hurricane, that just happens. No sleeping with someone takes effort.

  135. I think you're just being yourself. As you've noted, she has different standards for herself and for you. That's what I meant in writing about a difference in expectations.

  136. That’s the thing. You know she would have reacted the same if not worse if the situation was reversed.

    Even if there wasn’t a kiss, the way she behaved was disrespectful.

  137. I get where you're coming from, but OP can't afford to do that.

    Her parents will probably find out.

    And the police don't actually retrieve stolen property. This would be a civil matter in the U.S., and you'd need a lawyer.

    At best, they'd just file a useless report. At worst, they could actually side with and try to help the bf's parents.

  138. Exactly this. It isn’t the fact of her consensually being with someone else, it’s the fact that he’s forcing her to be raped by multiple men while he watches and threatens to break up and she’ll be left homeless.

    Op this is RAPE. This is sex trafficking. Please go to the police.

  139. Sounds like you are reacting to what happened in a similar manner one would react to rape. Which makes sense – your bf coerced you into a sexual situation you did not want. He is incredibly manipulative and iMO you should dump him. He is toxic and does not love or respect you. He is acting all “better” now since he noticed you may leave, but when you get more secure in the relationship, he will go at it again.

    There are two options: he is either a pimp, and those men pay him, or he has this kink and he won't stop having the kind if you marry him. He will still want this stuff.

    To me, the only way forward is to dump him and get therapy and talk about this with your therapist the way you would discuss sexual assault.

  140. Take a breath.

    My biggest concern is that his sudden realization that he DOES want all those things that he never wanted the entirety of your previous relationship is the knee jerk reaction he has to the fear of being alone. Not necessarily losing you, but being alone.

    If you do love this person, and DO see a relationship at some point in the future you need to give this breakup time to settle down before you immediately jump back in. Explore being fully single. Explore dating different people. Explore being on your own. He should do that same thing because I've never heard of people changing so completely. I HAVE heard of people breaking up, promising changes, getting back together only to discover the same old crap, breaking up again, getting back together again and on and on and on until there is so much bitterness, resentment, and wasted time that the people don't even like each other anymore. Don't go that route.

  141. We’ve actually just started seeing a marriage counselor, we had our first session last week, I feel like our communication is good, it might be able to be better, he just says that he’s really hurt and he doesn’t know if he can trust me again, and I think it’s causing him to lash out, and he started leaning on this girl, so it opened that door, because he was vulnerable with her, and she comforted him, we decided we’re going to have a discussion about how to move forward with her, and I’m going to suggest going no contact with her, because if he really wants to work on our relationship and he can’t be around somebody that he might have feelings for…

  142. Dude, I met a girl at work that was on a 3 week cross country roadtrip, that lived on the other side of the country. She's currently sleeping in our bed. Shoot your shot. What do you have to lose.

  143. You're not going to be married for long. Start making plans now. She wants to keep his baby she can deal with the consequences. As you said you're going to resent this child and her eventually if not already. She may not believe in abortion but does she believe in adoption?

  144. Honestly I would say delete the post and ignore any advice from reddit. Far too serious a decision to be consulting random strangers about.

  145. So, S was confused because he didn't know what he did. You learned what it was and jumped on the “Let's be mad at S because he us so rude we never told him for 20 years” parade.

    Better idea. Go to your perfect bf, the one who is exactly who you like, who your father approved of until this thing, and tell him.

    “S, My dad has been getting silently angry because you never greet him or anyone else!”

    Then S can look at you with a slack jaw and say, when I first started coming over, I greeted everyone, until your Dad told me to stop!” Or perhaps it was someone else. The whole, “Don't bother, you're (practically family)/(a guest)/(busy with that)”

    Sounds like the two need to have a man to man talk. Because I would want to know, “Why didn't you speak to me 9 years ago? 8 years ago? 7 years ago? Why wait until now?”

    Unless this is a ploy to get the two of you to finally get married/move in together. Dad might have thought S was too comfortable and not getting his act together regarding you.

    On the scale of things, not greeting someone is minor. Your dad didn't catch him stealing, didn't catch him kissing someone else, didn't catch a nefarious plot… your bf didn't get up and say hello?

