Thanks for replying dude. I don’t want to keep you, but whenever I try to meet with my dad, he brings up his gf and talks about all these things I should be doing, and all these people he knows that I should meet up with. I just want to meet HIM y’know? Maybe just talk about guy stuff, see a film or something. But it’s so fucking impossible nowadays.
My mum is the same thing. She always mid-conversation will videocall her boyfriend, and shove her phone in my face, and pretend like this time she’s spending with me is something we do weekly, when it’s scarcely every month, maybe more.
The basis is that I realise I’m trying to spend time with people without knowing who they REALLY are. It’s not like I can change who may parents are which is fine, so how do I spend quality time with them?
This entire post is a list of the ways you have bossed her around regarding sex. You want it more. You don't want to wear condoms, so you're making it her problem. You're criticizing her effort. You accused her of faking it. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.
It’s not so much about group projects, more the expectation of group study outside of lectures – course mates are likely to group up and work through problems together, and lecturers will take this into account.
I’m not sure he likes you that much. I’m an introvert and when my partner gets a little to “ talky “ for me I go do some chores around the house and listen to my podcasts or audiobooks. I do get overstimulated at work and out and about so I understand needing down time but the fact he wants you to leave the house entirely is a huge red flag to me.
She needs a better therapist and you need to keep that ring. Tell anyone calling you that you are done talking about it and you will block them if it continues. Some relationships are not meant to be.
That’s why you don’t confront in front of other people tbh, I get it tho bc I would’ve too but it’s just a misunderstanding. Apologize and say that obviously you felt something and you didn’t see the child there so you jumped to conclusions. If I were you I probably would’ve done the same thing tbh
I dont say things like this lightly, but you need to leave him IMMEDIATELY There is so much wrong here, massively wrong. 1. He forced himself on you when you were asleep – Rape 2. You were drunk, which put you too sleep, and were in no condition to give consent without impairment – Rape 3. Your 20, I dont know where you on-line (assuming states), as such its possible you are below the legal drinking age (I aint judging you) but if you are thats – provision of alcohol to a minor 4. He's removing condoms without your consent – a lot of countries/states, etc. Have laws against this sort of thing usually classe under – sexual assult 5. He's hiding/interfering with your birth control, beshides the moral implications and personal violations, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are laws against this (see 4) 6. He started dating you when you were 16, depending where you are. You may have been below age of consent. This could have been seen as grooming, pedophilia and rape (look, there's that word again).
It sounds like your boyfriend is incredibly manipulative and inconsiderate of your wants and needs, and that's before you take into consideration things like the possible rape, grooming and gods knows what else. He's putting you in situations you are not ready for and more importantly it IS YOUR BODY YOUR RIGHTS YOUR RULES.
Lets assume the worst and he gets you pregnant, then what? Will he force you to give up your education/work/career? Will you have to be a SAHM? Can your boyfriend provide a stable (financially, emotionally and everything else) home? Will he be out every night with his mates as hes still 'young'? And what will make him stop at one kid? When do you go from being a girlfriend to a baby making machine?
Unless you can genuinely say you want to be a mum at 20 and your happy with all of the above and more, you need to get out now and press every charge under the sun that you can.
Finally, i just want to say, My dad had my youngest sister in his 40s (saddly he passed just before she turned 18) but my point is to have a kid in your mid/late 30s/early 40s means your kid is going to be a grown adult by the time your 60. Not exactly old and still well below any government retirement ages. I dont get what the hell your boyfriend is on to claim you have to be in your 20s to avoid raising a kid when your old.
You never said it’s someone new, but still doesn’t mean anything just from that. Literally just talk to him instead of building up concern in your head.
Another well meaning woman thinking she can fix a man, or that he will suddenly change for her…. Sweetheart this is him. You can't change or fix him. If the day comes where he suddenly becomes a responsible adult, it will be because he decided to do it for himself or because he lost something he values, it will not have nothing to do with anything a woman says or wants.
You’ve been dating 2 weeks. You were iffy and don’t think you should’ve agreed to be his girlfriend.
Now you’re expecting constant contact while he’s away. And your go to response is to block him on almost every platform.
