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Ditch his sorry ass and find a guy that respects your wishes.
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My bf and I have been together for 4 years. We have been looking for a house together for the last 1 year. He has a 9 year old son, and I have a 13 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. We both have our kids ~ 50% of the time. With the economy and everything, we have had a lot of trouble finding one and getting an offer actually accepted. We finally found the perfect place, put in an offer, and $15k earnest money and our offer was accepted. We were super excited, and seemed to be on track to move in.
Now, we're 1 week away from the closing, and he came to me and said that he is just not ready to move in with my family. He said he loves me, I am the person he wants to spend his life with and he wants to continue our relationship, but he can't handle more kids. So he wants to pull out of the house purchase and lose our $15k earnest money. I am so upset, in that I never pushed to on-line together until he told me he was ready, and he's now backing out.
I told him I don't know what the future holds for us now, as I have to figure out how we ever move forward from this. I am not sure how I ever trust him if he says in 2 years he's “really” ready this time to move in.
He understands why I am not happy but he keeps saying that he is being honest with me, that he'll take the hit on the money, and that while I am upset, I should understand where he is coming from. What do I do now? My gut says break up but do I throw away 4 years? Can we ever come back from this?
Just an update since there has been more comments than I could ever have imagined. I expected 5 people to read this, I was hoping to just get some good feedback and help with my head and my heart. So he has reimbursed me for the money (we split the $15k in half, so he paid my back my $7.5k). We live! in a stupid-expensive state, and unfortunately that amount of earnest $ has been par for the course. We had been living together in my house, not full time but consistently (he has a smaller house) so luckily I get to keep my house and he goes back to his.
My kids are pretty upset but I have tried to couch it in terms of us staying in the house they love. It also really hurts that I am losing his son; I had developed a good relationship with him and I really cared about him.
He called and told the loan company and the realtor today, and they are trying to figure out what happens next and our best course of action. I haven't told anyone other than like 1 friend as I am so in shock of how to say the words out loud.
I like putting it like that. His girlfriend does photography so I'm sure she's going to ask to do photos for the buisness. But I already told my youngest brother he could do the photos (Hes not coding techy but likes using his cannon camera and wants to help out). But maybe I could just tell my other brother that if he asks.. I don't want to not like her, but my parents were always fighting and arguing and I grew up around that and I'm just done with it. And my Dad was a major domestic abuser so that kind of environment causes me bad anxiety. Now that I'm grown I want to chose to be away from that. Plus she would use me to try to get back at my brother, and Idk I just felt used
No, it's not that. I tried communicating with him several times and I didn't feel this is something he's willing to give his time to
Yes, getting touchy with your gf's friend is cheating. She was in a vulnerable situation but I believe she's not a good friend either.
I don’t think blaming a woman for her choice in men is the way to go here bud. Maybe blame the dude for being despicable.
It should have been sooner, but congratulations on finally arriving at your moment of truth.
How is he sleeping in the same bed with you while he has a girlfriend?? I'm sorry, but there's plenty of guilt on his side too here. Everyone is so quick to blame you for not “shooting your shot” or whatever but he was clearly leading you on. He clearly has no respect for his relationship if he's showing up at your door and hugging you. Throw the whole man away.
Ross and Rachel
He's not into you.
Thank you so much, I'll do what I can! ^
I'll update you in a few days if you like?
Sorry I wouldn’t want to be with a stinky boy. You may not think you smell but its still possible you do. Also greasy skin and hair is definitely unattractive. Showering daily can be the goal. Its my night time routine to shower and take the day off. It will probably help your mental health too. My ex hardly showered and id hate his face being near my bc it was greasy and gross. That and you can’t forget, if you’re not showering you have an unwashed ass…
I’d bail, but how much are we talkin?
Its your relationship so your call. Whats forgivable for one person isn’t to for another. Only you can decide that.
Very well put. Thank you for the advice.
Your former girlfriend's behavior at the party, far from amounting to making “innocent sexual comments” was extremely rude and inappropriate to the dinner guests and disrespectful of your privacy. How awkward for the others to meet this woman for the first time and have her exhibitionism inflicted on them! Her behavior was extremely impolite. On some level, I suspect the raunchy comments were a way for her to mark her territory: you. You had every right to express displeasure, and she owed you an apology and a promise not to do it again.