  146. This is my feeling as well. When she gave me her phone, I looked to recover the messages but they were deleted and not cached. As far as I can tell, there's no way to recover the conversation she was having.

  147. Tell his family & friends you think he’s not in a good mental place right now and… Run and don’t look backW

    Thankfully, he’s not your problem anymore so try to cut all ties before you get involved in his personal issues.

  148. was it me being controlling when i told her i wasn't interested in dating someone who clubbed and she told me she doesn't often and then i shared my rules that would make me comfortable and asked if she was comfortable with them and she said yes? or was it controlling when i held her accountable for saying she'd respect the boundaries i had that went along with clubbing in a long distance relationship? or is it controlling saying look at this point i was brought into this relationship under a false promise and now that you're not keeping your word either i leave or the clubbing goes? i'm not really sure which part is controlling and how else couples are supposed to behave ? if you don't have rules or boundaries in a relationship then how are you even in a relationship? by ur logic it would be controlling of me to tell her i have a rule of no cheating lmao

  149. You still chose to have multiple children with him. This behaviour isn’t sudden, only this decision. Is it worth throwing a marriage away over golf?

  150. What are you on about? Do you know how many men have had lives destroyed or put in prison for years with no evidence? ‘Women’ of Reddit never cease to surprise me.

  151. in that case let’s bring back the kkk cuz there agenda only says they can only date people with in there own nationality/heritage and sometimes there own cusins. please it’s an excuse to hide racism, ignorance, hatred, amd judgment

  152. So sponging off your bf's parents is OK but getting a hand up from the government is not?

    You are going to have a child. You need to put that child first over your “issues”. And if that means swallowing your pride or trauma or whatever and making better choices. Your child needs a stable healthy environment. You are not providing that by not getting on your feet, not eating everyday, keeping yourself clean, etc…

  153. Ah, young minds to be molded. It may not be that you lack the ability to think that way, but that you've never learned. Time to get a book:

    Dr Gary Chapman's “Five Love Languages” your gf needs to read and discuss it with you. Each chapter, discuss how it makes you feel and how it applies to each of you. You will find some of the languages show no interest to you, but others really do. Find out what her two most effective languages are and get her to give you examples. You do the same for her. Then, you use that knowledge to plan your love.

    Suppose she has “acts of service” as a love language. This means she would want you to do specific things to make her feel loved. It might be carry her books (or other load), or do laundry, or fold towels… doing something not on her list doesn't count. Imagine someone saying, “you wasted time washing the bathroom but you never even emptied the dishwasher!” If this is her language, you need a whiteboard where she could list tasks. You do them and mark them off and she knows you love her.

    Suppose she has “quality time” as a love language: sharing activities like a meal, cup of coffee, enjoying a sunset might make the loving memories she needs.

    There are 5 languages. Most people have a primary and secondary. Anything in the other three might be ignored (they aren't important to the recipient for terms if showing affection.)

    This is how you step up your love long term. There is a whole section on physical touch (another of the languages) which is about non-sexual touches (hugs, caresses, hand holding, etc.) When on that chapter, you can discuss what touches she is comfortable having.

  154. Some of us cry in public. We all try to act like we don’t but it happens. I’m female and between the ages of 12 to 33 I was pretty damn good at not crying in public but it happened I would guess a dozen times. Once my husband got really annoyed that I’d reacted so extremely to a somewhat simple disappointment so I had to ask him to stop the car and and I ran off crying and then had a panic attack. Not my finest moment!

    It wasn’t even a big thing but at the time it felt like someone close to be was unreliable and I couldn’t handle it.

    I’ve not had to deal with the ex thing but I have friends who’ve had exes who strung them along and then went on to marry someone else, one where they lived in together for 3 weeks before breaking up and found out the partner was married within the year. It can feel like there’s something inherently wrong with the person they didn’t want to commit to, or for some that their instinct and feelings of everything going well, being in love and trusting someone are fake and forever unreliable. How to let yourself go again? How to trust your feelings? There’s also an element of someone who may have treated you awfully going on to “better” things or finding happiness and stability etc.

    I don’t think you should take it personally but I do think you should have a long chat. A huge part for many people in being a partner is feeling understood without judgement. I’m not saying if she says “oh I still love him and you are rubbish” you should stay (you should leave obviously!) but that that’s very unlikely what it is.

