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No not a red flag. People have sexual fantasies. As long as she doesn’t act on it it’s fine. And who knows you both may one day be into the stag vixen life
And? Why is that bad?
Sounds like he’s just not that into you
Idont want reply to actual creep who didn't bother himself read my post Also I legit look 15 even if we walk on street no one will see pedo with girl
Definitely. And also, you claim your husband says sex work is demeaning and degrading to women, and he feels so bad for them. The fact that he keeps loaning thousands to his obese friend so that he can keep paying sex workers determines that that, is a lie. You have some serious things to think about here. You really need to have a serious discussion and ask if he has ever engaged a sex worker, why he supports his friend engaging a sex worker, and the full honest truth of last night. No more trickle truth, no more saying one thing and then correcting it later.
Tell him if he ever loved you, if he ever cared about you, if he ever respected you, he will tell the truth, and the full truth. You deserves answers. And if he is truly honest and forthcoming, only then can you move forward with the relationship
Something new. Because the only parties who matter here are the two of you, and you both like the new name.
Honestly, take the parents out of the equation because it isn't their name nor their marriage so they need not be concerned about this matter.
Secondly, what is MOST important to you out of all the pros and cons that you've listed ? What culture are you from ?
How many times must you be cheated on before you get that your GF is serial cheater? She won't ever stop doing cheating as well because she is likely beyond repair. STOP wasting more time on this girl , you wasted 7 years and you are ready to waste more? You are 35 dude , stop wasting time on people that lie and betray you over and over.
Divorce and give her the kids. Seriously been 9 years and now she says something?
The dog should have been put down after the second dog it killed.
This is why I would prefer a GF that doesn't get black out drunk
You don’t want to risk experiencing any side effects associated with birth control but you are willing to risk an unwanted pregnancy? Not to mention how stupid it is to have sex without a condom with someone you are not exclusive with (hello STDs).
Lol.. My God these comments are mind blowing. People here actually condone what she's doing? Your house isn't a fuckin hotel for goodness sake. You are friends with her, you offered to mitigate her pain and loneliness by extending your company to her. The VERY LEAST she can do is contribute to the household chores. Nothing less is acceptable. This isn't a retreat or rehab centre for her. She came for company, not to “recover”.
She's selfish. Plain and simple. She's ignorant and she's a horrible user. Doesn't take much to see why the ex probably broke up with her.
Tell her you feel taken advantage of. Tell her that you are also on a holiday season relaxed mode and as such you don't want to be picking up after her like a child. People need to stop this tiptoeing around issues because they fester and become resentment. If she wants to on-line like a vagrant without cleaning or cooking for herself, let her go back to her shitty place. This is unacceptable.
Flat hunting is different to just moving in with a stranger.
Also, I would tell people around me whom I'm with and where I am. For safety reasons.
It sounds sexist, but men are muuuuuch more likely to be a danger to women In such a situation than other women are.
So the least you should do is let other people know. Especially your significant other.
Girl, don’t waste your precious life on this foolishness.
I’m sure there would be easier ways
Hey sounds like you’ve found a real winner, always helps a guy with wondering eye to know you will literally put all his bad behavior on you.
You are upset about her answer to a hypothetical question? About a situation that did not actually happen? It sounds to me like her answer was more about her distress with her mental health and her job than it was about your relationship. I think you're reading way too much into the conversation you overheard.
Would you choose crushing depression, anxiety, and stress in order to have a relationship with her? She's not happy, but she's not happy because of you.
Cut her some slack and stop listening to her private conversations.
Lol you ruined your relationship for a “hypothetical suggestions” to make really cheap feet pic money. $5? Girl, idk maybe I just have pretty feet but I’ve been offered $100 a pic. Man knew where his prioritizes were and told you explicitly where is boundaries were. Good for him, maybe don’t be selfish next time.
Then you’ll also have to imagine yourself not a wife or a parent. Which one is more important
He chose to cheat on you with your Mom. Why are you still talking to him four years later? You should have blocked him immediately.
Boy, you are 26. I don't know where outside pressure is coming from to settle down but relax. This isn't even your final form. You have several left.
I agree, especially about changing all his contact info.
Where did he on-line before has he moved out? If he lived with parents its not weird he wants to sleep with you. You need to talk to him about it if he is living with you then he should contribute if not he needs to go home.,
She's not mature enough to be in a relationship with a caregiver. What she said is messed up.
