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Fr Please block him. No matter how many times you try to work through this, he's going to make it an issue. Eventually he's going to start shaming you and probably calling you derogatory names because of it. Don't let him do that. You deserve a man who loves you for you.
He's clearly not okay with what you do and that's his issue to deal with but he can't stay with you and keep making this an issue. You told him up front what the deal was and if he can't handle that which he clearly can't, he should step away like he did. I say let him go.
He's probably depressed but that's not a reason to lie
Eating sounds are so fucking infuriating.
I have no sympathy for it – if you eat like a fuckwit, especially open mouth chewing and clicking jaw – fuck you. These people deserve their feelings hurt, they suck.
Thank you ?
Are you new to Reddit? That's exactly what pages like this are for? “Unbiased” opinions from third parties or people that got through similar situations. Some people know what to do and just want the validation.
I actually laughed at “if you're afraid of going to your partner or dont think you can talk to them about anything because you're worries It'll start a fight, that's a red flag.”
That's called being in a relationship with a woman.
All jokes aside, yes, I agree. Assuming he hasn't already, he should tell her plainly that he's not happy and discuss ways of fixing the issue.
Okay please don’t listen to this person lol they clearly don’t know how LDR work and how difficult they can be. Light hearted jokes can be taken way differently when you don’t see your SO very much and all you ever go off on is phone calls FaceTime and text. Lol LDR you can’t treat it like a normal relationship because it’s not. So the lighthearted jokes like the one she was making will completely come off differently. The last thing you want to do in LDR is to cast any doubt whatsoever
STOP POSTING THIS
Thank you for your reply. I will consider this option as well.
Could be the way she was raised or who she’s dated before that made here expect/mind splitting the bill. Kindly explain your philosophy about splitting it and see if she respects it and wants to go out under those terms again. If not, then consider it a lesson learned – at a 50% discount I might add as well.
Do the stuff she can do, together, than do the stuff she can’t do with friends, and share it with her later. You both sound flexible and understanding, so I can’t imagine that you’d be unable to work something out that would be a win/win for both of you.
(above copied post higher up…. Just No). I'm sorry this has happened. As an older person, who now cares for someone with Parkinson's, I don't feel lots of people here are being realistic about your relationship. (like the above advice). You can try that, but I see she's kinda clingy and “felt upset” when you have tried seeing your friends. You're having “caregiver fatigue”, and OP, you're too young for that. Your GF/friend needs to see to top specialists and see if there is any surgery or therapy that will help her. She needs to be able to be “on her own”, with OR without you. And don't feel badly. The fact you're here asking for advice, it sorta shows that you know it is more than you can handle. For some people, maybe they could … but not everyone is capable of being a 100% full-time caregiver. (which this could eventually require).
Why don't you want to break up? He's rude and embarrassing and inconsiderate and he calls you awful names.
She doesn’t need to know about your dating life.
She probably just wanted a free trip. Nonetheless, it was never discussed with you and I would be mad as hell too. I would let him know how you feel.
Lol I’d break up because absolutely not
He knows what to tell you, because he was telling you until your dad told him he didn’t have to.
OP – what did she say when you confronted her? Has she admitted to cheating?
She hasn’t been attracted to him since they had the second kid she says. That’s what lead to the divorce
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How is this not a huge turn off for you?
I think you did the right thing. It sounds like you were trying to talk about something he did and since he didn’t want to deal with it/you and take responsibility, he pulled this “break” out of his ass to make you back off. Six weeks is a long time to not speak to someone so you were right to move on. No healthy person would act like he did. Take a break from the conversation maybe but not the entire relationship. He sounds really immature and I think you dodged a bullet.
Isn’t the main issue that your bf cheated on you? Do you really think your friend will give a shit? She could only cheat because your bf let her.
Doubts are inevitable. They can be irrational in fact you can know they are irrational, but still have them. Assuming your relationship is healthy and happy outside of this incident you really should let it go. Of course there is no issue with telling your bf how it has made you feel. With that said it is not a betrayal of any kind.
