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I do want to get married.
I only mentioned the families because I thought it might also give some extra perspective, but you're right.
Thanks for your input
So, basically like NPH's mermaid theory. Even if a man who is straight doesn't find a woman attractive, it is only a matter of time (or sexual frustration) before he discovers that he does want her.
At any rate, you are kind of correct. It is very very hot for a male to be 100% platonic but not impossible. Attraction is a hard thing to dismiss. If you have the right type of body that a male is attracted to (men do prefer different body types) then they will have trouble setting aside any flirtatious behavior even if their intent is platonic. But just because a man flirts with you, he may still have innocent intentions. If a man who is usually platonic with with you starts flirting unnaturally, he may just be sexually frustrated. After so long without an outlet, a man will go for just about anything whether he is attracted to it or not. Just like the sailors going after a narwhal.
He could be. I know some guys who are in very controlling relationships, and when they get a night out, they go super very hot, even if the atmosphere is chill, and its because they know if they have one drink, or 10, they are still gonna get shit on my theirs SO's (which is not remotely healthy). If he's only doing this outside of your presence, you might need to take a deeper look at your relationship dynamics. I am sorry if this is harsh, and I could be totally wrong (hopefully I am), but it's something you should at least consider.
I think it's fine to have boundaries between what you view as a potentially temporary relationship and a long term committed one. Keeping financials separate until marriage (or even afterward) is pretty common. That being said you should consider that once you have tied the knot legally it is more work to untie it than it is to just break up with a long term but unmarried partner. You don't want to find yourself in the position of having put things off until marriage and later find an unexpected but non-negotiable deal breaker.
Right? I actually found her post to be the opposite of self aware.
She started by setting the stage: she lets her family dictate their plans with their unpredictability and apparently has 0 idea how to implement boundaries there. But then goes on to say how level headed and calm she can be and how she thinks they should defer to her judgement. And when her husband tried to set those boundaries, she got nasty to him.
But sure. She’s the level headed one with great communication and her shit together…
I would speak with your ex (?) again and get clarification. Specific and direct statements.
Yeah I prefer to cry alone ?♀️ we’re all very different
Yes I know that but my parents will say at least you won’t have to worry about the cultural differences. They see and are aware of the cultural difference so there is automatic fear whereas if it was a guy from the same culture they won’t have the fear of the guy being controlling if he presents himself well to my parents. The fear won’t be there.
Of course! I’d be silly to marry someone so early on in the relationship. I anyways don’t have a plan to get married anytime soon. That’s years and years away so I’m not going to worry about that at all. I’d rather much be in the present moment.
You could start by not emotionally cheating on your gf.
This is probably advice for other people, not you. Because you should definitely not marry someone who you’ve dated for 9 months and is pressuring you into marriage because of some arbitrary timeline in their head. And the age gap thing is weird – if you have to wait till you’re 18 then it’s probably not the right relationship.
But my advice is, don’t marry someone that you say ‘I don’t mind marrying her’. You should be brimming with excitement to marry your fiancé, not apathetic about it. It you feel like this, then I think you should not get married.
1000000% this, FFS. jesus this post was so triggering. OP needs some serious perspective & to nut up.
There's no bias involved. People don't leave their partners to pursue another person before something has been established with that other person. It just isn't how it works. That means that they betrayed the relationship when they gave room for another person to get between you. They betrayed the relationship when they indulged their extra-relationship romantic feelings and allowed them to grow. Then they lied when they ended the relationship without mentioning their history and intentions with this other person.
Everyone who uses their body for work is “selling their body.”
What the actual f#$% if you haven't told your boyfriend already, you should
Why would they go the strip clubs when they’re making porn as soon as OP leaves?
So the “he settled for me” bit is just in your head. I’d accept his word that he didn’t settle and enjoy the relationship. Be more secure. The other relationship clearly wasn’t going anywhere which is probably why she ghosted him. If he isn’t upset about the other relationship ending, then there’s no issue here except your self confidence.
Your husband is still having lunch with the woman he has been cheating on you with? Oh no. That’s not ok. There are consequences to having an affair, including finding a new lunch group and not attending events where she will be present. He does not respect you or your marriage at all. You had to convince him to stop texting her. That’s ridiculous. Stop trying to convince him to be a committed partner. Put boundaries in place and leave if he crosses them.
Fuck her exbf to assert dominance.
Yea I think that’s a way better way of operating. It prob an age thing. Dating now is this bullshit game influenced heavily from social media.
