He definitely is a people pleaser and has a naked time saying no.
Another way of putting it is a lack of boundaries. He does not have strong boundaries which makes it a lot easier for someone like his ex to maneuver him into a compromising situation. He doesn't want to displease her, so he doesn't cut her off. He doesn't want to displease you, so he doesn't tell you about it.
I think it is reasonable to ask that he tell you about every interaction he has with her. Just put that out there, see what he does with it. Being open with you, even if he knows you won't be happy about it, is a super important guardrail that will protect him from getting into an affair he probably doesn't even want. If she gets him alone, I have a feeling she would be happy to push him across a line that would ruin your relationship. Then he would be free for her to annex. Personally I think cutting her off completely would not be an overreaction, but I've been cheated on before so my tolerance for this nonsense is low.
Her drinking issues sound like a major problem. An alcoholic single mother is a bottomless hole of need. He has to draw naked boundaries with her and stick to them or she will take over his life, and by extension your family's life.
It is good that she wanted to meet you. It also sounds like she warned him that you wouldn't like that he isn't telling you about their conversations (“I told you”). It is deeply concerning that they openly discussed not telling you, and it was coming from him. That is definitely emotional affair territory. As well as sharing intimate details of your lives, like the pregnancy.
Couples therapy would probably help you get on the same page. He has already damaged your relationship more then either of you realize. Your trust has already been broken. This is going to pop up in your head for a long time to come, every time you don't know where he is or he does something shady. Your resentment is growing. It would be an irreparable mistake to break your trust any further. As they say, trust is gained in spoonfuls and lost in buckets. He needs to hear that and really face it before he makes mistakes that permanently change all of your lives.
Overall he sounds like a decent guy trying to do the right thing and slowly going over a cliff. I wish you both all the best finding your way out of this. And congrats on the pregnancy! Maybe it bring more joy than exhaustion into your life.
Jesus at what point do you actually sit down and take these comments to heart
this is what happens when people don’t hang out in person and their entire relationship is remote
He definitely is a people pleaser and has a naked time saying no.
Another way of putting it is a lack of boundaries. He does not have strong boundaries which makes it a lot easier for someone like his ex to maneuver him into a compromising situation. He doesn't want to displease her, so he doesn't cut her off. He doesn't want to displease you, so he doesn't tell you about it.
I think it is reasonable to ask that he tell you about every interaction he has with her. Just put that out there, see what he does with it. Being open with you, even if he knows you won't be happy about it, is a super important guardrail that will protect him from getting into an affair he probably doesn't even want. If she gets him alone, I have a feeling she would be happy to push him across a line that would ruin your relationship. Then he would be free for her to annex. Personally I think cutting her off completely would not be an overreaction, but I've been cheated on before so my tolerance for this nonsense is low.
Her drinking issues sound like a major problem. An alcoholic single mother is a bottomless hole of need. He has to draw naked boundaries with her and stick to them or she will take over his life, and by extension your family's life.
It is good that she wanted to meet you. It also sounds like she warned him that you wouldn't like that he isn't telling you about their conversations (“I told you”). It is deeply concerning that they openly discussed not telling you, and it was coming from him. That is definitely emotional affair territory. As well as sharing intimate details of your lives, like the pregnancy.
Couples therapy would probably help you get on the same page. He has already damaged your relationship more then either of you realize. Your trust has already been broken. This is going to pop up in your head for a long time to come, every time you don't know where he is or he does something shady. Your resentment is growing. It would be an irreparable mistake to break your trust any further. As they say, trust is gained in spoonfuls and lost in buckets. He needs to hear that and really face it before he makes mistakes that permanently change all of your lives.
Overall he sounds like a decent guy trying to do the right thing and slowly going over a cliff. I wish you both all the best finding your way out of this. And congrats on the pregnancy! Maybe it bring more joy than exhaustion into your life.
Everyone knows a person like you:manipulative,scheming,self-victimizing. Trust me,we know you.