  155. Ask her?

    But if I had to guess, her hoohah is sore and she was only having that much sex before trying to make you happy and now it’s back to a more normal and reasonable amount.

    I can’t imagine how painful I’d be trying to have PIV sex 3 times a day for an extended period. And the UTIs. And the mess. No thanks.

  156. Generally, relationships don't work between people with opposite world views.

    However, if this is the only thing that you have disagreed on, you should be able to work through it. If you both take time to explain why you feel the way you do on the race issue without interrupting the other person, you may be able to find common ground.

    And if common ground can't be found, you may be at least about to agree to disagree about it and drop it.

    However, since you are white and she is Indian, this is probably something that is going to keep coming up so you will need to either find a consensus, or break up.

  157. No, she is too disgusted to actually engage.

    What does that mean?

    She is also fighting with the child or she is too disgusted in you?

  158. Exactly OP clearly has unresolved issues and is projecting. Here's a tip try to not make assumptions and take things at face value. Also your hurt feelings are valid bc you two have been friends for a long time. But maybe the friendship is not continuing into the future. That happens sometimes. You also don't want to force someone into making you their bridesmaid so try to let it go. For whatever reason she didn't pick you and that's it.

  159. You could’ve easily stated in a completely different thread that it gets you jailed in third world countries for asking questions and OP can read and consider that. It’s as easy as that.

    But no. You replied to me twice despite my comments saying “well this is how it works elsewhere”. The post still hasn’t confirmed location, but many people associate Xanax with America, and America is world famous for being trigger happy shootings of anyone that doesn’t fit the police preferences and I’m sure even mild drug users with a tan might even face that risk. It’s very rich of you to say wHo sAId aNyThiNg aBouT gEtTing sHoT when the reality is that the rest of the world has to read and hear about many innocent people and children during school getting shot for no reason. Let alone drug “possession”. Maybe just think about the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around your location, AND THAT YOU CAN SAFELY ASK PHARMACIES TO IDENTIFY A DRUG in MANY first world countries.

    Also, there is absolutely no proof that this pill IS an illegal drug or regulated in any way. If you seriously are scared of being fined/jailed for asking a completely relevant and safety increasing question to the point that you get this upset over a reddit comment about another country , I would higher consider immigrating to a more developed country.

  160. This, so much this, and all of it. This should be top. There's so.much logic OP read and learn please

  161. Man I’m sorry to tell you this but I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and again at 8 weeks. She definitely lied to you

  162. You are right. But she doesn't want to see me with another woman. In fact, I lost contact with a close friend because of her.

    Usually, women easily develop feelings for me.

    And I want to move on now, but I am afraid of what will happen to her if I do. Yet, I find it difficult to continue considering her as a potential date.

    I am thinking of dating someone new while keeping it a secret from her.

  163. Why shouldn't his cat find a new home? He has 3, you have 1. I'd leave a relationship over this. Not just because of the cat, but because your bf has a callous disregard for your feelings and for your bond with your cat. His only desire is for you drop everything in order to fit into his life. He has no shits to give over adjusting himself even the smallest amount to fit into yours.

    Making threats, frightening you making you drug your cat? Screw that. Be done. When you decide to be done, move your cat somewhere safe BEFORE you tell him you're leaving. Once he is rejected, if he has the opportunity, 100% he will try to harm your cat.

  164. I absolutely agree. In past relationships I definitely depending on them too much, but in my current relationship I really have barely talked about my depression or let it become an issue at all. Yesterday I really tried to open up, and the above is how he responded. Basically assuring my anxiety about opening up to people. It's just made me feel like I should be silent my whole life. I just wish he made me feel like he cared at least.

  165. Naw if anything it’ll leave her single. Not like his bro finds his girl attractive. She just started feeling these things herself.

  166. I’m not the hero! I’m not a villain! I’m just a flawed human being just like her and just like you. What if I believed trying was better than hurting her for no good reason? The way I’ve been with her… if I just didn’t tell her why and walked away… she would be devastated and so confused. I’d have to believe she would blame herself and her body because it would make no sense to her. We’ve never even had a fight! Or a disagreement! And that’s not because of lying that’s because we are both very open and understanding ppl!