Are you bring irrational? Yes. Also oddly insecure about someone you suggest you’re not really in to.
Now, is he worth the stress you’re putting yourself through? No.
Deep breath. Unblock him. Let him do what he does. You do you. When you’re face to face again have a calm conversation about expectations or end things.
You're not a child you are in control of your behavior. Like others said already act professional ffs
Regardless of what he's doing, you should always remain professional. You do not want to get involved with a marriage it will also ruin your career. You're young focus don't fck up your future bc a cute doctor makes eyes at you ?
I think a lot of people cheat and that's obviously bad, and up to you if you want a relationship where you can see other people. The fact he thinks it's different for him than for you is a huuuuge issue. As is him saying he woukd probably cheat on you 3 times if you got pregnant.
A decade is a long time to be with someone and leaving is very naked but you deserve a lot better than that. 30 is young you have plenty of time to find someone who appreciates you
They were together for 2 years; he failed to mention it to you. She went from him to his best friend; she broke his heart, and the breakup was bad, but his best friend, knowing it was a bad breakup, still jumped on her. Now all of them are close friends, and you are the last to know? VERY STRANGE FRIENDSHIP.
“but he’s always talking about how fun and beautiful she is”
Your boyfriend is still not over her, and she is still all over him.
If I were you, I would make sure he had no contact with her. I would tell him not to hang out with this specific friend; he can have guys' time. But not on a double date, because you are not comfortable being around her and you are disrespected by her. If he can't do that, you will leave, because this girl will always be around, and it's only a matter of time before they find their time for reminiscing about the past.
But do you think the lie is justified? I'm just truly torn, I don't think he meant harm but I'm terrified about other things I may not know. I'm spiraling
I dated a girl for 3 months last year. She made a bunch of horrible comments after ghosting me (blaming me). I found out she was meeting up with somebody else and I moved on. We met again at the Christmas party.. and guess who decides to slide back into my DMs about still having feelings and admits they had commitment issues etc..
Honestly.. fuck those people. You deserve better. Don't go back there. They didn't give a shit then and they won't when the next bit of fun comes along.
Ditch the girlfriend, keep caring for your sister like a brother does. You are a great brother. Your girlfriend is mentally a 5 year old with the body of 22 year old. She is simply too immature to deal with adult responsibilities. That she does not recognize that you are a great caring guy is just a shame. You deserve so much better. You will find the right girlfriend.
This sounds really scary. If y’all want to do consent play, rough sex, or BDSM, it’s good to discuss it beforehand, make sure you both know what you’re okay with and what’s off limits, and to have a safeword.
Of all the people to be close friends with you found an 18 year old female that you can relate to with no attraction. No one buying that not even your GF. You’re better moving home if you’re going to pursue this.
A lot to unpack here. I think it would be reasonable to not want you hanging out alone with another girl that much, but since you're gf's brother is there, then I don't really get it.
But then – Why are you wanting to hang out with a teenager so often? It's kinda weird, bruh.
You’re 22. If you’re not comfortable dealing with the trauma that comes with a partner grieving the death of a former partner, you don’t have to. It’s not something that’s going to go away, so if you can’t see yourself coming to terms with this part of her life then it’s ok to move on.
Yeah given all the details, I think you’re reasonable to feel uncomfortable. If it was just a long ago teenage hookup and they’ve been truly platonic ever since, I’d lean towards letting her go without complaint. But I’d say the way he’s acting is disrespectful to your relationship, and that some of his actions seem like subtle power plays against you. Like telling her in front of you that he wouldn’t have let her come if he was in your position, basically saying that he’s a threat to your relationship, and then giving her a forehead kiss. That seems like the sort of thing one gender does that the same gender picks up on, but the other doesn’t or chooses ignore. Sort of like how some women report noticing subtle advances or power plays that other women do to their boyfriends, but the boyfriends don’t appreciate.
Ideally she’d shut down his advances, but it seems like she hasn’t done that. If I was in your position I’d probably (rightly or wrongly) tell her that you find the situation disrespectful both from him and from her not shutting it down, give some examples (eg telling her that he wishes she was his date), and say that you don’t think she’d like it if the shoe was on the other foot. I wouldn’t forbid her to go or anything bc I’m not comfortable doing that, but I’d definitely take into account how she handles the situation. She’s a person free to do what she wants, but her actions have consequences. And those consequences can include you losing trust/confidence in your relationship, or even ending it.
