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If this is the hill you wanna die on, go ahead and pull out your calculator and figure out what child support is going to cost you for those two kids for the next (almost 18) year ahead. Then do the math and ask yourself if you want to watch your kids grow up for half their lives and all your money, or you can be bigger than this fight and stay in the ring and be a conscientious and considerate partner or not.
Sometimes doesn’t right doesn’t matter.
This is one of those times.
You could have been considerate given you were over an hour and a half later then the minimum you mentioned. You could have easily called or texted because you are not the exhausted mother of a newborn, or didn’t have your hands full with two kids, but you chose not to and are now putting it all on her… a woman with a toddler and a newborn who, unsurprisingly, all fell asleep waiting for you.
Come on. Pick your fights more carefully. This is just not worth it. You can be bigger than this, right?
you should let it go natural, dont rush it or slow it down. you take the time you have to but just be careful. you re either ready or you aint
Birth control can cause minor to serious complications and death. A vasectomy is a one time procedure that has little to no pain.
I guess I don’t have anything else to lose at this point. I think I’m going to message him.
They caught on to fake numbers and started calling right away to check, that's what happened. Giving out social media is easier & she can literally walk away & block them after.
It's not actually baffling or pathetic. When a person is conditioned for their entire lives to be a punching bag for their primary caregivers, and to subordinate their own needs to the whims and emotional states of their caregivers, this is a very very normal outcome. OP doesn't need to be ashamed that he was abused from childhood and conditioned to accept this bad behaviour from his parents. But he does deserve to heal and grow beyond that conditioning, and it sounds like he has a wife who will support him in that journey!
This. Wish she could get a restraining order put on that girl, that woman is borderline stalking OP. Very creepy and malicious. Husband is an idiot/AH if he doesn’t take OP seriously
It takes both people to want a open relationship, you don’t want one so leave. He’s also a cheater and a liar and there is no telling what else he’s lied about. If you don’t wanna leave yourself a boyfriend and be sure to let you’re husband know
She isn't an hour away, he was. He rented the room and she went to him
And you're okay with this man getting physically violent with you for being annoying?
OP’s reply to a comment in the thread mentions that the other husband is really chill and relaxed. I’m just gonna throw it out there- is he chill and relaxed enough to be into a swingers-type situation?? Since you’re all friends (if you honestly trust this woman), maybe there are some boundaries they’re looking to cross and that you need to reinforce.
I suppose it could also be some weird foreplay scenario with the other couple (again, going off the comment that OP trusts this woman and she’s friends with her).
OR, she’s not a friend at all and she’s going after your man.
Trying to sum up all the possibilities I see…good luck, OP! Update us if anything happens ?
Personally I don't know from experience with dating a female as I am pansexual but more leaning towards males. But I have autism to and honestly we can't really feel feelings as much as people without them, it's like we don't care, we do care we just don't really show it to be honest with you. It's not really something someone can control to be fully honest. It's not really his fault he doesn't care mental illness does that unfortunately. I mean if you want to break up with him that's not my right to say, but just understand he doesn't do it because he doesn't care, his mental illness makes.it way harder for him to care. This is also coming from someone that also has autism and has the same thing.
Personally I don't know from experience with dating a female as I am pansexual but more leaning towards males. But I have autism to and honestly we can't really feel feelings as much as people without them, it's like we don't care, we do care we just don't really show it to be honest with you. It's not really something someone can control to be fully honest. It's not really his fault he doesn't care mental illness does that unfortunately. I mean if you want to break up with him that's not my right to say, but just understand he doesn't do it because he doesn't care, his mental illness makes.it way harder for him to care. This is also coming from someone that also has autism and has the same thing.
You're in CC 'and' you have a 3.6 gpa. Nothing to be ashamed about going to community college and everything to be proud about a 3.6!
Not sure if you're in a position to consider internships in a field that interests you vs grinding and saving for school but it's something you might consider.
Sounds like you're moving in a positive direction and thanks for the update!
I'm sure his girlfriend would want to know what you have done.
DAMN seems to be that all the licensed professionals came out to play and give you sound advice on this one! /s I wish you all the best. You deserve it. I understand your need to vent it all out and these comments may be helpful in opening up different perspectives, but you will never know your husband's intentions unless you talk to him. It sounds like (despite red flags or bad feelings you have had and are reflecting on) you have trust and love in this relationship to some degree. Rely on that now, and push for the two of you to attend therapy, on your own or as a couple. I agree with others who say to look for a therapist with experience in yours or similar disabilities, as someone with disabilities and who attends therapy alongside my partner myself, it makes a huge difference when someone understands that aspect of your life.
This! My first thought would be, if I’m knocked out for some reason is he gonna help me or……?
Maybe let her call it off….even though you’re not engaged yet. Y’all are $200,000 in debt. Absolutely not.
If this is how you feel about her then break up. You don't date someone to mold them into what you want.
Your “working on yourself” seems to have missed a really important piece. It is your responsibility to behave decently, kindly, and respectfully to your partner. It is not her responsibility to make you feel like she deserves that. If you cannot treat her right, then you should not be dating her, period.