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will start brushing in the mornings too
He didn't brush in the mornings? hahahahaha WHAT COULD GO WRONG, right?
You're a trooper, OP.
“If he doesn’t want to marry, then why should I bear some sort of responsibility regarding his children?”
You shouldn't. He's being unreasonable.
OP that's not “small”!! Tell your boyfriend exactly what is going on and be careful. Don't be in a situation like that with him again.
Good luck
She “accidentally” went into your room and looked at your private stuff?
She sounds suss herself.
That's why you block her on everything social and move on with your life. Don't let her guilt trip you in getting back together. You broke up for a reason.
She’s approaching you because you had a magical night but she, for whatever reason, wasn’t ready. She has kept tabs on you and provided some nice support. If you like her, go for it. Talk. Ask why she backed away. You really have nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain. It’s not often that you lose track of time while walking and holding hands. Give this one a second chance.
She’s either lying to you, and it’s her account, or she’s okay lying to everyone else, and having her friend send nudes.
Neither option is good for a relationship.
So end it.
In case you’re wondering why you’re being downvoted—I think you were attempting to say “why can’t they each date people their own age,” but your wording leaves a lot to be desired.
Besides the fact it would benefit us financially and medically. I want to marry him because i love him it’s as simple as that. He is my best friend and i can see my whole future with him. I want to grow with my husband and learn and travel with my husband. I’m not trying to get married right this second but i did expect us to get married before 6 years.
Do not start a family with this woman. She is toxic and you deserve so much better
Do not start a family with this woman. She is toxic and you deserve so much better
No.
But like, also wtf is/was going on?! Right?
Like if she'd confessed it'd just have been a funny 'Hey remember when…' story. No big deal. But the lie got more convoluted and I started to wonder if there was other historical lies I never caught? I can't think of any that stand out but, but what if everything is in doubt now?! My mind just went running off into Possibility Land.
What should I do? Do I pull back, ask him out again, or do something else?
You left off the only and best answer. TALK TO HIM! You did a great job explaining it here, so get together, open your mouth, and let the words flow. You'll drive yourself nuts listening to what friends say, or second guessing every gesture.
I'm glad you decided to tell her the truth.
Maybe you could allow her to stay in your life as a friend – you can't have enough of those, you know, especially in the situation you're in.
Responsability and burdens would be lessened, if she's on the same level as your other friends.
I think it might also give her a way to deal with the grief she'll experience, if she chooses to.
I agree with this. When I read her comment, I didn’t read it as her being worried about rape, I read it as her not wanting to put herself into a place where she feels obligated to do stuff she doesn’t want to (because her excuse/reason for not doing it is gone).
Both problematic, but as someone who had three babies and a major decrease in sex drive at the time, that’s exactly what I think it is.
Don’t make excuses for stupid people
Have you ever just texted him to tell him it’s over and them blocked him everywhere? Ideally you wouldn’t need to do it that way but in this situation that’s the only way. You may also want to proactively tell him to not try and contact you anymore or you will go to the police. It isn’t “mean” to be firm with a guy like this. Yes, he will play it off like you’re overreacting but the nice thing is if you have him blocked there’s nothing he can do about it. And then you can move on with your life.
If I’m reading this right he broke it off because you moved away. And he started dating someone else. Is this person local to him? Perhaps it’s not their looks that are more attractive to him but their location.
I think the appropriate answer is if she is going to go on an extended vacation with no firm plan to return, she isn't going to pay for it with joint marital assets. Talk to a lawyer and lock that shit down, formalize a separation. She doesn't get to drain your joint savings to leave you just waiting and wondering if she'll come back, while expecting you to wait for her. She's flat out telling you she's leaving you with no plans to return.
It's great he's honest about his thoughts, but his thoughts are why they're in this mess. He wants to sleep with other people. He's not bothered by OP doing the same. For many, that's relationship-ending.