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From your comments, you need to grow a spine, get some therapy and actually start loving yourself more then this AH.
See if they exchanged phone numbers, that would give me my answer, and if they did I would block her and delete her number from his phone and block her on ALL of his social media. Sounds like they are crushing on each other and I wouldn't trust either one of them, but that's the way I am.
Given the background in your post, I would guess that the chances that your dad doesn't know that your mom has a lover is around zero. At best, they have a don't ask, don't tell relationship. You can ask your mom, but I would stay out of it.
…… so he’s effectively making you pay to bang him. Wow.
I'm sure you didn't go into this relationship thinking you were her first, right? RIGHT?! There's nothing to forgive her for here. The ex, on the other hand, you should be reporting to the police. Be on her side instead of feeding into the bull shit her ex is trying to cause.
Stop throwing yourself at him and move on
Should make the woman pay reverse child support. Garnish her wages and if she doesn't work then deny any government help.
Sex isn't fun or mutual anymore it's all about him getting off
There's way more going on in the post than this. Sounds like things are just not good all around. Very hot to know where to start… but taking a punt…
You're allowed to have sexual pleasure, if he's not doing the work, you should be free to express that. If you're doing all the hand and mouth action and he's doing sod all then you can tell him that. Also, if it's not reciprocated, and you want it reciprocated, then he gets nothing. And there's no shortage of avenues, there's an entire industry based on sex toys.
Being taken advantage of by the sons and family, that's a whole different issue. Maybe one you choose to walk away from but you're entitled to put your foot down and say that none of this is acceptable.
He doesn't understand it and just because I don't want to share that information with him isn't enough
i tend to dwell on my feelings , whereas he can be fine from the issue quite quickly afterwards , so i knew by me still feeling these feelings on it when im his mind “its fine now” would annoy him
Sorry I only just got to this one! I wish I had opened this one first, I am so sorry Lonewolfblack.
That sounds awfully traumatic for you. I can't imagine having to deal with someone you love having cancer, and then not being with that person, and then not really knowing how to cope with all that trauma and pain.
I am so glad that you worked on yourself, and then found an amazing woman you could have a relationship with. And I'm certain that those other women were amazing as well, but I also think that sometimes we need to heal. You had a lot of grief and trauma, and I'm guessing you didn't even know how to start healing from it, and likely did what you thought would help you best at the time.
And when you became aware that it wasn't doing that, you started healing yourself – properly, in the necessary ways – and I just think that's really awesome. Thank you so much for writing this all out, I really appreciate it.
She can have all of her snapchat data emailed to her and she can recover the messages if that is the case!
What?
People who claim they are just ‘brutally honest’ basically just want to treat people like crap and get away with it. Do NOT put up with being treated like this!
So, who has OP been married to for 7 years?
You sound ignorant 🙂
it’s tacky he is putting her out with no warning.
same, I don’t know why but I feel like she’s asked for the time because she’s gonna pull something big (or at least try)
You are her backup plan.
That's nice, but it appears you're mixing facts from some other story you read and not this one.
So, there's a pattern that the way you deal with stress is not ok with the people you're dating.
Eventually you'll find someone who either is good at snapping you out of a funk, or you'll find someone who doesn't mind them, understands it and doesn't take it personally.
I'm in my 40s and a lot that I thought were deal breakers when I was young aren't any more. My partner of 12 years and I even moved into separate apartments after lockdown while staying together – he needed the space, I'm autistic with ADHD & being together all day every day is NOT a pattern that was good for us! So we mixed it up and stayed committed to talking when it wasn't working for us. We're starting therapy together soon, to figure out where we go from here.
It's not necessarily that you're doing something you need to fix, but if you can't fix it within a relationship then the relationship isn't working for either of you, and only you two will know when to call it quits.
