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But thanks alot for your insight anyway, it's highly appreciated!
Sometimes it can be really nude to imagine your life without someone who has been a part of it for a long time, no matter how much they’ve hurt you. Maybe the idea of staying friends is even mitigating the pain of the ending of the marriage?
I understand that you want to preserve the friendship but I think, right now, you need to focus on ending this relationship as quickly and easily as possible and taking care of yourself.
Maybe you will manage to remain friends, or become friends again at some future time, but right now she hasn’t been a very good friend to you and you need to face and accept that.
I wish you the best of luck.
Idk maybe you two should make your own? Not really curing anything, just watching yourselves.
Assault? Huh? She's asking you to do it!
Nah just walk bro , she lied and went to their house , either she testing the waters to see what you will tolerate and if you stay with her then she knows she can cheat or she just cheated…. Either way for me is the same end result , leaving
You are both just too different , she can seperate sex and love , can sex others and not feel bad , you on the other hand can't….. Just leave otherwise you are still going to be hurt just take a bit longer that's all
3 years is long enough to know you two are not compatible. She hasn’t tried to get help and uses it to make you feel bad for her. Sounds like she’s manipulating you. Physical touch and intimacy are important for your mental health, why does only hers count?
Some ppl are emotionally dumb ?
I am very sorry for the psychic grenade that exploded in your lap. I think you need serious time with a psychologist or counselor so you can articulate these feelings that to me, are legitimate responses to these events.
Separate sessions with your husband too, because he held key perceptions back from being shared with you and friends don't do that.
Your um, family members are going to do what they are going to do. I know I would question my parenting skills (I've raised two young adults) rightly or wrongly if this happened to me. I guess one positive is that each has been covering for the others and that is a sign of loyalty. At the same time, lack of respect for both parents as people is troubling. This is complicated indeed.
I hope you are able to make peace with this eventually and that your whole family grows through it.
Mate, what on earth are you talking about? All I'm asking for is some discussion with your partner about NYE plans (which is usually a “couples” holiday)? She declared to me a month ago what her NYE plans were, so I'm not going to tell her “No, change them for me please”. I'm not going to ask someone to change their behaviour, but that doesn't mean I have to stick around and accept it.
I also don't know how on earth you inferred the last two points: I have no problem not seeing her for extended period of time or her going to see her family; it's simply the issue around NYE/NYD! Jheez
First of all, fuuuuuck that shelter. This sort of crap is why animals get rehomed until they're unadoptable. Rule 1 is never strongarm people into adopting more pets than they can handle or it ends up hurting the people AND the animals. If not for the front desk lady twisting your arm that kitten would have been adopted by a family with the means to care for it by now, instead it has learned a ton of bad habits and may end up getting rehomed anyway and now it's no longer a adorable easily adoptable kitten. None of which is your fault by the way.
I think it's time for a very frank discussion about the situations with your wife and son. Just tell them point blank you no longer have the money or the time or the energy to care for all four cats, and if the two of them can't step in and pick up the slack then the most recent additions to the house may have to be rehomed. (Don't rehome your elderly cats, that would be beyond cruel. At least the young ones are likely to get adopted by someone else and haven't spent a lifetime living with you.)
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Why do you think it's acceptable to sacrifice your own happiness, to allow this mean, lazy, slob of a man to belittle, bully, and control you, every day of your life? You've only been married 5yrs, you're already tired and burnt out because of him, and this is the role model you want to be for your daughter? Just because of your religious beliefs, it does not mean you have to martyr yourself, to stay in an unhappy, and abusive marriage. To be a good mother to your child, you yourself have to be happy within, and love and respect yourself. And if that means walking away from an unhappy marriage, so be it. It shows more courage and strength to take your own road, than keep friends in your life who won't talk to you, if you leave. You deserve so much better, as does your child, and there is no shame, or guilt, in wanting to be happy. ?
