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Your brother is grooming your son, save the evidence, go to the police and cut him off and make sure he can't contact your son
You’re accepting of consensual adult sexual behavior, not an adult grooming a minor.
Quote where OP said it was wasting her time. I'll wait.
Don't give her specifics. Tell her you'll call her when you wake up. If she asks for a time give yourself a window between 2:30 and 3pm for example. If she does however get mad and not answer don't text or call again just go on will your day. It's very hot to play these kind of games if the other person won't participate. If you can get her to stop you'll both be better for it.
I'd be out then and there. Proves shes incapable of appreciation but she'll call it having high expectations of you.
Would you be ok leaving your baby with him while you’re gone?
4 trips a year times at least two weeks means he’d be missing 2 months every year of his child’s life.
Plus what are you going to do once the kid is school? Is this using all your vacation time or do you still have time to vacation with your husband? Would you be comfortable staying two weeks with his parents 4 times a year?
Did you not discuss this before you moved?
I’m not saying to never see your family. But it seems like you’re dismissing him not wanting to miss 1/6 of the year with his child.
That’s a fair point. It’s honestly worrisome that that was his reaction. Totally ruined my night
If you're so impaired that you can't remember what happened, you were too impaired to fully consent. We're talking black out drunk.
You may not agree on that, but I hope you would at least agree that sleeping with someone that out of it is morally dodgy AF
That was very well written. Thank you.
Yes. I think the only way to fix is that neither of us joke about it anymore. But i think we’ll be fine. I got more worried about me being racist without noticing
Do you know what would be SO FUN? Finding someone to sublet from you. Ideally, you’re looking for a female 19yo bulimic coke/meth addict whose 34yo unemployed parolee bf sleeps over every night bc he’s still trying to get on his feet.
If you are sober and you want to stay that way, then do not go. It’s very simple. You can speak with SIL and tell her that since the wedding incident, you truly meant your apology and your sober which is why you cannot attend because you don’t want the same thing to happen. You BF, who you call supportive, is not supportive cause he’s going to go and drink. A supportive bf would tell you- if you’re not drinking, neither am I. I won’t put you in temptations way of having a drink. Therefore, not supportive. Seems like they are trying to put you in a position to fail in all honesty. All in all, make the right decision for you, not for everyone else.
I've been on a lot of different antidepressants and these are common side effects unfortunately. However if she's less distressed that is definitely a benefit. I've always found that antidepressants/other psych meds aren't a cure, they just make your mood and other symptoms more managable so that you can do the work you need to do to get better. That includes therapy, working on relationships, looking after your body, exercise, getting a regular sleep routine, experiencing fun things, and lots of other stuff. They aren't something you just take and thats the end of it. I definitely wouldn't recommend she stops taking them, but they are usually a temporary measure to facilitate other things.
If you're worried, maybe ask her dr if reducing the dose or trying a different drug/combination could help?
While she's able to manage her emotions more it's vital that you support and encourage her to work on these other parts of recovery. Also please don't pressure her to be intimate or reciprocate affection if she doesn't want to right now. That definitely won't help. I know how difficult this must be for you but the best way to get her through this is to help her work on her recover. Sending love to you. Good luck, friend.
It’s gonna be very hot to get out of that type of work..simply because it’s a good money with less hr… when you do that for years unless you have good education and able to make same amount of money with different job with little hour then it’s gonna be hot to quit and say “Hey I wanna work 40hrs a week and make same or less money than when I was a stripper…”
Honestly the best thing you can do if you care about him is be honest about how his behavior impacted your relationship and your desire to be in it. He's not going to learn if no one tells him.
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It’s very easy for a 40yo person to seem mature and stable. He is mature and stable. You are still growing. When you’re a 40yo woman and speak to an intelligent and sweet 20yo dude, you will NOT want a relationship with him. You will have outgrown those boys. If this man has not outgrown 20yo partners at 40, he’s a mess.
She don’t care babe. She has no intention of contacting you but she can simply ignore you if you message her.
I have tried to tell him but he doesn't listen. Im hoping if i do go nc he doesn't get petty and keep me from my siblings.
Not this one. Smells like fruit and petunias. She doesn't care.
Sounds legit
Check out justnoSO sub. He is putting your physical health at risk and it’s not okay
Where do you on-line? This is the weirdest post. 26? WTF? You are not even in your prime dating years yet.
Unless you are in a very early to wed society?
You’re fighting way too very hot to have your dick out around a teenage girl you barely know. What the fuck is wrong with you??
Not only that. Think of all the people who are married to nurses.
At this point my wife has probably touched hundred of dicks that aren't mine, you've gotta put a catheter in than you gotta touch someone's dick. She'll even tell me when someone had basically a third leg on them, whatever.
You learn not to care and say “Eh, she still comes home to me”.
Providing care for someone vs something intimate is completely different. This lady needs to understand that.
This women (that is clearly not able to fend for herself and take care of herself and her environment) has the AUDACITY to even THINKS that she’s able to handle a newborn ?
