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Bye bye. She doesn't respect you and the life you chose with your husband. Cut her off. Sometimes friendships don't get better overtime. Unfortunately some expire.
Fuck her one last time before you cut it off though ?
That’s perfectly fine. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s cool. But don’t shame people.
When I was 19 I had given birth twice and I was married.
20, 23, 7 years. Something fuckey here tbh
I have questions:
40s for women are usually pretty sexual so I wonder if your wife is having horomonal issues?
Low hormones can cause lack of sexual desire, especially her gaining weight…it could be early menopause or thyroid issues.
You said you think she should know you are unhappy but she can't read minds, have you talked to her? Honest communication is absolutely key!!!!
Your affair is concerning because it is not about your wife, although disrespectful to her & your marriage vows, that is 100% about your own lack of self respect and insecurity. If you have to indulge in attention from other women to feel better about yourself then you need to seek therapy. You can't blame your wife for an unhappy marriage when you yourself don't respect it nor her note yourself.
Remember, in sickness and in health. I will always suggest therapy for you and as a couple. She may be going thru some hormone issues which could cause depression… Ask her how she is doing? Show her you care.
My husband and I have gone thru ups and downs due to health challenges specifically due to emergency hysterectomy and female challenges that caused lack of intimacy but we worked thru it together…her supported me and then we got thru is and for the past 8 yrs have had the BEST sex ever (even better then when we first met when we 20). We are late 40s.
I hope you give your marriage another chance and try to help her and at least communicate better and more often.
Best wishes!
He brought up my coil – each time we have had sex I have also insisted he wears a condom. He then said if there was contracetive failure I would expect you at this stage to have an abortion as we are not married. It was as blunt as that.
That's the most obvious answer. Let's choose something else that you wouldn't assume but not like, oh right… blackmail. Either way, I'd try to delete OP's hot off his phone and not trust him with it. Imagine what happens when you 2 break up. Guys who don't delete nudes… yikes…
Do you really need help with this? Because we all know the answer to this. Move on…. Everything you wrote is clear as day and night. Sorry this happened to you. There’s no trust and loyalty at all in relationships.. it is always broken.
I would suggest her just writing what she gives you permission for. Inluding specific things not permitted. Then she has control over it. Might be a smoother discussion.
I would suggest her just writing what she gives you permission for. Inluding specific things not permitted. Then she has control over it. Might be a smoother discussion.
Save your relationship, talk it out. Be honest about your needs. But also, make sure it’s mutual… then Find a side piece.
“He is still providing excuses to avoid going to therapy.”
It might be “time to go” on the table. If he isn't willing to work through himself or work through himself with you, he is a lump of coal and needs to open himself up or be single. Either way, unless things change, you are single with a title, as is he. I know that you got on here to affirm your AGR, but this dude is broken and needs help. I'm in an AGR and we are healthy af. Its not because he's 33, he could be 23, or 13. You can't fix him unless he's willing to fix himself. I'm not advocating for ya'll to break up, but what I'm saying is that if you like him, to try to be the silver spoon to help himself. If he denies that, treat yourself to someone else. I had to make really tough choices myself to be a partner in my own AGR, and it required a lot of self reflection, but I did it for her and because of her, so that we could be best life. If he's unwilling to do so, move on.
You can find far more attractive, interesting and fun penpals on Reddit my friend
A predator would be not taking no for an answer. It’s just ridiculous to assume your gf doesn’t want to after she says yes and THEN proceeds to fake it!!!
She’s a grown up. Be a grown up. A victim mindset will keep you low, just where most people want to be because change is uncomfortable and takes effort. Why not blame someone else for my problems? That way, it’s not mine, because at the end of the day, I can’t control what they do. Do you realize how crazy that sounds?
Instead of a safe word for no would it be easier to require explicitly saying yes?
If he played a game while you cried without talking to you and you saying I just want to be alone he is not a partner. Leave him.
She sounds super insecure- that could be because of other things in your relationship or just because it's her natural state. Either way, stating a preference that you use pictures of the two of you is one thing, making a big deal out of it if you choose to use solo pictures is another.
If you are catching feelings after two dates then you should not be dating. That is serious red flag territory. Dating is a feel-you-out process, so you can get to know different people and find one you really mesh with. Over time.
Isn't it possible she shared her concerns about you cheating with friends or family and one of them has done the snipping?
Where do you on-line? My husband has a relative like this and the family got the courts to appoint a conservator. While she does go off her meds and end up inpatient fairly regularly the conservator arranges her medical care and she gets access to benefits including direction to assisted, supervised housing.
The boundary is, she doesn't come to our house. We take her out shopping or for meals out but we are not the ER. We do not do mental health support because sometimes when you try to help a drowning person they take you down with them.
What good are you doing for her when she needs medical help but goes to you? It took a few years to get my husband's relative to where she went to the hospital rather than family when she was going into an episode (usually from stopping meds). Think about it – the hospital will be here long after you are gone – or moved away
I would start looking for a local Chinese Society and start networking to see if you can find a swap or a room for them to stay in. If they start networking in the Chinese community you may find someone who is dying to go to the town where your in-laws on-line. Be creative.
