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With respect, Anecdotes from the internet are not equivalent to scientific data. If she wants to fix this, she needs to find a PCP and/or specialist who takes her concerns seriously and helps her chase down every possible medically available option.
I also think you guys should explore the possibility that she doesn’t have PSSD. I’m suggesting this not because I don’t believe her — and I have personal experience with being not believed by medical providers — but because the symptoms you are describing strongly sound like depression.
Finally, please please please stop putting any pressure on her about having kids. She’s not in a good headspace to think about having kids, but more importantly, she knows she doesn’t want to have kids. Trying to change her mind is, at a minimum, really pushy and at a max not respect her boundaries or autonomy as a human.
In case you aren’t aware of this already, because of the difference in how men and women are socialized throughout their lives, women often have lots more experience with taking care of children, which gives them a more realistic (and frankly depressing) view on what being a parent can be like. When a woman says she doesn’t want to have kids, you need to believe her.
If you are sure you want kids, you need to respect her desire to not have them and break up with her. Otherwise, your other option is to decide you want to be with her more than you want to have kids, and then you stay with her and completely quash your hopes of having children.
I wish you luck in your journey.
Always “have the balls”. Honestly I’ll be real with u & I’m anonymous on here so I can say it
My wife did something similar last year as a joke. I made it clear to her if there’s ever any type of hint of that type of talk again I’m divorcing her on the spot. Meaning if I even suspected she want that we would split.
Fair enough, and I’m sorry if I came off mean here.
You have to assume he’s attracted to you. If not, he wouldn’t be with you. Attraction isn’t black and white. He can be attracted to you while also having different preferences in what he might find “ideal.” I think if you’re honest with yourself, so do you.
But there’s a fundamental difference between settling and genuinely being happy with a situation despite it not being what one might consider “perfect.” That’s what needs to be figured out.
I’d have said you’re overthinking things if not for him jumping to the thought and making the comparison. You’re not crazy to be questioning this. But again, he’s been with you for a while. So the first answer is to talk about it and figure out the deal.
“…I couldn’t handle more than every 4 months.” That’s a little concerning on your end. 3 times a year is really not a lot.
Nah bro he's just thinking about an art room ??
Thank you. He’s in the anger phase right now calling me names and sending rude texts. His mum called to confirm he’s at their house now.
I just………. Idk…..I wonder if she has always been this way and she is just showing her true self
Be firm and tell her that it's not something that you are into and that you have serious reservations about . Tell her that there are some things that you are just unwilling to do, and that's final, OR do you want to start something that she's really into and will want to repeat again. Some doors should be left shut…. Literally
Yes, skip it.
I'd focus on the fact that your new partner is incredible compared to your last. Tell him about your anxieties with being left on read for a long period of time, and hopefully, he'll endeavour to never do that to you. Waiting a few hours or until the end of the working day should be expected if someone is busy, but a whole week by your ex is completely unnecessary.
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Did you send the pictures?
I'm NEVER one to go in for violence in any way, but this dude would catch my hands in a verbal beating he's never seen coming like a fucking attitude adjustment John Cena style.
You're the mom of three children that's a fucking round the clock job and you're also working in retail! This is more than some people can handle without the children in between.
If I were you, this would cause a HUGE rift between me and the SO. As soon as you're alone with him, get him and get him good. Call him out on HIS pathetic ass. JFC
So, say what?
Dude, really? Two hours is too late to comment on a public thread on Reddit? Great come back… I feel totally dunked on?
Are you sure he doesn’t just see you as a casual hookup?
The best thing for you to do is stay out of it. You risk your own relationship with your sister if you push like your dad wants. It’s up to him to mend fences if that’s what he wants. He broke it, he needs to fix it.
And the gear that could walk on it's own if it wasn't securely zipped up in the bag!
Please read the next sentence as many times as needed for you to accept that it is 100% true:
YOUR past isnt stopping your relationship. Your bf’s inability to accept your past is.
Many posts are shared here where one person in a couple (usually the guy) cant accept X about their partner’s past, and the other partner thinks they have to twist themselves into a pretzel to be “accepeted”. You dont!
I gently suggest you break up/move on and he can find someone who has a perfectly perfect acceptable past, to him, that he can “move forward” with.
Good luck, I hope things work out how you want them to.
Talk to a domestic violence shelter and see if they can help with the abortion.
