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Honey, he is absolutely cheating on you. Just move on
I would agree on selling the house, but that's easier said then done. I probably should have mentioned in the original post that she has put a considerable about of cash into financing construction for a few permanent additions to the house. Breaking up and kicking her out I feel could lead to some legal actions. Plus the market right now in my area definitely isn't seller friendly at the moment, so it could be months before anyone bites. I also on-line a few states away from family and have a job that prevents me from moving back with them.
But you are right, perhaps being honest with her and laying it out on the table will show her that her actions have consequences. Even if it doesn't, at least I'd get it all off my chest. Still, I'd rather not risk the situation getting any worse than it already is.
He may be an alcoholic. An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink all the time. They're often unable to stop once they've started, though.
You're still in the honeymoon period of your relationship, too. When that ends, how much will he expect you to tolerate? How often will you have to clean up the messes he makes? How much will you tolerate being ignored so he feed his addiction? How far does he expect you to watch him spiral?
I understand you're hurt because he went back on his word and lied to you. You're scared because he did something dangerous. You're right to be upset. He needs to apologize, and he needs to present a plan of action and measurable goals. An apology without action is simply manipulation. Something needs to change.
You have a much bigger problem to consider, though. This man may be an alcoholic. If he is, this is going to continue and worsen if nothing changes. Are you ready to work with him on the path of recovery if this is the scenario? If he refuses, what then?
I know you like him, but your relationship is young. You may have a lot of heartache ahead of you if you stay with him, so make your choice carefully.
She isn't even an afterthought!
She is no thought at all.
The day he decided to bring him his siblings he actually left his marriage.
OP just doesn't seem to comprehend this because physically he is still there.
Use protection for their sake.
Honestly at this point having had most of the day to think on it I’m considering straight up just saying ‘I’m becoming uncomfortable with your friendship with Claire and I didn’t realise you guys were messaging frequently’. This is probably how I can come at it most calmly, there is no accusations, and no indication that I’ve actually gone into the messages. And I realise now I’d actually totally be within my right to be uncomfortable with it even if I wasn’t until today.
And I think his reaction off the back of that will tell me everything I need to know and we can take it from there.