Right now, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You want the benefits of being in a relationship with her (whatever good feelings you get when things are going well), but you also want an excuse to treat her poorly.
The path to a healthy relationship is both of you working on yourselves, not trying to force each other to change.
Good lord
wtf is wrong with you, besides everything
You can’t judge a whole book by looking at one page. I think that’s something that sometimes gets lost on Reddit
You think she’s going to stay loyal over long distance when she couldn’t even do it when y’all were in close contact?
You need to walk away and just get better
Sounds like hormones and I think she really needs you for emotional support.
Y'know, I hit my bf in the face with a pan the other day because I thought it would be funny. Bugs Bunny likes it, why not him?
I guess trying anything that comes to mind and then checking my humanity is a great way of exploring boundaries. Words are harder than checking my impulses, anyway.
Keeping your distance is your best bet, then. I'd warn any other close friends that she might try to contact, if there are such. And, if any of you ever have to interact with her again for any reasons, check the grey rock method.
I'm sorry this happened and your trust was broken. However, it was only a kiss and she feels guilty and told you about it. Take this as a sign that she has regret and wants to move past this and earn your trust back
Leave it at his work how?
Surely you mean the OP? I didn’t do anything
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Just because she doesnt grasp some concepts doesnt make her stupid, perhaps she hasn't been exposed to those types of things or it as a genre was explained poorly to her in the past. People tend to seem fumbly or feel dumb when exposed to unfamiliar things. The movie interstellar isn't for everyone especially if those topics are not something that hold interest for the individual.
Op read this ^
I am confused your dating a 70/80 year old man?
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I really feel for you. Your bf is really struggling with his addiction. The sad thing is you can’t “fix” him. Please take this time to reflect on what you want from life then go for it. It probably won’t include him and that’s ok. You need to focus on you.
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I'd dump him. Not for not texting but for disrespecting you and the invitation to join your family for Christmas Eve. That's a no-go in my book. He was obviously “alive” as in being at a game then a friend's house probably drinking himself into a stupor. He's an idiot.
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As it seems you’re running out of comebacks, I’ll let ya have the last word after this one. Some of us have better things to do. See ya out there at the jewelry shop buying our friends gifts!
Alcohol doesn’t make you dislike people you usually love and care about. Take what he says while drunk seriously.
Didn't even finish reading this. Other people are not equal to him…they are better
You’re 20, stop trying to “fix” a 26 year old. In healthy relationships you don’t need to do that.
I could delve deeper, but that’s truly all you need to do. Drop him like a bad habit and move on to someone you don’t need to fix the behavior of.
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I do sincerely love him.
Then you have a weirdly skewed idea of what love is supposed to be. If the person you love doesn't make you happy, I'm sorry that's sick. you're doing very well since the anorexia seems to be in the past, please don't replace that with an addiction to someone who's cruel to you.
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Clothes don't make the man. If he's everything you want minus how he dresses I personally think you should let him be. Changing that part of him, may change him into someone you don't love to bits
I mean, you can't force her to want to have sex with you. You (hopefully) wouldn't want to have sex with someone who felt the ways she describes feeling.
This relationship is either over or there's no sex. That's the terms she's given.
Her previous infidelity has no bearing on whether she should continue to have sex with you. Your forgiveness of it shouldn't have been pending on whether she has sex.
Honestly, though, I would just throw in the towel. Sex is ruined now for her and it's of her own doing. I wouldn't be shocked if she used it as an excuse to cheat again.
OP isn’t opposed to cuddling in bed. But that night she needed to sleep and told the man that, and he disregarded it to be touching her all night, despite her telling him not to. He ignored her consent. She’d probably be totally fine cuddling if she consented to it and this man listened.
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Hey lovely person. Really appreciate the time u took out to write this and help me. Really! I really like this advice, and I came to the circa the same conclusion as I wrote in my new comments In extension of the post. If she is the one , she’ll accept , maybe not all details, but that I’m not the white knight i feel like she sees me as, as quite frankly I don’t think I can keep it up personally, like i already have had my days where I’ve been distant and been in my head. Thanks stranger ❤️❤️❤️
What would you do in this scenario?
I would help and do what I needed too but eventually it got too much for me when she would go out until 10am and say she's tired
When you asked for the girl's number, what was your explanation for doing so? In other words, what did you say to the girl? Did you mention your wife in that moment or during any of the preceding interactions?
Hiring a cleaning lady is way cheaper than divorce. If she used to do all this stuff, I’m sure she’d rather be doing that than going through her health issues. Use some of your newfound extra money to outsource more stuff around the house and support her.
