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  1. It's really easy for other people to say “just leave” when they read a couple paragraphs on the relationship, without really knowing either of you or your situation. I suggest couples therapy. No one is perfect and people grow.

  2. You’re not blowing this out of proportion. Please proceed. Stand your ground. If you forgive her again, you’re just postponing the inevitable.

  3. If you think marriage is expensive just wait until you experience divorce. Getting into marriage is cheap. Getting out is financial ruin. It'll set a man back 10-20 years.

  4. I agree as I’m a Counselor and sounds like she gets anxious and paranoid and starts to have panic attacks. It could be caused by an past trauma experience. She should develop positive thinking and coping strategies to deal with the negative emotions.

  5. OP, this man needs consequences. You’ve told him time and time again to not act like this, to the point that he is throwing things and having these outbursts in front of the children. You need to consult a divorce attorney. This is abuse. The stress he is under doesn’t matter. You’re being effected, as are the children. How long until he further escalates? Separate until he gets his shit together and unlearns his toxic behavior. He says he “just can’t stand [you]” and destroys things in the house. How long until he harms you, OP?

  6. Irrelevant to the post maybe, but let’s not exaggerate. The 5% chance is per cycle or 50% in a year. Complications really don’t increase drastically at 35.

  7. I don't give a fuck anymore, I don't have to defend myself. Deal with it however you want. It's my gender identity and my sexual preference. Be straightphobic all you want, babes. Later.

  8. Talk to him, ask him why he said it, and mention that it upset you. Also if you get the chance, ask him if he still feels something for his ex.

    He's a male. As someone who's also a male I can confidently assert that sometimes we say some dumb fucking shit that we don't realise the consequences of later. It's worth at least exploring this avenue before you heed the advice of the perpetual shriekers on here who seem to fail to grasp the idea that relationship problems are solvable and that there's no such thing as a perfect person

  9. That’s what I’m scared of. I’d have to be anonymous because even at my age (28) I think I would black out if someone told me this! I’ve blacked out for less. He watches her children while she’s at work..I’m just trying to figure out timing and getting her schedule without being obvious.

    I don’t want him to find out while he’s alone with her, or her children.

  10. Your Justified in coming up with your own conclusion/decisions but if we’re being frank there are a lot of women on Snapchat on the prowl for young guys in particular for “premium “”

  11. I truly think you’re saying it from a place of confusion and you’re not trying to be arrogant but you need to start off with first realizing you still are straight and your girlfriend is a woman. Having the mindset that genitalia equals a persons identity isn’t how it works. A person is what they identify as and your girlfriend is a woman.

    I do think what your girlfriend did was wrong, I can see not saying it immediately but once you two became serious this is a conversation the two of you should of had, WAY before getting anywhere near the bedroom. I think she is probably coming from a place of past rejection and possible judgement even with having a connection with someone. It doesn’t make it right and keeping a secret is very much a reason to not want to move forward but if you are seriously in love with her, this issue shouldn’t be what causes you to end things with her. Especially since you don’t seem to be hung up on the lying part but more so just her anatomy.

    At the end of the day it’s a tricky situation but I think regardless you both should sit down and have a long talk about your feelings and you should also evaluate in yourself some of the feelings you’re having regarding this situation. Hoping the best for the two of you.

  12. 23 is really young. You have sooo much time.

    If you choose to lose weight, it should be for yourself, not to please others. People come in all shapes and sizes, and people’s preferences are just a varied. Tons of people prefer heavier women.

    You need to appreciate yourself. Love yourself. Care for yourself.

    You say you don’t know what you’re doing wrong but you don’t tell us what you’re doing, so it’s very hot to provide any advice here. Are you actively seeking out dates? Are you trying to meet new people?

  13. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.

    This has been going for a while (about 3 years) we’ve been together for 4. If he had the choice of sex vs masterbating, he would choose the latter. He does this edging thing where he spends about 1-2 hours wanking. If I come near him, like into the room or shout him for dinner – he’ll scream at me to go away.

    Is there something I can do when he does shout at me? Or should I just leave him alone?

    TL;DR – boyfriend wanks instead of doing stuff with me, how do I make him stop?

  14. u/throwingfishaway, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.

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  15. You need to be in therapy from your upbringing. You come from a broken home and you definitely have unresolved issues there. Finding a therapist could help you tremendously with your past. Not every therapist is a good fit. Might take a few to find the right one.

    She has hygiene based OCD but she has a dog that drools everywhere. I have many questions on how she’s okay with that but wants showers after going out. She has a big blind spot for her dog.

    If you value your free time that’s okay. If you have kids what’s the minimum amount of time you want for yourself per day? Do you get done work early or late. Would you have free time when they’re at school or daycare? You can fit free time in, it just depends on the schedule they have.

    She likes to visit her family. How often does she visit. Will she want to visit less if you have kids of your own.

