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He won’t help with housework though, he grew up in a family where his mother did everything in the house and never taught him to help out, till this day she does everything for him
Lady, you’re allowed to on-line however you want. What you’re not allowed to do is to judge others for thinking or acting differently than you. Others sleeping around does not impact you. Get over yourself. Go ahead and continue to be how you want to be, but don’t be such a cunt about others not being like you.
Yes…and it is YOUR problem to solve.
Yeah, I think the issue is we’ve had the conversation way too many times now, and I will give examples such as like planning a day that’s different than something that we usually do that I’d appreciate, paying attention to things that I’ve mentioned, or even making home dates romantic by flowers or something. I’ve tried to also say as much as I can, but I think the exhaustion has come to a point where I feel like I’m telling him what to do at every point and I think it’s too much. I guess my expectation would be that, they take what I communicate and apply it to situations and take initiative?
Love goes both ways. If the person with BPD loves you, they should seek treatment and work on their emotional distortions. You should never have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. Fact is BPD is extremely difficult to treat because it is so embedded in a persons personality, and it’s ok if a partner isn’t equipped to deal with it. If you are supporting someone with BPD that’s great, and I wish you the best, because you will need a lot of emotional strength and patience.
Okay every family has mental illness, alcoholism/addiction issues. If the husband has never faced any of these he’s a sheltered boy and needs to grow up. If my family had no where to go they would be coming to my home with GROUND rules of course, like no drugs or drinking IF that’s the issue. I would be allowing help, not allowing addiction.
In my opinion, I would be the one threatening divorce and hoping he never has to face those issues in his life, poor delicate little flower.
Verbal or written an “I love you” means the same thing. This sounds like a teenager wrote it and your comments. I don't think you're ready for an adult relationship. You're second guessing his “I love you” just because they were written the first time you. You're holding his prior “cheating” against him but he was 14 max. Unless it's a legitimate crime that seriously harmed another I don't hold things people did as a stupid 14 year old against them.
How do I find the original post?
You can't make your girlfriend do anything, you can only do what you feel you're comfortable with. Honestly, it seems like she's just passing the time with you to see how things will work out with her ex.
Do the right thing and talk first, if it doesn't happen then break the relationship off and then you do what you need to. There is no point getting into marriage when the most basic need is unmet which can lead to frustrations on other fronts
Not with the women if you know you’re going to not let them know that you’re in a present relationship, maintain the boundary of not complaining to them about your relationship, and prevent over dependence on the friendship coming back, don’t catch yourself Doug. Anything you wouldn’t want to catch your gf doing…
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Don't date while she is traveling. If she sees you as a constraint, it doesn't look good for your relationship.
I’d guarantee you “like him so much” because he’s mirroring you. It’s not real. You’ll realize it once you’re away from him.
My ex had a gambling problem. I ignored it for a really long time until I couldn’t anymore. He was driving to Vegas every weekend and calling it his “second job.” We fought over money because he felt I should give him money to gamble with when he was out. He once wanted my last $200 over Super Bowl weekend to hedge his bet on the game and didn’t care that it would leave me broke for 3 days because “you’re my wife and you should give me money when I need it.” Yeah, hell no.
I left him and now the loser finally lives in Vegas like he always wanted to and he’s probably gambling away his paycheck on a regular basis. Such a bullshit way to on-line and I’m so glad I’m not a part of it anymore.
Not your problem. Don’t do this unless you are already friends with the guy. Like good good friends. Coming out of no where with this just shows you haven’t moved on. It will only cause problems. Either with the guy, the ex, or both of them. There is also the chance she may have figured herself out more and is an a better place. Just don’t do it.
Tbf I had to snoop to find proof my ex wife was cheating sometimes it’s called for
Ok, I'm sorry I'm still a little confused.
Were the two of you in an exclusive relationship during which time she cheated on you and got pregnant?
So be honest. You love him but want no contact because you need to move on.