You're literally the one getting mad that I think people should learn to communicate before they get married. I'm not upset at all. Hope you have a great day!
This is a little rough to hear but OP, it’s fair to say and good to seriously consider.
On one hand, as others have pointed out, you’re experiencing the human side of the often male-coded cliche of not making a move, developing hardcore infatuation, and then not being able to handle it when reality proceeds as normal when people can’t read each other’s minds, which is one person in a cute-friend-dynamic (or even a close-intimate-friend-dynamic) eventually gets into a relationship that progresses as relationships usually do.
Obviously, no one is entitled to a relationship with someone else and cultivating intense feelings over a long period but never makes a move is generally setting up for failure. If you make your move before things get so intense you can’t stay friends, then you have a chance to dust yourself off and re-invest in the friendship— or to just cut the cord early before it feels devastating to get rejected. Either option can be viable. If you wait until you’re crying and puking from heartbreak, it isn’t fair to you or fair to your friend to drag misery out or create huge drama— and definitely not fair to create any relationship turmoil for them, that would be toxic for everyone.
First of all, you need to bow out of this dynamic at a bare minimum until you have processed your emotions enough to be emotionally regulated. Whether that takes weeks or months, doesn’t matter. That’s your process and it’s on you.
Second, your attachment issues you disclose probably play a significant role in how hot this is hitting you for a range of reasons.
“Therapy” is trite but useful and often necessary to get through it and do growth so that you can communicate well and set boundaries well and not find yourself in this situation in the future. It can be very nude to develop healthy emotional connections when you have history that shaped some avoidant patterns. The solution isn’t getting over-attached to one person who feels safe and then losing your sense of stability and safety when they date someone else.
Luckily, as hot as this is, there’s a lot that’s in your control about these scenarios in the future. Working on your emotions so you can build stable connections without the one-sided dynamic or building infatuation outside of an actual relationship will help as you recover, even though it doesn’t help. Building your non-romantic support system, building a range of relationships, working very hot in therapy.
It’s time to take yourself out of this situation and deal with the emotions and the patterns you need to work through. Luckily, this situation doesn’t have to repeat itself as you heal from it.
I will try to surround myself with supportive people and keep trying to get a job. And I’ll try not to listen to the things he says. Thank you.
I know but it’s easier said than done lol
I put up with more than I really should have because of my own mental health issues, but typing this whole post out and seeing the comments has really solidified the fact that I know this isn't right.
Framing it as building a future with him is a very good way for me to see that this isn’t how I want the rest of my life to go.
Even if OP gets a job, unless they’re lucky it won’t be close to enough to afford a place to on-line, transport, food and everything else.
Who says he was alone? Unless he cut them off, he does have family.
Who says he was alone? Unless he cut them off, he does have family.
Sounds like you have a gut feeling about the way she would want it. Is she super close with family?
She is not entitled to him being her partner. End of story.
Fuck no! This is not normal, it’s manipulative and highly abusive! LEAVE
It shouldn’t really matter unless they have this as an agreement “you can’t sleep with my friends”. This is a fwb, sex without any strings attached. He should be able to sleep with all of her friends if it’s consensual between them.
I’m not blowing it out of proportion, I don’t think it’s a big deal
I just thought the act itself was a little weird considering I’d never think to do that with any female family friend.
It’s not about her being romantically involved with the guy. I just wanted her perspective on the situation and some advice if others thought this was a little off putting too.
Based on what I got, many agree it’s weird behaviour, but considering their relationship it’s not a huge deal, like I already said.
Never said it was legal advice. No need for the negativity.
He got sex toys for this 21 year old woman….very strange. Sex toys are usually gifted between partners or close friends, not for your partner's friend lol
He got sex toys for this 21 year old woman….very strange. Sex toys are usually gifted between partners or close friends, not for your partner's friend lol
This is classed as financial abuse . I'm be having a word with the bank .
But I love him
It's not cheating if he knows is it?
I can pretty much guarantee this is a shit post.
How do you know she didn’t?
And even if your decide to try to R, don't play the 'pick me'. It teaches the wrong lesson.
Bruh, most women out there want exactly what you do. Unless this girl craps gold nuggets and rainbows shoot out her vagina. Go find yourself someone who makes you happy and wants the things you want.
I hope i didnt panic you too much because it's not a for sure cause, but I really think it's important to do so just incase. I wish the best to both of you!
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If it helps, my husband is like this. But never more than an hour usually. He does have adhd but never has been medicated for it. I’m a savage, and I will also tell him the wrong times for things on purpose. Movie starts at 8, I say 730. It sometimes bother him, but otherwise we’d be late for everything.
Nobody is obligated to go to events. We also have no context about your relationship, her relationship with your mom, and maybe your GF is the type that doesn't go events or would find this uncomfortable.
She’s waiting for you to break up, and will likely make it more and more difficult for you to be in the relationship.
So leave.
Tell her that unlike her child she obviously doesn’t care about you at all, and that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to put effort into a relationship.
Tell her that she has made her priorities clear. 1. Kid, 2. Job, 3. Friends, somewhere near 99. BF, and while you agree with the first 2, as they should take importance over everything else, the fact she would rather drink with her friends on Christmas than see her BF, shows you where you stand in her life.