Well he can leave now…no time better than the present
I agree with you. OP had a comment above that got down voted so no one can see it, but she basically says she wants their life together to stay the way it is, and she wants a wedding because she wants a huge celebration with the dress, and the party, and to enjoy the event with her family. I don't know why you guys are down voting her, it's her freaking life, she can have her own motivations and reasons for what she wants. Given the circumstances, I see no problems with her biyfriends requests. He doesn't care to get married because he obviously likes their life together too, so if she wants a wedding then he is willing to do whatever she wants. But the wedding isn't the symbol of the new marriage, that part isn't important to either of them. Weddings are stupid expensive, even a small one can cost like 10K, so if he doesn't want to spend money on it and she had the ability to do it, then I really don't see the problem. They haven't changed their commitment to each other, he isn't asking for anything beyond what they already agreed to.
You told him no and he keeps asking. That is reason enough to be wary. Tell him no means no and you want to have a pleasant gym experience, but if he asks again you will complain to the management. Block him from texting you and be firm. Anyone who tries to talk you into anything is a red flag.
Tiktok isn't the issue your partner constantly objectifying women is the issue here. I'm also assuming that he probably is viewing entirely too much porn (which isn't good for you, him, or y'alls relationship). I personally have a strong anti porn stance because it's unethical. But you need to have a long think about what's a boundary for you in a relationship and why it's a boundary. Then communicate that clearly and see what he does. If you clearly communicate your boundaries and he doesn't give a shit then it's time to leave. Because boundaries are meant to be signs to you of when a relationship is incompatible.
she said nothing happened and they are just good friends and nothing more
You cannot possibly believe that, surely? People do not snog their “friends” and post pictures of it all over social media.
You don’t share the same values, find someone who does and stop trying to mold people into your box. Push comes to shove you’ll realize the only thing you liked about her was the chase.
That’s the risk you take.
Stop talking to him and block him. It’s that simple. You’re now his ex, not his girlfriend. You don’t owe him professions of love, and it’s not healthy for him to expect you to do so.
He was an important part of your life for a decent amount of time. He is not now. You need to cut contact in order to move on.
Because she hasn’t said “sex is just sex” and to grow up. If she had said that, I’d be out the door in a second. Thankfully she’s much more mature than that, is honest and actually wants to have a conversation about it.
I will likely go almost no contact with them like I have done in the past.
I'm not sure you know what that means if you only see it as a temporary thing.
My sister has her own place. When I said they kicked her out, I meant they asked her to leave. Apologies for the confusion.
He can cook, he provides financially, he was there for my emotional needs when we were just bestfriends. As a person he’s very genuine and kind, he has a lot of friends. As someone to date, slightly controlling and wants submission.
I was adopted and met both birth parents as an adult. My birth father had not known about me either. He and his wife accepted me immediately and have been an incredibly positive force in my life.
I hope he and you both can do the same. He did not know. I hope you can both accept the child into your lives and make it work. Best to you!
I can’t imagine how incredibly shocking and jarring it is to find this out. That being said, you are married to a man who knocked up a teenager while in his 30s. I would be incredible disturbed if you did not seek a divorce from this man. Because at the end of the day the breakup was so bad that this woman is raising this child alone rather than having ANYTHING to do with your husband. What did he do to this young girl that was so bad she didn’t even tell him or seek child support? Why did your husband really move away? How much about him do you actually know? Is this someone you could actually see yourself staying married to?
Break ups suck. There is absolutely no way to break up with someone and not hurt them, so best to be upfront and just do it.
I suggest meeting in a neutral place, then say “Jessica, this relationship isn't working out for me. We need to break up.”
When she asks why, tell her she is sweet and kind but you're just not ready for the level of commitment she wants from you.
Please do NOT be the asshole who ghosts someone or breaks up over text. That's cowardly and childish, unless there is risk of danger. It doesn't sound like that is the case here.
It will suck in the moment, and then afterwards all you're going to feel is sweet relief.
Last I checked the stats, choking is the single biggest indicator that an abuser will murder their partner one day.
It’s very, very likely that he’s going to kill you.
Please get in contact with a domestic violence resource, be they local or National, and get some advice on how to get out as quickly as you can.
This will not get better, he will not change.
I'm glad you have a safe space to return to. Ignore what the larger community will say and especially the lies his mother will tell. The most important thing is your safety, that man will hurt you again and his mother will encourage him. Those creepy mother/son relationships are whole lot of crazy to try to unpack.
Print out screenshots and whatever else you can to prove she's trying to contact you. Get the order dismissed. Never, ever contact this woman again. Why are you even calling her your girlfriend?
Caveat on this: since this is essentially a present for you, don’t do it for her birthday or something where she’s expecting something she wants, not something you want.
A random gift would be better.
Bro she's cheated before and is asking to cheat again. Please wise up and leave
This. THIS IS THE WAY.
Take your child to the doctor to be tested for thc.
They will report it as mandatory reporters. Mom, get as much evidence as you can before you do this. You will be a suspect too.
…Now I just need advice on what to do now.
Advice on what? You've made your decision, and I hope you leave her alone.
When you're in an actual serious long term adult relationship, usually your partner is your priority. Maybe you'll go do a few things with you friends alone, maybe even often depending on what it is… but normal couples want to do things together that are fun together. They like to see each other happy and spend time with them doing exciting things, that's why they are together. Birthdays and big weekend trips with literal joint friends, especially when your friend is literally wondering why you aren't there and is totally oblivious to your bf deliverately missing you out so you couldn't go, is a very very good example of something most people would expect to do together. Your friend is confused about you not being there, because in his head, he's not even thinking your bf left you out deliberately. Why would he think that?
