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NTA I would say that there are no genitals above the waist so drop it permanently or move out. Controlling how you exist at your home isn't valid.
Is he in therapy?
This isn’t BDSM. BDSM is done with a huge idea of consent. A good relationship will involve both parties sitting down and discussing this at length. It would mean establishing boundaries, developing a sense of trust, and going over restrictions.
This is someone being disrespectful and violating your consent. You need a very serious conversation about this where you tell him in very blatant terms that what he did was not okay. Personally, this would be enough for me to walk away.
It looks to me like Kate has a crush on OP, and OP was encouraging it. Maybe not intentionally, but Kate seems to be overly concerned about her best friend’s boyfriend. Some women have no trouble pursuing their friends’ boyfriends/husbands. OP can call it a brother/sister friendship, but I’m not sure Kate sees it that way. It’s entirely possible that Lucy is picking up on this. Maybe Lucy is feeling like the third wheel in her own relationship.
If I were Lucy, I’d stop bringing Kate around so much. I agree with OP on that.