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That might not be an excuse. It could be all about him and his relationship with his family. It may have nothing to do with you at all. Figure out if he has been like this with every relationship.
Take my advice like you should with all reddit advices, but try to get your wife (and FIL) to understand that getting through to MIL is top priority. It seems as she holds the key in getting BIL the help he needs. Use whatever method that you guys have at your disposal, therapy, NC, intervention, and communicate with her clearly that her actions are hindering whatever chance the family has to heal itself.
The big question for you is, whether you are comfortable with reconciliation with your BIL if he truly attempts to better himself.
Hope things work out well.
Reddit consistently providing the worst possible relationship advice. This sub is toxic as fuck. Not everyone is awful and the standard assumption to breakup/they’re fucking someone else is ridiculous. Example:
Post “My (27) boy friend (29) looked at another human, should I be concerned or am I being weird”
Top rated response “So many red flags here, my boy friend did this before he turned into a snake eating eating dinosaur and started shitting on statues before fucking my work colleagues french bulldog. Get out NOW before it gets to this stage”.
Why are you living together so soon? Sorry but you need to leave and focus on your healing. He has a young, naive, emotionally damaged girl he can use because he knows you have problems setting boundaries. He’s not an idiot, he knew you were crying but didn’t care. Men are not helpless idiots who don’t know that asking a sobbing person for sex is wrong. He waited until you were done crying so he could have sex with you. Your feelings are valid and there is a reason you are upset. Move out and focus on healing and building your life before you date again.
Coming from a girl’s POV – unless she’s a super independent woman generally if a girl is in love with you we love your attention, being around your presence, etc. The fact that you tried to talk with her, but she told you to go to your friends while she entertains her ex is completely off putting. I have an ex that was super awful to me and if he texted ME out of nowhere one day and all of those painful memories came back I would find comfort and solace in my CURRENT boyfriend and not the ex. Idk what she means by painful memories when she’s texting/laughing on her phone w him when she’s in your presence. It seems like she hasn’t fully gotten over him and is still trying to search some answers with him when she should’ve gotten the closure before she decided to date you. To me it sounds like he’ll always be on the back of her mind after this and I would best advise you to break up to save your self respect.
My electronics and computers where bought on the business as it's saved me money on vat and we put it down as an expense and in return I don't take a wage that month
That's not how that works. Company equipment is not in lieu of a wage. It's an expense – you get paid and the company pays for its equipment.
You don't have any right to that equipment because it's the company's, but you should also have been paid as well as…
Sounds like honestly you need to grow a bit of a spine pal. Get 101 on the phone and talk to them (sounds like you're in the UK). They're extremely helpful and will at least give you the resources to pursue the correct avenues if it isn's a police matter currently.
If you want your stuff back I would prepare for small claims court. And you should definitely get your stuff back.
I think you need to communicate this in a really clear, direct way.
“I really don't like piercings. I know you want them. I really want you to have and be what you want. I want to support you. But I need you to understand that I really don't like them, and that they run the risk of changing you from someone who I find attractive to someone who I don't. I'm not proud of that, but I don't know if I can change it, and I need you to know that me no longer finding you attractive is a possible outcome of proceeding with piercings. Nevertheless, I really care about you and will support your choices. But that doesn't mean I won't leave you if I don't find you attractive”
Yeah… Last time a man suggested pushing that after a No I reminded him I have teeth…
Cool beans
What do words of affirmation mean to you, practically? I don't think love languages are a thing written in stone, but a guide for people with low emotional IQ to understand each other?
He fucked around and it’s find out o’clock.
Time to leave bro. She fucking lied. If she told you that would you have married her? She took away that decision.
If it was just my wife who was mad at me, I wouldn't feel bad. But Kate is also mad at me.
this last sentence blows my mind. That you take an outsider's opinion more seriously than your wife's shows a lot. Poor her, really. She must have been hoping for a great Christmas Eve with her family. Your son's first Christmas and probably the first your daughter will remember. And you'd rather be outside with friends. She probably got an awful night of stress and questioning all her life decisions of the last ten years.