Other people are either young, you're implying your clingy because you're so worried about it and they are assuming you're right, or he's implied you are and exaggerated things like just saying you wish you were with him on his birthday. That is a totally normal and reasonable wish. His response to her gf wishing she was invited along to have fun on his birthday is not.
These are your feelings and they aren't unreasonable. Stop worrying that they are, and realise you've been treated pretty badly here, he's made it evident he doesn't want these things and you do. Don't waste time trying to have them and always feeling down and left out. Go find someone that doesn't leave you out.
Are you seriously asking what to do about feeling you have for a married man in a position of power over you, who is a little too old for you right now, anyway?. NOTHING, YOU DO NOTHING. As soon as you can stop working with him, move on. Just because you have feelings fir him doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Are you prepared to blow up your life, your future in your education, his career, his marriage, because you have a crush? Also, if he's recently married and in a position of power over you and willing to be involved with you, he's trash. Grow up.
Np
i wanted to know if i could change things for us. They are writing about how im a psycho and how glad they will be once im gone. (just so you know im not and while i thought this stuff i only wanted to know other ways to deal with it)
i know what u mean but there are only some friends and my mom/grandmom in my live! atm and i think they would understand.
i didn't learn it. I can't think of any other thing i could do to show them how they are doing something wrong.
I feel like more of a boss because I can just handle getting up and walking to the bathroom.
Women don’t get a choice.
Why do you feel numb? What has gone wrong in your perspective?
And you should. She doesn't want to quit, and honestly, you can't make her. Smoking is a big deal, especially to people who don't smoke. It's okay to feel that this isn't going to work for you anymore.
You were out of control to the extent that you acted violently against her, whether intentional or not. She should absolutely leave you because there’s nothing to indicate that you wouldn’t do the same again or worse in the future. There is nothing but excuses in your post. Work on fixing yourself, on your own, before being in a relationship.
“And how did they respond when you told they you have a girlfriend?” Could be useful to push that.
It's weird, tell him to pull back a bit and set boundaries if women are coming on to him, but you only need to know if they keep on crossing the line once they know.
I'm confused did the condom break? If you're nervous take plan b If that's a possibility for you (I know there's a weight limit). I got pregnant not that close to my ovulation but we also we're doing the pull out method and I had an abortion.
There no way to know until you're me as r enough to your period to take a test.
When I found out I was having a daughter, my jaw dropped and I very loudly said “ah fuck” while my s/o jumped around happy. I wouldnt worry about it too much. Just enjoy the new kid 🙂
And because reddit is always negative: I am very involved with my daughter and love her very much. She’s not a disappointment at all.
You make your cousin delete the existing video, re-edit it so it isn’t deceptive, and post the correction along with an abject apology for being a video liar. Let it be her turn for the internet to savage her, and maybe she’ll be a little more empathetic about not subjecting someone to that for personal entertainment.
I don’t think you have to worry about her staying out of obligation rather than desire. She’s a grown woman so I’m sure she’ll make whatever choice best suits her needs in the moment. Best bet is to have open communication all around, especially going forward. You seem like a very level headed gentleman with her best interests at heart. I really hope you two can work thru this and she doesn’t take it too very hot.
And again, don’t let her reaction to the news make you feel any kind of way for having already had sex. If she has a negative response those are her thoughts and feelings, but they are not facts. Back in high school one of my friends reacted very poorly when she found out her bf wasn’t a virgin and called him all kinds of names, she made him feel terrible even though he did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong by having experiences! That’s what life is all about. Keep communication open going forward and hopefully you guys won’t run into anymore snags.
I think you need to focus on this from a safety perspective. It was not safe for them to get in a car with a bunch of strangers, and it’s completely acceptable to feel worried about her health and safety when she has been drinking if she makes decisions like this. I would also look at some of the positive choices she made as well: she stuck with her friends, she was in constant texting/calling contact with you throughout the night. But I still think it’s ok to express your feelings of worry and concern over her.
That being said, your girlfriend and her friends went through an extremely traumatic experience and you may want to hold off on any tough conversations for a little bit besides a hug (if she feels up for it) and an “I was so worried about you”. They’re processing a lot and honestly what you’re concerned about, she’s probably already beyond freaked out about and yelling at herself in her head for.
Your wife is fantasizing a bit too much, I guess.
Chances of things going wrong are very, very high. What’s wrong with her?!
Even if we assume the guy is totally legit, you have to be very naive to believe he will tell the truth if something nasty happens to your wife when she gets into the woods…
So many tragic stories out there of people being reported missing… and your wife is offering herself to put in that position… I feel you dude. You are a fantastic husband.
We can all benefit by turning our gaze inward.
And then of course there are professionals who can help us do so.