You’re definitely going to be jealous while she’s in an environment where she’s surrounded almost entirely by men and where, historically, the likelihood of sexual advances of some kind by at least one of those men is pretty high. And she’s gonna be working at Twin Peaks before that. This is gonna be tough for you to deal with.
So your gf goes on a date with her ex and even he thought it was super wierd. Then she also brought him up to you in a conversation. Why would she do this? This smells like some highly manipulative or wierd behavior to me. On top of that she lied about seeing him.
This whole issue also is not about if she is over him or not. This whole issue is about respect towards you and she clearly disrespected you on several levels just in this short story.
I honeslty can't give you any other advice as to dump her asap. Her ex sounds as a down to earth nice guy from the little information you give, maybe he would be a good friend…
What does she do to make you smile when you think of her?
How does she make you feel enriched? Happy? Glad to be alive?
If you can’t answer any of these then she’s no good.
It sounds like the whole relationship is based on what SHE wants and needs.
Sounds like she doesn’t give a duck about you.
If it was your bestie, or your brother or sister writing this, what would you advise them to do? Would you say “oh stay, it may get better one day. Give her another year of your life to make sure”.
Or would you say “she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care for you. She prioritises everyone else over you and doesn’t give a shit that she’s hurting you because she doesn’t care enough to wonder if she’s hurting you. You are nobody to her”
You say you haven’t anyone else in your life so you don’t want to break up. Sorry but you sound really lonely with her in your life because she’s not there for you. How is that any better?
“I will admit, honestly, I’m not very sexually attracted to him.”
What the fuck? You really think this is an acceptable thing to do to someone? Your “condition” is entirely disingenuous and you’ve just admitted it. He shouldn’t be touching you without your consent, but this is manipulative AF on your part. And cruel.
All you’ve accomplished is proving once again why “no sex until marriage” is a massive red flag 99 percent of the time
I’m calling BS and if it’s real Y’all shouldn’t get married… no sex for 3 years, that’s just wild. I’m sure my guy is seeing some cuties on the side because that’s insane.
It seems to only happen 3 times, once when we were shopping , and then these times. I told him last time that he doesn’t get to speak to me like that but I’m going to be more harsh . But I suppose it is true, I just don’t know where from my side other than the belittling
Honestly, it’s not your place. Yes, she deserves to know, but you have nothing to do with it except have a second hand account of something that happened before you were “official.”
These things have a way of coming out on their own, and you’re going to look like the bad guy in this situation.
Just remember you only have a second hand account of it.
however to expand on this: be sure that this work friend doesn’t have feelings for ur girlfriend. he might get the wrong idea even if she has absolutely no feelings or intentions towards him
The problem is that your entire premise requires ignoring the reason she married him and put up with his BS. She didn't know he was a good man at heart, she didn't care because that's not what her and her kid needed. That's it. No deep meaning.
Sure things changed as the series went on and the characters grew, but that doesn't retroactively change how things started.
It's justified because he is too lazy to care for himself and doesn't care, as he put it.
Thanks for replying dude. I don’t want to keep you, but whenever I try to meet with my dad, he brings up his gf and talks about all these things I should be doing, and all these people he knows that I should meet up with. I just want to meet HIM y’know? Maybe just talk about guy stuff, see a film or something. But it’s so fucking impossible nowadays.
My mum is the same thing. She always mid-conversation will videocall her boyfriend, and shove her phone in my face, and pretend like this time she’s spending with me is something we do weekly, when it’s scarcely every month, maybe more.
The basis is that I realise I’m trying to spend time with people without knowing who they REALLY are. It’s not like I can change who may parents are which is fine, so how do I spend quality time with them?
You’re not evil but this was so cruel of you. Please tell her, she deserves to know.
That would be something I’d totally be down for but hell would freeze over before she’d be on board lol but I’ll keep it in the back pocket
This entire post is a list of the ways you have bossed her around regarding sex. You want it more. You don't want to wear condoms, so you're making it her problem. You're criticizing her effort. You accused her of faking it. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.