    Pls believe me I don’t want to trigger her or hurt her. I want to help her. That’s not a hero that’s a friend! Am I a perfect friend? No. Am I the right friend? Idk. But I care about her! I… idk if I can hurt her idk how I could possibly just walk away!

  167. YW and if you’re childfree by choice and want to join a group of awesome CF SM’s to have access to experience and advice, message me. But it’s for childfree not childless but planning to have kids.

  168. This is super toxic. The fact that your bf is using “you tried to sleep with the guy that I tried to make you sleep with” as a defense is mind boggling.

    Look, I still think you're handling this wrong and that in any healthy relationship, your actions here are questionable.

    But this is clearly not a healthy relationship. Not just before the break, but right now, today. Unhealthy. The fact that it gets worse every time you comment just makes me wonder how much deeper this goes.

    I've said it in another comment already, but this is toxic and really shouldn't continue. I guarantee you he has not changed. Love is literally a prerequisite for every single relationship you will ever have, it is NOT enough to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

  169. I know it sounds pathetic but I was all alone in a new city and she was my first friend. She acts like a den mother of an entire group that I became part of. Stepping away from her means stepping away from everyone, which I have done right now.

    Thanks for your response.

  170. Support??!! What support?? This woman wants to strip you of your emotions. She doesn't give a fuck of how you feel, you just need to put a manly face even though you are sad or struggling or something. How is that a fantastic relationship? I can understand crying to be annoying if you cry when you spill a cup of coffee or something minor like that but otherwise…?

  171. Blame him, blame yourself a favor and just move on. Dont have to worry about him beating you and not caring, as you wont be seeing him anymore..

    ps you aren't asking for advice in your post.

  172. I think your taking advantage of your husband do better figure it out.what if he wasnt around. He will get tired of this eventually and be gone. It's not fair

  173. Nope. You haven’t seen red flags because you barely know him. I’m not saying he’s not a great man, but give it at least a year or two to actually get to know him. And the biggest tell all is moving in together, that’s when you TRULY get to know your partner.

    Also, military. Of course.

  174. If he’s jerking off a lot while he’s watching porn that could be another reason he isn’t finishing.

  175. God damn, I’m exhausted just reading that.

    Look OP, here is the short version of any advice I could give you. You either need to accept that this will be your life for the rest of your days or you need to get the fucj out of dodge. There is no middle ground. There is no compromise. Therapy will not fix this.

    You can not argue a religious fundamentalist out of their beliefs. They will never compromise because to do so would destroy a core part of their identity.

    So if this isn’t how you want to spend the next four decades of your life, then there is only leaving. And if you are going to leave, you can’t do it halfway. I’m really sorry but you are in for a rough ride. If it was me I would honestly consider moving to a state far away where you won’t have to deal with all the shit you will get from the religious community he is a part of. They are going to hate you regardless of what you do, so you might as well start making choices that make you happy.

  176. Right??

    These comments are all blaming her as if she wasn’t justified (she was), and now she’s concerned he’s gone to the other extreme end—he has—and is justifiably worried.

    I swear Redditors have zero tolerance for nuance; it’s ridiculous…

  177. Yet you still chose to have children with him?

    You don’t have children then expect advancement. You choose the quality guy first.

    You could do the advancement with offloading it onto him.

    You have high expectations for a low effort guy.

  178. She may be talking like this now because she wants out of whatever situation she's in. Perhaps you should leave her for a good woman, married or not.

  179. That's truly scary behaviour by him and I can not work out why you put up with it. Get rid of him and find someone who respects you and lets you be yourself.

  180. I CANT BEKIEVE YOU DIDNT CALL THW POLICE BEFORE POSTING THIS SHIT! You will be just as evil as him if you don’t leave.

  181. It’s a he said/she said situation. So yeah, we can’t really say that he’s not lying.

    If his story is true then it is assault though. I don’t agree with trying to dismiss it because he’s physically bigger than her. Big guys can absolutely be assaulted. Particularly when they are compromised (in this case both asleep and drunk).

    This guy could have been down to cheat (bad things still happen to shitty people), but that girl didn’t know that when she started assaulting a sleeping drunk person. It’s also possible that he wants down to cheat and is feeling guilty about being physically aroused while being assaulted (which is a think rape victims sometimes struggle with).