He’s “a very nice person”. Uhm….. NO he is not. A very nice person would not even attempt to dictate what an ADULT, who just happens to be his spouse, wears. He is an abuser. This is abuse. And you do not need to put up with it. You have a child (children?). If you have a son and you allow this to continue you are teaching him that this is how you treat a woman. If you have a daughter you are teaching her that this is how she can expect to be treated. Your child will grow up thinking that this is a normal healthy relationship when in reality it is very far from healthy. You are still very young. Do you want to spend the next 50 years like this?? (if your lucky you will survive 50 years as this type of controlling behavior will only escalate. Yes I know I am being dramatic but that doesn’t mean I’m not right).
Please get out and get find a counselor who can help you unravel this so you can keep it from happening again.
She has a boyfriend so maybe she thinks you're coming on too strong and is purposely pulling back. Regardless if you aren't getting anything out of this friendship it's not worth continuing to try.
Move on. Your incompatible . Also, did you give her permission to go through your bank details?
Look up the grey rock technique! Good way to deal with negative nancies
We have made enough (more than one million) to retire today if we wanted to. Our finances are shared now and she has access to it all and she is included in all financial planning and has a say.
Doesn't seem like relationship material, but if you want to have some fun, have at it. If you want something more serious, then move on and find someone more in line with what you want. Don't try to change her, though.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself (can't handle another rejection). You're going to get rejected again by someone, dude. You're 19. You haven't lived long enough to be rejected enough.
He is an abusive AH. You need to break up. This will only escalate.
There’s little else reason to send her that kind of money unfortunately. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Thanks!
Sometimes I get the terms mixed up, my bad
You
Literally described grooming. 17 and 23 is the a brag. And why is it different for you and not him?
To tell you the truth I would have continued to follow and started with the horn , what she was up to would not have gone unanswered.
DIVORE DIVORE JESUS CHRISTTTT
If you can afford it, you should go. This is one of the battles that I don’t think you want to fight overall in the war. For weddings, and things like that when there’s high emotions are a lot of emotions taking the wrong step could do in your relationship, especially when it comes to her and her family.
Hi, thanks for replying. 🙂 I may be in my late 30s but I’ve never been in a relationship and this is a first for me. Just to follow through with my question, is 4 months of just chatting enough to talk about commitment?
Cat and mouse? That's not always good…especially for the mouse.
Guys should give you their number rather than asking for yours. He was appropriate. That way you can call/text if you want, don't feel pressured to give your number, and don't have a random out there with your number.
Yes, message him on insta. Just say you had phone issues and lost his number.
Sorry for the late response, despite sleeping most of the day, still very fucking tired (not hungover).
In regards to the dude she was talking to, to be fair on that, until our last conversation, I had just kinda shown up in the middle of the conversation. It was only our last conversation that she started talking about him to me directly. A way a friend of mine put it, put it best. They had probably been talking for a while before, and it would also be rude if she just ghosted him for the night, so while yeah, it's not ideal, it's also kinda like “ok, it's at least justified”. Obviously it could very fucking well be that she was saying it for other reasons.
As far saying all that to protect herself, I can see it. I'm a pretty friendly dude sober and drunk, but obviously if that conversation is happening, the person hearing it is going to worry about “fuck how's he gonna take this?”. Again, not ideal that's how it might have been perceived, but I can't be mad. I do think that at some point, in my eyes anyway, that is a question that needs to be asked, “did you ever actually have feelings for me?” in my eyes is a question that needs to be asked. How or when I'll ask is a different question entirely, but my point stands.
My only real gripe with the whole situation as I've said was her friend, while I was talking, showing up out of nowhere, and shouting “she's not fucking into you” before closing the door and leaving. I don't need a glorified wingman showing up, disrupting the conversation, and telling me something that she herself could have just told me from the start, or at any point. It was also annoying because, assuming that she had told me prior to her leaving wasn't just shite talk, she at the very least WAS, in the last week, into me.
I understand that at this point it's all speculation because until I get a sober response that clears things up, I won't know what the fucking deal is.
Things were fine while he was getting all of your attention, but now he's got competition from an actual infant. Keep in mind you don't want another child…
Very hot to want another kid when the father of this one made things so much worse. Hard to imagine someone having an experience like that and saying, while they're still healing, “again again!”.
And her husband seems to be almost deliberately making things worse by just being awful about everything.
Yup. Kinda sad when two 19 year olds are way better at communication and more mature than much older adults !
As someone who’s 36, about to be 37 and never really wanted children- I was maybe 15% on ever having my own so I married a man older than myself with teenage daughters, I can very honestly say- as much as I love my stepdaughters I cannot imagine being in my 50s with a teenager. They wear me out daily even though I’m not their mother. (The eldest-18- had lived with us FT since she was 15, the youngest is 14 & primarily lives with mom) even at 36, I can’t imagine how much pregnancy would wreak havoc on my body, or how difficult it would be trying to raise an infant.
