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You have to decide if having kids is important enough to you to leave her. You don’t want to have kids with someone who doesn’t want them.
My mother was married to another man before my father. She left him because he didn’t want to have kids. He tried to keep her by compromising and saying he would have a kid, but she didn’t want to have kids with someone who didn’t really want them.
Everything you wrote could be turned back on her. “She needs to communicate. Don’t just assume he’s cool with you fucking other guys while you two are dating, then get mad when your assumptions are wrong”. I know Reddit likes to act like this style is the new norm, but it’s not. A date is a prelude to a committed relationship until someone ends it. This isn’t just finding fuck buddies on tinder where exclusivity needs to be discussed (whether exclusively fucking or not).
I used the tinder example to show I’m not sex shaming, just shaming her for her sketchy behavior.
And nobody said anything about dating for marriage. They were dating for commitment, which she obviously showed she has difficulty with.
You (Op) deserves better too.
Thanks. I appreciate that. I guess you are right.
If your that unsure go ahead but if that person says no then tells your partner be ready for what will probibly follow
Question is why did you go back
Anyway back to the discussion, so let me make sure I have facts straight before I fully answer. If OP was 18, Ole dude would have been 36 and if she was 21, he would have been 38, right?
So in 2020 she posted that, at the time of the post, she was 20 and he was 33, and that they began dating right after she turned 18. That obviously doesn't align with their ages here and in another comment she says she switches details sometimes for anonymity. In another comment she said she was 21 when they met. So overall it's unclear her specific age when they met.
And yes, she said she was a waitress at a strip club when they met. But then in another post she calls it a country club, which I thought was a different thing entirely?
She also has a post about wanting to get another vehicle and her husband intentionally waiting til the best deals are over to say “Yes,” in a way that makes it clear he was trying to prevent them from getting another car. In one post she also says he told her it would be better if she stayed home and parented rather than going to college, but then in another post she tried community college for a bit and then dropped out.
One post of hers says they got married right before she got pregnant the first time, but another post says she was “late in her pregnancy” when they got married.
Honestly I'm confusing myself even writing this. Many of the details in one post will contradict those in another so it's hot to know what is actually accurate and what isn't.
It is an invasion of her privacy. She's being reasonable.
Tell him, let him make the decision if he wishes to be in his kid's life, and five your kid the opportunity to have a father
The best thing for both of you us to end things now, it will hurt, but it will hurt much less now than later. You want different things from life and that's okay, but for both your sakes please end it… You are both young enough to find what you want in other people, don't wait until you are older, doing wait until you get to the point where you believe it is time to actually have kids… This kind of thing will destroy both of you, the bitterness and resentment will build slowly over time, you won't notice it until you already hate each other… Speaking from experience here
Don’t fuck your coworker, never fuck your coworker.
Seriously, there’s so many people on this planet do NOT do this with someone you work with and see every day.
I remember how difficult that first holiday season sober was, be patient with yourself and give yourself a lot of grace. If you're uncomfortable it's ok to leave, your sobriety is more important.
Good luck & I'm proud of you. It really will become less difficult and all encompassing in time, but always remain vigilant.
You probably overlooked so many red flags but this was just “it” for you. Everything clicked and you rightly decided to leave. You can be triggered by things sure, however how you react to them is on you. Her hitting you in the chest was abuse and being triggered doesn’t justify abuse.
Your smart to get out now.
Tell her if she uses it it actually creates more memories with that item vs just the one where she opens the gift.
How does he like working on projects and not have tools? Why is sharing a pain if you don’t use yours?
Also i wasn’t saying you’ll use the tools, i was saying you’ll ask him to help out with the tools lol. If I got a toolset from my ex I’d think she just had work for me.
You said he’s a gamer right? Doesn’t his console have all that? Idk I hate the whole idea of gift giving on Christmas thing. I hate having redundant gifts. All of it lol
Saying that it’s impossible to have a child with brown eyes is ridiculous. That’s the point. I’m aware that blue is recessive.
You can't fix this. You can't set a boundary if you're not willing to leave. There are no magic words to make him listen to you.
Get a lawyer and start finding your way out of this mess. You can waste another couple of years on futile efforts to make a bad person behave well, or you can deal with the mess now and get it over with.
Good grief…
If it was just a friendship he wouldn’t have lied about it. There are so many red flags here.
