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You're embarrassed of your significant other in public. And the reason you're embarrassed of them would be considered racist in any other social setting.
I think it may be your social anxiety being amplified because it is another thing that could put attention on you, in public, by strangers, and that's already a big fear.
I don't think there's a real answer on the Internet for this question. I think it requires work with a therapist and work on your own anxieties. That seems like it would resolve it.
I get an ick out of this. Wanting an occasional update is fine like If she’s going somewhere spontaneously, however your asking for an update on her every move. I’m getting a very controlling vibe from you. This sounds like a guilt conscious to me.
Have you asked her why it’s important to her that she can go out at times when you are available?
That would only happen if she was bisexual and you two are in a non-monogamous relationship.
If you're monogamous, it could hurt the relationship to do something like that.
I don't tell her anything going on in my life, she finds out who I'm with, where I live, where I work etc but yeah your right
Thank you for the advice 🙂
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Yeah that’s the kicker. He should be begging for forgiveness, and telling her he’s happy for her to do anything she wants to make up for this. And if is brother is so bad a wedding has to be canceled, the guy should be happy he has time without his gf so he can focus on his “sick” brother.
Don’t you go taking blame where there is none. You didn’t let him get comfortable disrespecting you, he manipulated you and wore you down until you started to think you were the problem. Just know you are not the problem. And since you mention you don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff, therapy might be useful for you to help you unpack all that’s wrong with how he’s treating you. Or if that’s not an option, check out the r/emotionalabuse as that sub can be helpful for circumstances like yours.
I should say we’ve been talking about it for months and I’ve thought about it for a long time
Do you think she would ever do something like that to you or your kids if she felt 'disrespected'?
You seem very understanding and accepting of your wife. I doubt she realizes how lucky she is to have that. BPD is such a tough diagnosis to be in a relationship with. It’s unlikely her new beau would display such understanding if roles are reversed.
You’re wife is looking for something, and it’s not you. If she’d like to explore another relationship it comes at a cost to her current one. She doesn’t get to enjoy your spousal unconditional love and acceptance at the same time and cheat on you. Even if you think you can accept this, resentment will build and things will deteriorate. You deserve the same consideration you are giving her.
Please take some time apart from your wife. If this is truly what she wants, she needs to accept that she can’t have it all without consequences to your relationship. Counseling is never a bad idea.
Wish you luck OP!
If you're a fan of your life and also live with a woman with BPD then you might just be a masochist…
She’s not the one my dude. She’s a complete immature asshole
We have a amazing relationship and everything is perfect except this part. We are very open and talk through everything but every time we talk about this and how it hurts me she starts crying because she made me feel bad. And i think after that she feels bad and does stuf with me because of that and i dont want to manipulate her into thise things. I want her to do it because she wants to. Thats why i dont want to bring it up again. I think she'll just do it to make me feel giod again
I'm a big daddy's girl.but i also grew up. It's definitely normal and fine to act loving, huggy etc… If you were spooning or cuddled up in a manner that men and women typical only act in romantic situations well than that is hella weird and inappropriate. You didn't say exactly what was happening so I can't tell which category you're in.
This relationship is toxic and you are WAY better off without him, but YOU NEED A LAWYER! If he burns your stuff then sue him for the costs of replacement.
Oh yes, because women only cheat. It’s never ever possible that the guy is one of the ones who it failed for. Never.
/s
This is why kids shouldn’t get married, first of all privacy in the bathroom means a little less when you’re married. My husband and I go to the bathroom while each other is in the shower all the time. Secondly, her threatening suicide is super manipulative. You guys already need counseling.
But you entered into a only sexual relationship and this is what it is. What are you upset about?
These parents are obviously just shitty parents. They did not do the work in figuring out how to be good parents.
In a healthy poly situation, I might compare it to a different situation – say you have two kids, and they both have important events on the same night. One has a dance recital, and the other an orchestra concert. It's tough figuring out how to make everyone feel supported. Obvs if it's between a kid's recital and a random date night you should ALWAYS be picking your kid's recital, though.
