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Yup, doesn’t make any sense. And who’s to say they wouldn’t lie to you, to protect her. You made the right choice. It’s a naked one but a right one. Good luck.
There is no reason to tolerate this. If it were me I would walk away. A primary killer of romantic relationships is disdain. If he cannot treat you with the bare minimum of respect- just walk. You will never unhear this. Your heart knows he was deliberately insulting you and then tried to gaslight you about it. Trust is gone. Those words will just continue to echo in your mind because they are evidence that there is something wrong with this relationship. It wouldn’t have been so hurtful except that he probably isn’t showing enough love for you even before this happened. Sounds like your gut is telling you he doesn’t really respect or adore you.
A long time ago my boyfriend was “honest” with me. His assessment of my looks was insulting. He expected me to just be happy that he was “honest “ with me. It took me a while to realize he was never good enough for me and on some level he knew it. He used every opportunity to tear down my self worth so I would feel grateful for him. I am a loving person- I was already grateful to be loved. His shitty behavior just proved to me that he didn’t deserve me. Walk away- you can do much better than his shitty “love”.
You say no
Explain to me how it’s any different than kissing another guy to you?
She’s more than welcome to experiment but you’d be a moron to stick around
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
In previous posts I described an event where I walked in on my wife of 1.5 years with another man at a party. She claimed she was sexually assaulted and I have tried to have find a way to believe her.
Since then, I have showed up in our relationship to support her. I have taken care of the house, our dog, surprised her with a birthday trip, and supported us financially (I am the primary breadwinner). Our intimacy and connection continued to suffer and we never seemed to find a way to find steady-state happiness again.
As the holidays came and went, I started to get concerned after noticing some jewellery I hadn’t seen before and invaded her privacy (dressing room) where I found accessory gifts totalling $2000+. I didn’t bring this up as I felt guilty for stooping to this level. But my anxiety and concern increased.
A few weeks later I left the country for a family trip and installed a security camera on the front of the house. I was trying to convince myself that nothing weird was going on without having things blow up in my face. I just wanted confirmation that she was telling me the truth and I was imagining things.
When I had asked for more answers about what had happened at the party, she became the victim. She didn’t feel that I believed her and I wanted to avoid creating a further rift between us. I know this was wrong but I was desperate for answers and clarity.
She lied about her whereabouts while I was away and didn’t sleep at our house. When I confronted her about it when I returned she lied again. I went through her things again a day or 2 later and found:
sex toys (just purchased) 6 items of lingerie (well hidden with 1 item worn) emergency contraception more gifts from the alleged abuser from the party (with his name on invoice) receipts for locations that don’t make sense
I confronted her about all this and once again I was the attacker. I had invaded her privacy to a level that threatened our relationship. She declined to tell me where she was and claimed the toys and lingerie were for me.
Since then we have pushed all this below the surface to a degree:
gone to counselling individually and together she got on antidepressants we are focusing on tasks around the house and day-day life
We aren’t talking about what happened. The marriage counsellor wants me to “take a risk” and trust her. She is very fragile. She is depressed. But continuing to move in this direction feels disingenuous to how I’m feeling.
Should this be a very hot line for me?
Or
Is now a time to practice patience and care for my partner and what she is going through?