There is no way that he’s going to cut contact with her. You have to know this. Dating is what you do ti find out about the other person to see if you wish to continue. Two months is not nearly enough time to know someone, let alone be in love with them. At this point this is a pattern for him. He won’t change and you risk losing years to a relationship that will only frustrate you.
Yes it's stupid. Also, give her 1 ply. And tell her she needs to actually be considerate.
Truthfully. Show her this. Maybe she will take it seriously.
Also, make he pray for the plumber
It's not just drunk talk, it's very real shit. But, you also shouldn't be worried. The way you present it, he has excellent control over that. You're shocked, right? Didn't think he had it in him? Well, he's doing a great fucking job keeping it under control.
People have extreme anger for lots of reasons. Maybe his family was abusive and he doesn't want to be like that. Maybe he actually just has a pretty normal amount of anger and he only thinks its particularly severe because he doesn't really have a great handle on what other people's emotional lives are like.
But he was just opening up to you about his emotional life, it didn't resemble a murder confession or a foreshadowing of impending abuse imo.
Okay but like if I sacrifice social life and move out there's no point of moving out anymore cus I wanna move out just so that I can hook up with people
Please don’t excuse his behavior because he was allegedly drunk. Drunk words and actions are true ones. He couldn’t deny anything because you had already seen what he did. Same as before, couldn’t deny because you heard it personally. If you continue to forgive him, he will continue to hurt you. Your repeated forgiveness has made it, in his mind, ok. Because he isn’t held accountable for his actions and there are no real consequences. I’m not blaming you, his actions are his own, but know your worth and what you deserve. You deserve to be with someone who is honest and puts you before his need to get off. He is a walking red flag. You may feel you’ve been together for however long, so it would be wasted time. The question is how much longer do you want to waste being disrespected? He has shown you who he is twice, believe him.
Also, sounds like he is lining himself up for a bunch of sexual harassment cases. He is putting his business at risk. He literally could lose it which he would deserve.
This and this and this. My sister has nearly the list your wife does. The only way to curb the effects of BPD is an entire decade of DBT therapy. Your wife has to be committed 100% and daily to this therapy.
She is not. You are not responsible for her as she is an autonomous, grown woman.
Unfortunately, some people with BPD are not able to see themselves and are in deep denial due to shame triggers. BPD can be treated and people who had it can be absolutely wonderful, the same things that attracted you to her can be nearly daily! However, that is ten years down the road and is her responsibility. And for her, each day will be hot. Heck, admitting she needs help will be extremely hard.
OP, I hate to say it, but let this bird fly. If you send her to inpatient therapy – you can fill in the blanks of the fallout. I worry about you and your safety.
Please take care of YOURSELF. Make sure you are happy and healthy. Her emotions are not your fault nor your problem. Please make sure to not try to help her with them and do what you can for your own joy.
I don't get it. On one hand you're saying you have a beautiful life, and on the other you say there's emotional abuse.
To me, it sounds like your partner is struggling mentally. Probably because she suffered a severe injury like you said. Maybe you can talk to her about her behavior. She could be depressed and needs professional help.
As far as your colleague.. it's highly inappropriate. Why would you allow yourself to talk to her outside of work for hours. Especially since you're saying your kind of her manager. Does she know you're in a relationship? If she does know, that should tell you all you need to know about her integrity.
And have you thought about what would happen if this blows up in your face? What kind of consequences do you think there will be workwise? You're in a power position as her manager.
My advice; be a professional and stop engaging with your 22 year old coworker outside of work.
Also tell your fiance what you've been up too. See what she has to say about it. Let's see if she wants to continue this “amazing life with a beautifully furnished house in the most amazing location”, with you.
She didnt say anything because you didn't do anything till now. Talk is one thing dates are another. If your ex felt some type of way then no contact is the way to go.
If you feel some type of way then you need to brake it off with the new girl. Cause you are not over your ex and that is not being open and honest with the new girl. Otherwise you would be able to give your ex the no contact she requested.
Did you at no homo afterwards? If you didn’t, I got news for ya bud…
Your body your choice, with a caveat that your choice may result in you being single. Some women like beards, some women hate them, some women don’t care. Your gf doesn’t like them, and she’s entitled to her preference (just like I’m sure you have your own preferences).
Might be worth asking why she doesn’t like it (I.e. is it the aesthetic she hates or the feeling on her face?). If it’s the feeling, good beard care could help with that. If it’s the look, you might get dumped.