This situation is super unhealthy and not like the above example, though. These parents obviously prioritized themselves and their relationship wants over their son's needs, which is awful. Poly parenting is parenting on very hot mode and these people totally failed at it and didn't make the right choices when they had to make decisions about their priorities given all the important life events OP says they missed. Kids should always come first and you need to be there, and if you're a parent you shouldn't date people who don't understand that and won't support you as a parent.
But you’re saying it right here. You make sacrifices to meet your partners needs. Eventually, if you were to have children, one of the sacrifices you would make is being there for your child.
If you have to manage deep emotional connections with many different people, you are just going to have less time for your children. It’s why mono married couples tend to not hang out with their good friends as much after having children compared to before having children.
Managing relationships takes time, and poly people have the same finite amount of time as mono people. The difference is that poly people dilute their time across multiple partners while mono people concentrate their time on one partner.
Yes, sacrifices also need to be made in poly relationships. The problem is, some of those sacrifices will undoubtedly include your children.
Way to soon. Wait a couple months, even longer
I know about that stuff I’m not dumb and I usually wear a condom but I plan on being with her for a while because she means the world to me
He was uncomfortable too. Sorry if that is unclear in the post. And he would be uncomfortable if my male boss behaved like that with me. It was his idea to say something to his boss; I just don’t know if it’s worth it.
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I think I do love him and especially now that I’ve seen how very hot the cheating had affected him, I realised he had genuine feelings for me too.
Your husband, the therapist, and yourself are gas-lighting yourself.
This has nothing to do with your depression or anxiety or PTSD. Aside from the fact that his CHEATING is probably still causing those things.
This is not a man who loves you. This is a man who is keeping you around while he pours his lust and affection into other women.
Wake up.
We are fortunate to be in the position that money isn't an issue for us right now. Therefore, the money we saved by staying longer in our home country was, to my husband, negligible. He feels that we will never again have an opportunity to travel as freely as we are able to do so now, and so that should have been the priority. You can't buy time, but you can earn money. So for him, that was an irretrievable loss.
I say agreement, but perhaps for him it felt more like grudging acceptance, because I was so adamant on staying longer in our home country and he didn't want to cause a fight.
The assignments are just for two modules that contribute a small percentage towards the overall course. I'm confident of doing reasonably well, although I believe I would do better if I had more time to do them. Doing them while travelling is possible although not ideal, I've done it on my previous trips and it's honestly quite tiring and the quality of the work is not great. He thinks I'm spending too much time on them and that I'm aiming for a great job when a good job would suffice. It's possible that he's right, I don't know until I stop putting in the effort.
Our future is definitely dual income, we've agreed on that. It's just that his company offered to pay his salary while on this training course and mine didn't, just a small living allowance. When we are working full-time, we earn about the same amount.
The agreement is basically that I won't hold back on travelling because I feel that I should be more frugal about spending since I have a more limited income for this year, especially since he's paying more of the rent. He felt that I broke this agreement by wanting to stay longer in our home country, the opportunity cost of which was one additional trip.
He tells you he wants to travel somewhere. You confirm and go. Then what?
I suppose he's upset because he feels that I should be more enthusiastic on something that is so important to him, which hurts his feelings. Like if you were talking about a water park for ages and when you finally decide to go, your wife is like: “Eh, ok. I'll just do a shit job at my work so I can go with you, but it's possible.” Kills your enthusiasm for the trip and makes you feel like she doesn't really care how important it is to you.
Get out of your own head and ask her again.
I didn’t really want to be that though.
Yeah I have all that except friends really. I did have friends but they all got into cocaine recently and I didn’t really vibe with it. Same with the last girl I saw
Are there any minors in your life or his that he interacts with or has access to? He’s absolutely consumed CP or would if he had the chance. You want to be around someone like that and possibly expose people you know who may have kids to him?
I think the red flags are not always deal breakers. For example, is she self aware at all? Does she go to therapy? *why* is she a horder? Does she have OCD? ADD?
Or is she just too lazy to be bothered with cleaning because she is spoiled. So many factors to consider here really. This is a complex human being. We all are.