You mean ex, right? Right?
he's a jerk and gaslighting you for whatever reasons.
dump him and you won't have an ounce of insecurity in your life anymore.
trust me, you'll love it
I bet he fucks her way better too lol
Leave it be, don’t force or push the matter more then it should. She made her stance clear, respect it.
Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me. I have got in touch with a local therapist. I'm very daunted about speaking to them, as I'm generally a closed book when it comes to discussing my innermost feelings. But I'm hoping it will do
I'm not sure if my ex was trying to make me jealous or she simply misread the dynamics of our relationship. We were friends before we became lovers, and in the past she would ask my advice on guys. I think she assumed we could slip back into that kind of friendship but unfortunately I'm still carrying feelings, and the idea of her sleeping with a hotter, younger guy was nude to bear.
I know that last year she dated a guy who was 25 years-old. She's actually dated this guy twice. She said he was nice but he was a huge party animal, always drinking and smoking, and she couldn't keep up with him. Her logic appeared to be that a younger guy has the potential to mature, but I think she's deluding herself. For example, she doesn't want to have kids, and a lot of young guys aren't interested in that either FOR NOW. But later down the line that could change and she might already be past the point of conceiving, even if she wanted to. Maybe I should give up trying to understand her and focus strictly on myself?
Two toxic people.
You take the lead. While things are getting nude and heavy, tell him to get down there. Don’t go down on him first. Make him earn it.
Have you considered asking him?
HUH?!?!?! That’s fucking illegal! ? so sick. Dude groomed her
You sound like youre in a ton of pain and Im sorry for how your parents raised you.
You say youre working on this and want to learn, have you considered therapy?
It will, for sure, help you heal from your family stuff and help you grow/learn what a healthy relationship can be like.
It requires work and time, if you trust the process you will definitely see results. Best to you?
Ah.
I think then maybe you are not as high up on her friend list as she is on yours. I'm sorry about that.
To answer your original post, if you would rather go alone then do it. You definitely shouldn't feel bad about preferring to go alone
when I told him he was really worried and “wanted to be there to support me” and told me that “we would handle this together”. Although that evening he continued to go out and party until 4:00 a.m. with a friend that was visiting from out of town.
This should tell you everything you need to know. He's not the one and was only using you. He will never be there for you when you need him. You're young and you've got a lot going for you. Use this as an opportunity to learn and move on.
She has said that she tried in the past but that it never went well and caused mental health issues. I feel like she thinks the way she is now is better than suffering mentally and I agree. But I believe if she felt she had the power to do it. And if she felt she was beautiful and appreciated and loved no matter what happens and she had support. She could do anything. I think she wants to but doesn’t feel she needs to right now. And I’m not in any rush either. I’m more in a rush to make my intentions known. That I want her to be healthier not thinner. And obese is not healthy.
You get it
Tell him his friend is nude.
Am I in a position to do so? I'm just 19 I'm doing a undergraduate degree in engineering. My family is in the UK and I'll be going there to do my masters and I'll work there so I was planning to confront them when I get a job
That's right. The best I can do really is to be there for her and have her best interests in mind regardless
Couldn’t pay me to do that. He’s a liar liar pants on fire
No, it should not. It is an antiquated custom.
Everything you described above is textbook emotional abuse. You ARE being abused.
Yikes. I had to go back to the start to check your ages once I got to the end. You’re 36. I was thinking maybe 22 the way this is written out with all this drama and apparent separation from reality.
Truly are you THAT desperate (or your last is filled with such terrible relationships) that you think THIS is a great guy that ticks all your boxes and a great relationship? Really?! Because this is a disaster. An utter disaster all over. I can’t even. I’m just shocked.
But yes he’s right walk away, run away. He is not perfect. No one is actually. But also he isn’t perfect for you. This is a terrible relationship and you need lots of counseling to work through that and see how bad it was and get some healthy relationship perspectives going.