>>had a bad experience with her, so he said it turned him off to trying new things
This is a lazy & disingenuous person's argument “This one bad thing happened to me so I am permanently turned off to a woman's pleasure & won't even try with a new partner who isn't my old partner”? Naw. “Get off on your own 'if you want'”? Naw. He doesn't touch you, he isn't interetested in your pleasure, he isn't interested in foreplay, he's willing to get off in you and then tell you to get off on your own? If you've already spoken to him and it changes for a minute then goes back to the bad normal, you can safely assume that he is not interested in changing. If a good and non-degrading sex life is important to you, I would perhaps suggest that this is a man that you need to leave.
Uhm easy:
You DUMP HIM.
He is being very unfair. He thinks being insecure is a superpower. It will only get worse with time.
Uhm easy:
You DUMP HIM.
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Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking
Another thing you could try: think of someone you know who's a great partner, someone with relationship skills you really admire. In difficult moments, 'be' that person – do it as if you're them. It's similar to how children learn by imitation and cuts out the internal chatter.
I used to do that riding difficult horses. It was kind of surprising to find that my brain and body knew what to do when I was being my friend instead of me.
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Good advice!!!
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Think it’s just a misunderstanding, where the person was assuming that you were saying they were married, when you were just saying to think about it as if they were married.
RUN away…
In a pinch, an extension cord could be tied to the handles of shopping bags and hauled up that way.
I have no idea what your point is?
I don't know, I forgot to look at the timestamp.
Divorce and find someone who does what the same life as you
Sometimes, sex really is routine relationship maintenance. Expecting spontaneity to always come with sex is naive.
Emma should sue her for the money back.
And yeah I would stop talking to Lucy, she is awful and it's only a matter of time until she screws you over too.
These things need to be mutually consented too. If you can move on, move on. If you can't then don't.
Have him respond to her pictures with a simple “lol”
Even if it were “just a guy thing”, which I don’t believe it is, your sensibilities and feelings are always valid for you.
Please try to see your early relationships as opportunities to fine-tune what works for you/what you want, and what doesn’t work for you/what you don’t want.
You really don’t need to settle, you can do so much better.
The question comes down to do you really believe that you can do better?
Do you believe that you deserve better?
Do you believe that someone better would want to be with you?
If any of those answers are no, that’s where you really need to start.
Are you a variation of the same kind of person? No. No you are not. Ergo, he has VARIED tastes in women that don’t show up on Instagram bc their algorithm shows him the same type of girl every time, so all the girls Instagram shows him look the same, so all the girls he follows look the same because he’s not actually trawling for girls on Instagram, he’s just liking who instagram decides to show him.
Read her comments. They have the same emotional maturity level
One day you will learn this.
A lot of women like to complain about things and just have someone listen. Going to the gym and working out isn't something everyone has the desire to do. Because as bad as this sounds, it's physically too challenge for many people.
It would be like if she were a professional debater and you hated public speaking. But then she insisted on you spending more time with her by joining the debates. Even if you deep down inside wanted to be a better speaker.
Next question: are you also 12?
Considering it was edited I think it was intentional
Oh, you are probably better off not talking to your gf for a while. You’ve done nothing wrong, and her ideas are very ignorant and incorrect. You are a good son and brother, and a good boyfriend. Do not doubt yourself. You are kind and wonderful.
It looked to me like you both communicated well. You brought up what bothered you and he brought up what bothered him. You don’t have to understand where each other is coming from. It takes years and years to really know someone. The important thing is to get through disagreements and misunderstandings. Each one is an opportunity to learn more about each other. Try not to overthink. Just enjoy each other. It sounds like a good one to me.
Did you ask her if she ordered them for you?
Your children are paying the price for your drama hungry family. You have learned very little. Nothing happened without your agency; you were a foundational part of it, not some leaf blown in the wind. Take accountability.
I wish your husband the best of luck.
Nude agree. People forget that everywhere is different. if she doesn't on-line in a big city and the force is mostly religious, they might charge them anyway. Even with a partner swearing it's wanted, because victims lie to protect their abusers. This is a very real concern for people who practice BDSM.
Three and a half years of cheating isn’t an oops, it isn’t a mistake, and it isn’t a case of blurred boundaries. It’s total disrespect for most of your relationship. He isn’t stopping on his own. He is actively seeking out other women for sex and intimacy. He’s a liar and he doesn’t care about you the way you want him to. I understand that you love him, but your love for him won’t keep him from cheating. Is this really, really the kind of person you want to invest even more of your time and emotional energy on? What would you say to a friend who told you this about her partner?
If that's true, then why bother asking if you should lie?
If you were just trying to find her, why the fuck wouldn’t you make a fake profile? Why would you use your real photo and info?
Sorry man but I don’t believe you at all.
Break up with them.
Break up with them.
It’s kind of mind-boggling. All the comments saying she’s insecure… lol. If she has feelings of insecurity, it’s probably because the husband didn’t tell her and she sees the “☺️”. Overthinkers exist, people.
I’m quite old now. I’ve seen these situations many times. Rarely do they involve ‘proof’, anonymous or otherwise.
