This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
Please forgive me in advance for this absolute book of a post. It includes a lot of history on my mom and our relationship together.
My mom had me when she was 17 years old. My dad was in the picture, but they divorced when I was 3. We lived in a very small town in NE Oklahoma where there wasn't much to do outside of party. She had purchased a house with some money she'd won from a lawsuit(car accident) and didn't work. We spent EVERY DAY together when I was very young, and she would often have me along for outings with friends, parties, and pretty much everything else. While she didn't use when I was in the womb, recreational drugs were always a part of her life(before and after my birth). My mom was always emotionally unstable, which combined with the partying always made things much more difficult.
Growing up, the people my mom chose to surround herself with were usually pretty shady. Her boyfriends(there were many) were usually pretty sketchy. Most of the time they weren't abusive, but made stupid choices and put us into bad situations. However, when I was 10, my mom met this guy, Chris. Chris was a fucking nightmare.
On the surface, Chris was just an idiot. He was a “good-looking” Mexican man with muscles, a 5 o'clock shadow, and a serious drinking problem. My mom was fucking nuts about this guy. Chris was the kind of person who, when sober, just thought he was the smartest person alive and would gladly tell you so. When he was drunk, anything that didn't go his way, instantly set him into a violent rage. He would never hesitate to shove my mom or me around, rip the phone line out of the wall so we couldn't call the cops, get into fist fights with anyone/anything, the works. Shortly after meeting him, my mom got pregnant.
Before my little brother was 1 year old, Chris had been arrested for domestic violence and was spending a long stent in jail. He had been arrested before for his abuse of my mom, but she would never press charges. He had done something stupid at a local bar and gotten into a fight with someone else. But it was nice that he was gone, and I begged my mom to NEVER let him come back. She knew he was bad for us, but as soon as he was out of jail, he was back around.
The abuse/jail/return cycle was a thing for the next couple of years. My mom would split off from Chris but always use “your brother needs a dad” as an excuse to bring him back around. She knew I didn't like it so she would constantly lie to me about having him around. She was also always getting high or drunk and it always fueled the problems. I always had the option to move in with my Dad, but stayed because I was the only one who could actually keep my little brother safe.
When I was 15, I'd had enough. I cut my mom off, told her she needed to get her shit together and not to call me until she did. I moved in with my dad. My mom finally pressed charges against Chris and sold her house in the small town. Chris had practically kidnapped my baby brother in a drunken rage, they found him walking down a railroad track in the country at 3am in sub-freezing temps. Even his whole family cut him out of their lives. Eventually, she moved away from the small town and took my Brother with her. She started to get sober.
By the time I was 18, she had moved back to Oklahoma, but to a different town about 4 hrs away. My mom still had my brother, was clean, and was about to graduate nursing school. Chris had made attempts to contact them, but had been turned down and reported for violating the restraining order that protected both my mom and little brother. Things seemed to be getting better.
In the following decade, my mom stayed clean(or at least didn't get caught using), kept her nursing job, and got remarried. I had met my Wife, we lived about 5 hrs away but would regularly see my mom and brother. My mom had apologized for everything that happened in the past and we'd rebuilt our relationship.
Around 4 years ago, My mom was unhappy in her marriage. Nothing was horribly wrong, she had married someone the same age as her dad and they had different goals in life. My mom was making good money and was financially independent. She had started making comments about getting divorced and living on her own. Every great now and then, she'd bring up how passionate her relationship with Chris was and that she missed being “loved like that”. She would always counter that with things like “I would never bring him back, he was terrible!” or something to that effect.
Eventually, COVID hit and, being a nurse, Mom posed a huge risk to her older husband. She took this as an opportunity to move into her own rental home and away from her Husband. She started making her own life without him but stayed married to him because she didn't want to deal with the hassle of going through a divorce. I always suggested she should move forward with the divorce because she was unhappy. She has always been afraid of conflict and tried to avoid it at all costs, so she just didn't get a divorce. Eventually she even bought her own home and now lives apart from her husband.
Last year, My wife and I welcomed our first child. My mom was ecstatic. She and my brother took time off work and made the trip to stay at our house and wait almost a month for the baby to be born. The day we brought the baby home from the hospital, my mom let a comment slip that blew my mind. She let it slip that Alice, Chris' sister, said our baby was adorable. I had no idea my mom was still in contact with her, and I knew that the sister had once cut Chris out, but I told her the following.
“There is no one who has anything to do with Chris, that will EVER have anything to do with my daughter. That man has caused enough harm in our lives and I'm not about to let it continue into hers. I dont want him to even know her name, let alone what she looks like. Please do not share anything about her with anyone who has anything to do with him. Him knowing anything about her is a safety issue for all of us. He would absolutely use her to get to you, just like he used to do with my brother.”