It’s not so much about group projects, more the expectation of group study outside of lectures – course mates are likely to group up and work through problems together, and lecturers will take this into account.
Thank you! I didn't scroll through all 300 comments before I posted. My bad.
Though.. sounds like that convo was before this latest shift in ideology? Or, he said it to avoid her finding out now.
I dunno. People with hate in their hearts don't usually make the best parents/roll models.
I’m not sure he likes you that much. I’m an introvert and when my partner gets a little to “ talky “ for me I go do some chores around the house and listen to my podcasts or audiobooks. I do get overstimulated at work and out and about so I understand needing down time but the fact he wants you to leave the house entirely is a huge red flag to me.
She needs a better therapist and you need to keep that ring. Tell anyone calling you that you are done talking about it and you will block them if it continues. Some relationships are not meant to be.
That’s why you don’t confront in front of other people tbh, I get it tho bc I would’ve too but it’s just a misunderstanding. Apologize and say that obviously you felt something and you didn’t see the child there so you jumped to conclusions. If I were you I probably would’ve done the same thing tbh
I dont say things like this lightly, but you need to leave him IMMEDIATELY There is so much wrong here, massively wrong. 1. He forced himself on you when you were asleep – Rape 2. You were drunk, which put you too sleep, and were in no condition to give consent without impairment – Rape 3. Your 20, I dont know where you on-line (assuming states), as such its possible you are below the legal drinking age (I aint judging you) but if you are thats – provision of alcohol to a minor 4. He's removing condoms without your consent – a lot of countries/states, etc. Have laws against this sort of thing usually classe under – sexual assult 5. He's hiding/interfering with your birth control, beshides the moral implications and personal violations, and I wouldn't be surprised if there are laws against this (see 4) 6. He started dating you when you were 16, depending where you are. You may have been below age of consent. This could have been seen as grooming, pedophilia and rape (look, there's that word again).
It sounds like your boyfriend is incredibly manipulative and inconsiderate of your wants and needs, and that's before you take into consideration things like the possible rape, grooming and gods knows what else. He's putting you in situations you are not ready for and more importantly it IS YOUR BODY YOUR RIGHTS YOUR RULES.
Lets assume the worst and he gets you pregnant, then what? Will he force you to give up your education/work/career? Will you have to be a SAHM? Can your boyfriend provide a stable (financially, emotionally and everything else) home? Will he be out every night with his mates as hes still 'young'? And what will make him stop at one kid? When do you go from being a girlfriend to a baby making machine?
Unless you can genuinely say you want to be a mum at 20 and your happy with all of the above and more, you need to get out now and press every charge under the sun that you can.
Finally, i just want to say, My dad had my youngest sister in his 40s (saddly he passed just before she turned 18) but my point is to have a kid in your mid/late 30s/early 40s means your kid is going to be a grown adult by the time your 60. Not exactly old and still well below any government retirement ages. I dont get what the hell your boyfriend is on to claim you have to be in your 20s to avoid raising a kid when your old.
A boy like as in a child?
You never said it’s someone new, but still doesn’t mean anything just from that. Literally just talk to him instead of building up concern in your head.
It’s not. I meant I’m worried I won’t meet someone I feel enthusiastic about. That’s it.
This is honestly bizarre.
As a very adventurous undergrad, I 100% used to hide Xanax in other bottles like Benadryl.
I'd leave the fiancé at home. This is a VERY delicate situation.
Best of luck, OP.
What's her number?
Valid reasons, but my thing is that she will already know by the time the banquet rolls around, which is the next day.
Another well meaning woman thinking she can fix a man, or that he will suddenly change for her…. Sweetheart this is him. You can't change or fix him. If the day comes where he suddenly becomes a responsible adult, it will be because he decided to do it for himself or because he lost something he values, it will not have nothing to do with anything a woman says or wants.
You getting downvoted is so funny. This sub is weird. I do the same thing too.
It is a “better to be safe than sorry” situation. Op should not take it personal.
You’ve been dating 2 weeks. You were iffy and don’t think you should’ve agreed to be his girlfriend.