It's great that her life is moving forward and she's living the life she always wanted and getting to her goals, but it makes me look at my life and realize how pointless it is and how it's not going anywhere, and how lonely and unfulfilled I am
I realize I'm going to be alone forever and not get to experience these things but the constant reminders make it so hot to numb myself to it all
If you are unhappy with your life as it is, what are you doing to try to change that? What are you doing to address your “miserableness”, and how “lonely and unfulfilled” you are? Why do you say you are going to be alone forever?
Don't get married to someone you haven't been with for less than 2 years. Imo 2 years is still incredibly short, but it's better than five months
She acts surprised when I get upset about it
She goes on to say she didn’t think I would get this upset
This is what really raised my eyebrows. She'd have to be either braindead or completely lacking all empathy to think you wouldn't be upset. She sounds incredibly selfish and thoughtless. She straight up told you she wants her cake and to eat it too. If that doesn't scream 'selfish', I don't know what does. Everyone knows proposing a threesome to your partner has the potential to cause upset. Pretending otherwise is just her being self-serving.
This is dead in the water. She's not going to let this go and will coerce and manipulate you into going along with it.
She acts surprised when I get upset about it
She goes on to say she didn’t think I would get this upset
This is what really raised my eyebrows. She'd have to be either braindead or completely lacking all empathy to think you wouldn't be upset. She sounds incredibly selfish and thoughtless. She straight up told you she wants her cake and to eat it too. If that doesn't scream 'selfish', I don't know what does. Everyone knows proposing a threesome to your partner has the potential to cause upset. Pretending otherwise is just her being self-serving.
This is dead in the water. She's not going to let this go and will coerce and manipulate you into going along with it.
She acts surprised when I get upset about it
She goes on to say she didn’t think I would get this upset
This is what really raised my eyebrows. She'd have to be either braindead or completely lacking all empathy to think you wouldn't be upset. She sounds incredibly selfish and thoughtless. She straight up told you she wants her cake and to eat it too. If that doesn't scream 'selfish', I don't know what does. Everyone knows proposing a threesome to your partner has the potential to cause upset. Pretending otherwise is just her being self-serving.
This is dead in the water. She's not going to let this go and will coerce and manipulate you into going along with it.
Right. He doesn’t care. He recognizes that her life has been upended, and he’s not going to pressure her to do things that don’t matter to him. It’s his apartment. He’s not too nice. He’s a compassionate human being.
you didn’t answer the question tho
it's one of those problems that we only have in the moment when she's drunk.
Not really though. Her behavior when drunk is so bad it even ruins the mood when she's sober. You are so done with it you're considering to end the relationship. That's not a minor “in the moment” problem. Don't let her or yourself minimize it into that.
I would talk to her about what you told us. Heck, show her this post. She's risking the relationship with her misuse of alcohol.
Life just doesn’t work this way. If she likes you, she’ll stick around to see if things improve. You don’t need 10 dates to figure out if you like someone. Even if you are exclusive and then have sex for the first time, and she isn’t feeling it, she can still leave. Doesn’t matter if there’s other guys in the picture.
My advice? Be honest. If things progress to a 3rd date, communicate honestly how you feel. That you want to take things slow. You won’t get to 10 dates without talking about sex, you just won’t. If you don’t make a move or reference sex during that amount of time, she will assume you are not into her. It will need to be addressed, and you’ll need to be honest about your fears.
I second all this.
Do not surprise with D/s.
I don’t know how to take this and feel like I’m just a side piece.
Do you know how dumb you sound? Do you pitch a fit like a 2 year old every time she's in proximity to another male?
PI is better. They are obviously well off and she needs to protect herself more than she needs an immediate confonrtation.
Maybe they both got tested
Listen to your gut.
Don’t listen to your wishes.
He told me he doesn't mind and that it seems silly to breakup now over our nonexistent children.
Not to be crude OP but if you guys are intimate, no matter what BC methods you are using, there is always a chance you'll get pregnant and have to deal with this sooner.
Plus what about the emotional investment? Because if you guys can't ever agree (and it seems pretty plain that the 'compromise' would be you giving in, even with setting boundaries), then it's a waste of time and heartbreak if you fall in love instead of now when it's just limerance.
Talk to him. Tell him you appreciate him letting you decide but you are not 100% sure and need his opinion.
You don't need to mention anything you overheard.
You guys can come up together with a plan, be the decision to have the baby or not.
As a guy I think you have an awesome partner that is ok letting you choose what you think it's best for you, even if that is not what he would choose. I feel like he gave you full authority to decide even though deep inside he has his preference.
Thank him for giving you power to decide but ask him to help you with the decision. It's a life changing decision for both of you and it will be much easier if both of you are onboard with whatever the decision is.
I can't tell you what to do, but I think this should be a 2 party decision. Don't be afraid either way.
That is fair to tell him!!!
But remember, the fact that those people are staring and laughing is a reflection of how small minded they are, and you probably wouldn’t want to associate with them anyway. 🙂
Yeh the other thing I noted was the emoji. In my view at least, emojis are generally light hearted. You don’t put them in very serious messages. “Hey, just to let you know, your grandmother has died ???”
I feel like his response was much more “oh my goodness, how EMBARRASSING, oopsy daisies…unless?”
