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Date: September 5, 2022

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  1. Well, there's two aspects to this.

    One is quick: Do they want to get married? If they don't, then they clearly aren't marriage material. If your goal is marriage, and theirs isn't, then you don't need to spend more time hoping they'll change; that's usually a recipe for unhappiness. If they do want to get married sometime, then you have some agreement on that fundamental concept.

    The other aspect is slower: You have to talk about the future.

    Just because someone also wants to get married doesn't mean you agree on everything. For instance, maybe they want some big destination wedding, while you want a simple courtroom ceremony. Or perhaps they want their mom to do all the planning in order to avoid stress, while you think you and your betrothed should be solely in charge of your ceremony. While it might be possible to work out compromises here, never assume that because someone says they want what you want, that they want it in the same style or manner that you want it.

    There are also several areas you have to talk about to determine if you have the same view of your life together. Love is not enough in a relationship, there are practical realities involved, too. Some examples:

    Children, yes or no? How many? Hospital or home birth? Vaccinations per recommendations or no? How do you deal with discipline? What amount of activity scheduling is acceptable? Can they stay at home once they turn 18 or do you expect to kick them out? Finances: Shared accounts or do you manage your incomes separately? What big savings do you both plan on (housing, retirement, emergency fund, etc.)? If you have kids, do you give them allowances? If so, how much, with what frequency? Will you pay for their college? Housing: A standalone home, or a condo/apartment? Own or rent? Rural, suburban, or city living? Is a big yard important? What about gardening? Do you view housing as something you will upgrade later, or do you want to stay in one place long-term? Religion: Do you care? Does one of you expect the other to convert? Does a church/temple wedding matter, or would you just do a religious ceremony to placate older relatives? If you have kids, would you raise them in a religious manner?

    You get the idea. There are a lot more things to discuss. I refer to these sorts of things as “life goals.” You may have a clear idea of something like how you'll visit family over the holidays, but if your partner has different ideas that aren't compatible with yours, there will be a problem. Like with children, if one of you wants kids, and the other doesn't, someone will be unhappy no matter what happens.

    You really need to make sure that you have agreement in how to approach all these kinds of things, before they happen. That means you need to do a lot of talking about the future. It will take time to go through all that, and even then, you may miss something.

    My wife and I were generally in agreement on the big goals, but we found out when she was pregnant with our first that she was against taking the kid on vacations until he was nine, at least. This isn't something we'd ever talked about…and at that point, we'd been together for 14 years, and somehow missed talking about kids on vacation at young ages! We worked things out, though.

    So, figuring out if someone has the same idea of married life as you do is something that will take time to work out. I expect that conversation will take years, but you'll get a sense if you are in agreement with things, or not.

    You can see the value of honesty in these conversations. Someone who is agreeing with ideas, just to seem agreeable, is doing both people a disservice. There are lots of marriages that ended in unhappiness because someone “suddenly” didn't want to live a certain way, or in a certain place, or thought that their partner wasn't serious about what they wanted, and so on.

    I suggest the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver, as good reading material for you and your partner as a couple. It talks about things that make for a successful long-term relationship, and you may not have had good examples of that. Realizing that problems can turn up anytime, for any reason, is important: What makes for a happy marriage isn't a lack of problems, but a willingness to work together to resolve the problems that inevitably appear. Knowing your partner's attitudes about how to deal with problem situations can be useful: If they don't believe in therapy or marriage counseling, then it probably would be difficult to resolve a problem that comes up in a marriage.

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