What a narcist
This really sucks. You've got a shitty mother. It doesn't make YOU shitty. It seems like you recognize that. I hope so. You're not a reflection of her or your aunt or anybody else.
I'd get away from that person and start making a life for myself with ZERO regard for that person's input if I were you, and I'd do it as soon as I could.
It's a new year… could be the beginning of a new life.
I hope so. Good luck!
This is no longer a relationship.
This is a car headed off a cliff and he’s driving. Get out of the car before he sends you both over.
R/sex, I think might be better equipped. Even better, a medical professional…
If he’s always done it then op is dumb for thinking she could change him. If he recently just started then I agree with others that it’s a way for him to control her.
Let him go and don’t let him come back after he’s gotten his fill of other women (or more likely realized what an absolutely shitshow it is out there and hasn’t had any luck)
If someone has told you that they want something else besides you and it’s not even an actual person it means they don’t value you enough to be with you.
Just saying it would be enough for me to drop him and never look back.
Your girlfriend is being a dick.
Whatever you do, don't get married if your relationship is just “fine”. Imagine yourself in 5 years, 15 years, 30 years. Would you actually be happy with her? And would you be happy married to her if nothing about her changed? Because people can certainly change, but only if they want to and they work for it.
The mismatch in sex drives can be caused by many things (stress, medication, general libido levels), but I'd be miserable if my partner didn't even want to kiss/cuddle. You'll have to bring it up to her and figure out if it's even something that bothers her or if she'd be perfectly happy having sex once a month for the rest of her life.
The fact that she's hit you before is a red flag. Only you can decide if it's relationship-ending, but the fact that she was capable of doing it once and didn't even immediately apologize is concerning. Will she do it again if she happens to be in an especially bad mood?
As for the coworker, leaping straight from one long-term relationship to another is a bad idea, so remove her from the equation. Does your girlfriend bring enough positive into your life that you would rather be with her than learn to be happy by yourself?
People talk about a 7-year itch, and it's definitely true that relationships can get stale if you don't keep working on them. At the same time, you were each other's firsts and you got together when you were 17 and 18. You've (hopefully) done a lot of growing up as people since then, so it's also possible you've just grown apart.
At the very least, I'd consider pre-marital counseling a must before any wedding-planning. Good luck with whatever you decide!
When you say “money has been tight”, what exactly do you mean? Are you struggling to pay your bills? Not paying down debt? Not saving as much as you'd like?
To me, this sounds less like a dispute over the technicality of a gift, and more about your overall financial partnership. If I were your spouse and stressed about money, I would be frustrated that you are prioritizing your hobby over our fiscal security.
Have you two discussed financial priorities (i.e. where money goes first, second, etc)? If not, I think it would be helpful.
You said exact what I was planning to say.
OP, if you’re struggling to pay bills or are in serious debt, sell your unwanted items and use the money for practical things.
You’ve already said that your hobby is pricey. That might be an extravagance in the first place.
You should put your wants second to your needs.
Not saying that 21 and 25 can’t work, just certainly that I couldn’t. But I will say that 21 is potentially still in college going to school while 25 is a young professional.
OP, it doesn’t matter how “niche” the hobby is or what you can compare it to; unless we know what it actually is, an actual verdict can’t be reached because it’s impossible to tell how reasonable this actually is or not. I have a hot time believing it’s such a rare thing that you could me personally identified for liking it.
Instead of telling him he's unattractive, tell him things that women find attractive, and he might start doing them. For example, “wear chapstick girls like that.”
Hi your boyfriend is a predator.
Nobody can answer whether this is salvageable without knowing what you did to make her ignore you and stop being your friend. I will say though, if she won’t even be your friend you almost certainly won’t be able to win her over for a relationship.