Rather than if it was a genuine accident it would be more straighter like “I am mortified that is unforgivable it won’t happen again” etc etc.
Move on!! Your old relationship has been beaten into the ground. Go NC with the ex.
Sam may have introduced you two, but he didn't interfere with your relationship. To me he is caught in the middle. Maybe he should have come to you sooner. But he's young too just like you! Your both friends of his. Leave him out of it.
Let it go!! Your beating a dead horse!! Too much drama. Find a loyal honey!!
They're literally being locked away in a separate room in the house already. Are YOU stupid? Looks like it.
What's more polite than “thanks but no thanks?”
Everyone is different. I am not in an open relationship, but we are swingers, and we on-line perfectly fine. I love my wife with all my heart and could never see myself with another person.
Maybe seek therapy. I don't think he is a bad person or loves you any less. I know this because he had enough respect for you to bring this up instead of just cheating on you.
Just tell him your tired of him belittling you. You will pronounce the words the way you want to not how he wants. This is a stupid thing for him to fixate on. Heck people in the US pronounce words differently. For example, I pronounce the word Roof, Roo-ff. Others say Ruff. Pecan is Pa-cahn. Some say it as Pee-Can. This guy is being a douche bag.
I quit since it sucks. Last time they paid us in time off we never got the time it fell through. We worked the hours and 3 months later it fell off everyone’s pay check.
An entire shop minus 3 people left. I just started like an idiot. I’m not working for free to get screwed in another 3 months.
I didn’t get something lined up yet since we found out the day of mandatory overtime the day we needed to start working overtime. And perhaps I can be the stay at home dad this time. Why should working a shit job fall only on me?
All of these things except the camera are very illegal and very disturbing behaviour
Your disregard for this human being is ugly.
After almost 10 years I believe I am good thank you though
What does your therapist say about things?
Seems to me that neither of you are putting in the effort you could if sex is still off the table. It’s hot to feel connected to someone when there’s no intimacy for some people.
What about some practical advice? There are ways to make someone look older and they're a google search away. Makeup and clothing are extremely important. Dressing conservatively, using darker shades of lipstick, mascara only on the lower eyelashes etc.
As for the people, if they don't accept it even when presented with irrefutable proof such as ID and context(you having a 5yo daughter) it's easy. Just calmly tell them “Look, you're clearly a moron so I will stop talking to you now. Bye.”
Please tell me where you on-line so that I can never move there, because the people in your community are freaking judgemental and weird.
reddit creative writing land.
I remember your post! I am very sorry for what happened to you but im so glad you left. I wish you lots of strenght and healing
What I got from this post is this:
You just said you were dating, but did not make it clear, either to us, or to him, or both, what that actually meant. Aka, it didn’t sound like you sat down and made a decision for you and him to be exclusive.
If you did, he agreed, and he did not follow through, dump and move on. Your word means a lot and if someone lies like that, it isn’t worth it for exclusivity.
That being said, FWB seems just fine for this behavior.
Is she overly fatigued from her studies, work, activities etc? If she is she should get checked for Fibromyalgia. If not I agree that she needs therapy and maybe medication to help with anxiety.
Major red flag. I don’t think a majority of people care about this type of stuff.
I hope you don't apply this same logic to sex. You aren't entitled to another person to just kiss them; you could be assaulting them if they don't want to be kissed. I had a guy ask me “Can I kiss you?” and it was amazing that he asked and I felt honored and safe. Getting consent is always the right thing to do.
Her reactions are ridiculous, irrational, and unreasonable. You need to stop living your life in fear of upsetting her, because she could get upset at any moment for any reason and it's not possible for you to avoid it.
My advice is to tell her, “Look, I've tried to be a good friend to you, but clearly I'm not what you want in a friend because you're constantly upset with me. I seem to be unintentionally hurting your feelings a lot and I don't want to do that, so I think it's better if we simply on-line as roommates and stop trying to maintain a friendship that makes you very unhappy.”
And then quit trying to be her friend, quit doing things for her, quit worrying about doing something wrong.
BUT I'd also recommend two things: Keep your room and anything precious to you locked up at all times, and tell your other friends about your conversation with her because she's probably.l going to go to them crying about how you screamed profanities at her or some such bullshit.
Well, then there's no problem. Because he's not their parent. He didn't adopt them. So, when he divorces their Mom, he will still be what they are telling him he is… nothing. They can seek “Dad” stuff from their bio Dad.
I hate to say it because on the surface you seem like you’re in the right but anybody with a basic understanding of a blended family life would see right through this. If you did not make an effort to parent these children then they will not consider you their parent. A 5 and 7 year old would be desperate for a father figure, especially the boy. If they don’t feel like your children, that’s on you my friend. You were the adult.
Shared computer, but you don't on-line togethere? Seems fishy.
You also find yourself single. Could there be any correlation between the 2?
??