I know as i've struggled with depression and anxiety myself for most of my life And so has she, but after a lot of bad experiences with private therapists she has refused to go see any therapists. And most meds have shown massive side effects with her I can't blame her because therapy in our country kinda sucks, private shrinks make you pay out the ass for a 30 min session , while the ones in the public sector are so overworked they can't rly commit to a long therapy plan so they just hear you out for a good amount of time then give you some meds then check up on you every couple of weeks. This forced me to learn to rewire my brain and process my trauma by myself ( dr k of healthy gamer was a massive help) but despite what i've learned i couldn't really help because almost every convo about her problems/ feelings devolves i to a fight because she tends to lash out when she's hurt or angry while i have almost no tolerance for that
I suppose so. It's always better for spouses to be honest with one another, it would be good if they had a relationship where the wife is able to say “Oh yeah I changed my mind, I don't think we should be whooping him any more”. So I guess that could be looked into.
Yeah , though he wasn't telling me what to do, he was just giving advice on what he thinks would be better based on the fact we own the house and have pets. Anyways, I think I'll take my shit and leave. I know we had big problems, but he is just torturing me emotionally. I just saw him chatting on a dating app and smile like if he were in love. I feel like he was just looking for excuses to end the relationship so he could be free.
I completely understand the dental phobia/fear. I really do. I just want what's best for him and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do to take care of yourself. (I have a SERIOUS fear of needles, but I still get bloodwork done to make sure I'm healthy). And he knows I'm willing to pick up the bill for everything.
Absolutely, it’ll slowly increase in severity until the point you’ve reached full blown blatant abuse wondering how the f you got there
That was my thought.
Also, the person who described it as cringe face — did they, uh, see it?
Any time my partner says something negative about his body, my ONLY response is, “You're gorgeous.” It's very easy.
Ask him if that means you can blow your friends sometimes. You know, just as a favor
Ouch. That is hard.
I hope that they are getting help with their trauma so that they do not have a repeating patern of this type of experience.
You are doing what you can in giving them space if that is what they've requested of you. But it is not your fault that they tripped over a “land mine” left by a previously abusive relationship. Their friend was way out of line going off on you. But just because you did not intend harm, does not mean that harm may not have been experienced. Which sucks.
Those of us who have trauma must be responsible for addressing it. We must communicate with our partners as we discover what brings up our trauma responses. No one's a mind reader. Sometimes, sadly , we find out what our trauma responses are by tripping over them. And that sucks so much.
But when we do find them ,we need to communicate with our partners about what is happening and what it looks like, if we know beforehand, when we're in distress. For instance, I'll get quiet and go fetal when in distress. I let my partners known this.
We should not place blame on our current partners for our previous experiences. Especially if we shut down and are incapable of voicing our needs in the moment. If shutdown is a response we experience, it's a really good idea to negotiate with our partners before sex of any sort takes place. This is not foreplay either – a clear non-charged discussion of our needs is important. Because you have a history of being sexually assaulted – that will give you a reason to do this yourself on your own behalf. Doing so may make an opportunity for them to share with you as well.
It is not your fault that this happened. You did not abuse them – you did not assault them. They did not communicate with you that there was anything wrong until after the fact. At which point it is incredibly difficult for you to do anything to help them, except to be supportive of them and follow their lead on what they need.
There are so many people with sexual and relationship trauma- as a survivor yourself, I'd advise that you let your partners know that you do have a history of having been sexually assaulted, and disclose to partners if you know what may cause you to experince difficulties.
As an example, I tell partners that I've a history of sexual as a asault, rape and incest. I've done a lot of work to get to a place where i am not overly burdened by these experiences.. but to please do a few things for me:
No oscillating fans. 2. I do not tuck in sheets at the bottom of the bed. If this is a must for them, we will need to arrange to sleep separately. 3. Say my name if I seem slow to respond or appear to be less than fully present. 3. If I flinch, please check in with me verbally. 4. I am always happy to give verbal or hand signals. 5. My favorite word is yes. If a partner says yes to me, I will endavourto continue doing whatever I'm doing, the same way I'm doing it, for as long as I am told yes. If i say yes- then all is well. Please keep doing that! 6. If I am in distress of any sort- and i am having difficulty being verbal for whatever reason. I will tap rapidly with my hands or feet on them, or any available surface (the bed, wall, or whatever) Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap! This means I need to check in. Now.
I don't need to do a deep dive into my previous trauma- in fact I really don't want to as a lead up to interacting sexually. But I find feeling safe and cared for by my partners and making sure they know how to show care for me is very freeing.