    I’m sorry your ex was a bad person. It’s really horrible to cheat on your partner.

  182. 3 years is a long time to still be talking about an ex that frequently. Sounds like your fiancé still has resentment and hasn’t fully processed it. He definitely needs some counseling.

    On another note, don’t ever ask a question like that. Because logically, if you look at this objectively, he probably would’ve still been with her and never seen you romantically if she hadn’t cheated. A question like that IS bait – however if he’s talking about her all the time after 3 damn years then he’s got a problem.

  183. She said that the app was still installed but she never uses it … She unistalled the app in front of me after the conversation.

  184. Lmao, nevermind just online alone instead of using highschool as a pickup location for your virginal brides.

  185. She’ll probably be able to get another job, but it may not be the same type of position she’s in and if she’s hoping to climb the ranks into a more prestigious role (not sure if she works in a hospital or runs her own practice) being a SAHM will massively derail that. She would also have to keep up with her licensing and depending on how long her absense from medicine is, she may have to undergo a more complicated re-entry process. It sounds like she has a meaningful career and ambitions, and most women who go through years of medical school/interning/etc just aren’t interested in staying at home for years—and why would they be? Medicine is a field where it’s extremely easy to feel “left behind” and it’s difficult to pick up where you left off.

  186. I have one (1) longtime female friend that likes to play games like this and she’s on her second divorce. I love her, but I have to keep my distance because the drama is off the charts with her.

    I feel sorry for her, because clearly she’s just acting out the script she’s seen a thousand times over in movies, TV, and books. But it’s not how healthy relationships work and it’s why she has so much trouble keeping her relationships going.

    The other 99.99% of women I know won’t play nude to get. If they want to meet you they’ll jump on a chance to meet you, and if they stop responding you have your answer. I highly recommend everyone look to date the straightforward kind of woman.

  187. I forgot to mention when he liked a pic I liked one back LOL but nothing has happened since then. Flirting through social media is so lame

  188. You WERE very close. Letting your sister be rather severely punished because you’re too much of a coward to say that the condoms are yours is the kind of thing that damages relationships irreparably. At least she knows now that you can’t be trusted. I think it’s always better to know that about someone before you put yourself in a position to need them for anything that matters.

  189. The big issue here is the all too common misconception that when issues exist in a relationship, we should stay, because “no relationship is perfect.”

    Now, as a general statement, that's absolutely true. No relationship is perfect. The problem is, that doesn't mean you should stay in an objectively unhealthy relationship just because all relationships will experience conflict at one point or another. Context matters. In a healthy relationship, when an issue arises, they'll work as a team to find sustainable compromise and move forward.

    In unhealthy relationships, issues pop up and nothing ultimately changes for one reason or another. You're living proof of that even just using the first example alone. You say that all relationships will come with compromise. You follow that by saying you can't communicate with him honestly so you've stopped communicating with him. That's how you want to on-line forever?

    Throw in the rest of the (monumental) issues you lay out, and what are you even questioning? Love isn't enough. When you're in the right relationship, you won't be questioning these things. Good luck.

  190. It’s working for her. She pukes and OP gives her what she wants. Easy way to win an argument. OP should try giving her concern & comfort but not giving in on what you fought about. I’d be interested to know what she does then.

  191. Idk if I’d even confront him. He’s making fun of you and talking shit about your condition….he’s a piece of garbage and not worth your time. You deserve better than him.

  192. I wanna start by saying i get your point,theres nothing wrong with platonic friendship between any individuals, however, I understand how your partner came to this conclusion when you literally call another person your rock.

    Your partner should be your rock, end of.

  193. You don't sound sexually compatible. If everything else is wonderful that might not matter but at 18 you'd be crazy to settle for it.

  194. You don’t want to break up because she was assaulted. At least that’s not how your post reads. You are being continuously mistreated, your gf is mean, reckless and irresponsible.

    I wouldn’t stand 2 incidents like this, let alone multiple years. I’m sorry she got hurt but that’s not really the point here.

  195. A lot of men and women cannot handle being involved with kids that are not their own. It sounds like this relationship is not going to work out based on the fact she does not want to help raise your kid. Find a single mom or someone who wants kids in their lives

  196. We’re making the assumption that this has been discussed before. Judging by how they just communicated with each other in this scenario, I doubt it has. He could have been more forthcoming about having a rough day, she could have informed him she had a friend over and also was way out of line for saying he didn’t deserve dinner.

