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Oh, please don't get me wrong – I absolutely, 100% agree that this woman isn't the right partner for OP and definitely not the right mother-figure for his daughter. Her behavior was an absolute dealbreaker and I personally wouldn't even consider taking her back, unlike OP.
All I was saying is that I also think that the girlfriend didn't have a chance. She didn't get a chance to be OP's partner or the daughter's mother-figure because it sounds like that space is (still) occupied by the dead wife/mother, both literally and figuratively.
I also agree with the idea of a photo for the daughter's room and one in a shared space. Heck, I'd say the same for items which belonged to the deceased.
And I also didn't mean that the dead wife/mother should be “put away” in a shrine. I have a photo of my mother, as well as some of her decorations and gifts on my nightstand. I see those things every time I wake up and go to sleep and several times over the day (gotta pass by my bed to get to the bathroom). That's hardly “putting her away”. But I agree with my therapist that putting the things in one space is good. It makes it feel less like the person is still living there and helps with acceptance of the loss.
I also personally think that grieving someone and grieving the memories you don't get to make is different. I absolutely agree that the daughter is grieving not making those memories or grieving not having a mother around when growing up and having all those questions a teen gets (about makeup, boys, all of it). This is a horrible loss. What I meant, though, is that it seems like OP doesn't let someone else take the place of the wife – that he doesn't let his daughter find mother-figures to fill a bit of that role and thus “forces” her to grieve.
It's absolutely fine if he is still grieving, even after 10 years. There are people who lose “their” person young and never date again and that is also fine. But by him emotionally being “stuck”, but physically pushing on and dating, things can only end badly – like with a partner snapping in a super-inappropriate way when things boil over. The daughter definitely doesn't need OP's girlfriend in her life. But she might need more in her life than the ghost of her mother.
yeah, he pretty much saved me from my last relationship cause he knew I was in a shitty abusive one. he doesn’t deserve to be put through my problems. thank you.
Yep, I got to:
(He doesn’t want dudes seeing me without him)
And didn't need to read further.
lol he isn’t a bad husband apart from causing you to get depressed. Lol girl be for reals. You need to tell him to stop with these disgusting comments or you need to learn how to gaslight him back. Whenever he makes this comments to you, tell him he’s being emotional or he’s throwing one of his tantrums because he doesn’t like the food you make.
Thought policing is controlling behavior typically based in insecurity. This is her problem to deal with, not yours.
I’d take this topic off the table and stop discussing it with her. Hell, lie if you must and tell her you have stopped using your imagination.
I normally wouldn’t suggest that someone lie to their partner but if divorce is seriously on the table over you using your imagination while masturbating then I think that’s what I would do. And then I’d continue addressing her general insecurity in therapy.