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Your wife is isolating you and it is working. She is nuts and you need to run for your life.
Yo. That is a glaring red flag.
Does she also try to isolate you from friends and family?
He had major trust issues. Why do you ask?
Wife, I ask because your H's abandonment fear — as well as his anger issues — may be due to his having very weak control over his own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills he had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. As u/bananayello states above, your H may have “no control over his emotions” in certain situations. If that is an issue for your H, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing him rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because he also uses B-W thinking in judging HIMSELF, he would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in his mind, he is “all bad.” He thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view himself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate his “victim” status, he would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend himself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see him expressing his anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. He usually gets along fine with them. Rather, his temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you or his parents).
Third, you are convinced he truly loves you. But you often see him flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you), frequently making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells.” Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
Wife, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags (starting about 6 months into your relationship)?
“didn't tell my wife until about 2 years ago.” How long have you known your wife? If shes's willing to work things out after that truth bomb, then gasp onto that bit of hope.
Let HER incur the debt and the loss.
It's not a guy thing – it's a person thing. People don't usually move on that quickly after a long relationship unless they've either been checked out for a while already, or they didn't care as much as they said they did in the first place, which is effectively the same as being checked out.
One thing to bear in mind is that new connections, especially exciting ones like romantic/sexual interests, can make us behave impulsively and can also make us feel better temporarily, so it's possible that this new thing he's caught up in is just that – something that's making him forget how much he's hurt/suffered the last year.
None of this means that he has or has not gotten over you and moved on from your relationship, but given his attitude, I wouldn't hold out hope that he's going to come back to you. It's entirely possible that he said all of that stuff to try and let you down gently and avoid a big fight – you did say that the relationship got pretty toxic and went south, after all.
Continue to focus on yourself and just take life as it comes. Odds are you'll find someone much better suited for you.
Does she have a career or job? Where is she getting the time and money to take all this time off to go?
How many birthday or other events have you gone to in 2022? How many total days off did you have to take?
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u/AlarmedFlounder6890 I agree, it was so direct and right in my face so I reacted. Nothing in the past has made me question the relationship and I'd like to think our communication is transparent and open.
I don’t even know if I have any proof that he abused me at this point let alone being able to prove I’m innocent. I got rid of everything that had to do with him the second I was safe.
Im not going to say we didnt have arguments and stuff like that and i had just gotten off of a underway with the navy during that time but no argument was that detrimental like we broke up or to have sex and to take it a step farther and get pregnant and not even have the respect enough to tell me
This would be really selfish of you. I would be pissed if I was Mitch and Nora. He gave you advance notice of his plan and now you are trying to steal it. It doesn’t even sound like you really want to propose…
Propose to her at the end of the year, let the other couple have their moment. HOWEVER, do warn Mitch about whats going on, because if shit somehow hits the fan he should be fully ready. In addition, after he proposes, Nora should also be informed of whats going on, for the same reason.
Christ on a bike.
You absolutely need better communication and need to say “if you haven’t worked with me to come up with a plan by (pick a date) I’m going to assume I’m on my own and will plan accordingly.
You were frustrated with his lack of planning and you just planned something with other people without his input? Not cool.
Op says she didnt know anything about the ex before this, only that her husband and the ex broke up before she (op) met him. Its very possible she didnt know how much younger the ex was. Id absolutely be shocked and disgusted to find out my partner dated a minor while in his 30s, and then got her pregnant. Also as someone pointed out, for a teenager/18yr old to not ask for help/child support from the father must mean the break up was really as bad as she says. I can understand why Op’s head is spinning and she needs time to herself to process not only the fact that her husband has a child, but also reevaluate the kind of person that he is
For the future. You don’t need naked evidence to break up with someone.
You can just do it because you don’t like being with them anymore.
Just know he might try to love bomb you and worm his way back in. Block him, don’t accept anything from him, don’t let him if he comes to your door.
You’re doing the right thing
Lol dude is trying to tell us that his culture and/or country it’s not seen as expected to get married after a long time. Bro, your gf just forced you into checkmate about this. Don’t try to bs is regardless of whatever county you come from. I have not encountered a country where marriage or it’s equivalent wasn’t expected after a while. You have just been avoiding it because you are terrified or some such nonsense. Be a man and make a decision. Stay with her or let her find a new dude who will give her what you can’t. I guarantee this was not the first you’ve heard her wanting to get married so you can also stop acting like you got blindsided by this.
That isn't an excuse for behaving like he does. I'm the first and only woman my husband was ever with. And he was so eager and willing to learn, he never was selfish in the bedroom.
So your partner either puts in some effort to make sex more enjoyable, or he might not be the one to stay with forever.
Not everyone is a good test taker but you tested a 39 year old ????get out and do better, you have already wasted about 120 days loooooollllll
first, if you can’t tell if you’re orgasming, you are not orgasming. orgasms are very distinct— it feels like your vagina is clenching and unclenching in blissful waves. he should be able to feel when you’re orgasming too- but not always.
second, next time he asks you during sex, say “I asked you to stop asking me that”, stand up, and leave. men are like children, they need consequences for their actions. if he can’t see things from your perspective then he’ll have to experience a consequence.