It's great that she's seeing someone and making progress, and it's clear you care about her, and she probably cares about you too. But I'm sorry to tell you that with the stage she's in right now with her own recovery, she is not mentally or emotionally ready to be in a healthy relationship. She literally isn't in the place yet where she has that capability. A lot of the things you mention her doing in your post are manipulative at best and abusive at worst. It may not be intentional on her part, she just doesn't have the tools to deal with or express things properly. But that doesn't change the outcome. Part of relationships are dealing with negative emotions and disagreements and while you're clearly capable of dealing with these discussions, she is not. For both of your sakes I really don't think you should be in a romantic relationship right now. If you want to hit pause on the romantic part and remain friends and support her until she's in a better place and then start it back up again, that's up to you. But I would also recommend asking if you can join a therapy session to discuss how to move forward with the therapist present. Because she will need that help to even be able to have this discussion.
@seek therapy after contact is a fancy excuse.
Op just a question have you put on any weight in the last 1.5 years?
Then what is the point?
Sounds like she didn't do a good job in describing I'm her original post that she sees masturbating to porn as cheating which I feel is more the issue at hand then him actually masturbating. It wasn't described well at all but after reading their responses to others it's clear that she is feeling cheated on by his use of porn.
If op reads this I would suggest maybe making a post in this subreddit that is looking to discuss talking to your partner about the use of porn being cheating to you.
You MUST be 16 not 28. If not… so, so very sad.
I think the issue with colleges is that the government hands out these loans with no checks on the universities.
But kids need to learn that while college may be an experience the 80k a year school is never worth it
How do people marry people like this. Barbarians stuck in the past. Treating their wives like property. Abusive.
Yes, leave him. Don't feel bad about it. You've wasted your life with him. You've taught your kids it's okay to be abused. Run.
Is she leading up to a mfm for her 30th?
If he’s that wonderful, I’d sure he looks at things much differently than you. If he minded you having a child he wouldn’t date you. If he thought you weren’t at his intellectual level he wouldn’t date you. If he thought your lack of higher education was a problem, he wouldn’t date you.
There’s something you should look at when the two of you are out in public. Does he stay near you or go talk to his friends all night? Are there any PDA going on? Has he introduced you to family and friends? Acknowledged you on social media? Frankly, he sounds like a good guy who sees the value of you even though you struggle to see it. Talk to him and share your insecurities, let him remind you why the two of you are together. Look into getting therapy for your insecurities too.
My 2 cents
ALWAYS listen to your intuition
algorithms on the internet work a little bit better than human behavior in the real world. Like… just so you know haha
You can't. They either believe you or they don't.
If they don't. There is a reason why you broke their trust.
Lol Jesus Christ, OP doesn't like her fiancé anymore because he ages like everyone else and she's willing to end their relationship because he's concerned about her safety.
Also I've noticed she's only replying to those who share her opinion even though she asked for advice from everyone?
I can count on my hand the number of times my ex called me my real name. Babe, love, honey etc. “love of my life” when he wanted something lol. But…..a bird call? And the strangest thing is that OP answers. Like he knows that he can disrespect her because she won’t do anything about it.
Even if you do come out to them and they die, that is not your fault or responsibility.
Yes. You and your gf are extremely wrong. Who slaps a 2 yr old for not liking carrots and spitting them out? Abusers. Get parenting classes.
Once the garbage is at the curb, you leave it there.
Why would you drag it back into your house?
Your girlfriend ought to realize that if she's 31 now and won't even consider having any kid for at least 2.5 years, you might be her last, best hope of having any kids at all. I know fertility doesn't end at 33 or so, but she'd be looking at a whole new relationship to start, if she found anyone suitable at all.
The whole thing sounds like a power struggle. You've met her more than halfway with agreeing to two, but she's not willing to budge.
Since you are contemplating breaking up anyway, you might make the ultimatum that if she will agree to stopping at two, you'll marry; if not, you need to break up now. I really don't think it's wise to keep arguing about this for the next five years!
If there is no trust, how can you have a quality relationship? Break up with him let him not trust someone else. You deserve better.
I dont see any other reason why would you not want so spend more time with someone you are just getting to know and getting into relationship with, other than not being into him/her that much.
You also agreed to seeing each other three times a week, didnt ya? Words are easy Im not saying he is planning to cheat on you, but obviously he doesnt like you enough to spend more than a few hours with you per week
This is my advice to you, I'm assuming you share custody? Idk where you are, but there are many apps for coparents, my friend mentioned she used ourfamilywizard app. My suggestion is to not have any contact with her outside coparenting app. Tell her that you are not willing to be harassed by her and from now on, you will only talk to her via coparenting app(unless you're still unable to really learn to “let go” and you're secretly 'enjoying' the drama–if this is the case, please know that by going back and forth with her will prolong your pain and suffering). Idk if you've gone through family court for custody hearing or whatnot, but I've heard family court judges actually recommending coparenting app for parents who have volatile relationship.
This is the thing, as someone who has been betrayed (with my ex) whom I gave everything to. There's no easy way to go through the pain…but to go through it. I know what you mean when you say therapy doesn't feel like it changes anything (the pain, anger, etc). I went through it. You just had to keep going, and if you don't care for your therapist, find another one. It's not an easy process. It'll take awhile for you to heal. Time will help with the pain, I promise as much, but even then, from time to time, you get that 'pang' when you're reminded. It'll be a process.
Focus the good thing in your life, your child, your family and friends. Take your time healing, day by day. But you need to 'let go' of her. Do not talk to her outside the child, that's all.
