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The two of you aren't in love anymore. Time to move on. A open marriage isn't the solution. Go find a man who wants you, who craves you that you in turn crave. But most of all don't settle next time.
I don't see patting on the head the gateway drug for full hog beatings. If you don't like the patting, tell him you don't like it. If he continues, it's more inline with enjoying being 'mean' then physical abuse – might still be a deal breaker to you. Before you start jumping to far reaching conclusions though, simply ask calmly first, as it seems very innocent.
to wit, the sound of liquids pouring on the radio really makes me mad. It's completely irrational and crazy, I know. Any rate, dating in high school, listening to the radio as we did back then, a sprite commercial comes on. I hit her dash board during this, which really really really freaked her the fuck out. Found out later her dad was a complete asshole and beat her drunk.
At the time, young and dumb, I thought nothing of it. After her response and explanation, my dumb ass realized my actions were really not acceptable. People are dumb sometimes and need to be told what they're doing is not OK.
Sex is not a fucking gift or nice gesture.