Your wife probably feels much the same and as women, we’re raised to smooth over uncomfortable situations and things we don’t want to discuss by giving a mildly appeasing, slightly hopeful response rather than a brutally honest one which will create waves. “Pick your battles to win the war” is what I was always told by my mother and grandmother- and that’s exactly what your wife has done. You need to sit down and have a full, frank discussion ASAP.
Are you really ok not having kids? Or is this going to cause resentment down the road?
Yeah they have talked about me a few times and he refers to me as “hubby”. The chat about it seemed pretty innocent and reassuring to be honest. They even suggested doing a double date. But I still don’t think that would necessarily stop anyone :/
Have you sat down and had an honest conversation with him about this? Like, not just the small issues when they happen, but how you feel like your feelings aren't being considered or cared for as they were before?
It might even be worth asking him if he can scale back on hours at work so that he's less stressed, or perhaps help by getting a part time job so he doesn't feel that burden so strongly?
He sounds stressed and tired, but he's not treating you well and you definitely need that counseling.
Trust your gut.
There’s a reason that every older person in the comments is telling you the same thing. I remember what it was like to be 19 and I know it’s tough to listen to this advice. But we aren’t all telling you the same thing just for fun. The only reason a 30 year old wants to date an 18 year old is for power. He’s not interested in a mutually respectful and equitable adult relationship; he wants a less experienced and less mature woman who he can manipulate into thinking he’s special. In order for this relationship to work he’s counting on you being dazzled by him, being dependent on him, and wanting to prove yourself to him. If you already knew that you were beautiful, intelligent, competent, and equal to him, you’d erase the power he has over you right now and you’d understand that he doesn’t have anything else to offer you.
She was going to meet him. Dump her. Not worth arguing over.
That's what I'll try my best to bring to her attention. If she doesn't want to help or contribute to the family, I'll have to file for divorce. Thanks for the input.
Absolutely! This triggers me and I’m sitting on my couch, fully invested.
You already know in your gut it was something more.
Given your husband doesn’t have anything seriously wrong with him, no logical person would BREAK a phone in half with their bare hands out of fear of finding out they were using a flashlight. (Unless you’re some evil witch)
Maybe he was just getting off to porn. Did you notice an erection?
Has he been showing any off signs ? Like staking out late? Going out more or coming to bed later?
Have you checked your bank accounts to see if he’s possible spending more money ?
Or even emails to see if he’s created any dating profiles or purchased anything from someone.
Idk man that’s just so wild he’s trying to gaslight you into really believing it’s about a flashlight. Keep us updated and good luck❤️
So sweet!
Thank you foryour kind words, this time i learned my lesson and there is no going back. The chapter will really close once i find another job i guess.
No, sweetheart. You dump her, and then you go to therapy and fix the piece that makes you think this is all you deserve.
Bro, my wife is in LOVE with Jack Harlow and MGK and I judge her for it so very hot but I also hang her posters of them, buy her tshirts and concert tickets and indulge her love of their music (even if she also loves them in an icky way lmao). Your gf is a nut. Not good.
At this point, all anyone on here could do is just speculate and I don’t think that’s going to help.
You found the narcissist!
Yeah you have to break up. He’s gross. That’s not normal and it’s not ok and you gotta dump him.
I disagree with your first statement. Death and suffering makes life not worth living. It’s why I’m Antinatalist
He has also made suggestions like “let me massage them for you, they'll get bigger” (If that was true, I'd have double Ds at this point). The bottomline is that he wishes I had a bigger bust (if I had a sense of humor I'd say me too, bud).
There's nothing innocent about this, he's just a dumbass. His comments are not innocent if they're impacting you so severely.
You need to get professional help ASAP and really evaluate if you want to stay with someone so thoughtless.
And I pointed out that even if there was nothing about their future affected by it (that's the relevance), there are still some things most of us won't find ok.
You asked. She vaguely said no. You left the door open.
That's perfect. Don't follow up – the door is open, if she wants to see you she'll walk through. If she doesn't, she won't.
First things first, if that ever happens to you, you spit it back on them – preferably in their face. Secondly, you tell them to get the fck out and instantly block them. Thirdly, report them to the police.
My daughter does this. She started when she was getting a normal childhood vaccination at 2. She was genuinely stressed at the time vomited all over her self and the dr so we rescheduled.
Ever since then she can cough herself into vomiting. But we are better prepared now so we bring a change of clothes and really explains and talk threw what is happen.
She only does this so fair w medical things. Taking medication, getting a shot etc Apparently that’s is her only real stress. Which is good she’s a child.
With your girlfriend just help her clean herself up and then continue the conversation but do it in a calm way. The book crucial conversations really helped me learn how to communicate effectively. It’s a skill you have to learn and it’s hot.
Dude, I feel for ya. Breaking up with someone is tough, especially when they move on so quickly. I wouldn't recommend numbing yourself with painkillers or any other drugs, that's not a healthy solution. Focus on yourself and your future. Try to channel your energy into your AI company and becoming that millionaire. If she comes back because you're rich, then she wasn't worth it anyway. Remember, it's not your fault and you're not stupid. Just keep pushing forward, bro.
So what do you think she would tell us if she was giving her story?