I did tell my GF about her. I told her I chatted quite a bit but nothing more happened.
I honestly don't understand why his company is so amazing that you want to keep him around.
He disrespects you He wants to control your actions He claims that his behaviour is your 'fault' (Now that's a slippery slope to emotional abuse) He won't respond to reason He doesn't care if you are unhappy – he has no reason to change.
He wants to isolate you and control you, yet he keeps doing what he wants. These are not the words or actions of a person who cares about your wellbeing.
Don't believe any BS promises about how things will be better if you just let him make all the decisions – that will not change how he treats you.
Girl, this guy is broken. Throw him back and find a better one.
Do you even like this girl? Doesn't seem like you want to put any effort in and you seem to dislike her values
Those friends you deleted? Go find them (one of them?), apologize for your ex-bf making you ignore them. One of them will ask if you're OK.
“Well, I just dumped my bf because he couldn't leave his computer to hear about my dad's cancer diagnosis, so I'm feeling lost and alone. I don't even think he knows I'm his Ex.” Then, give a wan smile and tell him you're trying to keep it together.
Tell her, you only date women who eat meat and vanish.
In my experience as well as my observation, any relationship that hits two breakups is not going to be healthy long-term. There are reasons you split up, and BOTH of you have to address and remedy those issues. Usually, at best only one passenger is willing to do the work. You should stay broken up.
Yeah we all now where is relationship is heading. He doesn't value you.
The first step in finding them is having the space for them in your life.
thank you for saying that. Cuz I really tried very hot and I think I wasn’t being unfair. I’m his first gf. He’s never had a gf before due to religion reason.
Can't wait for the “My (20F) sister (??F) won't speak to me because I slept with her Ex-BF(28M)” post coming soon
Next minute you'll be posting in TIFU. Your poor girlfriend.
And? She's NOT being amicable. Hire the attorney.
The thing is, i cant really be there for her if shes not willing to let me in. Since getting with her new relationship everything just seems really one sided. She does hang out with her boyfriends friends but never hangs out with her own friends anymore. I feel like im losing her to him. It just looks and feels like hes her life now and she has no other interests
How were you expecting to pay of the loans otherwise?
Major red flag. I don’t think a majority of people care about this type of stuff.
Except you DO only want him for his body, because now it's up to your standards. Shallow Hal vibes.
3 years. We normally do the things that you’ve mentioned, but we lack an activity that makes us move. Living together has made us both comfortable with each other that we stopped getting active.
She probably wanted more strength, support and listening. Not consoling you.
She may be annoyed it became more about your emotions than hers.
Thank you for your reply. How would we go about addressing her anxiety?
That's a tough one. I don't know that I'd want to be forced into some kind of limbo created by and fully controlled by my partner. She wants to initiate this, she wants to force a home sale, she wants you to live! apart, and she wants to dictate the terms of the relationship during this period.
You need to stand up and fight for what YOU want too. This shouldn't be you just agreeing with exactly what she wants to do. Personally I wouldn't want that arrangement. Selling a house is a HUGE deal. If my partner wanted to do that, I'd change the situation to just a full breakup. Tell her that you love her, but that you don't want to live in limbo, hoping she might someday change her mind.
I'd work on an amicable, but clean breakup myself. But whatever you do, make sure you think of YOUR needs, and don't let it all be controlled by her.
Nor is it a bad foundation for a healthy long term relationship. In fact it's irrelevant to the health and longevity of a relationship.
So when you were 19 you got together with a 26 year old? No wonder you feel the way you do! He’s ready to settle down yes but you are in an exploratory period of your life and want to get out there. There isn’t anything wrong with either of those things, but you guys are clearly in two different stages of life. Love alone cannot sustain a relationship if you’re already feeling like you want out. Go out there and explore yourself.
Ok thank you
If he’s that wonderful, I’d sure he looks at things much differently than you. If he minded you having a child he wouldn’t date you. If he thought you weren’t at his intellectual level he wouldn’t date you. If he thought your lack of higher education was a problem, he wouldn’t date you.