    You both might benefit for couples counseling. She might get offended if you don’t bring it up in the right way. You have some hurdles but they seem small if you both work together and compromise. Marriage is about communication and compromise. You’re a team. Your relationship can get better, but compromise needs to happen from both of you.

  16. She's being selfish and not liking to masturbate is such a weird thing, not saying this should be a priority, but to forbid you? Dating you gives her no right over your body autonomy, if you want to express “self-love” you should be able to.

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  18. It is entirely your decision whether to keep the pregnancy or not. But it is also entirely his decision whether he wants to bring up a child. You'll almost certainly be entitled to financial child support from him – and the courts will order that – but neither you or the courts can order him to be a dad.

    So you definitely have a choice: are you okay with being a single parent, or not?

    Whatever you decide on that front (and I absolutely wouldn't try and sway you one way or the other), this relationship is probably not going to work for either of you in the long run. If you feel you've been pressured into abortion, then you'll invariably hold resentment against him in the future, and that's not a great building block for a long term relationship.

    In future, try and have the 'what happens if…' discussion early on in the relationship, so you both know where you stand if something does go wrong with contraception etc.

  19. Trust comes from repeatedly acting in a way that’s consistent with what you have said. Locking yourself in a small space with a guy who has his dick out is not consistent with being in an exclusive relationship.

    Ask her if she trusts you. She’ll say yes. Ask her how she would feel if you suddenly started staying out late and got protective about your phone. Or started locking yourself in with very hot women. She would worry, and rightly so, because it’s behavior that isn’t consistent with being in an exclusive relationship.

  20. Not to be that person, but you both ATA here. You provoked a response willingly, and he chose the wrong response. You pursued the argument after he walked away and tried to isolate (the wrong thing to do) and he again chose the wrong response. Now you're blaming him when you both should be apologizing to eachother.

    Don't corner an angry dog then yell at it when it bitesq you. Don't provoke a calm dog to create the atmosphere where a negative response is liable to happen.

    You both need to sit down and calmly talk this through without provoking or blaming. You're both at fault, and you both have issues that might require couples counseling.

  21. You think this dude is being unreasonable while you suggest her storing her dirty toilet paper to be taken out with the trash.

  22. If you were “head over heals (sic)” for her then clearly your feelings weren't reciprocated (because she was never heads over heels for you). It's just really tough to go from platonic friend to romantic partner and that would be especially true if she'd allowed herself to be as vulnerable with you as you describe. Dating by definition involves some hint of mystery and you never want to overload someone you're dating with a bunch of mental/emotional health drama. Her mistake was in having sex with you. But if she truly has BPD she doesn't always make the best decisions. One of the hallmarks of BPD is that you sometimes blur the lines and struggle with relationship boundaries. But for you going forward, know that when someone is willing to lean as heavily on you as this person did it's usually a friend situation because few would let all their stuff hang out like that in front of someone they wanted to date.

  23. Yeah but it’s nice that we’re the ones having a one time thing for once I’ve been cheated on twice so I get how both ends feel and I really love her

  24. I would like to point out that bisexuals exist. Also, going to a strip club is different from dating or having sex with other people.

    This is worth a discussion, but you're about five steps past where the evidence leads. In your position, I'd say something like “There's not fifty reasons to search for gay strip clubs. Please explain what's going on”

  25. I assume there are some activity in the network (the things he tried to show you) which either are something up with or he doesn't understand. Best case scenario he is just paranoid and a IT security firm could explain what the things he sees really is and educate you both. worst case scenario it is really something weird going on and they can help to secure your network and home devices, protect you and educate you both.

  26. Maybe do I need to agreed with him more often even when I really don't want to ?

    Nope, that's not how you should deal with the situation, especially because it's painful for you. Even if it wasn't, that's a big nope and a serious ?

    You need to take a breath and think if the relationship is worth. It doesn't seem to be looking from the outside. But that's something you need to decide.

  27. This is completely fair. Everything makes sense, but I would like to clarify two things.

    I do not have 12 water bottles in my room. I thought, (though this is the second time this mistake has been made, so I must not have written it properly) that I wrote that over 12 times the water bottle by my bedside has been taken. I do not have 12 water bottles in my room. That is unsanitary and unnecessary.

    I do do my laundry. My bin was less than a third full. If I ran the machine with this little clothing, I would get a talking to for wasting water.

  28. Not going to lie, it looks suspect. Emotional cheating exists. Why wouldn’t you mention it? Why didn’t you tell her what you talk about if it’s innocent? If you aren’t doing anything wrong then you shouldn’t have any issue talking about it.

  29. so why not find something better with a different person? What is it about this person in particular, as they are now (ie. NOT who they could potentially be, if they changed into a completely different person) that makes you want to stay?