My preference is clean shaven but my SO has a beard. He takes care of it most of the time, but if he slacks off then kissing or making out is uncomfortable and not fun. So keep that in mind.
It is alarming you even need advice on this…you will be devaluing yourself by selling your house, and then by moving into a woman's place which is a rental apartment. Don't set yourself up for a bad situation.
It's a conversation about his fucking beard. Not some life altering decision. You need to chill with all that projecting, holy shit dude lol.
“His body his choice” is a stupid argument when she is the one that has to be stabbed a thousand times every time they kiss. Would you tell someone who doesn't shower that too? Yes probably, but that doesn't mean you couldn't ask them because they make interacting difficult and painful.
Relationships are about communication and at times compromising. Saying “my body my choice” and shutting it down is not how a relationship works all the time and not the advice you should be giving. You have a terrible outlook and I question if you're even in a healthy relationship.
(See how shitty projecting on to someone is?)
With all that being said, I would never take any advice from you or anyone that is that closed minded. I would ask you to please stop.
I shared my kink with an ex I was dating for 6 months and she said I should have told her earlier and implied that she was entitled to that information.. I dumped her soon after.. don't bother wasting your time honestly if she's that hung up over it, especially in a relatively new relationship.. she's basically telling you that if you'd disclosed it sooner she would have dumped you.. so do her a favour
hon, honesty is overrated. dudes will run on hearing the number. start over somewhere you won't run into hookups and keep your shit to yourself.
So you are the issue, not her. Dude work on yourself, you aren’t ready for a mature relationship. “Testing” someone is for children, not adults.
Do you think your penis might show a bit more when your walking around with just boxers?
Could be the case
No. The system is rigged and they got him for stealing a pack of gum that fell into his pocket at checkout. In any case it's more important he tells you beforehand than letting you waste your time.
That’s an odd thing for your friends to say to you.
Anyway, easiest way to find out how he feels is to back off a bit. Don’t be a bitch or ghost him, just don’t give him as much. Hit up the apps and talk to someone else to take your mind off him. If he only saw you as a person to get free phone sex from, he’ll leave when you stop giving it to him.
That's a new term to me. It sounds good.
U ingrate
He knew he had HIV, ejaculated inside you after talking you into not using a condom, and now wants to act like it's not a big deal? Herpes isn't a huge deal, HIV can cause massive long-term health issues, especially in women of childbearing age. He can go to prison for what he did in exposing you like that.
Please, please, please break up with him. Not because he's HIV-positive, but because he lied to you and risked your health. My friend who is HIV-positive is the one that linked this to me and we're both in open-mouthed shock because that's not the actions of someone who cares.
Is he taking daily medication to control his HIV? If not, your exposure risk is exponentially higher. Someone who takes their medication daily can often have undetectable levels of the virus, but you still need to use protection every time for your own safety.
You need to request HIV testing and post-exposure prophylaxis medication. You can do that through your local health department or your primary care physician, or a place like Planned Parenthood.
Please take this seriously. He committed a crime and risked your health for “reasons” that ring rather hollow. If he cared about you, he wouldn't have risked your health, he would have given you the options to protect yourself.
Yes, sadly.
Believe me, at 31F and dating for 11 years she has no one to blame for the state of her not having a child except herself. I am 100% positive she has addressed this with him, her friends and her family before so anything that comes after is on her. I would definitely evaluate the friendship but continue to not saying because again, not your relationship.
That's essentially what I wanted. I didn't mind him getting his sexual needs met elsewhere.
My mom’s friend was around her age and was dating a man around yours. They were very happy together and engaged, but then he got sick seemingly very quickly because he refused to go to the doctor, and then he died very soon after finally being diagnosed. It all came as a complete shock and heartbreak to my mom’s friend and she’s still recovering from the grief.
No way in hell should you not tell the truth because if things go downhill fast you do not want her to be blindsided. That’s just more painful than the truth and I think she’d appreciate the truth more.
What makes you think this is the first time she’s gotten in a car with a random dude?
It wasn't the booze.
When you went outside, you turned your attention to your friends, so completely that you were unaware of her until one of them saw what she was doing. I suspect it was longer than a few minutes – or at least, to her, it felt that way. She felt ignored, and wanted to teach you a hard lesson. [Maybe she was angry about something else, but this is the only clue your story provides.]