There’s something you should look at when the two of you are out in public. Does he stay near you or go talk to his friends all night? Are there any PDA going on? Has he introduced you to family and friends? Acknowledged you on social media? Frankly, he sounds like a good guy who sees the value of you even though you struggle to see it. Talk to him and share your insecurities, let him remind you why the two of you are together. Look into getting therapy for your insecurities too.
I'm at a crossroads
No, you aren't. You are dating a jobless hustler who is trying to hustle you into letting him move in so he can use you.
my family has been very protective of me
Sounds like you don't have a good track record of recognizing when prospective partners aren't good for you, so you get into relationships with losers/users/abusers. You are hiding this relationship because you know it is a losing proposition to waste your time with this guy.
I’m American and did a brief stint in social work graduate school. This girl in my class shared that she decided to be a social worker after volunteering in Peru at an orphanage for a week. Not surprisingly she had kind of backwards views in general.
There are plenty of places to volunteer in the US. Serving soup at a soup kitchen might not sound as appealing as playing with kids for a day, but it is good work and you can get to know people and show them compassion. I met some really great people who came to the soup kitchen where I volunteered.
Another bad lie. Remember, you already told us that you heavily discouraged her from getting the degree program she wants. You wanted her to do CS too so she would earn a lot of money for you.
none of that would justify penetrating a person in their sleep without explicit consent to do so
They’re….her friends?
She is his “one who got away”. He has built her up into this perfect fantasy woman that he would have had the perfect life with if only the cruel fates had not intervened.
I would question if he should even have started dating you when he clearly had such strong feelings for her.
But that’s by the by now, you can’t do anything about it.
You should absolutely refuse to let him get in contact with her again. Make it a dealbreaker because it really needs to be!
All that will happen is that he will be in an emotional long distance affair with her. He won’t be able to stop himself because the distance will make his Shakespearean ill-fated romance even more tainted with sadness.
He needs to block her and grow the fuck up. He’s not 14 any more.
Then you and him need to have a proper talk about where you both go from here wrt your marriage. He needs a wake up call that he can’t carry on treating you so disloyally and disrespectfully as he is doing now.
Good luck. You are going to need it.
I would also be concerned that if they were smashing so close to the break up was there more to it that you don't know.
This is a really manipulative answer. “We share two houses” but one is hers and I smoked in it and one is mine and I don’t smoke in it.
GET. A. LAWYER.
STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX.
Please.
Rejecting men can be dangerous or even deadly to women. She used a tactic to pacify him and get him to leave. Then she deleted the number and told you about it.
No, you don't need to worry about her being faithful. Maybe get her some pepper spray though
It was true..I felt as if I was under pressure, I didn’t want to have sex with him.
We both have bad exes that we've said there's no way we'd go back to them. I'm thinking maybe of starting the conversation with “how would you feel if you saw I was following my ex on Instagram and liking her posts?”. I think she would admit she'd feel gross about it and then I can bring it up.
Clorox wipes??? Jeez that’s gross and creepy at the same time. I wouldn’t worry about it, just freshen up once you get ready to hook up and you’ll be fine. She probably has some weird sense of smell or taste because she uses Clorox wipes as a baby wipe.
This, OP. it's a very sound advice.
Also, always use protection next time. And always carry you own condom. You can't despute her claim because you don't use protection. Or better yet, get a snip.
He will say whatever he has to say to keep you around. Obviously.
Ultimately it doesn't matter why the book was given to him, innocent or not. You have shared your feelings with him about how this made you feel and instead of caring about how you feel he has only offered justifications and excuses. That, to me, is the concerning part.
OP, any marriage counselor worth their salt will not counsel a couple when there is abuse involved.
Why? Because they know that abusers will try to turn the counselor to their side and the sessions into a weapon of abuse.
