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I know I have to break up with him, but logistically, I don’t know how to make that happen. We share a cat together whom we both adore. We rent a house with 2 other housemates and the lease goes through August. I can’t just leave and make the rent higher on everyone else and there’s no extra room for another tenant to take my place. I don’t know what to do.
Daniel, thanks for your very detailed response to my third question above. You describe very well the manner in which she flips between hot and cold — i.e., between pushing you away and pulling her back.
But what is your response to my first two questions? That is, does she exhibit a heavy reliance on black-white thinking (#1 above) and does she focus her abusive behaviors almost entirely on her family members and closest friend — but not on casual friends and strangers (#2)?
You can't change the way he's responding. You can only make plans for you and your baby and tell him, “We're a package deal. Take it or leave it.” Don't fight with him over this. He'll either come around or he won't, but arguing will stress you out and it won't solve the problem. Plus, you need to know if he will willingly be there for you. If he won't, you need to make other plans.
Did he want his first child, or did he have a first child? Cause those are 2 very different things. Is he an active participant in that child’s life (doesn’t sound like it), or does he really just pay child support and have token interaction? Again, because you’re talking about him having a baby 8yrs ago, but not talking about the actual child he has yesterday, today and every day.
Which begs the question: Really?? Does he really want another CHILD (not baby – an actual, lifelong commitment child)? Have you two really had an honest discussion about this?
Maybe she wants you to hear her
I'd rather play my video games than deal with most people, and I'm a 45-year-old not male. She should definitely talk to him, but going in guns blazing because he should “know better?” Yeah, that will accomplish nothing except defensiveness.
If it walks like a duck swims like a duck it's a duck or on your case maybe a fuck
If it's this “off” at the beginning of the relationship, that doesn't sound good for the future.
You’re not crazy. He did choose her. He just thought he could use you also as long as he could get away with it. You read the texts right. Your feelings are valid. You didn’t make a mistake about what was going on. He’s the ass here. I’ll bet he never thought you had the self respect to pack him up and kick him out! He won’t forget that! Please don’t take him back, because he will come crawling back. It won’t be because he misses you, it will be because he misses what he could get from you – borrow your car, a place to sleep, maybe he needs some money, whatever, just don’t take him back.
She’s full of it! Either she never cared for you (I doubt this is the case) or she’ll get over it quickly. I used to forget my ex was balding all the time and I would show him to hair plug process and prices he would forget about it too and stop complaining for a few months. Visit an old folks home with her, we are all heading in the same lumpy, toothless, balding direction!
This is my first time posting this here
I keep commenting this on threads about labor and the home but I just finished this book and it really blew me away. Check out “equal partners” by Kate mangino you and your wife can read it together and tackle the activities. Relationship changing (for the better)!
Dude put her in your rearview and never look back. She came back to you because you seem like the best thing. No this has disaster written all over it. Do not proceed. In fact block her too. You two had your time, move on. Focus on you and build yourself up. Now is the time in your life to do that. Do let this girl drag you down. That is what will happen if you go through with this.
She’s a married woman and needs to act like it. I’ve always said people in committed relationships should not be friends w the opposite sex unless both spouses are friends as a group. Married people should not go out alone w the opposite sex and females shouldn’t have male friends because nearly all men w female friends are either waiting for the chance. Or they talk to the woman little by little until they get comfortable together and end up doing something inappropriate. Once they get to that point just being together makes them get aroused to the point she says screw it and then commits physical infidelity.
In this case she met new friends including a single man. She goes on dates w him yet she says nothing has happened but when you want to meet he says no because he doesn’t want to get shot.
If they weren’t already having an affair he’d have no issues meeting you. All this together says she’s been having sex w him and maybe others. All signs point to infidelity and she doesn’t seem to care because she continues to see him & message him
Those aren’t your friends anymore. Sorry.
One of them is using her hurt feelings as an excuse to do much worse to you.
You just to need to be honest with everyone if anything but do not expect these people to ever be your friends again. Let people know she’s acting like a hurt baby because she got rejected. This is nothing more than a child lashing at after getting rejected.
Let them know that although you aren’t gay, even if you were you’d never consider dating someone who could treat people that way over a simple rejection. Liking men doesn’t make you a homophobe and anyone suggesting otherwise is being a hurt little rejected bitch.
These aren’t your friends probably will never be again.
He likely said unfair because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. In reality, she’s useless and lazy, and the dude wants a productive girl.
OP – I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It sucks, and it's unfair, and it's scary.
Yes – IMHO, you are being stalked.
Yes, IMHO, he's hitting on you.
Yes, IMHO, it's creepy and dangerous.
You are not overreacting. He's taken the time and effort to figure out where your parents on-line. He's having food delivered to your door so that he has an excuse to interact with you. He got your phone # by giving you his. This is NOT normal or acceptable.
And you're (sadly) right to be worried about his reaction when you “reject him”. Unless you cut him off everywhere, he's going to keep trying to push to get contact with you.
Your “guy friend” is wrong. Listen to your gut, not other peoples'. You're the one in the situation, not them. You're the one that is vulnerable.