She was upset but agreed that he had always had a negative effect on everything and said she wouldn't share anything with anyone else. I asked her if she had been contacting him and she, very expressively, said absolutely not. I told her that he would jeopardize everything she has worked for and that any involvement with him would absolutely ruin anything we have rebuilt.
Fast forward 1 year. My Mom, little brother, and the whole family are visiting for my daughter's 1st birthday. The night before the party, my wife and mom are in the car after getting some groceries. My mom answers her phone and a man(not her husband) is on the other line. He goes on to talk about how he misses my mom and that he wishes she could come back already. They end the call with a mutual “I love you”. My wife came home and told my brother and me about how odd it was and asked my brother if he knew what was going on.
My brother was pretty visibly upset. He said, “I know, but I can't tell you”. He's an adult now but has been financially supported by my mom while he's in school. I told him I understand and that I won't pressure him for a name or anything. I asked “Will I be mad?” He responded with “Well, I'm fucking livid”.
I confronted my mom about it, she lied over and over again but eventually gave in. Not only was it Chris, but she had convinced him to move to the same town as her when she got her rental house 4 years ago! She'd been blackmailing my brother into not telling me, but there had been serious safety concerns. I looked online and found several instances in the local newspaper where he'd been arrested. Each time, she's tried to push him away but she always brings him back because “she's lonely”.
I told her that, because she'd brought my brother and her Mom, they can stay for the party. After the party, we're cutting my mom off completely. I told her I wouldn't allow her to have anything to do with my daughter until she'd found some way to prove Chris had been out of her life for 6 months, and she'd been working with a therapist for 6 months. She was very upset, but she didn't really fight it much. She said she'd “get rid of him” but I really can't trust that at all.
I asked her if her husband knew. Of course, he didn't. I told her that she needs to tell him. I told her she had 4 days to tell him in person or that I was going to call him. She absolutely fucking lost it. She started blaming me saying things like “You're so judgmental! Why would you want to hurt my husband like that!”, “you're just trying to punish me! Why are you so mean!?”. I was blown away that this seemed to bother her more than the idea of losing her grandkid. I also tried to explain that these are her actions that are hurting people, not that they know it's happening. I also tried to explain that she's jeopardizing her nursing license and everything she's worked for, just f
Not being an alcoholic is not boring. Being an alcoholic is boring. Your girlfriend is an alcoholic.
The question mark at the end of your post indicates that you are questioning whether or not he needs the space and I am saying that he does.
In my opinion (and apparently yours too) sex every couple years you're not in a relationship, you have a close friend/roommante
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
Please forgive me in advance for this absolute book of a post. It includes a lot of history on my mom and our relationship together.
My mom had me when she was 17 years old. My dad was in the picture, but they divorced when I was 3. We lived in a very small town in NE Oklahoma where there wasn't much to do outside of party. She had purchased a house with some money she'd won from a lawsuit(car accident) and didn't work. We spent EVERY DAY together when I was very young, and she would often have me along for outings with friends, parties, and pretty much everything else. While she didn't use when I was in the womb, recreational drugs were always a part of her life(before and after my birth). My mom was always emotionally unstable, which combined with the partying always made things much more difficult.
Growing up, the people my mom chose to surround herself with were usually pretty shady. Her boyfriends(there were many) were usually pretty sketchy. Most of the time they weren't abusive, but made stupid choices and put us into bad situations. However, when I was 10, my mom met this guy, Chris. Chris was a fucking nightmare.
On the surface, Chris was just an idiot. He was a “good-looking” Mexican man with muscles, a 5 o'clock shadow, and a serious drinking problem. My mom was fucking nuts about this guy. Chris was the kind of person who, when sober, just thought he was the smartest person alive and would gladly tell you so. When he was drunk, anything that didn't go his way, instantly set him into a violent rage. He would never hesitate to shove my mom or me around, rip the phone line out of the wall so we couldn't call the cops, get into fist fights with anyone/anything, the works. Shortly after meeting him, my mom got pregnant.
Before my little brother was 1 year old, Chris had been arrested for domestic violence and was spending a long stent in jail. He had been arrested before for his abuse of my mom, but she would never press charges. He had done something stupid at a local bar and gotten into a fight with someone else. But it was nice that he was gone, and I begged my mom to NEVER let him come back. She knew he was bad for us, but as soon as he was out of jail, he was back around.
The abuse/jail/return cycle was a thing for the next couple of years. My mom would split off from Chris but always use “your brother needs a dad” as an excuse to bring him back around. She knew I didn't like it so she would constantly lie to me about having him around. She was also always getting high or drunk and it always fueled the problems. I always had the option to move in with my Dad, but stayed because I was the only one who could actually keep my little brother safe.