Yeah, maybe you just have to slowly let your guard down. You've been used to hyper independence your whole life. And for the first time you do not feel like you have to be the caretaker and do everything for your partner. Just see for a while how this goes, how it feels.
Of course you can still do things for yourself and you can voice that. But don't be afraid to be taken care of. Without having to fend for yourself or always defend yourself with everyone screaming at you. Allow yourself to be taken care of for once.
Research where to find gold, so she can go dig there
I was friends with a couple that did that sort of thing. They had this group they'd meet with every two months, who also used to do a potluck buffet in conjunction with it.
But over time, the potluck just kinda edged out the orgy. Soon, it was mostly about meeting up, trying to impress people with your dishes, exchanging recipes, and maybe watching someone giving their partner a blowjob during the after dinner coffee and brandy.
Is there a pattern of rejection? Are you not attracted to your wife anymore after she had the kid. Are you the kind of person who needs to wind down before you get revved up? Is your wife a SAHM?
I see communication issues here and you both need to get on the same page.
I get both sides.
OP is a troll account. Posts are all over the place. Why do people engage?
Tell him he is free to find another girlfriend who is blonde. Dont destroy your hair or self esteem for anyone. For every blonde guy there is another who loves black hair, another who loves a brunette and that strange fella who loves a ginger (thats me)
Okay. Now you know. Don’t do it again. And you obviously need to really talk about where you are, where you want to be and see if you are on the same page. This shows that you were pretty oblivious to how stressed she is at work. It’s time to listen. It’s time to be very clear about how you feel and what you both are needing in this relationship.
Camera with night vision would solve the problem.
Your thanks to who? Your husband? Why not go thank him then rather than this pointless self five post.
The condoms were missing and now he spent 4k like its nothing? Girl is there anything else you are waiting to happen for you to open your eyes? It seems like you are not paying attention to reality! Wake up you know what you should do!
Yeah… sounds like he is not over her. I wouldn't get married to someone who I was second to.
Time to cut your losses. Find someone who's emotionally ready for a real relationship and will put you first.
It happens I don’t want any kids but I have bears horrible stories .. I mean I’d say be supportive and help with the child as much as possible
I'm not asking your for a picture, I actually asked you why you don't want our attention on you since you seemed to crave it so much you just had to make this post about you.
Which obviously you haven't answered… deflecting.
But I'm not explaining anymore of this to you. You know what you did, and if you have half a brain you'll stop derailing it further and accept this post is NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FACIAL HAIR.
Oh you're right i wanted to talk about miscarriages and totally forgot halfway through.
OP, you consider her pregnancy like it was her first child. What if she miscarries? Her first child is her first child. You can still have that. But if she miscarries, are you gonna think “well now i feel like my first born won't be as special because it wasn't my first pregnancy”?? That's the same reasoning
What I mean by that is that maybe your wife is feeling really insecure about a younger woman being too close to you. I’ve read most of your comments and I don’t get why you can’t see where she’s coming from.
What I mean by that is that maybe your wife is feeling really insecure about a younger woman being too close to you. I’ve read most of your comments and I don’t get why you can’t see where she’s coming from.
What I mean by that is that maybe your wife is feeling really insecure about a younger woman being too close to you. I’ve read most of your comments and I don’t get why you can’t see where she’s coming from.
I am very surprised no one is commenting on this guys wife's ridiculous definition of cheating. I really don't think this guy did much wrong. Watching 5 mins of porn is doing no one any harm really. This girl needs to chill
Even younger than 10 you have school, friends, sleep overs with other children, sports. You build tree forts, catch frogs, romp in the woods, ride bikes. I don’t know of any child (unless they are an infant) who is tethered to their parents hip, and forced to be around them 24/7. That, to me would actually be pretty bizarre and abusive rather than an ideal family. But I suppose that’s a needed element for that person to make his bogus assertion that poly parents are all narcissists and selfish and incapable of being as good of parents as mono parents.