Now you’re expecting constant contact while he’s away. And your go to response is to block him on almost every platform.
Are you bring irrational? Yes. Also oddly insecure about someone you suggest you’re not really in to.
Now, is he worth the stress you’re putting yourself through? No.
Deep breath. Unblock him. Let him do what he does. You do you. When you’re face to face again have a calm conversation about expectations or end things.
You're not a child you are in control of your behavior. Like others said already act professional ffs
Regardless of what he's doing, you should always remain professional. You do not want to get involved with a marriage it will also ruin your career. You're young focus don't fck up your future bc a cute doctor makes eyes at you ?
Time to get a new boyfriend!
I think a lot of people cheat and that's obviously bad, and up to you if you want a relationship where you can see other people. The fact he thinks it's different for him than for you is a huuuuge issue. As is him saying he woukd probably cheat on you 3 times if you got pregnant.
A decade is a long time to be with someone and leaving is very naked but you deserve a lot better than that. 30 is young you have plenty of time to find someone who appreciates you
The bar is below the continental plate.
Thanks man
Thanks, this seems like good advice.
They were together for 2 years; he failed to mention it to you. She went from him to his best friend; she broke his heart, and the breakup was bad, but his best friend, knowing it was a bad breakup, still jumped on her. Now all of them are close friends, and you are the last to know? VERY STRANGE FRIENDSHIP.
“but he’s always talking about how fun and beautiful she is”
Your boyfriend is still not over her, and she is still all over him.
If I were you, I would make sure he had no contact with her. I would tell him not to hang out with this specific friend; he can have guys' time. But not on a double date, because you are not comfortable being around her and you are disrespected by her. If he can't do that, you will leave, because this girl will always be around, and it's only a matter of time before they find their time for reminiscing about the past.
Yeah how is this even an issue. Just throw on a t shirt for fucks sake.
But do you think the lie is justified? I'm just truly torn, I don't think he meant harm but I'm terrified about other things I may not know. I'm spiraling
I dated a girl for 3 months last year. She made a bunch of horrible comments after ghosting me (blaming me). I found out she was meeting up with somebody else and I moved on. We met again at the Christmas party.. and guess who decides to slide back into my DMs about still having feelings and admits they had commitment issues etc..
Honestly.. fuck those people. You deserve better. Don't go back there. They didn't give a shit then and they won't when the next bit of fun comes along.
Ditch the girlfriend, keep caring for your sister like a brother does. You are a great brother. Your girlfriend is mentally a 5 year old with the body of 22 year old. She is simply too immature to deal with adult responsibilities. That she does not recognize that you are a great caring guy is just a shame. You deserve so much better. You will find the right girlfriend.
This sounds really scary. If y’all want to do consent play, rough sex, or BDSM, it’s good to discuss it beforehand, make sure you both know what you’re okay with and what’s off limits, and to have a safeword.
Of all the people to be close friends with you found an 18 year old female that you can relate to with no attraction. No one buying that not even your GF. You’re better moving home if you’re going to pursue this.
A lot to unpack here. I think it would be reasonable to not want you hanging out alone with another girl that much, but since you're gf's brother is there, then I don't really get it.
But then – Why are you wanting to hang out with a teenager so often? It's kinda weird, bruh.
You’re 22. If you’re not comfortable dealing with the trauma that comes with a partner grieving the death of a former partner, you don’t have to. It’s not something that’s going to go away, so if you can’t see yourself coming to terms with this part of her life then it’s ok to move on.
Yeah given all the details, I think you’re reasonable to feel uncomfortable. If it was just a long ago teenage hookup and they’ve been truly platonic ever since, I’d lean towards letting her go without complaint. But I’d say the way he’s acting is disrespectful to your relationship, and that some of his actions seem like subtle power plays against you. Like telling her in front of you that he wouldn’t have let her come if he was in your position, basically saying that he’s a threat to your relationship, and then giving her a forehead kiss. That seems like the sort of thing one gender does that the same gender picks up on, but the other doesn’t or chooses ignore. Sort of like how some women report noticing subtle advances or power plays that other women do to their boyfriends, but the boyfriends don’t appreciate.