Okay so the GREAT news is that you have noticed all of these tendencies and you've recognized that they are not healthy. That's a great first step!
It would take many, many hours of therapy to actually deconstruct each one of these issues (and I strongly advise you to start that journey if you haven't already) but the main thing I'd offer is just to draw your attention to one of your first sentences: “I feel like I wanna keep this relationship so bad that I don't act like myself anymore.” In my view, this is the fundamental issue from which all other ensuing issues grow. This feeling of desperation is how you will sabotage yourself. Once you fall into this hole of not allowing yourself to be authentic around your partner, it's very difficult to crawl out. I know it's your first relationship, and you just really want it to last and be amazing and perfect and everything you always hoped a relationship would be. But you cannot make your relationship or your partner the center of your universe. Being in a new relationship can be so fun and exciting, but you must not lose sight of the fact that you would still be okay on your own.
You don't share your interests, hobbies, opinions, and feelings with him because you're afraid he will reject you. Guess what? He might! And you know what else? That is incredibly valuable information. Are you so desperate to be in a relationship – any relationship – that you would rather shrink yourself to make it work than live! authentically and risk it ending? This mindset will not serve you in the long term. The rush of having a boyfriend will wear off over time. A truly meaningful relationship is one where you can trust that your partner loves and accepts you for exactly who you truly are. You will never know if this new boyfriend loves and accepts you for who you are if you don't give him the chance to know the real you. Does giving him that chance involve taking a huge risk? Yes. That is why relationships can feel so scary at the beginning. They require vulnerability. They require you to relinquish control over the outcome. Because that's the other thing: no matter how desperate you are to hold on to a relationship, you will never have complete control over whether or not it ends. You could be and do everything he wants and it still might not work out. Does that mean you should just give up because it's all doomed? No. It means you might as well start being yourself now.
I appreciate your optimism with pushing the divorce out two years. I was going to guess this would be one where the marriage and divorce happen in the same year.
A luxury trip to the Bahamas that just includes his mates is money that could be spent going towards the baby
That's really, really true. He's an awesome person, and I feel really awful for having this reactions. I now see the level of my misjudgment, thank you!
Idrc if he’s “somebody”, all I need is him to be attractive in my eyes and I lose my speech and confidence.. but I get your point, I’ll take my shot.. thank you
Are you thinking of offing him? How is this any of your concern? Of course his life insurance should go to the mother of his young kids. He's currently paying child support right? They will still need financial support if he passes.
If he wants to take out a second policy if the two of you have kids or bought a property together, that would make sense.
She’s having a midlife crisis and you’re her airplane She’s jumping from
That's such an incredibly dumb take!
She shouldn't even be talking to this guy. I'd run.
“You know, I just realised that even though we work together and all, I still don't actually know your name!” Although this only works if you work somewhere the servers don't have name badges on…
Jesus Christ I’m so sorry. That’s just shocking.
Regardless of your relationship situation, it seems like you need to move out. Your parents are too invested in your life, and you should not have to deal with physical and verbal abuse.
Now you know why he has a rule
It’s not normal for him to act like you’ve described. I believe that it shouldn’t be a reason to pull the plug on the fwb agreement but it is definitely the time to sit down and have a conversation on boundaries and expectations. A slap on the wrist if you will. Let him know what his actions made you think and why it might not be what you want and need at the moment. Develop strong communication so that it becomes a pleasant experience for the both of you because if you keep sleeping with him and he gets his hopes up that you might want to move things further it’ll crush him and put you in an awkward position. Just reiterate your expectations and let him know what you want and need, set the boundary and let him know he can’t cross it and it should be fine. It might be good to let him know what you don’t find comfortable, if he acts too lovey dovey and you don’t enjoy that as a fwb, let him know speak up. Communication! That’s all.
It’s very likely, something I have thought for a while.
Maybe it is time to go try get some help with it…