  30. You're not TA in this, she is. She doesn't get a free pass as she “can't control her tongue” and if she does? Well then say you can't control yours and see how quickly they set a double standard.

    Youre right, she wouldn't let up and she wasn't joking because you know why? A joke is a joke only if folks find it funny and it's not consistently aimed at just you. It was, it was relentless and you didn't appear to laugh or find it funny.

    Don't you dare apologise and stop trying to, if your friends are all behind her you need new friends who aren't going to cover for someone who is a shit feminist and a terrible friend that would rather gaslight you for being upset than do the decent thing.

  31. You are never required to give ENM/Poly/open relationships “a go” for the sake of your partner. Don't do it if you aren't both 100% enthusiastic about the idea.

  32. Maybe you are just the type of person that likes to control the relationship, or you were cheated/ really hurt before by a partner so you now you subconsciously picked someone you think cant do the same. Or maybe, like alot of partners, you say the thing that you think will hurt your partner the most just so you can win an argument. Like, saying they have a small dick to guys that are very self centered about their dick size or saying they are short if their insecurity is about height.

  33. don’t worry, it’s legal in my country 🙂 Is that correct if i ask him to pay half of the rent or expenses but he doesn’t have the keys ? Or do i need to tell my parents so i can give him the keys ?

  34. I feel bad for any person that you pressure into doing something sexually or otherwise that they do not want. Please do not date anyone ever.

  35. We have talked about our previous sex lives, I’ve had a threesome in the past but it was with people I didn’t have any emotional connection with and it was just sex, I would never want to have a threesome with someone I actually care about. That’s why she was shocked.

  36. While it's a good thing to discuss such things with someone you're dating, this does sound like she's not just stating it, but more like she's giving you broad hints that she's ready to take it to the next level…and fast. I wonder if her student visa is getting ready to expire.

    Be careful that she doesn't try to trap you in an unwanted marriage or with an unwanted/untimed pregnancy. It seems like that might be her ultimate goal here.

  37. If I had a nickel for every person who thought that they could prevent a break up by loving the other person more, I’d have drowned in an ocean of nickels.

    If he’s going to cheat on you, there’s nothing you can do to make him not cheat. If there were a potion, lotion, or motion that could keep wandering eyes focused, we wouldn’t have the Blues, and we wouldn’t have cheaters.

    But here we are, John Lee Hooker and all.

    There’s nothing you can do to keep a man who’s not going to stay. Either accept that you’re with a cheater and stay, or keep it moving and live life for your child and yourself. You cannot earn him, control him, trap him or leash him.

  38. So you don’t give a fuck about your bfs or his friends feelings, only your own feelings of insecurity. Got it. He had feelings for her YEARS ago. Long before you ever came into the picture. Yet here you are, in the picture. Grow up and mature your emotional intelligence or maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

  39. You sound heartless and I feel bad for him. His mother raised him well. She deserves it for that alone. While you wait for your ‘basic life’ parents to die so you get the inheritance – which they could have spent by now but I am sure you convinced them it’s not a good time to sell or something

  40. Its a tricky situation. She did volunteer the information, but it is unclear how long she waited before doing so. In the spirit of transparency it is a good idea to ensure partners are aware of any sexual history with friends that they are expected to spend time with. The longer it is hidden, the more of an issue it can be.

    Perhaps a bigger problem is not only did she warn him you now knew, he decided to make this a bigger issue by being a prat about it, indicating at best a tone deaf streak that could be a problem if he learns more sensitive things in future, or at worst a dislike of you that could be seen as competition based.

    With their history being muddled, it makes objective support from him that doesnt invade your relationship space quite unlikely. Any issues will prompt silly leg breaking type comments (see comments elsewhere in this thread) that only escalate issues and show an unhealthy amount of interest.

    It stands to be a lot of drama. Are you on board for that?

  41. You’re a psychopath, get help if you think this is her fault. She has been physically and emotionally abused for 14 years.

  42. This advice is pretty useless considering his problem is that his wife isn't taking the issue seriously. You can't have “us vs the problem” when his wife is part of the problem. She's completely dismissing his feelings and trying to ignore the very real consequences of how people are treating her husband.

    There are a lot of things that she can do to help counteract gossip, but she refuses to do anything because it doesn't affect her. She's the one who gets doted on by concerned outsiders and everyone is treating her better because they want her to know that she has their support.

  43. I blame her for brushing off your feelings and saying things like telling you to toughen up. Situations are the hardest when you don't have someone supporting you and sometimes supporting someone is as easy as believing them when you tell them something is nude and is impacting you in a really bad way. She's not doing that.

    I would highly suggest couples counseling and maybe some individual therapy.

  44. Nah your parents are f-ing stupid. Apologize to your Bf and stop making excuses for bad behavior. “CuLtUrE” is dumb

  45. Even if she just liked the guy and he never gave her the time of day you shouldn't have given him your number. Sister code number one. It's just trifling.