Still makes you a tramp but ok
Okay you’re still not getting it. We’re all aware they talked about it. YOU need to stop commenting points that were implied and reiterated. Your opinion isn’t helpful, it’s common sense.
Obviously they’re going to talk about it! DUH. OBVIOUSLY if it’s a pattern that’s the time to break up. You’re annoying people by continuing to tell them to “talk about it” and communicate WHEN THEY ARE.
You're thinking of going ahead with the wedding because of how much you stand to lose financially, have you considered how much you stand to lose financially in the future if you go ahead and marry her?
Because unless she starts thinking realistically and not materialistically I don't see this one lasting…
Question! (Dwight Schrute voice)
How would you respond to someone who says “once a cheater, always a cheater”?
I made a comment on this sub before that that saying is bullshit. Humans can do shitty things and learn from them, become better people and not make the same mistakes again.
Of course I got downvoted to oblivion because everyone on Reddit is a righteous know-it-all.
I’m not freaking out and I’m not forcing anyone to change their name. Apparently me asking the question “should I make a big deal out of this?” really triggered some people and made this post into a “let’s attack OP and speculate as to her and her partner’s character”. Really just wanted to hear from people who have gone through similar situations with marriages/divorces/ex’s.
Yes, I agree with you completely.
But still, it’s very important to phrase things upon yourself.
It is much healthier for both people when you say something like “I will not date a man who hangs out with single women“
Because when someone says “you are not allowed to hang out with single women“ it leads to all sorts of issues of controlling and marches a little towards an abusive relationship. It’s just bad all around.
The two of you need quality time alone together, to reconnect.
2-3x a week is NOT low contact! I'm very close to my family, we live! in the same city, and I still don't actually see them more than once every couple of weeks.
What sort of person still smokes?
Don't give them to her OP. As someone mentioned, texts are easy to fake, and she could be a crazy ex or a vindictive acquaintance. Ultimately, the truth of the situation might not ever be known. However, the fact that she didn't know he passed 8 months ago is a huge red flag. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this op. I'm sending you so many virtual hugs
I think about that daily and it makes me sick. She has done a good job convincing me she’s the victim. She said “I just found out my favorite person in the world is a pedophile, I can’t even process how I’m not going to have my dad in my life, it’s like there’s been a death in the family, I’ve lost the idea of who my dad was, he’s my hero” then I felt bad for her because that’s a good point. It’s confuses me if I’m just insensitive or if she’s toxic, I go back and forth
Narcissists pretty regularly call themselves empaths. She’s checking a lot of the boxes.
No problem! You both are still young but it’s always good to learn new communication skills
He's been with the other girl for 6 years and ever since he's been texting me every few months for 6 YEARS. And I never replied once.
You’re probably going to get a lot of shit, but I hope you see this first:
What you’re feeling is normal. Don’t beat yourself up over feelings you can’t control. If you don’t accept this as normal and expected, it’s easy to lose perspective and get wracked with guilt and self-loathing, which can make you feel inclined towards bad decisions, because you think that you must be a terrible person for feeling this way.
Don’t get lost.
Allow yourself some grace, accept that most people feel this way at one point or another, but that none of it needs to be acted on. You don’t have to f follow through with every terrible thing that occurs to you in life, and this is no exception.
It’s important to never leave yourself any room to make bad decisions in. Don’t ever “accidentally” wind up alone, after a few drinks. Just keep acting like this will pass, and you aren’t going to make a mistake. You’ll find that it gets very easy to let it pass.
You have a lot more to lose if you move to another state. That’s incredibly unfair to you. If you have a career and a support system here- it would be too risky to give all that up. Why are you the one who has to make career sacrifices? He’s not even willing to stay stateside unless you commit to going with him? That is manipulation 100%! Just because he seems to be trying while he tries to win you back doesn’t prove that he has actually changed. Has he gone to therapy? What steps has he taken to work in himself?
Currently arguing with her and she doesn't see my point. Thanks for the advice this'll probably be the end of our relationship.