He is thinking that this is a very appropriate way of breaking the ice when he finally asks you out. It is not.
Dating long distance for four years? How many times have you met in person and for how long?
I will say that the plans ARE often vague (i.e. “I'll come over when I'm done with this job), but the vagueness is due to his schedule and the way his jobs are lined up (he's a handyman, so sometimes things take longer than expected). My expectation is that if the job takes longer or if something comes up, to get a call or a text informing me, not just being blown off.
For the phone calls, in the past he's called it a “turn of phrase” to tell someone you'll call them in 5 minutes, but everyone I've talked to about the situation has never heard of it and thinks it's weird.
Hey OP, does your family always favor your sister over you? Because this is some golden child-scapegoat bullshit.
Either way, they're using you as an emotional punching bag because they're upset about your sister's abuse. When I say that, I don't mean that they lashed out at the closest target while under extreme stress. If that was the case, they would have calmed down eventually and apologized. What they are actually doing is deliberately using you as a dumping ground for all their negative emotions they're feeling right now. It's a lot easier than directing it at the actual culprit, who is physically violent. But you? Your family believes that you will roll over and show your belly for kicking. And honestly? You're kinda meeting that expectation.
Think about how you ended your post. “I really need help explaining why my sisters husband is what he is. I feel so guilty.” None of this situation is your fault. You KNOW this situation isn't your fault. But the torrent of abuse that your family has dumped on your head has spun your head around, and now you're doubting obvious facts. Humans are social animals–we're influenced by the people around us. Our families, who should be one of our biggest source of strength and support, are some of the biggest influencers on our lives. So you naturally look to your family for guidance, but your family has twisted that privilege into a weapon to use against you.
They're giving you the silent treatment for the same reason the mean girl clique in high school gave their targets the silent treatment: they want to see you grovel. You're supposed to come crawling back, begging for forgiveness, just for an ounce of attention. By abasing yourself, you will make your family feel better about themselves. It's very cathartic to pour out futile rage on a target without ever having to fear a backlash. Plus, for some people it's comforting to have someone to look down on when their miserable. “As bad as things are for me, at least I'm not THAT asshole!” These are very, very shitty and unhealthy methods of dealing with negative emotions, but unfortunately, your family's behavior fits the profile.
So how do you deal with it? You don't. Don't claw at the door, begging to be let back in. I know this must hurt so, so much, but you will put yourself through much more pain if you do. Over time, the pain of the split will start to fade, and you will feel better and better without anyone dumping their cruelty on you. So block your family and don't look back. Also, look for a good therapist (this can take a while tbh) to help you cope with this miserable situation and sort through the emotional fallout.
I think we’re just going to see this differently. I have felt like OP before (although I’m a man), so maybe I am empathizing too much. But what she’s describing is a very real emotional response to what she’s perceiving as rejection from her husband. I’m not saying that her read of the situation is correct, objectively. But it’s clearly how she feels. I don’t agree with dismissing that as egotistical.
Gross, gross, gross. She said no. Leave her alone.
check the dates in the individual files. Are the photos taken from the vantage point that the person knew he took them? Y’all do not tell each other everything obviously. You can’t trust a liar or someone who hides such things from you. Your best bet is to contact the new landlord and get your name off that lease and leave this man
Neither of you are British if you can't work out a way to settle this. Nothing you talk about in your post is British.
How many cups of tea do you both drink? What do you say to people who cut a queue? When you see a queue, do you have to fight yourself to join it? Jam or cream first on a scone? When you are being sincere, does it sound like sarcasm? If someone asks “you alright?” do you tell them how you are?
Downvoting this because you need to grow a damn spine
Such a good Christian ?
She doesn't owe you a thing. Move on, she's not interested. Oh, and LEAVE HER ALONE.
He asked you which you care about more, and you said him. Then he explicitly told you that he cares more about the clothes you wear than you as a person. That’s your answer. He cares about your clothes more than you, and that’s not okay.
I am aware it is wrong but I am trying to give the full picture and the thought process behind my decisions. Not trying to use it as an excuse. I am again saying I know I was wrong and will work my hardest to rectify the issue, she is aware of this too. I took it too lightly because I couldn't understand why it was important to her.
He didn’t waste any time, did he? Flew right from your bed to hers during those two weeks. Personally, I’d make him an EX boyfriend.
Well if that's the threshold for being horrified. Boy do I have news for you.
My husband and I have competitions on who can go the loudest. It’s a bodily function and there is really nothing you can do but fan, radio, and running water may make you feel better about it. Maybe putting a towel at the bottom of the door may also help muffle the sound.
why would she worry about your safety? were you in a dangerous situation?
when you say it almost turned physical – who almost did what?