You may want to consider finding a therapist who can help you make decisions on how to address the circumstances you find yourself in, your feelings of guilt, and to help you find a path forward, so that you can at least attempt to have some sort of resolution so that you can both engage socially with your mutual support network. They may also be able to help you navigate moving forward as far as how to address this socially amongst your friend group as well. Hope some of this helps.
If it’s not a fuck yes it’s a no. He’s not a bad person for setting out his qualms but you also don’t need to stick around for it.
I'm curious how he came to be diagnosed (he needed to have been diagnosed with conduct disorder during childhood, although I suppose if there's documentation and corroborating information, CD could be diagnosed retroactively) and who it was who told him and under what conditions.
More important, though, is what he's doing to address it.
My single most important red flag isn't that he has or might have antisocial personality disorder, it's that he used that as a “gotcha” and to shut down mom. At least as conveyed here, he used it as an excuse and presented it as a sufficient and apparently unchangeable fact.
If he believes this is who he is and that it can't change and that it explains/justifies/excuses his hurtful, harmful, dangerous, whatever behavior… He's dangerous.
If you want to go through with it, I recommend baby steps: only meet up for kissing and flirting. Nothing more can happen this day. That way, you can all process your feelings and sleep on it. It is strongly recommend for couples exploring threesomes.
It's recommended for any new sexual experience really,but this obe particularly since more people are involved and the setup is more delicate. If you like it, you can still move ahead. If sonrone freaks out, a lot less harm is done
I think that is unnecessarily harsh. OP is 19 and learning to navigate as an adult. Also, some men can get very scary, very quickly when being told 'no.' This guy has already shown that he doesn't respect the word no, so she wants to tread carefully. Especially since they go to the same school and share mutual friends. A block is not going to protect her in person. I can understand her hesitancy to escalate what could be a messy social situation and make a shitty person upset with her.
The D pics were unasked for and appear to be a manipulation tactic. Since he is now pressuring her to reciprocate.
OP is a teenager in an uncomfortable position and asked for help and advice. That doesn't make her stupid. It shouldn't be an invitation for harsh criticism and shame.
Also..are you a man?
It’s not doing something to “help”. You’re not helping her with her tasks. You live! in that house, so those chores are yours too – you’re just making them her problem.
For every tasks that you do, you’re adding in at least three tasks for her:
Check if lazy partner has done their part of the basic adult maintenance of the house
Work out how to coax lazy partner into behaving like an adult and doing their damn chores, and babysit their sulking about it
Check lazy partner did the thing properly or did it at all, and then work out if it’s worth even having the argument vs fixing it herself when you didn’t.
Iterate every time she has to ask you.
She’s not your manager; she didn’t sign up to have to keep asking you to do your part, but you’re putting her in that position and then moaning about it.
You have three choices:
Start doing your share of the chores plus a few before she notices they need doing or asks you to do them. Do them to the standard you know she wants them done, not your minimum effort. Remove the burden of managing you from her by no longer needing to be managed. Once you have been doing all your housework without needing babysitting for about twice as long as she’s had to babysit you for, she’ll probably have started to trust you to act like an adult again.
Accept and admit that you don’t do things or do them properly without a manager. Ask her to manage you, and you take on a larger share of the housework to make up for her having to do all the planning and thinking and reminding and checking. In this not only do you do more of the chores, and again do them to her standard not your own, you also forfeit all right to not take directions well. If she tells you a chore needs done you drop what you’re doing and do it immediately. That’s the price of abdicating responsibility: you also abdicate control.
Carry on not doing your share, needing to be persuaded to act like a responsible adult, and not responding well to being asked to do so. This way you get away with not doing much housework!
Way three gets you dumped very soon indeed. Way two might work if she’s genuinely happy to be the one who does the thinking for both of you, but a lot of people want a partner not a servant; so expect to get dumped when either she gets bored or the effort of handling you or you prove you can’t be trusted to hold up your side.
Way one you save your relationship and regain her trust but – and this part clearly matters a lot to you – you do end up having to do your damn chores.
As a woman in a relationship of almost one year, do not tell her. It won’t benefit either of you as you haven’t done anything wrong since you made it official, and there’s no way she would want to hear about you getting with someone else just before you guys were together.
Too bad for her, each & every tenant/occupant is required to be on the lease, otherwise you can’t live! there. She has no choice in the matter.
Do you really think dick picks and clothed as s picks are the same? That just makes you seem immature and insecure.
Record a conversation and play it for her. This is the only way.
It depends on what you said. If it’s is bad enough It may be very hard if impossible to reestablish that feeling