What's to consider?? He's a sexist to describe you to his friends as a piece of meat. He's made you feel insecure. He's tried to control what pictures you can and can't post on social media. There's nothing left to think about. Get rid of this creepy guy,
Crushes come from potential partners having qualities we wish we had. We crush on fit people whose physiques we wish we had. We crush on assertive people when we wish we stood up for ourselves. We crush on adventurous people when we want to get out. We never picked up piano and our singing is criminal, so we crush on musicians and singers. We're short, they're tall. The list goes on.
It's a trick our brain plays to try to get us to mate with people who have qualities we think we lack and can shore up in our offspring by picking complementary mates.
So crushes are natural because we're all lacking something, if only in our minds. If you get a crush, you can pretty quickly figure out the why by making a list of the stuff you're drawn to. That might seem like you're making it “real,” but it's only real if you can't tell the difference between a crush and love. From that list, it's pretty easy, maybe even easier for you on the outside looking in, to spot the source. Right away, she sounds like a shy introverted anime watcher who wishes she was more outgoing like “Chris.” Maybe there's more, maybe that's all.
It really does sound counterintuitive to investigate, but the way out is through. What does she like about him? What is she insecure about in herself? Don't be surprised if these line up. Working on those things for her is likely to dispel the crush. This often happens naturally for people who can't tell the difference between crushes and love. They get a crush, they think it's love, they date and learn/grow in the dimension they “fell in love” over. Suddenly the spark dies. They don't know what happened.
TL;DR: Talk to her about what she likes about him and see if it corresponds to her insecurities. Help her address those insecurities and the crush will pass.
The advice is true whether they do it or not. I do things that aren't the best for me, but it doesn't make what I say not true, because I know the science behind it. Sure it feels more real when a person is doing it, but I'm human and am far from perfect.
He knew.
Flip a coin. Either choice is fine as long as you’re not too aggressive with ushering them out because they probably didn’t mean to sleep on your couch. You probably wanna be awake when they wake up so that you can lock your door as they leave.
look at what op added. he said she’s been taking her medications “diligently” for months now, and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. what more can she do?
this is weird as shit, leave him
A lot of the interactions with her have indeed circled around her anxiety, but it’s nothing new and I’m still supporting and helping her as much as I can in the present since she’s still significantly struggling with that. In fact, it’s far from over, she’s currently in the process of determining what kind of professional help she needs since she’s being released from the hospital this week (she’s been hospitalized in psychiatry for several weeks now, so her medication has been adjusted, but obviously, despite being helpful, drugs can’t treat mental health illnesses on their own).
That behavior has flipped upside down between the last time we’ve seen each other (the subject of this post) and the other time before (several weeks before the switch in her behavior, but we’ve been texting every day and calling each other every now and then between those two periods).
That’s why I’m very confused. Several years have passed and all of a sudden she’s confortable with all this + felt the way I described when we had to go? Plus, she exclusively asked for me to pick her up at the hospital later this week so that we can spend the day together, only the both of us. It obviously makes me happy, but extremely confused at the same time. What could’ve happened all of a sudden? What’s happening at all?
What are you getting out of this? What is so inherently appealing about a person who shows no class or manners?
That's an amazing quote. I may have to steal it and remember it!
I ended up in the ER because I was allergic to hormonal birth control. Yeah the side effects aren't that bad, they are horrific in some cases. Fuck any man who ever says otherwise.
Ok
Move on from R, by cutting contact. Think about obvious giveaways she was manipulating you, and terrible in general.
Failure is for most people natural part of process of seeking their forever partner. Accept reality for what is, take some time as single to get over it, and start dating again.
S has as, you noticed, already moved on from you. Her relationship might fail at some point, but don't think it will necessarily mean she will want to immediately get with, in fact she might not want you anymore in general. Just don't take her affection for granted.
I am
Aw babe
Mate, if he refuses to change it might be time to go.
I get living for the day but at 39 you sort of have to adult a bit. Savings and the like.
not yet (??) i called him a while ago, no response hence i left a voicemail mail.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. We’ve been through tons of ups and downs, but for the most part have had a very strong relationship. Our daughter (16) is older now and we’ve started to hang out with other couples on the weekends for fun. This past weekend we took a long weekend trip with his sister and her husband as well as their two close friends who have only been married a few years. Everyone drinks a lot on these kinds of weekends. I’ve recently tried to dial that back because of all of the negative effects of alcohol being too much for me anymore. Because I was sober I noticed a lot of behaviors from the group including my husband.
The younger couple with us always talks about their sex life in a rather explicit way. The husband (late 30s) makes comments about letting the other guys “have” his wife (mid 20s) for a while. I’ll call her young wife for the purpose of this post. It is presented as a joke but is constantly a theme while drinking, and the men progress to aggressively flirt with this man’s wife the more they drink. The husband of young wife does attempt to flirt with me but I shut down comments quickly and don’t allow that behavior towards me. So no one is flirting with me. This has always made me very uncomfortable when we are around them. I’ve been SA’d in the past and have a very high guard up in general.