Not sure how to approach this – as a 50+M, I'd just address it directly – “Your actions and attentions are unwelcome. Don't contat me again. If you do, I will treat it as harassment, and report it to the appropriate authorities, and you can deal with them.” and then block everywhere. If food was again delivered to my door, I would bring it in and throw it away.
But – I'm not a shy 30F living on my own. If you have an imposing male friend, you could go with HIM and knock on your stalker's door together and deliver some equivalent of the above statement. I dunno – but I am sorry that so many that share my gender go out of their way to make women uncomfortable and unsafe.
Good luck, OP.
Don’t waste your time. Why would he change now? He has shown who he is.
What would an ultimatum do? You forgiving him multiple times just reinforces his behaviour.
Literally. Him being in highschool is the worst part for me. He graduates in a couple months but I think it'd be even weirder for me to wait for him to graduate to get with him. I'm just gonna unmatch and move on!
Yes that’s rape. Go to the police. Even if you decide to drop it further down the line, a report is important.
OP, info: does light breath play work both ways? Or is it only him to you?
You expect to be an 'influencer' but dont want to get noticed by people around you?
If you seek attention, you will get attention.
so you just admitted to the world that you have knowledge of someone with CHILD PORN and all u care about is ur relationship?
i don’t but i can use his phone to call them
No but that is the offensive part. To assume I would be alone on my birthday because I’m not married. Anyway, I agree I overreacted but give zero f**ks at this point. I would rather have zero friends than put up with someone’s running commentary about how I should lose weight and date. I mean I wouldn’t do that to a friend so won’t put up with someone who would do it to me.
In your other post, it didnt sound like refusing to get a job, it sounded more like a physical and mental issue. I get he said he was mentally fine, but people don’t on-line in pigsty’s conditions by choice when they have energy, health, and resources to take care of stuff. Pigsty conditions often indicate severe mental health issues like hoarding, learned helplessness, major depression, in combination with chronic physical health issues that sap energy or focus like thyroid problems, anemia, hormones disturbances, or head injuries. Not that you should do anything now, but in the future, if you meet someone else like this encourage a doctors appointment. In some areas they do screening for both mental and physical health issues, and it can be a life changer for someone unaware that an underlying health issues is sabotaging their energy, focus and their life in general.
Dun dun
If she considers communication a “chore” then you need to end things. Communication is the life blood of a LDR. I FaceTime my wife twice a day and we have a 14 hour time difference. It’s not a “chore” for either of us.
Depends on the situation of the breakup, if you fought a lot you have every right to sell it, but if things went relatively okay, he would want it back. Maybe you can send a package so you wouldn't have to deal with the exchange in person.
Honestly, I think this marriage is done. He’s obviously not anywhere near resolution, and you obviously are. You’re in 2 different universes. It will never be what it was before, ever, and you were a little ignorant in believing it would.
He’s staying because he needs to be near his daughter and probably can’t fathom splitting his time away from her. You need therapy for yourself, because this is going to be a hot transition to realize that your marriage was dead when you had an affair. He also should have been honest from the get go that he would never be the same with you, I will say that much. That is on him for not communicating his needs to you.
He seems to have put some emphasis on your “moods.” And he is indebted to you not only financially, but as well as you having left your normal life behind for him. This can have a strange effect on a man’s ego in him maybe feeling like he owes a little too much and isn’t on equal footing in the relationship. Wanting time together and feeling you owe time together are different things with completely different motivations.
Well, maybe now we all can see why Amy has problems dating. She is the problem.
I hadn't even thought about him leaving poop in the toilet at work twice a month… Oh no.
??? Hell yeah! My mom is almost 73 and my moderately shitty dead has been dead for just over 3 years. She's doing so well! It's never too late to start taking care of yourself in a healthy environment!
Why does it matter? He doesn’t want you so do what you want
I'm currently in college and I have 2 more years left. He pays for all my school fees.
Go to those parties again and don't drink, just enjoy your friends.
If she wants to tag along, say the same things back to her: “oh, it's guys only”, “ah, that girl didn't want any girls she doesn't know personally”, etc.
Plus, you're the “useful” option so she can have all the fun without consequences.
As a pro move, I'd try to get invited to the parties she goes too, but separately, and not tell her. Just be there with whoever you go with and see what she does.
Sounds like she is still interested. You need to ask her out again and see.
Make sure you kiss her again at the end of the date. Much easier than in the beginning.
Next date make sure it’s some fun thing to do together. If she has fun when she’s with you her interest will likely grow.
Idk I don’t have many friends and felt like I wanted to tell someone this.
I would end it on the basis of her not working for two years. So you’ve been taking care of her for your entire relationship? She’s also a hypocrite. It’s time to focus on your health. Get rid of the dead weight.
I mean, I also don't blame her. Can you imagine making these kinda decisions when you are 17? We also send kids of that age to fight wars for us…
You, my dear, do everything in your power to protect and strengthen your mental health. Whatever this life has in store for you will fall into place, and that will be what is right for you.
What happiness has do with it? You claim you were happy, and yet have been cheating.
What happiness has do with it? You claim you were happy, and yet have been cheating.