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Model from: de
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Manipulation doesn’t have to be that aware. I get that you related because I too have been very toxic and manipulative, but the fact some of us realise and try to fix ourselves doesn’t mean others want that. And even if they can, which a lot don’t, you also know you weren’t able to break out of those patterns during some time, the wife might not be at a point in which she can actually make any changes and meanwhile you are contributing to OP being guilt-tripped into having to actively support someone who is treating them badly while shutting down their own needs.
This is a major red flag. She kissed somebody back and then lied to you that she didn’t. You’re not making it a big deal, it is a big deal!