Well he’s a little immature so he made a joke with the iron man filter saying “Jarvis show me this woman’s tits” he stated that it wasn’t directly to me and that he was just repeating a meme he saw (which he does frequently)
Which ones do you want to know? ISO? Diafragma? Shutter time? Or are you more interested in the afterproduction color balance? Adjustments or sharpening etc.?
Hell I'm almost 28 and the thought of dating someone under 25 gives me the heebie jeebies, what on earth is OP on??
She did go with a bunch of friends. Any one of them could have taken the photo.
Are you asking for advice or…..?
There is a lot of value in speaking the truth.
“I need to be clear about your health and appearance. It is affecting my ability to love you. I’m willing to stick this out if I see improvement, but if you won’t fight for yourself, I’m not going to fight for you”.
Then let him make his own decisions. You’re not shallow. He stopped trying and his appearance is just the most noticeable casualty.
As someone with a father who is just like this. The more you do, the more he will take advantage of.
He won't ever change, if you have kids, he'll try to get the kids to do his share.
I think you mean his families years of exploiting other people, cause that kind of wealth doesn’t just ethically happen
Are you able to clarify – had you told him upfront that the nude modeling involves you participating in photoshoots with male models? Or did you not share that information? Or you're saying he knew you worked with male models, but this is the first time he actually saw a photoshoot?
And as I mentioned, his hand is over your naked vagina, and he's holding you in his arms with your legs wrapped around him. That's not “barely” touching.
I'm not trying to shame you for your profession; it's work. But it's, at least to me, very understandable why your boyfriend was taken aback.
As someone who had a SA I can tell you things aren’t always clear. I did tell some lies because I felt so much shame like I asked for it when I’m reality I didn’t. I told myself more lies like if I wouldn’t have been nice to them they wouldn’t have noticed me. If I would’ve dressed more modestly it wouldn’t have happened. If I wouldn’t have gone to that place it wouldn’t have happened. I blamed myself for a long time and I lied so others wouldn’t know what had happened to be and wouldn’t judge me as I was judging myself.
I’m not saying it’s the same for your gf. Just giving you a perspective from someone who was SA not once by just one person but more than once. One even told me it was my fault for not saying no before. Another said that since we’d had sex before that it was his right to have sex with me whenever he wanted even if I was incapacitated, passed out etc. I know it’s a different situation for you though.
I will go against the grain. To be honest, I see his point. You can't assume everyone will be open-minded about homosexuality when you face them to the facts. You can't force people to be open about it, you can't expect that they will positively switch to a lesbian couple once they are in front of them. I think your sister should have handled it differently. She should have talked to your parents first, she should have spent some time first to get them used to the idea instead of antagonizing them this way. This was a very bad way to do it. I feel about this subject because a lot of my entourage is also homophobic, I am totally fine with homosexuality, I have a gay brother that I love, I am all for their freedom to express their sexuality. But when it's about convincing people, changing their mind about this subject, I think we need to be patient and subtle about it, otherwise, they will just resist and block against you. What is not really clear about your husband is if he is homophobic or not. It's nude to say from what you describe. He seems a bit indifferent about it, it would be surprising that you didn't catch this trait during 8 years. Anyway, I feel this is salvageable.
Honestly speaking:
We DON'T CARE about his side of the story.
He obviously WANTED to set you up.
Even if you had come right on time, he still would have made you wait, best scenario. More likely ditched you anyhow, as obviously he was wanting to “teach you a lesson”.
OP…. that man doean't fit into your life.
That's clear to see. And he just showed you again.
Leave. As your life is now it will be more relief than real pain, I think.
You presently do have a fulfilling worklife, taking up all your hours.
In events like the death of the boy which you and your team could not prevent… a partner should be 100 % supportive.
Not just add to your stress.
You simply can't deal nor should have to deal with a partners demands right now.
With a bit of a distance you may eventually find that this man has done you a HUGE favor by pulling that crap stunt on you.