I don't think I can take legal action about that in NZ. They'd just say to sort it ourselves
Why would I be? I’m just upset
Don't send an apology. It's over dude. Just try to move on.
You definitely need to keep seeing your therapist.
Shea an alcoholic. Alcoholism is not how much a person drinks but their relationship with alcohol.
This is a lot more common than you might think. In high school and at several of my jobs, I've had amazing, close friends whose name I never got to a certain extent because we just vibed so well when we met after hanging out or something that it never came up.
I think the line can move based on discussions/prior consent. People are different and will have different boundaries. There really should be no ambiguity whatsoever if there was a discussion.
people don’t go about checking to make sure their partners are not cheating unless…
• they have credible proof (ie screenshots, photos, etc)
• they are the ones cheating and are projecting onto their partners
if she has no proof…..as my husband would say, “you don’t check to see who’s hiding behind the door unless you’re doing that as well.”
Your boyfriend got turned on after hearing you cheated on him… well okay then
I thought I was being or at least trying to be amicable
He’s jealous of you and your new found self and success in your career, he’s trying to bring you down
You don’t have sex after one year. Yes, you should end it.
It sounds like he isn’t interested in trying to try the whole “let’s stay friends” thing anymore since you crossed that boundary. Sounds like you were toxic for one another and realized that quickly. Write a letter and burn it, don’t send it. Move on.
I'm not sure if she plans to end the marriage; we haven't spoken yet. She doesn't even know that I know. As for physically, there is no “evidence” to support that she is, but because she knows them IRL, it's hot to say that she hasn't been intimate with them.
Yeah I can’t understand why he was so flirty last week and every day up until 4 days ago and then hits me up with sorry haven’t been on my phone I’m on a detox ? Why the immediate change of emotion ?
Not even Barney Stinson is that much of a douche canoe…
Hahahaha yeah don’t think we would of made it past the talking stage if that was true
He never helped his mom out with chores when we visited. But his siblings don't help, either, I was usually the only one helping the mom prepare dinner.
Wow.
Were his siblings all brothers, by any chance? This hints at some really deep seated misogyny here.
I think it's fair to mention that my university isn't in the us and it's not really the best. Last year, one male student harrassed quite a lot of the people he was working with and, despite talking to the academics staff, nothing happened until a girl spoke out and went to the police. The university was quick to deny that they ever knew nothing of this story. So in my case they might do little to nothing.
Have you given any merit to the thought that this is minimally about your hair and more about seeking validation from your support group?
Like, you were excited about how it turned out — that means it's objectively good, the goal was to do your hair in manner that you would like, and you succeeded even if it's not technically sound — and it's fair to want to share that excitement with your friends. It's a bad habit to want to share common interests with people by only saying what isn't good about something, and your friend shouldn't have.
I doubt as you continue to do your hair and get better you will look back at how it looks now and like it as much; but for where you're at right now, it's fine to be proud of the work you've done.
That's an assessment, not advice, and this is an advice subreddit, so, you both need to learn how to communicate better. Your friend shouldn't jump to negativity and you should learn how to say things like, “I know this is an amateur job, but I'm still pretty excited with how it turned out.” If your friend is still unsupportive after that, maybe your friend is an asshole.
As things go, depending on where you are, life is going to get more and more expensive so it makes sense that if your familly situation is great then you stay to save up as much money as you can. invest wisely, start a 401K, and get a head start on what ever you can.
I would also make sure you are fully participating in the financial wellbeing of the household so you do not become a financial burden on your folks. that means anything from house chores and maintenance to groceries and other bills. sitting down and working out what could be a reasonable amount to contribute would be a great way to return the buck to your aging parents who no longer have government financial support for you.
I myself plan to do the same thing with my own kids if they choose it in 10 to 15 years time. rent over here went from 800$ for a 2 bedroom to nearly double that in the last 2 years. it's insane
Yep like the 3some lady story
Maybe if you have time volunteer at a senior citizen home.
Why do you feel you need to pay for their retirement or medical care? If they’re in the US for example, they can get Medicaid and Medicare to cover their medical and assisted living or skilled nursing. You don’t have to swoop in financially and honestly shouldn’t.
I’ve dealt with similar and while I’ve helped my mother and grandmother organize things, I am not paying their way. You are not their retirement plan. On-line your life.
Why do you feel you need to pay for their retirement or medical care? If they’re in the US for example, they can get Medicaid and Medicare to cover their medical and assisted living or skilled nursing. You don’t have to swoop in financially and honestly shouldn’t.
I’ve dealt with similar and while I’ve helped my mother and grandmother organize things, I am not paying their way. You are not their retirement plan. On-line your life.
Isolated Manipulated into failing school/career Told to prioritize obedience
How many abuser flags does this guy need to wave?
Don't walk away, run!
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My sister (25F) Riley got married to her husband (25M) “Jake” about 1.5 years ago, and they’ve had a pretty hot time ever since. They had dated for 8ish months before engagement (met on-line) and they weren’t living together before marriage; she was living alone in her apartment (which Jake moved into after they got married), and Jake was living with his Dad. She’s telling me that ever since they got married, they’ve had screaming, door-slamming fights often and that she wants to move so that they can have a two bedroom apartment/house. She says that it is really difficult, and they fight a lot. She also complains about how Jake doesn’t know how to take care of himself or her, plays too many video games, and isn’t interested in pursuing more income.