Man I’m sad for that baby
Armchair psychologists strike again!
Yeah I texted her apologizing. I would ask her to meet me if she picked up my calls tho. Thanks for the response.
Your hair, your choice
After all OP has said, if I were in her shoes…
I wouldn’t accept his proposal or ring. He’s waffled around on & now has different “conditions” which he deliberately did not discuss with OP, therefore she could not work on them if she wanted. Conditional love, wants perfection from her, and what exactly is HE bringing to the table? Not much. He’s been stringing her along… a place holder until his perfect woman comes along.
He’s not husband material & OP deserves better. Much better.
People have different outlooks on sex. It's not wrong and there's no rule.
But you should be honest about that at least a few dates in and expect that it will turn some people off. And that's okay.
Personally it's on the border of too much for me but I'm also realizing I saw someone I think six times recently before sex. Granted we were both dating around and I was sleeping with other people so it wasn't like I needed to. She was really cool and it didn't turn me off, but it was also just that both of us didn't make that first move to do so and had plenty of fun without sex.
Normally if I feel a connection with someone it happens within the first three dates. Which I understand is fast for many. For me it helps feel out the connection. I talk a lot and am open and generally have a very good idea of where we sit by three dates in, and sex is very important to me. I'm high libido and that needs to match. A high libido woman that feels a connection to me generally won't wait that long lol.
It's like art, ya know? You ever have something on your plate that looks so dang good it's a cryin' shame to eat it?
You need to tell her how close to divorce it came last time.
You both need to be on the same page and you need to stop avoiding having this conversation. I know that it's very hot, but you owe it to yourself to talk to your wife about how much abuse you went through last time.
I totally agree and that’s why I’m feeling the way I feel about it. I know how this shit goes and I know how affairs start. I’ve been there before and this is exactly it. That’s why it needs to get nipped in the bud now.
The worst part is she keeps texting her (female) best friend about all of this and her friend is just justifying my wife’s actions, shitting on me, and just honestly not helping the situation AT ALL.
No not to ask him that. Just talk to him. Tell him what’s going on.
She’s making the choice to continue working with her abuser. I do blame her for that. I don’t blame her for being a victim or getting harassed in the first place.
It’s ridiculous to say that “she was victimized, ergo she holds no responsibility for any of her decisions moving forward”.
That has happened to me quite a few times with my ex. He was rather large. He has probably had it happen so much that it doesn’t really faze him anymore. Bigger isn’t always better. Lol
he needs to grow up & you need to be wiser.
This is not gonna work as he has no respect for you. seems like he doesn't love you but tolerating you in his space.
A gentleman in love will never put his love/woman aside & allow then to feel ignored, abandon, belittled & unloved.
Time to pack-up, leave & get a better lover & a better life.
I’d follow up around 1 if he doesn’t reply. Then I’d carry on with your life
I mean, I’ve heard of that being a thing, so I wouldn’t inherently suggest it’s completely crazy.
The rest is what matters. You good with a dead bedroom? I don’t think this is a paradox at all.
Would you be used? Yes. Literally for your semen. You get to orgasm. Awesome. Could you not before?
so you’re saying nothing can fix this?
This was a lose-lose situation. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no way you were going to win here no matter what you did. I think the best thing to do now is set boundaries with Amanda and focus on your newborn. Try to make it up to your wife, although that will be an uphill battle. I’d consider counseling with your wife. Bend over backwards right now to support your wife and baby, because that’s the only chance you have at salvaging your marriage. Amanda is going to have to be an adult and realize that the world does not and cannot revolve around her.
Get very hot evidence, be strong, stick to your boundaries and drop a hammer on her when you confront. Whatever bull shit she spews is just that bullshit.
It is recoverable IMO if she pull a 180 and does EVERYTHING possible to make it up but usually they don't just try and hide it.
This sounds like she’s stringing you along.
I doubt she’s gonna stop talking to him as he sounds like he’s her actual boyfriend and you seem to be the guy on the side.
I’d leave her alone and find someone who’s actually available.
Repost this on u/sex. That crowd is far better prepared to answer your question. But beware, you might get some pushback for trying to push a girl to do something she doesn't want to do. Coercion and emotional pressure are biiiiiiig no no's in the sex positive world.
It’s because I like him
GET YOUR CAR BACK.
Listen, I know you want this to not be as it is. You want this to somehow work out. I don't know why – maybe if she changes, it means you're lovable, or worthy, or something. Maybe it means all this shit with your family was worthwhile.
It doesn't matter. None of this is about you being good or worthy or lovable. It's about her abusing you, and STEALING YOUR CAR.
There is a whole world out there full of people who will love all over you, and think you are the best thing on this planet. You will never find them if you are sitting at home, without a car, waiting for the abusive one.
Call the police, report the car stolen, get into therapy to deal with all your stuff – and you have a lot of stuff worthy of therapy – and go find all the love you deserve.