Feel hugged. Search company of people who understand an support you.
In your spare time… try to be as happy as you can. Feed your soul.
Whoever can't do that has no place in your life. And that's ok. You carry a heavy burden allready. Don't carry more than you can.
The end result was split custody. I have 50.25% and dad has the rest. The holiday isn’t with my ex but his family.
Cut your losses, this is not happening with her. If she can't even properly explain what the problem is, or offer solutions, then she's just stringing you along. She's just quietly hoping you'll go with it.
Well – sometimes people make mistakes.
This is the classic – a policeman comes into a room and there are two men in the room. One dead with a knife sticking out of his chest and the other standing over him.
What will the policeman think? Is the man a suspect or not?
The point here (irrelevant if this posting is correct or not) is how should you react to a smoking gun.
I think the important thing is to realise that in general unexpected situations can lead to a chain of thoughts that are not well thought out.
In this case a unknown unlocked phone in a bathroom (strange place). It is logical to open it and check. Now there are a few options and this is where OP had a few logic mishaps.
They are understandable – as OP is now in the same situation as the Policeman. He does not know the real story but automatically start assuming that he can deduct the whole thing. Phone in my house, owned by my wife, infidelity, life over.
But he does not know – it is all a deduction based on a unnatural situation. Still why did that happen. If the phone would have been locked OP would have just asked his wife – what phone is it in the bathroom. The problem is that when you get information that has serious emotional impact – your emotions take over and you stop thinking logically. At this point you stop thinking and start feeling.
The difference between OP and the Policeman is that even though the policeman not being emotionally involved, think the man that was alive might be the killer he is aware that there might be other explanations and he will check them. Until then the man is a suspect. OP on the other hand sees no other line then the worst possible scenario.
Soo – is OP a bad guy and the wife an angel that should punish him. No – the wife falls into the same category and does the same mistakes as OP.
OP’s wife rather then laugh at him and being sympathetic towards his illogical pain and suffering – nails down on on one issue. That he did not trust her – and does not look for any mitigating factors. She becomes emotional as well – and rather then use the chance to straighten their relationship she damage it.
Punishment because of misunderstandings is damaging for the relationship in all cases. Indeed punishment (kicking out of a bedroom) for a “lack of trust” has only one consequence – a weakening of the marriage. Indeed it is similar style as abusers do – I love you – therefor I beat you.
I think neither OP or his wife comes out of this smelling of roses. Both are immature and pone to rash conclusions and have questionable actions. I hope OP – if this story is true – you will sit down with your wife and suggest couples therapy. Both of you are clearly lacking in communication tools in a relationship. Neither of you could talk with your partner when faced with an emotional situation.
This said – most people would probably react like you did. When faced with a very emotional situation with some horrible consequences- people freeze due to fear.
Your wife’s actions is on the other hand a bit sad. Her reaction might in the future lead you to either suspect her more (why punish you when you have been punished) or a line that you will not be open with her in the future .
So a few hours of couple therapy or talk with your pastor if you are church goers might be a good idea. Marriages are long term and you need to clarify both of your emotional responses to problems in the marriage.
I cannot imagine being in a crazy religious family in a state openly hostile to homosexual relationships and rights in general, being gay, and trying to have a normal life and hold a professional career.
You'd have to keep up a facade at work and with family but always in public because people are nosy and don't mind their business. I think it that comes with the Religious zealotry. You'd have to be close and truly love a partner to be able to understand and be able to be yourself with them and only them.
It's a damn shame and I feel deeply sorry for the many people in that position.
In very religious areas the “beard” can also come under attack.
It makes sense if you look at it from the perspective that she was afraid he'd tell everyone in that area.
If you want to fix it you have to be honest about what you did. She may be willing to forgive you, she may not. But you have to let her make that choice based on honesty.
I needed to hear that. I’m grieving the friendship even more than the romance…good to know that our friendship wasn’t all fake.