Your H actually went to you about feeling restless
No, he went to her about opening up the marriage. Completely different thing.
I’m not for doing thing you don’t love in a power imbalance. Only you can really tell if that’s what this is, but I will never play with my husband and his bf. They are generally ok at life but gaming turns them in maniacs.
I've come close to cutting off my dad, and by association, my mom, for nearly the exact reason's OP is alluding to. We're Eastern Europeans immigrants. I'm liberal. My dad is conservative. He needs to be right and he needs everyone to believe he's right. No respect for boundaries. Verbal, mental, and emotional abuse (though no actual physical violence). All that fun stuff.
I would've cut off anyone else for one tenth of the things he put me through “but this is my dad”. I still can't say if I would've been better off doing it even if things are much different now.
OP, your child likely valued you two more than any other people in the world for a long long time. Just imagine for one second how much hurt you must've caused him to override that. You won't since you didn't even finish the message but you really should.
I'm barely older than you but you sound like a child.
The advice is that you're being childish. Yea the advice is to get over it. It's not fair to build resentment because she used to do things in her other relationships. That's not the relationship you two have. Sure, break up with her but honestly you'd just do her a favor.
This is entirely a you problem. Not a relationship problem unfortunately.
I guess whats the underlying question here? Let’s recap your post, shall we?
Your wife lacks ambition and is unemployed. This has been an ongoing issue in your relationship but you married her anyway and then had a child 3 years ago.
You work an unfulfilling (what seems to be) contracted role that’s ending soon and you need to plan to have some sort of income and / or plan when it ends.
You are filled with wide-eyed hopes of being SOME SORT of business owner be it in digital marketing or owning a pizza joint.
Your wife is negative and / or unsupportive of your lofty dreams / goals, BUT you readily admit you have the “it’s shiny” attention span, you have “a few” well thought out business ideas. It seems that you would like to spend 2 – 3 months between this gig and the next to see if you can get your business off the ground.
All of this while seemingly planning to have a 2nd?!
Hopefully that about summarizes it.
The reality is, starting a business is easy. What is difficult is actually generating the revenue needed to sustain the business AND having an actual take home pay. Here’s my advice and takeaway:
Your wife may not be unsupportive, maybe she has heard your thousands of “dreams” before and can’t really take you seriously anymore.
Start looking for a new job. Most people that start businesses do so WHILE working a FT job. So if you have to be up until 2am, so be it.
Put together a REAL business plan. Not just have some ideas.
Don’t have another kid if your goal is to start a business as a STABLE income becomes that much more important.
Be serious so you can actually have a serious confusion your wife
That’s would be a dealbreaker for me. I meet a girl at a friends birthday party back in the day, we had chemistry and it was going well. I had just graduated college and she was finishing her senior year. My friend pulled me aside and mentioned he had seen us and he should let me know she got herpes from her last boyfriend (why they broke up). It instantly killed the vibe for me. In retrospect it wasn’t his place to tell me her business, but at the time I saw it as him looking out for me.
Ok then I will apologize to her
Um, fucking excuse me!?!?…he had a traumatic accident that has reduced the size of his penis, and is bad about talking about his feelings, and you're asking if he's not interested in sex because of you and focusing on sex!?
My god…of course it isn't just about you. Holy fucking shit, this is as bad as the posts we get in here of men who ask who to get their wife to have more sex with them, while detailing out her serious mental health or ppd issues, and then going “what about meeeee”.
Obviously he is traumatized. How on earth could he not be? And it's having a huge impact on being intimate with his wife, which is making things worse, and she's constantly pressing him to do what he is not comfortable doing.
Dude needs therapy to work through this at his own pace, and you need to lay off the sexual pressure. And if that means divorce, then so be it, because he needs support right now, not all of what you're doing.
And fwiw, I say this as a woman who had a deeply traumatic labour, and physical trauma and changes to my vulva as a result. If my partner had ever pushed me for sex, it would have shoved me miles back into my trauma bubble.
Of course he keeps telling you he'll try. He seems to want to based on what you're saying. But trying to you, and trying to him, are probably quite different.
I dont think having kids is a compelling reason.