I was very close to my mom my entire life, she was my best friend. We had lunch dates weekly, girls' day at a spa once every other month, for years. Then I got a job offer around 1300 km away. It was great pay with great benefits. Of course, mom was upset because I'm her oldest daughter and we'd see each other way less. We called and talked several times a week and maintained our closeness, just not physically, because I wasn't as happy in that state as I am here. I met my partner shortly after moving here and the happiness I had made her happy. She came to see me for what was her last Christmas and I even talked to her the night before she died. My siblings stayed living at home, but never were as close as I was.
I told you this, because I think it's important to remember that your son's happiness and his wife's are what he's thinking of. I'm not trying to be mean, but his happiness does not require taking you (or your cultural norms) into consideration. And, your happiness should not be dependent on how close in proximity your children are.
If you continue to try making him “take me into consideration” or “think about me”, you're going to sour your relationship with him. His love for his family doesn't dissolve just because he moved away, he still loves you. You're still his mother. But, don't smother him or his happiness (and his reasonings are not excuses, they're very valid reasons!).
It'll take time and quite a bit of effort on your part, but you can still be happy while your child is happy elsewhere. You should be proud he's so independent. He's building another life, and he's not forgotten about you.
OK, it's up to you. I wouldn't go as far as telling them to f* themselves, I'd just ignore them.
I am saying something very basic that everyone is misinterpreting or getting wrong: you set your own boundaries for what you tolerate. Therefore, if you think someone doing xyz is cheating and you won’t tolerate that, you break up with them. And you can say, this is my boundary, this makes me so uncomfortable that I can’t be in a relationship where it happens, and break up with them if they persist. But you CAN’T say “you can’t do xyz” because that isn’t setting a boundary, that is setting a rule for the other person to follow. It is attempting to control the other person. Honestly, I don’t even think it’s worth getting into whether or not it’s okay to set rules – I’m just saying rules are NOT boundaries, they are things you impose on others. Boundaries are things you impose on yourself for your own self worth/health.
It's very simple, if you want to be married and he doesn't he NEVER will make it a reality. With that said, I would simply approach him and give him a date of when you would like to get married. Ask him point blank if that time works for him, and give him time to think about it. If he still doesn't have an answer explain to him that marriage is important to you and you won't stay in the relationship if marriage is not part of the plan. Give him time to think again about the conversation and approach the topic once more.
If he cannot give you a clear date of when he will marry you, and again I said MARRY not propose, walk away. The reality of the situation is that if it isn't a yes it is a no.
Don't ask questions that you can't handle the answer too.
There IS a lot of value in it. You both may have to go through a few therapists before you find one you “vibe” with. But if she’s worth the effort, be open to it. If she’s not open to it, then you need ask her point blank if she values you at all! And tell her to be truthful. At this point, it sounds like a lot of time is being wasted.
In other words he is finished but wants a soft exit and a few weeks to keep you on the hook while he finds someone else.
It sounds like you should dump his ass.
Any illegal drugs are a huge deal breaker for me. I have a few reasons but one of the chief ones besides I don't want to be with a drug user is that I don't want any sort of connection that would put me in any legal jeopardy.
Anyways these are only a few things and I'm fucking stressed. And it's like there are days, so many days where I genuinely think something isn't right with his head, he's got a screw loose or something. What the hell do I do
You stop acting as though this is a “him” problem.
You are finding men with this trait and then voluntarily choosing to date them. THAT is the cause of your problem, unless you're honestly saying that you think the solution is for some deity to re-write reality so that there's no men of this type for you to pick?
If you don't want to date a childish man, you need to refuse to date them – you need to wait until you find yourself getting intimate with a man who doesn't have these traits and then build a relationship with him.
Right now, you're choosing to be in this situation. You're choosing to be complaining about how much you hate your boyfriend rather than finding one you don't hate. It's a free, uncoerced choice you're making.
I appreciate these comments and the different perspectives. I’ve been ready to throw in the towel several times but have always reconsidered. I never thought about hiring a professional to help organize. We did try counseling once, but that was a disaster.