When I was 15, I'd had enough. I cut my mom off, told her she needed to get her shit together and not to call me until she did. I moved in with my dad. My mom finally pressed charges against Chris and sold her house in the small town. Chris had practically kidnapped my baby brother in a drunken rage, they found him walking down a railroad track in the country at 3am in sub-freezing temps. Even his whole family cut him out of their lives. Eventually, she moved away from the small town and took my Brother with her. She started to get sober.
By the time I was 18, she had moved back to Oklahoma, but to a different town about 4 hrs away. My mom still had my brother, was clean, and was about to graduate nursing school. Chris had made attempts to contact them, but had been turned down and reported for violating the restraining order that protected both my mom and little brother. Things seemed to be getting better.
In the following decade, my mom stayed clean(or at least didn't get caught using), kept her nursing job, and got remarried. I had met my Wife, we lived about 5 hrs away but would regularly see my mom and brother. My mom had apologized for everything that happened in the past and we'd rebuilt our relationship.
Around 4 years ago, My mom was unhappy in her marriage. Nothing was horribly wrong, she had married someone the same age as her dad and they had different goals in life. My mom was making good money and was financially independent. She had started making comments about getting divorced and living on her own. Every great now and then, she'd bring up how passionate her relationship with Chris was and that she missed being “loved like that”. She would always counter that with things like “I would never bring him back, he was terrible!” or something to that effect.
Eventually, COVID hit and, being a nurse, Mom posed a huge risk to her older husband. She took this as an opportunity to move into her own rental home and away from her Husband. She started making her own life without him but stayed married to him because she didn't want to deal with the hassle of going through a divorce. I always suggested she should move forward with the divorce because she was unhappy. She has always been afraid of conflict and tried to avoid it at all costs, so she just didn't get a divorce. Eventually she even bought her own home and now lives apart from her husband.
Last year, My wife and I welcomed our first child. My mom was ecstatic. She and my brother took time off work and made the trip to stay at our house and wait almost a month for the baby to be born. The day we brought the baby home from the hospital, my mom let a comment slip that blew my mind. She let it slip that Alice, Chris' sister, said our baby was adorable. I had no idea my mom was still in contact with her, and I knew that the sister had once cut Chris out, but I told her the following.
“There is no one who has anything to do with Chris, that will EVER have anything to do with my daughter. That man has caused enough harm in our lives and I'm not about to let it continue into hers. I dont want him to even know her name, let alone what she looks like. Please do not share anything about her with anyone who has anything to do with him. Him knowing anything about her is a safety issue for all of us. He would absolutely use her to get to you, just like he used to do with my brother.”
She was upset but agreed that he had always had a negative effect on everything and said she wouldn't share anything with anyone else. I asked her if she had been contacting him and she, very expressively, said absolutely not. I told her that he would jeopardize everything she has worked for and that any involvement with him would absolutely ruin anything we have rebuilt.
Fast forward 1 year. My Mom, little brother, and the whole family are visiting for my daughter's 1st birthday. The night before the party, my wife and mom are in the car after getting some groceries. My mom answers her phone and a man(not her husband) is on the other line. He goes on to talk about how he misses my mom and that he wishes she could come back already. They end the call with a mutual “I love you”. My wife came home and told my brother and me about how odd it was and asked my brother if he knew what was going on.
My brother was pretty visibly upset. He said, “I know, but I can't tell you”. He's an adult now but has been financially supported by my mom while he's in school. I told him I understand and that I won't pressure him for a name or anything. I asked “Will I be mad?” He responded with “Well, I'm fucking livid”.
I confronted my mom about it, she lied over and over again but eventually gave in. Not only was it Chris, but she had convinced him to move to the same town as her when she got her rental house 4 years ago! She'd been blackmailing my brother into not telling me, but there had been serious safety concerns. I looked online and found several instances in the local newspaper where he'd been arrested. Each time, she's tried to push him away but she always brings him back because “she's lonely”.
I told her that, because she'd brought my brother and her Mom, they can stay for the party. After the party, we're cutting my mom off completely. I told her I wouldn't allow her to have anything to do with my daughter until she'd found some way to prove Chris had been out of her life for 6 months, and she'd been working with a therapist for 6 months. She was very upset, but she didn't really fight it much. She said she'd “get rid of him” but I really can't trust that at all.
I asked her if her husband knew. Of course, he didn't. I told her that she needs to tell him. I told her she had 4 days to tell him in person or that I was going to call him. She absolutely fucking lost it. She started blaming me saying things like “You're so judgmental! Why would you want to hurt my husband like that!”, “you're just trying to punish me! Why are you so mean!?”. I was blown away that this seemed to bother her more than the idea of losing her grandkid. I also tried to explain that these are her actions that are hurting people, not that they know it's happening. I also tried to explain that she's jeopardizing her nursing license and everything she's worked for, just f