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Show your mom this post if you can’t get yourself to tell her. You’re not responsible for this as so many commenters said, wishing you the best I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this burden
Yes, he knows about his son but there may be other kids involved too. And it’s heartbreaking. And as the whistleblower his family may not be so happy with his decision, but OP Should not just ignore this. He could be saving a lot of other children from what could be ongoing abuse.
So, to recap:
1) He “won't wash the sheets.” Does he do any housework? 2) He made up a “no masturbation rule” that you're supposed to follow? (Oh, and that he won't.) 3) He smokes so much weed … 4) That you believe he no longer dreams?
What else?
That’s a fact. I’ve absolutely enabled tf out of him and I’m aware of that. I feel like I’ve let it go on for so long. I’m not even sure how to address it anymore. Shit sucks honestly
I think the guy is just trying to act cool and chill. Guys have to repress so much shit nowadays.
Girls usually say “oh we like feminine guys that open up and are vulnerable!!”. In reality most guys know that shit isn’t true.
The guy probably tried to be open in many relationships and show his emotional side, but he got rejected, dumped and betrayed most of the times. Now he probably decided and realized that shit isn’t worth it. He probably does care for you, he probably does want you. No guy would prefer the missionary position unless we really cared for that person and wanted to look deep into their beautiful eyes.
My guy probably has just been through too much shit, and decided it’s better to be stoic rather have all his emotions chaotically thrown around.
You commenters are just weird. When it’s a girl you always try to be understanding or bring up tons of mental disorders, but barely can understand where this guy is coming from? Shame on you.
There is a big probability that what i said was close to the truth. But there’s also a chance he might chop you up and make a ragoût from you. Hell there’s even a chance he might be an undercover sleeper agent.
But since you’re already breaking up with him. You won’t have to think about it much Ig.
Ew. The edit makes all the difference! I've cried to my partner about work or whatever, which led to comforting then sex. But I like it and it actually does help me feel better. Doing that after discussing sexual assault is different indeed. You need to have a serious conversation with him both about how you want to be interacted with when crying/distressed and how disturbing and inappropriate it is that he asked for sex after hearing about your sexual trauma. Yeah, you didn't say no. But it's honestly common sense and hearing about the assault should make him sad or angry on your behalf, not horny!
26 and 20 is enough of a gap to be problematic in many cases.
So what does it look like to politely decline your offer of a breakup? You said you don't live together. Does he have a key to your place? Do you go out on dates together?
I would suggest moving because it sounds like living there is affecting your freedom of choice
No
Yeah maybe I developed trauma bond
Very insightful I know that she would not be happy if I did this
? I'm sorry, I truly don't understand your anger here.
You said you missed the part about being a few weeks so I simply pasted it for you trying to be helpful, not for any other reason beyond that. I wasn't at all interested in a “gotcha” moment or being proven right. I've misread plenty of posts before; there's nothing wrong with it. I've found it very helpful when people have alerted me to information I skipped over and showed me that information from the post, so I was merely trying to do the same.
Sorry I offended you.
Hmm maybe I'll put it there…
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That’s a lot of words for I’m a POS
Thinking “she made me involved” still means you have a lot of your own life work to do and you're not strong enough with your personal boundaries to actually be of help in this situation. There are reasons why you probably have a pattern of getting involved in situations like this and other people don't.
Honestly, this is when I would change my phone lock screen to some other guy's massive veiny dick and start hanging up posters of male models in the bathroom and bedroom.
Its legal in lots of places, new York for example… I'm pretty sure nobody casually does that though? it's legal where I live and they don't do that
I would guess because this euphemism sounds tamer than choking. In some cases “breath play” might be an accurate description of two consenting adults engaging in a risqué but safe sexual activity. In OP’s case it seems like an attempt to downplay the danger her partner may have placed her in.
In my experience, “I have a porn addiction” is a classic go to excuse for manipulative, narcissistic abuse. That is not a reason. That is not an excuse. That is not good enough, don't accept it!!
I don’t speak her native language no. You mean natives have to learn every language immigrants speak?
Hi OP, I also moved out of the city (and later even the country and the continent) I grew up in – to a point because I wanted an exciting life of adventures and career opportunities but I was always clear to my SO that we can go anywhere but back due to my family. Life is far from perfect so for almost a year at one point we had to go back. And just as expected – I was miserable beyond measure. My health was in ruin to a point where my doctor told me she wished she could prescribe me moving out as an option. My SO knows that it’s me or the place we grew up in and he chose me. We sometimes visit his family, but he mostly stays in touch bia video calls. It worked out for us. Maybe find a place where both of you can enjoy life (beach, job opportunities) and where he can thrive far from his family. Worked for us.
There was a post on AITA recently where a father pulled his epileptic 19 year-old daughter out of the bath because she was seizing, and the mother chided him for “behaving inappropriately.” A variation on a recurring theme and probably fake, but they're a puritanical people so I would'nt put it past some to think that way.