Not an idiot is the keyword. This woman is trusting an instagram account who invited her without a husband or anyone. It's one thing to go alone and learn street smarts and safety. A horse of a different color to agree to meet up with some guy you can't even verify.
Find someone better.
You said that he had a crush on her before you got together. She's a person with a mind, not an object to be claimed. Try talking to her about it? Her behaviour and what she says are the only things that ought to affect whether you stay in the relationship with her.
What would she rather you do, not change the diaper and leave your sister in a shitty diaper all day?
Let's read this again: “my girlfriend is accusing me of incest while changing my DISABLED sister's diaper and is refusing to discuss this like adults and I'm wondering if I'm the problem” umm first off NO You are NOT incestuous, nasty, or “a sicko” your gf is an immature, uneducated child who needs to learn to get over herself, stop being nasty against the disabled and their family's ways, and needs to grow up and realize shes an awful person. My advice- ignore the child who did you a favor. Just let her go and tell the story of “oh I dumped my boyfriend because he was changing his disabled sister's diaper and I think he secretly loves incest” and when one of her friends points out “the sister is disabled, is she supposed to sit in a dirty diaper all day when her brother is there and can change it? And instead you want her to sit in her own feces? How would you feel if that was your sister?” And then princess gf would realize how dumb she truly is.
I’d like to put a name to that method. It’s called the “I feel” statement and is considered one of the best ways to discuss difficult topics without accusations.
Basically “when (action) I feel (your reaction)”
So an example: “when I see you and person with her kids, I feel like that is everything you want and that I can’t give you. I know that you are faithful and that you value our marriage, but it hurts me seeing you in this perfect family situation and I’m on the outside.”
Perfect answer
It's less about how he should let her decide, and more about how he shouldn't leave without making her part of the process. She doesn't get the final say, but she should definitely be included in the conversation to at least hear his honest reasons and speak her mind.
Leaving her out of the decision is totally within his right, but it's not respectful or considerate. Given that his stated goal is to go about this in a way that saves her from pain, it makes total sense that people would advise him to let her in on the conversation.
I’ll just say this. I have a lot more years on the planet and things never went better when I ignored my gut. But. I hope you have at least talked about this. It’s still a really new relationship and it seems too soon to feel this unwanted. Sex matters. So. Sit down for a talk. Say…It’s been 9 months and I really care about you. I’m getting the feeling that you aren’t very interested in me sexually. It’s important to me that I feel desired and I’m not really feeling that way. Then listen.
Oh, that aint bad then ?
Please OP, do NOT get married to this guy. He seems to be looking for a maid, not an equal partner.
Leave the guy and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
You are a perfect candidate for therapy.
You want to be a good person. You don’t want to hurt your gf. And you don’t know what steps to take, how to get there.
Get an appointment with a therapist.
Consider telling your gf that moving in together has to be out in hold because you’ve got some inner turmoil you want to work out. She may end things altogether (who could blame her), but with you having these doubts, it would be disingenuous of you to move in together.
Good luck.
How long was she gone for?
I'm just an internet stranger riofish2210, and you can do whatever you want. But I'll be straight with you and give you the same advice that I would give a close friend.
Walk away from this woman and go no contact with her. There is no alternative universe in the infinity of the metaverse in which staying with her doesn't blowup and hurt you badly.
Its also important for your long-term recovery that you break up with her. It hurts so much more to be dumped.
Right now your girlfriend might sound and act like she wants to work things out because she doesn't want to be dumped for cheating on you. That's a double whammy for her. Getting dumped. And getting dumped for cheating.
But if you decide to stay together and work things out, when can dump you in 6 months when one of the other guys she's cheating on you with becomes available. Then she gets to dump you for being controlling and clingy. In that scenario her cheating wasn't so bad. It was the natural consequence of being tied to a controlling and clingy boyfriend.
Its your life and you can do whatever you want. I hope you make the right choice. Good luck to you.
A boy who eats take out rather than cooking for himself isn't ready for independent living. Moreover, OP cleans up HIS mess every day.
If he doesn't do the dishes then he can trade it out for another task he will do.
Honestly- I think you should get therapy. Specifically, therapy focused on mindfulness, which is sometimes called CBT.