My husband clearly thinks young wife is attractive, because she truly is. She’s also very nice but incredibly naive. Im not sure how she really feels about it. I do think it makes her a bit uncomfortable at times but it also seems like she enjoys the attention too. I was dreading our trip with them because of all of this. A day or so in my husband got very drunk and put his hand on her leg while she was sitting in between us in a golf cart. Later she had changed to go to the pool and came down in her swimsuit with just a t-shirt and no pants. I caught my husband in the kitchen with her with his hand rubbing her lower back and he did that light “accidental” brush of her rear with his hand that guys do. I didn’t want to make a scene so I stayed in the kitchen and he just kept coming back to see if we were still there. His behavior was similar throughout the day and I called him out on it that night when we went to bed. We didn’t sleep and discussed it all night. He swore he isn’t trying to cheat on me. When we got home I left for three days and didn’t speak to him. When I got back I read his text messages and social media. He doesn’t have contact with her outside of when we see them in those social situations. He agreed to stop drinking and admitted how bad his behavior was.
Here is part of the issue. I mentioned my husbands sister and her husband. They are best friends with young wife and her husband. If we visit them they are always there too, they even come to holidays. I’m not mad at young wife, my husband was the one in the wrong. I don’t know how to handle being around them though. I don’t know how to handle all of this. I do think he has a little crush on her and has let it get out of hand, but I don’t believe he is physically cheating. I don’t know if I can be around the group which is complicated since they are family friends.
TLDR – Husband got drunk and handsy with a family friend. Don’t think he is actively cheating, but I don’t know how to handle being around them anymore.
Don’t tolerate a bad situation just because you feel invested. It’s kind of a trap.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s your fault they choose to cheat on you. That’s all on him, and not your job to fix him. You deserve someone that treats you better than that. Best of luck.
You know how boxing coaches teaches a new fighter he purposely builds his confidence. He’ll yell “nice jab, nice hook, good footwork etc.” Men sometimes need that whenever he dresses nice or whenever he wears cologne tell him he’s the the smoothest guy in the town
You're both still really young. I'd never have got married at that age so maybe he also feels that way. Have you actually had a conversation about timelines?
Yep lol
To give you some background,
No background necessary.
The second she became your ex, she stopped having any say in who you date, spend time with, or speak to. You are not responsible for her happiness, mental state, anxiety, emotional turmoil, or any aspect of her life.
What's going on in her head is that she's a controlling narcissist who can't stand the idea that she's not the center of your world. She's the little kid who doesn't want to play with a toy, but gets upset if anyone else plays with it.
I congratulate you for escaping from a controlling and manipulative ex.
A high end car is $35,000?
Nah. Let the man die with your secrets.
So what? Might be an uncomfortable truth, but almost all men watch it. Not a big deal, tho he probably could be more discreet.
Going vanilla to hotwife is a hell of a jump. Is she open to roleplay just between you two?
So, given this information, I would suggest that you separate your finances immediately and completely. If you would suffer from some sort of debilitating disease, you will have to handle that alone. So I would plan accordingly.
Well this is a new one. And ffs don’t meet the gf, she’ll probably glass u. And he’s a giant huge time wasting red flag, find a reaL available guy who can actually meet u within a week of matching
it is never a good idea to ressurect a dead love. you obtain an undead.
now, do what you should do : bury that relationship and start your grievance.
Y’all both deserve to be alone until you both grow the fuck up.
Tell her ASAP. You know this is the end. It’s cruel to drag it out.
Meh. I would just stay friendly, take the high road, and leave it at that. This could be any number of things, and unless she or your bf bring something up to you, I'd stay out of it. Can't paint you to be the “bad guy” if you're always nice and friendly to her.
Listen to yourself. You know what you do and what you don’t want. And you want to live! your life. So online it! Don’t let fear of hurting others stop you. He doesn’t care if he hurts you.
I don’t think it is right to say you are like your dad. It isn’t OP’s area of knowledge. The rest is great.
It kind of sounds like you’ve been telling yourself and others a story about your relationship that you really invested a lot of time and energy into. This is a formative time in your life-do you want the rest of it to be spent trying to chase a “fairytale”, or would you rather have a partner who you can trust to be honest with you and not spend his time getting his rocks off on the internet?
he makes you feel like you’re weak and stupid. you know you deserve better than that.
You met him 3 days ago?
Aside from him being best friends with a racist?!? He doesn’t listen or respect you. That’s what you just said.
I wouldn’t say grooming, no. I just find it odd how defensive he will get about it when I bring it up and he will act weird towards me for awhile afterwards. I have never accused him of pedo behavior or anything like that. I have never told him not to be friends with this kid. I just feel like he does put forth more effort into this live! relationship than with relationships he has in real life.
My self included for awhile.
Just remember you can’t believe anything she says. Where were you 10 years ago? I kid but also appreciate the advice
He’s trying to stop you seeing your family by implying you’re too close and it’s weird. Dump him. You’re family has had your back your whole life and who is this dude to think he can dictate when you see them?