  197. She lied about you not being invited. Who is to say that she isn't lying about her brother's gf ? Maybe your gf is the one causing issues.

    I'd be honest and say that I have seen the message and prepare for open combat. It is 1 year and, if you guys online together, there is no reason for you to be her secret.

  198. That's a risk you run for any SO. Nearly a year is the time you should be bringing your other to events if you take them seriously as a partner.

  199. I commented on a post a long time ago about my mom dying, and received messages asking if I'd send nudes and wanting to know if sex during grief feels different than when not mourning.

    Some people are truly fucking disgusting.

  200. His heart is absolute garbage, but his act is en point.

    Don't fall for the aft. Even if he normally gives you love and affection and is only evil to others. You will become a regular victim.

  201. He didn’t say supermodel, he said she modeled in her 20’s. That could have been for anything an averagely pretty girl with the right body type might get hired for…grocery store flyers, local department store fashion shows, not necessarily Vogue magazine or a catwalk in Paris.

  202. Blows me away. She never told him she HAD kids. Only that she was pregnant which he had no way to verify because she fucking blocked him everywhere, and moved away. If I were him, I'd be incredibly pissed at OP, and she'll be lucky if HE doesn't get a lawyer

  203. OP took the brave decision to raise the kids, she found a decent man to act as a father to them and provided them with a stable home life.

    It's not as if he asked for a paternity test. He assumed she would get an abortion because that was what was convenient for him. He didn't ask whether she wanted to keep them, he didn't want to even entertain that possibility. He never tried to find her later either, once the heat of the moment had passed. OK OP blocked him but his mother found her easily so he could have done so too.

  204. Yes. 100% you should be worried about this.

    Your girlfriend was exercising alone at her preferred gym. A “gym bro” stranger started hitting on her, and she made the sensible choice to avoid additional harassment by taking his number, because he is clearly so physically fit and attractive that just giving out his number makes women’s knees weak that he is willing to give them the chance to call him. She then came home and at the first opportunity she told her boyfriend “of 5 months” what happened.

    Of course she deleted the number, but maybe you should hound her like an insecure idiot and do a deep dive in her contacts. Maybe she added it as an alternate number to CVS

  205. Men need to learn to make their “staring” about themselves and not their partners. Why marry someone who turns you off? Could you afford to get the girl with no belly fat? If you couldn’t, count your lucky starts this lady accepted you as a husband.

  206. But the thing is. We met online separated by border (US and Canada). If he wants that, he could get it within his city perhaps.

  207. Come on, bro. What are you doing?

    Get out of this bullshit relationship and find someone who actually wants you.

  208. >In these groups you can read about countless women marrying “the perfect guy” and once she is stuck with him the abuse starts.

    If you have no self esteem or self confidence to tell if a man is “a psycho”, and you're scared that every man may be abusive, get help. You need help learning how to trust, and learning how to tell if a man is psycho. Those groups are toxic.

  209. I am a very avoidant and people pleaser-based person and find it very hot to be confrontational. I originally had hopes to motivate him to succeed, however I instead am helping him be complacent as I am his only source of socialization. I do not want to discourage him or make him doubt his capabilities, and do not want to hurt him. Do you have and advice on how to speak to him or what to say? Thanks in advance

  210. “Home boy, give me the space. I need some me time and I feel like we’ve been together for 5 years and it’s only been a month.”

    And you carry on with YOU. If he gets pouty or blows up your phone or guilt trips you or does anything like that all that it’s going to do is wear you the F down and defeat you. You will change and you’ll grow to resent him more than you like/love him. He needs alone time just as much as you do and it’s not your problem to fix his problem with that. It’s only your problem to fix your problem with this.

  211. My honest opinion . . . So take it as such—an opinion.

    Babes, go home and have kids by yourself. Seriously. Don’t waste your good years waiting on him to be ‘ready’ because I promise you, you will still be waiting five years from now and you will regret it.

    Take control of YOUR life. If you want kids—have as many babies as you want.

  212. Yup, marine corps. Just got out in November. You know how it is. It’s normal in the military to be married young

  213. Haha, it does sound like this indeed. I'm relaxed and I like when everyone is enjoying the social interactions. I don't want to be a reason someone doesn't feel comfortable.