She was satisfied that she'd made her point – until you broke up with her. So now she's blaming the booze. I don't think that you should accept that explanation. I would instead insist that no matter how mistreated and righteously angry she feels, she needs to look you in the eye and say, for your ears only, exactly what she is feeling and why. Public spectacle is off.
That can be your Forgive Once speech, or your Farewell. You've known her for a year, and all I got is one admittedly very rough night.
And what would the effects of a nuclear explosion do to the climate too?
Nothing. But it seems you’re willing to jump ship to someone who might marry you sooner. I’d assume you’d want to reconnect with ex before jumping into a marriage so you’d essentially be dumping your current boyfriend and what? Immediately moving in with the ex? It’s just not great optics and frankly I’d be pissed if I was either man in this case. It’s shady how you’re talking to someone else because you’re mad about the situation.
You haven’t unpacked your baggage from your current relationship so you shouldn’t be carting that baggage to someone else’s door to clean up for you.
My husband was in a band with the guy I lost my virginity to. We’re all adults and have new relationships, but he’s a good guy so we stayed friends. Was never an issue.
W T F
You’ll have to contact the credit bureaus and report her for false claims… that’s not actually a legal thing she’s doing. I’d also put a lock on credit …until time to get new car.
Love, please take a deep breath and understand that everything you are laying out about your current situation is a frightening picture of abuse. You are in survival mode right now and your brain has normalized all of this.
It's not normal. The comments he makes about your body are not normal (or true). They are emotionally abusive. Him controlling all of your money is not normal. That's abuse. You being frightened of talking with him about these things is not normal. It's a symptom of abuse. Him controlling what you eat is not normal. That is abuse. Him cutting you off from family and friends is textbook abuse (and no, it is not normal for adults to have no friends).
You are in an abusive relationship. It's not your fault. He wants you to feel that it is, that you deserve this treatment. He doesn't want you to trust yourself. He doesn't want you to know that you can get yourself and your babies out of this nightmare. But you can. And you deserve to. I know it's scary and because your brain has normalized this situation you may not even think it is necessary. That's a full on trauma response. But it is necessary for you to get out of this situation. Him denying you food IS physical abuse. All of the things he is doing to you are abusive behaviors. And you do NOT deserve that. Nor do your babies.
Call the domestic violence hotline and start making a plan. You CAN change this situation and you need to start making a plan to do so before it gets even worse.
I think Someone's been giving you the wrong kinda guidance or advice, or your comparison monkey is cutting loose.
At any point in life there are a few #1 priorities that just – ARE. Till they aren't.
See how that works?
Nor do you have to get it right – there rarely is enough information to make all the right decisions – otherwise the decisions would be automatic.
And beyond the #1 priorities – everything that you did – was the best choice you could make under the circumstances.
If you grew in career but not in romance, you made that choice.
And if you think you missed out, so now have to make up for what you missed, you might just be trading career ambition for “making up” ambition.
Which simply means you will repeat 16 to 27 but in a lesser degree.
I think you have to accept yourself first and your life so far. Everything else comes next.
I’ve got 3 kids I don’t think anyone would be signing up to date me and that’s fair
I do ?
Sure! Sorry for the inconvenience
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I have considered therapy and should probably do it. I wanted to post here because I want to hear about real experiences such as the one you shared.
How did you fail to breakup? Breakups aren't negotiations. He doesn't have to like it or agree. Just tell him this is no longer working for you, and block him on everything.
Also, I am sure I don't have to say how gross it is that a 31 year old targeted a 21 year old. Ewww.
I considered that but I actually know a considerable amount so I don't want to be dishonest by acting like I want to learn more/acting like I don't know a lot. We have had lots of conversations about cannabis before and we have also talked about our pets/our love of animals, our coffee orders, and just about life in general. I usually end up staying in store longer than normal when he is in store because we get caught in conversation.
Regardless of whether or not he has feelings for her (hint: sounds like he does) she definitely has feelings for him, and while men and women can definitely be strictly platonic friends, it’s a huge disrespect to your relationship that he isn’t putting her in her place. But again, he definitely sounds like he has feelings for her. You’re only 22, dump his ass and find someone better.
my friend the best thing that has every happened to you walked out the door. don't ever let it back in, don't talk to it, don't text it and don't think about it again. there are women out there that don't care if you have 1 dollar or 1 mill in the bank and will care for you just for you. Find that person.
yes, I understand being alone for a long time makes finding someone after all that time hot, but don't ever settle you deserve the best. best of luck OP.