Ideally she’d shut down his advances, but it seems like she hasn’t done that. If I was in your position I’d probably (rightly or wrongly) tell her that you find the situation disrespectful both from him and from her not shutting it down, give some examples (eg telling her that he wishes she was his date), and say that you don’t think she’d like it if the shoe was on the other foot. I wouldn’t forbid her to go or anything bc I’m not comfortable doing that, but I’d definitely take into account how she handles the situation. She’s a person free to do what she wants, but her actions have consequences. And those consequences can include you losing trust/confidence in your relationship, or even ending it.
by sending your ex-husband money?
This. Life is too short to be strung along by someone who just wants to not be alone when you want more.
Dude trust me, drop the hammer and divorce her now. She basically wants to make you try to brainwash yourself.
You’re definitely going to be jealous while she’s in an environment where she’s surrounded almost entirely by men and where, historically, the likelihood of sexual advances of some kind by at least one of those men is pretty high. And she’s gonna be working at Twin Peaks before that. This is gonna be tough for you to deal with.
So your gf goes on a date with her ex and even he thought it was super wierd. Then she also brought him up to you in a conversation. Why would she do this? This smells like some highly manipulative or wierd behavior to me. On top of that she lied about seeing him.
This whole issue also is not about if she is over him or not. This whole issue is about respect towards you and she clearly disrespected you on several levels just in this short story.
I honeslty can't give you any other advice as to dump her asap. Her ex sounds as a down to earth nice guy from the little information you give, maybe he would be a good friend…
What does she bring to your life?
What does she do to make you smile when you think of her?
How does she make you feel enriched? Happy? Glad to be alive?
If you can’t answer any of these then she’s no good.
It sounds like the whole relationship is based on what SHE wants and needs.
Sounds like she doesn’t give a duck about you.
If it was your bestie, or your brother or sister writing this, what would you advise them to do? Would you say “oh stay, it may get better one day. Give her another year of your life to make sure”.
Or would you say “she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care for you. She prioritises everyone else over you and doesn’t give a shit that she’s hurting you because she doesn’t care enough to wonder if she’s hurting you. You are nobody to her”
You say you haven’t anyone else in your life so you don’t want to break up. Sorry but you sound really lonely with her in your life because she’s not there for you. How is that any better?
“I will admit, honestly, I’m not very sexually attracted to him.”
What the fuck? You really think this is an acceptable thing to do to someone? Your “condition” is entirely disingenuous and you’ve just admitted it. He shouldn’t be touching you without your consent, but this is manipulative AF on your part. And cruel.
All you’ve accomplished is proving once again why “no sex until marriage” is a massive red flag 99 percent of the time
I’m calling BS and if it’s real Y’all shouldn’t get married… no sex for 3 years, that’s just wild. I’m sure my guy is seeing some cuties on the side because that’s insane.
It seems to only happen 3 times, once when we were shopping , and then these times. I told him last time that he doesn’t get to speak to me like that but I’m going to be more harsh . But I suppose it is true, I just don’t know where from my side other than the belittling
Arguing a girl into having sex with you… Has that ever worked for anyone?
What u mean? She cooks lunch & dinner for him & is there 5 nights a week at least.
I'm a women considering Men are genetically stronger a slap isn't gonna hurt him
Disgusting. You are one of these people who probably also believe men can't get raped.
Lol he’s not being supportive enough to get a cheap studio place if you want privacy?
Honestly, it’s not your place. Yes, she deserves to know, but you have nothing to do with it except have a second hand account of something that happened before you were “official.”
These things have a way of coming out on their own, and you’re going to look like the bad guy in this situation.
Just remember you only have a second hand account of it.
my whole body is telling me to GTFO from this.
Yup. Trust your gut, dude.
however to expand on this: be sure that this work friend doesn’t have feelings for ur girlfriend. he might get the wrong idea even if she has absolutely no feelings or intentions towards him
You're not too sensitive, he's too critical. He's trying to beat down your self-esteem.
The problem is that your entire premise requires ignoring the reason she married him and put up with his BS. She didn't know he was a good man at heart, she didn't care because that's not what her and her kid needed. That's it. No deep meaning.
Sure things changed as the series went on and the characters grew, but that doesn't retroactively change how things started.