The basic principle of mindfulness is that rather than just do what comes naturally, you consciously think about what you are doing, what you are saying, and even what you are feeling. By applying conscious thought to things, you can make better decisions and overall be happier.
For example when you talk to him you feel mad or aggravated. But, stop and think about that. Are you mad at him? At something he said or did? Or are you mad at something else and he's just the one in front of you? I'd offer that perhaps you are mad at the situation, you are mad that you have a face on a phone rather than a warm body that you can hug and kiss and go on a date with. You are mad that he's not with you. You're hating the way that makes you feel, and that bad feeling feels almost like an attack that you must get riled up to defend yourself from (in an old brain sort of way, like 'there's a predator I have to get worked up to defend myself from it').
That's just my quick 2c. But mindfulness and therapy helps you track that sort of thing down.
I am starting to be less surprised about people not knowing their partners at all and getting blindsided by their behaviour AFTER marriage. It seems to be a recurrent situation on reddit.
I married her after dating for 2 days, now I found out she is a cannibal *insert shocked pikachu face here*
if he wants an open relationship, then you two need to sit down and discuss terms. If you're not ok with him talking to other women even as just a fantasy, you need to set boundaries, and encourage him to do the same. Marriage is all about compromise and clear expectations on both ends.
OP,
Honestly nobody knows why he did. If you actually had a good relationship with him before, maybe he thought seeing you that you both did not know how to approach each other. So he took matters into his own hands and approached you.
Its not a bad thing to be able to be civil and talk to and ex's parent. Hell I was 1000 miles away from my home town. Was in the airport getting ready for my next flight waiting and my first ex girlfriends mom approached me and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. I introduced her to my wife and we chatted until the flight was boarding, yes same flight to same location.
When I was dating her daughter, we were able to talk and have some good conversations. Just because her daughter and I moved on doesn't mean I cannot be friendly to her mom. Trust me it was weird, but it happened.
Let’s see. A new friend, I would probably either just wait to see til they reached out, or maybe hit them with “hey, howre you doing” ?
More painful than….having an actual wedding?
Because if so, find a compromise. Maybe something smaller like 50-100 guests. Or a destination wedding with even less guests but still special, the white dress, etc.
I feel like you’re not entertaining her feelings on the matter and just want it your way, period. For a lot of us ladies, we grew up dreaming about a wedding—not marriage. The latter only happens once you’ve actually found a life partner. And there’s usually pressure from family to have an actual wedding as well. I would have been fine just having a kick ass reception and get married at the courthouse but our families were not going to be okay with that.
I think she's a catholic?
I posted in the dog behavior sub, and then realized it might be more of a relationship issue vs dog training issue, so I posted here as well to get some different takes. Had to also make a separate throwaway account to meet this subs requirements.
Definitely entitled
I didn’t even consider that maybe he has a girlfriend or something
I know, trying to make him opening up with me it's the eternal challenge of this relationship to be honest. I am tired of the effort and I bet he's tired of having me ask more and more all the time. But I just don't know how to explain that I don't want “more” I just want a different approach.
I don't need to feel safe I need to be listened to that's it
No massagr parlor happy ending etc.
If you paid for them they are yours. He is a thief
They are your games. If he wants to be like that I would box up the games he hardly plays.
What clarification do you want?
Is this casual sex, FWB, or is she looking for a relationship? I am in the dark here and swimming in the deep end of the pool. We talked for a couple of hours over dinner and a little at my house but nothing about what I am wondering about now.
If the man was doing his own sexual rehab with abstinence (if there is a porn addiction) and therapy, I could see a loving partner helping them through this process. Of course men don't get to work out their sexual issues on women unequivocally, that sounds really fucked up, but I've had partners help me through things sexually that I couldn't have done on my own. If the man is honest about his shortcomings, genuinely working on his issues, I could see having a therapy plan that involved healthy sex with a partner.
My first thought too. She’s not living in reality.
Hope she isn't having some sort of postpartum psychosis and actually thinks the fictional character is real.
Ex-boyfriend you mean?
Lol. What? You feel traumatized and feel wronged? You are taking advantage of your parents', specifically your mother's, finances. You have zero respect for the help she's been giving you, and you have the nerve to take more money for a doctor's appointment right before you are going to confront her about her behavior. She's right. What you are doing is not okay. You are the one that should be cut off. She needs to set a hard boundary with you, and she should have done it a long time ago. Grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Apologize to your parents for your behavior.