  46. Someone with a career in an industry? Where their reputation can proceed them? To be blunt, those folks usually get screened out before something like this.

    The only “immature” people I know that have done anything like this in corporate America ultimately were treated for mental health disorders. Perceived Immaturity tends to be a symptom of a personality disorders.

  47. In the show “The Maid” this is depicted: the man, rather than accept consequences (pregnancy) for his actions, resented her for getting pregnant and crushing his dreams. That is when his true colors came out.

    When you dated him, that relationship didn’t conflict with his life view so he would act loving. When he started fooling around with your sister, he probably was equally loving because that affair made him feel young and adventurous. He did cheat on you, so your family KNEW he was (at the very least) disrespectful. Then she got pregnant and want to keep the baby. He no longer felt adventurous, in his world view having a baby is the end of free life. That’s the trigger. It is not your sister’s fault, his behavior is his fault.

    Your mother and sister are horrible people and you don’t need them in your life. Your dad better speak up his view because if he supports your mom on this stupid “redirected blame game” he is out too.

  48. You need to grow a back bone my dude. She doesn't respect you. She's still being shady. You've only taught her that she can get away with it and that she just needs to be more careful. She sucks.

  49. I'd say it's not unreasonable to ask, it's unreasonable to push if the answer is no. He didn't push, he broke up with her because this isn't something he's willing to compromise on, which is fair enough imo because its more of a compatability issue.

  50. Wait so you’re taking a trip with someone you’ve barely gotten to know? Or he’s coming to see you where you are and you’re planning it?

    Either way- just be honest with him.

    Im the planner in my relationship but my bf still gives his input. He loathes having to work out the details like flights, hotels, etc. and I don’t mind so I just do it. But he knows I don’t like to do it all alone so I usually make a quick doc with all the options and ask what he thinks is best and then I handle the logistics. So you could try that. Or just say you don’t mind planning but you’d at least like to be in the same room in case there’s something you need help deciding on.

    Usually people don’t take trips together until they really know some of these things about each other but doesn’t make it bad. Just means there’s maybe more learning for you both

  51. I’m confused about something….

    If you have been friends with him for ten years, why did you need to catfish him in order to talk to him?

    It doesn’t make sense. You should know him really well if y’all have been friends that long.

  52. If his last relationship was also LDR, does that mean he just keeps moving across the country, waits until his last relationship dies out and then starts a new one only to repeat the process? Because that is what it sounds like to me.

  53. “I will won't do it again.” is the eternal abusers story.

    Don't believe her.

    She deep down thinks she is entiteled to slap you whenever she feels like it.

    Probably family history/ once mistreated child herself.

    This is stuck pretty deep within her. And if you asked she would say: “You made her do it, because you were so….”

    Where there is no such thing as a reason to even hit a partner.

    Try to find a group of men in the same situation. There must be a few.

    Men being hit by their wives involves much shame and not daring to speak up pilublicly. Or get help.

    But there is help.

    You should leave. And consider getting full custody over the kids.

    I know you would swear she never hit the kids. But there is no other being really sure of this than taking the kids with you.

  54. It hurts me the first time, but I was also pretty young. Most of my friends in high school as well. How is it misogynistic that it often hurts the first time? It obviously hurts her or she wouldn't stop.

  55. Well that’s what bothers me. I was literally ‘just a bit of fun to her’. Makes me feel like some sort of human dildo

  56. OP, this situation is deeply toxic. I have been in a similar relationship, and without him working on himself it will not get better. It’s not healthy for you, and his violent reactions will only escalate. Please consider choosing your own wellbeing over these unhealthy repeating patterns.

  57. Time to screenshot every threat and message. Pack some bags with important things, stay at a friend or family members house if possible. Even stay at a hotel if you need to and contact the police after you're out of your home. If he threatens you for wanting to tell and you cannot trust that he won't attack you either way.

  58. Exes are exes for a reason, focus on the fact that he’s not with her and he’s with you and quit comparing yourself to others because you will feel inadequate when you do that.

  59. Okay look if he's your favorite person then what's the problem? The fact is, he won't change. He won't, therapy won't help – he's an abusive man and that will not stop or be fixed. Therapy does not make abusers less abusive, it makes them more crafty with their abuse.

    But if he's your favorite person and you think the relationship is so perfect, what's the issue here? Stay with him. Being abused is the price of admission to be in this perfect relationship. It just is. There are two options: you are either willing to pay this price, or you are not. Then the only option is to leave. Those are your options, realistically, and you get to pick. If “he's mostly not an awful person, he's your favorite person” then pick number one. You can! You are a free woman. Just accept that the option of “he changes” is not an actual option, that will not happen. It's only those two.

  60. The difference between being an anesthesiologist and not is only a casual $500k probably, no biggie?


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