If she refuses to acknowledge that she's wrong, I don't know what you can do.
The logical thing would be to find every instance where this has happened, screenshot the original exchange and the disagreement later, and present them calmly to her. Explain that this has become a pattern and it needs to be addressed.
I mean, it won't work, of course, because she isn't behaving logically. Logical people don't double-down on their mistakes.
My only other advice is to re-read each of your exchanges just to make sure that you've truly communicated clearly. You know what you meant, but pretend like you're reading it for the first time and see if there's any ambiguity. Is it possible that you're not being definitive or concise with your communicated plans?
If you're sure that you've stated your plans clearly and she refuses to acknowledge her constant mistakes, then you'll have to decide if this is something you can on-line with. If it is, then learn to be okay with having the same argument over and over. If not, find a girlfriend who can read.
If it's ADHD I just want to point out no matter how much you point it out she might not ever be able to stop it. I drive myself crazy and when everything is going perfectly I can white knuckle through and almost never interrupt but it's practically impossible for me at least to completely stop.
And I hear myself do it and I hate hate hate it but it's still a physical struggle every time. In fact when I try to control it it's impossible for me to actually concentrate on the conversation itself which presumably is what you want both of you to be able to do (although I totally understand it might be enough for you to at least feel like you've got a full sentence out once in a while, and how she feels be damned!
My partner talks even more slowly, out of exasperation and trying to calm himself, when I get particularly bad but that just absolutely drives me up the wall. I instantly acknowledge that he's had enough and will redouble my efforts to control but we always end up blowing up at each other in mutual frustration.
The best thing I've seen, and experienced as the talker-over is to just not stop talking until you're finished BUT you have to do it completely controlled as though she literally isn't talking, do not speed up or down or speak louder or softer or pause or hesitate at all. When someone does this, I feel how rude it actually is and I apologise and stop talking, and for some reason find it easier and it doesnt make me defensive. Like you're a news reader doing a broadcast she wants to hear entirely.
I mean, she's just wrong. Hormones affect everyone on the planet, but it's kind of pointless arguing about it. If you're arguing all the time and she's dragging out arguments over days and weeks, then just end it. Neither of you are happy.
Nah, that mfer is nasty. Bet he doesn’t even wear deodorant. I can’t imagine even considering sex with some sweaty balls. I’d be mortified of grossing my girl out. I’ve worked in healthcare for fucking years and learned, idk… the first week or so, that there’s a whole ass load of people who don’t bathe. Can’t blame it on illness or injury either. People would come in with a broken leg smelling like ass and onions. They broke their leg an hour ago, they didn’t get that ripe in an hour. Anyway, back to your problem. I consider that shit grounds for divorce because he sounds crazy as hell.
She ghosted you – she doesn’t get to be mad lmao
It's very good of you to want to support your extended family and it's perfectly ok that it will be practical rather than emotional support. In the beginning while she is having a hard time physically she might appreciate if you got them useful things like their grocery shopping, also to save her precious time or litte treats for your sister in law to help her feel better as well as doing things for her child.
I was living apart from my wife at a point in my life and I didn’t tell her where I was living because that would cause more trouble like her checking on me and driving by so I can see why he might not want to tell you wheee he lives at the moment
What movie was it? If its LOTR then I completely understand but if its anything else then this guy sucks lol
YTA. I don't even need to read your story. Yelling in someone elses face doesn't solve anything no matter how justified it might feel. Also a man yelling in his girlfriends face as hard as he could only means one thing: Trying to intimidate and frighten her. I hope you feel great about it.
Dose matters…. If you take the prescribed amount then it works one way.
If you take too much it works another.
I understand that completely which is why I’m really trying to figure out if this is going to work. I’ve been in 2 previous long ish relationships (one was a year and. A half, the other was 2 years) both ended way too late because I couldn’t bring myself to. However, after the second one I bounced back and realised that’s not how you have to live your life. I feel like I’m not scared to be alone anymore but I’m so scared of breaking her heart and giving her more stress
I’m DEFINITELY not making any excuses for him, but this is very typical of guys his age. I’m not saying all men in their early 20s are perverts but they do tend to be fixated on all things sexual and spend a lot of time talking about it with their friends. This is NO reflection on you. I’m sure he is very much attracted to you but his behavior is rude and disrespectful. Unfortunately as others have said, he may agree to stop doing it but he’ll probably just learn to hide it better. On the bright side, most guys kind of grow out of this behavior when they hit their mid/later 20s. You could always give him a taste of his own medicine and send your girl friend’s pictures of half hard guys!!
Good luck.
Her being rich has nothing to do with the fact that she has these values. I myself have both been so broke I couldn’t afford food and rich enough to buy luxury cars in cash. Money doesn’t change people or make them who they are, it only acts as an amplifier – if someone poor is generous, money will make them more generous. If they’re an asshole, they’ll become an even bigger asshole.