Lol I'm glad my suffering can provide entertainment. One morning we were spooning so he couldn't see my face and he talked about ducks for over an hour. I fell asleep for a bit and woke back up and he was still talking about ducks. Literally did not even notice I had dipped out for 20 min.
This has happened like 6 times at this point. I just don't have anywhere to go and feel stuck. I know this is wrong and toxic. He deserves better. I just have nothing, I make all of the money and put it all into him
Let me address that first part with a few things; first, you wanted to make sure you tried your best to save it. Now, if we were here in a situation where you objectively said something or took an action where it was clear that you fucked up, you taking measures to show him that you care, will fix things, are a better person; etc. would make logical sense even if I were here telling you it was a lost cause.
But that's not the situation here. The situation (as far as you've told us) is that he failed a huge exam, and because that happened, he needs to stop seeing you. A decision like that suggests that he's saying you're the reason he failed. That seeing you is impacting and will negatively impact him achieving his life goals. Do you believe that to be the truth? That's also ignoring the fact that you fundamentally knew that if he failed your relationship was over. No partner in a healthy relationship would ever be sitting around concerned about the results outside of being supportive of their partner's success.
To now focus on you, here's where I get concerned that me pointing out your faults will make you ignore everything else and try to justify his decision because of what you've done wrong. Don't do that. You can be provided constructive criticism and acknowledge personal issues while also acknowledging that those issues aren't justification for dealing with bad behavior of your partner.
Let me now use hyperbole just to drive the point home. Let's say my wife has had a pattern of leaving lights on before heading off to work. We've spoken about it, but it still happens on occasion. Then yesterday out of frustration, I punched her square in the face. Today, we have plans to meet up with friends. We're both at work preparing for the night out. I communicate to her that I'm at my wits end with my number 2 (at work) fucking up and setting me back. She's now worried that I'm going to take my frustration out on her. We meet up, turns out I do exactly that, she gets upset, and while raising my fist, I hold back and tell her that I need a break from her because she's causing my issues, and that I want to stay together but when I come back is unknown; probably months down the line.
What would you tell my wife?
Moving sounds like a terrible idea for your family
Look even if it was something about you, you're both clearly better off now. What do you gain by asking him about it now? Neither of you need the feedback at this point. Keep him in your past and enjoy your life with your supposedly great new husband, who definitely wouldn't appreciate you trying to get closure from your ex of 8 years.
Righting the wrong doesn't mean giving your wife the leverage to go sleep around mate. You didn't put in the work via couples' therapy so it's over. Just get a divorce lawyer and do the needful.
I appreciate this. I haven’t dated previously with an age gap as such ( however, she has), and we’ve yet to have the conversation.
Yikes major major red flags imo.
His hobby isn't the issue. His wife's viewpoint is.
This is the most childish response you could have
It is normal to want your gf to dress modestly and not attract attention from the opposite gender, but this doesn’t sound like it’s to respect his boundaries but because he’s trying to see how much control he can impose over you. Respect and trust is a 2 way street and either side looking to control you is a very big red flag, especially if you already dress modestly and are not looking for anyone’s attention but his and he is still has a problem. I don’t know what his excuse is for feeling that way, but they are his problems that are making the relationship toxic, not the way you dress. Stand up for yourself and call him out for projecting his insecurities and make it painfully obvious that you are already being modest because you respect yourself and the relationship you’re in and that him attempting to control that and you shows that he has issues that he needs to work out before you continue with your relationship as his behavior is an assault and affront to your character and person ethics that you find unacceptable. Give him the choice to either get professional help for his control issues, or that you’re not going to stick around and tolerate a partner that thinks they have have to control you and not trust in you despite showing him you have good morals and character.
Referring to this other woman as 'a bitch', 'that bitch' is so vile – if your partner has gone against the agreed boundaries of your open relationship it's not her fault, it's his.
I'm not surprised he's asking to pause – he's right to.
What do you do now? Evaluate if you want to be in this relationship and if you're really ok with an open relationship.
Doesn't matter if you've known her for 10 years, once she has lied to you often enough and about core issues like getting off with someone you both know without telling you something so simple, you know that nothing she tells you can be 100% trusted or believed. There's no future in that, this will always sit in your mind questioning her words.
that if she could go back in time and change those things
Says everybody who has ever fucked up a relationship. The problem is you only get to blow up someone's trust once, and then you're done.
She didn't pester before, though she did have a soft spot since he cried on phone and begged. However initially she was like your decision is right because he let you down many times but two days ago when she sent me texts that he sent her she just openly asked me to give him a chance even though I mentioned it wont happen She did say twice in conversation “consider this as last chance” and that's where I felt like I've lost her and he has managed to garner all pity for himself.
As for him he is only talking to me so he can have a chance in future which I don't want. He is like “I made a mistake but dont I deserve one last chance with my girl” Back off I'm not yours. It's just been disturbing me a lot that I now lost a support system as she is the only common friend that him and I have.
He's manipulating you and the reason his family have been awful to him is because he is, in fact, awful.