The thing is, she views all of this as very normal and expected for newlyweds. She insists that our parent’s peaceful marriage is the “exception” to this. I’m getting married soon, and she keeps telling me to expect all of these things, and making comments about how hard/painful marriage is. I think she’s genuinely trying to prepare me, but my fiancé and I already live! together (have for 7+ months) and have never had even close to the issues that she describes to me. I worry that she finds them to be so normal, after only a little over a year of marriage. She is continually pushing these ideas on me, and I want to tell her to stop, but I don’t want to make her feel bad. I also am a little concerned about her relationship – divorce is very frowned upon in our culture, and I don’t want her to feel stuck/hopeless. How can I support her/tell her that maybe some of her marriage dynamic isn’t normal?
Your boyfriend is an insecure child. You might want to date someone with more maturity.
Do not fall for that crap. It’s also very telling of him as a partner. Don’t choose that life.
Typical ignorance of human anatomy.
Did you read the meds label? Do not drink alcohol while on this medication. If you look it up on-line, it is the first warning. It's probably why you're blanking out and why you behave differently.
He needs to be rushed to the ER immediately!
Well then you cant promise her a committed relationship. A simple way around this would be hey i promise that if I ever think of acting on cheating, i will leave you first.
i dont know why its so hot to leave eventhough i know im suffering
I guess I should add some more context here, not that I want to defend him or anything but I am honestly surprised by all these reactions. The condom thing – This was way in the beginning so my memory of it was a it blurry, but I found an old message to a friend where I explained the situation shortly after it happened and I forgot some details of it: I was the one to actually take the condom off, not him. We were in the middle of having sex and took a little break to cuddle. I then took it off to give him a hand job. Then we got back into things and he didn't put a new one on. That's what surprised me, because even though I removed it, in my mind he'd just put a new one on, cause that's what my exes and I would do in that situation. I didn't really process that he didn't have a new one on until after he already penetrated me again, and I thought to myself “oh well it's too late now” and just let it happen. FWIW, he did pull out too. My main concern was STD's, which happened to be valid. I can't vividly recall that part either. If I remember correctly, I did ask him if he tested clean and he said yes. A lot of comment here are saying that he lied about that. But he had tested in his past and was clean when he did, it just hadn't been in a long time. To be fair I also did not ask him how recently he got tested. But would that still count as him lying? I really don't want to defend him but I am just trying to give more context of what happened.
First three are borderline ego boosting. The others are too intimate and personal.
Now that you’re 18 you can practice a new skill that will serve you forever. Being assertive. When he says that respond in a calm voice that he can’t talk about you like that. It’s funny and it makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah cuz I don’t like being used.
Why comment if you’re just going to be rude about everything I said?
I have searched for them before but because this as an outlet for me as well, I wanted to voice myself and have a conversation with people about it.
No, his attitude around liking pictures doesn’t have to match mine. But if something feels weird to me and clearly not to him, I certainly have the right to question it.
Social media has become a platform for girls to post almost hot and our boyfriends have the opportunity to like the pictures and let the girl know he likes what he sees. THIS has become a norm which is wild to me!
Anyhow, I’m not sure how you’ve gathered I want to control him based off of what I posted. I don’t control him in the slightest.
Fake post
Tell him this! You've perfectly articulated to us what your issue is.
Your husband meanwhile has had you say nothing for 30 weeks and so is probably confused about the sudden change for him.
Getting resentful over invisible boundaries and needs that you think people should just know is bad for you. You bottle things up and wait until youre pissed, and only then do you communicate, which comes out as an attack and makes people defensive.
You have to sit him down and say “look. These are my needs and wants”
Just overplayed your hand.
Honestly, I do not know. Maybe its about convenience or about choices, but I do not want to tell her to stop using CCs. That might become a boundaries issue. Just want her to atleast pay on time or tell me when she gets a statement so that I can pay.
Where are u getting any of this ? I literally just stated, i was never mad at her- i never resented her for it or anything- she just disappeared, i tried to check up on her plenty. She only ever texted me when she wanted me help her with a game or something similar- and did i mention she disappeared from my life right around the time i was going through a breakup? Thats the only part i would be like “wtf” for. The factor that i ended up with her ex just happened though, the only thing im trying to get in a point is that, i think ending a friendship is a bit much. Different opinions for everyone ig, because ive been on both sides of this type of situation where ive had close friends date my ex’s and i just accepted it-
Are you my husband?
You weren't “friendzoned.” She believed you to be a friend (default, baseline status) and you REMAINED what she believed a friend after she turned you down. You didn't get relegated like you're a fucking loser EPL team.
Personally, since she's apparently a therapist (????), I'd tell her point blank that she gets one more chance before she never gets the opportunity to do that again. She withheld affection from GD because her son
After 2 years and he’s already mid-30s…. Yeah… he’s not sure because he’s probably waiting to see if he can find someone better than you or he needs to settle for you.
I would cut my loss and move on.