  214. You posted on relationship_advice – therefore people are going to give. you. advice. Harshly worded or not. And in this case it comes down to the fact that you need professional help dealing with your continued grief and unhealthy enmeshment with your father, because he never appointed you with the “burden” of his future care that you seemingly appointed upon yourself.

    If you just wanted to vent online, go to r/trueoffmychest or something.

  215. Well him getting a happy ending is weirdo obviously. Like I said all in your hands to decide whether you wana give this cunt another chance. Therapy may help but tbh he seems really desperate so it won’t help. Change starts within and who knows if he just mentioned it to you, who knows how many times he’s been back.

  216. How do you not know this was a huge violation? Especially in today's world where laws have been inacted?

    Anyways, i don't think being under someone actually helps not when love is still there.

    Keep yourself busy, less idle time the better. Contine your therapy and growing, mybe reach out to friends or family to spend the time with.

    It won't lesson the pain but it'll help pass the time until it doesn't hurt anymore.

  217. For a moment I thought, “yeah, 2 years is too early to buy a house together…” then I remember that me and my now husband did that exact thing. We had only been dating 2 years, but we had known each other long before that. But if he’s not ready, there’s not much you can do. I would be very disappointed after all the work you guys have already done.

  218. Todd's feelings aren't your responsibility, and you seem to be feeling resentment for having to manage his feelings, which is a choice you're making. Don't hide things from him. Just treat him like you would any friend. His feelings are his issue to work through. It's not your fault he's holding onto hope. If something comes up about it, just be kind and gentle, but firm. Keep moving forward as friends and doing your hobby. Stop trying to handle another adult's feelings for them, and just do you.

  219. That love triangle is going to turn to a full on circle.

    Prioritize your sanity and find someone who won’t play with your feelings.

  220. Since your parents are no longer part of your life, you can certainly tell your relatives about your marriage -your tradition of your parents telling them isn’t important. You have gone against so many of their traditions, what’s one more? They have been unable to adapt to western culture, and hopefully they will see how happy you are and forgive you for not following THEIR dreams but being strong and independent enough to follow your own.

  221. Is he perhaps on the spectrum? I have similar reactions to certain noises, and then some days there are things I can handle really well and some days will send me into a meltdown.

  222. I doubt someone who openly stated he would abandon a child he fathered can be “good” in any sense.

  223. I’ve told him that if the paternity test comes back saying it’s his, I don’t think it’s right that he should just forget about it, the child should have a right to know who it’s father is and I can’t see how he wouldn’t be curious about a child he fathered. But I don’t think I’ll be able to put myself through forming another bond with a child that isn’t mine.

  224. Cheating is cheating. It's not about the what it's its about her being willing to betray your trust affection and love. Her caring more about fucking someone else, and she even describes it as being exciting being kissed that was the reason she cheated not because she wanted a girl. Even if it was just about a girl she still betrayed your trust and slept with someone else. Anyone who can betray you on such a fundamental level can not be trusted in the future. She put her feeling good over the years you've spent together making a life.

  225. Sounds exhausting trying to find something to wear that nobody else might have already. Ya, I'll be the the only one looking like i just came from church.

  226. i´m a fellow comic book nerd, hence the username, but there´s a time and a place to geek out, a wedding is most certainly not the place to do a cosplay when that´s not the theme of the wedding, besides he´s old enough to know better, my advice is tell him that if he doesn´t wear regular appropriate wedding clothes then he´s not coming with you plain and simple

  227. Are you guys teenagers?

    What the heck is this Walmart? People date and have relationships all the time at work as long as there's not some type of conflict of interest. And even then it's not the end of the world.

    Dude needs to grow a pair. You are both humans, you both have feelings, you both get sexually attracted to people. And alcohol makes you not think about things before you do them so you just acted on how you felt.

  228. I've not opened it and I really don't know if I want to.

    Remember, sometimes ignorance is a bliss. You can always put it in a safe and deal with it when you are ready.

  229. He did. Also it was her eratic behaviour. She was burning bridges with a lot of people and many distanced themselves. He tried to help her, but had to remove himself for his own well being. He is in therapy now.


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