It’s not a big gap if you’re 40 and 45, but 19 and 24 is quite a big difference in maturity.
Grandparents rights wouldn’t apply here, they’re for situations where the grandparents were actively involved with the kids for a long time.
I mean i think you're a little late here. They seem to have settled on being ok with the issues the relationships is built on in favor of certain purchasable objects as the solution they were looking for. ?
They are 18, it's likely their first serious relationship. They are learning. They may look back in a few months or years and reconsider or not.
OP did say she enjoys the sex and wants her partner to initiate when he would like to have sex because she no longer thinks of sex for long periods of time. If OP was to initiate occasionally it might stop her partner from feeling undesirable or resentful from having to always initiate.
Yes , we have and I agree. Just how do you justify not saying prior .
Either he is seriously obsessed with being on time, or he’s looking for an excuse to break up. Any guy who treats you like this n isn’t worth your time and effort.
If he ever calls you again, tell him to get lost. You can do better.
Tuck tail and run. Absolutely nothing good will come out of this.
Feel free to decide whether or not to tell the husband, but regardless keep your distance from that situation. She's a burning fuse and you don't want to be anywhere near that explosion.
I just don’t understand how this people can keep up with so much bs…. My ex (2 years relationship) was dating the whole time this other girl… (I was the one that meet his friends and family and etc), anyways, one week before my birthday, this girl was giving birth their son lol!! I discover this not because he told me but because I found a receipt for a breast pump…. 2 years of life wasted!
So he watched girls that weren't hard via Facebook? And this was a violation of trust for you? Was there ever boundaries set in place as far as what you considered over stepping the lines?
You are 25, your sister is 21 and mature enough to be able to handle the consequences of her actions/opinions.
Your mom is also at fault because by not addressing the issue she is enabling the lies.
If I were you, I would sit down with the 21F sister and clear all of this nonsense.
I didn't read past the first few sentences. You are in an abusive, toxic relationship. Get out now before the violence escalates.
Pretend it didn’t happen and don’t mention it.
Hopefully she wont think about it.
If you have thought of it this long, then you need to do it. Spare her the time she otherwise she would have invested in you. That's the thing most young folks don't understand. Waiting is worse. Waiting and the other party will only continue to invest more time and feelings into the relationship. Do her and yourself a favor and end it.
Yea ngl OP she sounds like a grade A gaslighter idk if I could trust somebody that knew I was right and did all she could to make me feel crazy. On top of that she said he made her feel seen…that alarming af imo. She’s looking for outside validation and she expects you to blindly trust her after she lied and gaslit u lol idk man I’d get ready to cut my losses personally I can’t fuck w/liars
Yeah there is absolutely nothing to be gained at all. And really, OP should. take a hard look inward and parse out why she is wanting to do this.
She should stick to working on herself. Whatever 'change' he went through has zero to do with her.
The premise is just to each pay a percentage of expenses proportional to their respective salaries, and to each put that amount into a shared account each month. Extras can go toward entertainment or savings if they wish, or it can simply be used as a bill-pay account. That's how my partner and I do it, too.
(If the boyfriend makes X and OP makes 5X, their total income is 6X, of which the boyfriend makes about 17% and OP about 83%. So that's how they'd split expenses. If it were just the $5500 rent, the boyfriend would thus pay $935/month, but it'll be more than that after adding shared utilities, groceries, etc.)
Seriously! We love flowers.
There’s a commodity between the two and it’s a term I’ve seen in TikTok a lot. You may not like it, but OP isn’t pulling it out of nowhere and didn’t coin it.
(according to google maps).
Unless you've explicitly agreed to access your partner's history, this sort of snooping shit sucks, I wouldn't do this, it's only going to hurt you and reinforce patterns of distrust.
Humans have brains that are really, really good at looking for patterns, not always good at associating those patterns with reality. You could be right, or you could be looking for confirmation of your fears in unrelated behaviors.
Instead of torturing yourself wondering, why don't you sit down and give him a chance to be honest. You might not get the answer you want, or the truth, but you'll get an answer that will inform how you want to move forward.
“I've been worried since you weren't immediately honest with me the other day about (coworker), and so I'm feeling like the trust between us is a little shaky. I want to ask you directly instead of just speculating: Is there anything else you haven't told me?” or something to that degree.