Your wife is abusive. You are a victim of emotional abuse.
Take it from another one that the only path forward is divorce. Your kids need it as much as you do. You will need to do your best to get full custody.
Get a lawyer, put together a plan.
If she gets physical again, call 911. File charges. Get a restraining order.
If you live! in a single consent recording state, get a pocket recorder and record all conversations with her.
Take it from another man who was where you are and managed to get full custody.
OP…you need to love yourself first to be happy.
“Levels” are often relative and depend on the individual when qualitatives are concerned. I.e. you can absolutely compare 1 pound with 2 pounds, but not “the importance of respect versus love” in an objective fashion. 🙂
In a lot of ways it doesn't really matter.
Maybe it is withdrawal. Maybe it is mental illness that he was self medicating for taking a more prominent toll on him.
Reality is that still makes him an unhealthy partner for you. Just because you know 'why' he is toxic doesn't mean you should condone it or make special accomadations. Especially when it is clearly taking such a toll on you.
And in his withdrawal or whatever you want to call it he has established a deeply toxic and self indulgent narrative, one that is victim blaming you, emotionally cornering and pressuring and guilt tripping you as well. It is a narrative that will lead to treatment many magnitudes worse than you've faced so far as he increasingly feels vindicated attacking you. It's already begun I am sure you've noted.
“He's incredibly sweet and supportive.”
“you could dress sexier”
No, he's not.
This is gross, and I'm a dude and me and my partner watch porn together, and alone, but the lying then manipulation is wack,
dress sexier? I'm a person you idiot, your looking at a screen, I'm sitting here chilling being me, this dude says dress sexier, guaranteed while not dressing sexy,
“if you need to use my phone my passcode is 1234”
Feels like a bait to me.
So you're sort of in the situation where she either baited you and will throw it in your face, in which case you ought to leave because that's just games for the sake of it.
Or she wasn't, and she has a sketchy update that coincides with a night of opportunity.
Either way you need to have the conversation. As you note, it is eating at you and she will notice it soon enough. If it turns out it is nothing and you can talk through it then that is nice, but as it stands this will likely be the big test that determines if you go any further.
Isolated Manipulated into failing school/career Told to prioritize obedience
How many abuser flags does this guy need to wave?
Don't walk away, run!
Thank you for letting me and everyone else know that you are a troll ???
That is a fair assessment. Thank you.
Yes, I’m certain they are who they say they are.
Sounds like he's had 3 opportunities to be with you over the course of 10 years… he just doesn't want to be with you.
He doesn't have romantic feelings for you. It sucks, but I'm not sure what you're holding out hope for. His mind isn't going to change—it would have, already.
At some point you're going to have to stop going back to this guy and learn this lesson. Until then, you're just going to keep hurting yourself.
Honestly I try to live! my life like this, it was nice to read for sure 🙂
Well I just had a conversation with her and what she basically said was:
She needs to become the person she was before she started dating me. Apparently she's stopped doing a lot of things she likes to do for the sake of the relationship. For example going out and having fun with her friends without worrying about me getting mad at her about something (I have occasionally gotten upset that men would flirt with her). She doesn't know if she wants to be with someone who makes her hate herself. I haven't been keeping any of the promises I made. For example, I haven't lost any weight, I still drink the same (I told her I'd cut down), etc. If we make it after these two weeks, “things won't be the same.”
I told her that taking a break just doesn't make sense because how can we work on the relationship if we're not in it? Her response was “you make me feel like a cunt and yet you say you love me. Worry about that making sense.” and “Two weeks is honestly short too, I need to distance myself from you to think about things. I don't know if I want to be with you right now and I'm not comfortable seeing you know. I need to think and also see a new attitude from you in two weeks.”
Seems pretty…bad.
Tell her that men aged 18 are shipped overseas and die fighting in a country that is not theirs.
The two of you are mature enough to enjoy a week long trip ffs
Is she at all attractive?