So take your girl at face value. If you don’t like what she’s saying, talk to her about what she’s saying like you would with anyone else and don’t bring her money into the conversation. It has nothing to do with her narcissistic attitude, I promise.
Though I will say, there is one thing she said that’s actually true and not because of some philosophy or attitude, it just is – if one person is making a lot of money, someone else is getting fucked. Just think about it. If you hypothetically bought $1M in stock when it was low and managed to sell it at its peak before a crash, it means some other sucker bought it off of you and now it’s worth less than what he paid you. You win, he loses. If your business lands a major contract, it means that your competitors didn’t get it and spent all that time prepping and pitching for nothing. You win, they lose. This is how it works, whether we like it or not.
Everything else she’s saying is pretty psycho though.
If you’re just roommates yeah no brained split everything down the middle. But my opinion is couples can show more consideration to one another, as long as no one feels used or taken advantage of… why not help someone who needs it?
I’ve seen couples on the financial Reddit split the rent by % of income to make things more fair, things like that. Good luck
This is a massive big red flag,
Your BF is treating you like a child that needs correction from their parents. How long are you going to be able to live with that?
I think you need to consider the possibility that this might completely blindside her, so don't approach it in a fashion that implies she feels the same way as you do or that it's been a long time coming. My ex did that and he definitely wasn't prepared for my reaction to it (which was almost complete withdrawal for a while until I got angry, but he had been having an affair so that was a major factor in why I got angry). She's pregnant and expecting to get married next month, even if deep down she knows this is a loveless relationship, it doesn't mean she will take this well (and that is understandable).
You obviously need to do this, but don't expect everyone (including yours and her family) to accept it willingly or even gracefully. Breakups at this stage of a relationship are scary as it is, add in a new baby coming along and it's all the more difficult. From her perspective, she will likely worry about where this leaves her future, it's much harder to survive as a single mother than a single childless woman as she will carry so much responsibility and it will impact her ability to work while shouldering a lot of the burden of paying for the household on her own. This won't necessarily be solved by you suggesting you still live together either, if she is really hurt by this she may insist you move out immediately.
It will probably be an unpopular opinion, but assuming she needs it, I think you should help her financially as much as you can, and consider what you would have been expected to pay had you been married, since that's what you are in all but law. Maybe your country considers your relationship to be basically married anyway though.
I hope it all goes much more smoothly than I have suggested but I hope this has given you some things to think about and prepare for. As for bringing it up, you're just going to have to be brave and spit it out.
Fucking hell. Imagine the next 40 years of living like this, with her vomiting every time you discuss something uncomfortable. The thought of that is making me want to vomit myself
Those are not your friends. Do not go out with them again.
? This is such a stupid thing to read, if OP hadn’t confirmed there’s bi/gay/les etc, y’all would’ve had a go til they gave you an answer.
Well. Said.
If he is going to do this when you are asleep you can’t really trust him.
If you really want to give him one last chance, confront him and tell him you are glad to have sex when you are awake, but if he gets horny when you are asleep he will have to relieve himself without you. And it happens again, you are done. Then if it does, you better follow through. But hard to trust him if he is going to do stuff when you are asleep.
OK, so that seems like a REALLY risky “game”. And you should be on birth control.
The joke itself? OK, so it wasn't great but I'm pretty sure he's not going to do it again…
i’m too much of a raging bitch to cry and ask why (in the moment) i think. i’ll be changing locks and everything. ive dealt w a lot of BS from him but fucking his sister is next level that i was not anticipating!
And that was a huge flag that had “I'll never step foot in a kitchen except to reheat leftovers in a microwave” written all over it. He made it to 36 without ever having to cook and clearly doesn't want to so he'll always find someone who'll do it for him.
C’mon. Do you also advise therapy to anybody who believes in invisible sky friend, his son and the spook? People believe in whatever brings them comfort and reincarnation is no weirder concept than a virgin getting pregnant by a ghost.
im sorry, ik it sucks. What you've been through isnt your fault but its now unfortunately your responsibility to deal with. I promise it can get better, though. It wont be easy and it wont be quick, yet it will be worth it. B/w now and therapy, perhaps some positive self affirmations could be helpful for you. Try to target specific feelings that you have i.e. you feel like you arent worth more than these scummy guys so turn that into “I deserve better than i've accepted in the past”, “I am worthy of love and respect”. Whatever jabs your ex used to sling at you, turn those around i.e. if he said shit about no one else loving you but him, focus on your positive relationships, something like “I am a caring and thoughtful friend.”
Get out before she baby traps you. There is no future in your relationship.
she has a new car and never lent her car to anybody, i was there was she got her car maybe a year or two ago, and never had it professionally cleaned.