Yes, thank you. This is good advice. Out of all the times I've tried to explain to him what he does or does not do, it always ends the same. He will try to change or he dismisses my feelings. I will put the blame on myself and my mental health. I want to feel better and I know I have the best chance to do so away from him. I also have friends and family who are supporting my decision and will be there for me.
Birth control pills AND condoms? She probably lyin lol
The only reason she gets dramatic is because you keep doing things that questions your loyalty. Why do you keep trying to break the trust in your marriage? You and your wife are supposed to be a team. Someone who you are supposed to care about, to listen to their opinions and making decisions together.
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I wouldn’t want my kids showering with their grandparents I see most people don’t feel that way but I do I’d be uncomfortable with it and since I’m uncomfortable with it it wouldn’t happen again I think if you’re uncomfortable with it you shouldn’t just be okay with it cuz most people are saying it’s not a big deal it doesn’t really matter if everyone is comfortable with it we’re all different and they’re your kids too not just your wife’s
You sound annoying, NGL. The thing is, you are into fitness not her, if that's a deal breaker for you so be it. Just stop trying to impose your lifestyle on her.
Young, isolated, gullible, doesn't say no when presented with red flags. Yep you're prime pickings for a 40 yr old needing someone to manipulate.
Figured it out! Get out!
Omg, the comment section is messed up, i agree that this was a terrible descision from her, but it was not planned, it was nothing sexual, it was probably just to cheer up a good friend. This incident is something that you swallow as a careless act, or if you cannot get past this, leave up to you, I would definitely wont if my wife does this, if we got separated and she gives a peak on lip to a shared friend.
I'm sure they're close.
That’s a question only you can answer, I’m sorry.
One part of me is happy that you told him and the other part feels like you should have let it slide and let them be.
But it’s not about me and what has happened, has happened.
We can only observe how things unfold from hereon. Just be remorseful that’s it.
I'd break it off completely. You're both just hurting each other at this point.
Look your needs are too niche for general advice in a form like this. Very few people understand CPTSD including professionals at that.
And people generally don't really understand neurodivergence. This is a combination that is pretty disastrous for advice in a general advice forum.
Don't stress out about being misunderstood. But many people are right you really need to include qualifiers. You need to include that these are factors. But even when you include them people understand them so poorly that they're not going to help much. The thoughts of people are governed by the limits of nature on process going hand in hand with conformity.
I know a couple just like this – except he's one of those “old-fashioned” kind of guys, “the man is the head of the house and makes all the decisions and the money and the little woman cooks and cleans, and spends his paycheck (or, rather, the allowance he gives her from it – which, to be fair, is a very appropriate amount).” They have a happy marriage because they each stay in their lane. She knows more about TV and movies than your gf, but I doubt seriously she read any books even when she was in school (she graduated from HS, but just barely). She doesn't know and doesn't care about things happening in the world. They have three little children, and everyone is content in their home. You're not content. This isn't the relationship for you.
Move on.
Feel however you want to feel but as an outsider it sounds clear you guys are moving away from each other and you're describing a breaking point in a relationship.
It would greatly help to know what exactly these arguments are about as the context drastically changes the advice you probably need to hear.
As it stands, this just sounds like a relationship coming to an end. If you're asking for how to stop that. Maybe you shouldn't. Consider that.
I dont know if you've said this to him but it sounds like you wish he'd have boundaries with his mother so she wouldn't be at your throat like this and be this involved in your personal lives. That is fair. However you should think about how asking him to move in *with his mother * is probably not going to be helpful towards that and instead drive you further apart. Maybe you needed time which is understandable.
If your goal is to work on and fix this relationship you need to make it crystal clear what you want/need and that it's a deal breaker for you if he doesn't start making an effort. For example. Stop involving his mother in your fights. You can both also work on the relationship together.
If he's refusing to work on the relationship then it's only a matter of time before it happens again.
I feel worse for her husband. The only reason she even got with her husband is because friend didn’t pursue her.
Sexuality is fluid! Be happy – do whatever feels best. (:
It was one date. And sometimes you don’t know right away after one date. Geez.
Feels like that guy might need a talk about the birds and the bees and where babies come from.
Very true! And you can't force someone to stop playing these games, just go and find somebody who is compatible!
I would separate finances at this point. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
OP I’d also try to hire a caregiver to help lessen the load so that your wife can actually have time away and that you can get the help you need to be a better person
I've done a poor job in explaining this, it's been my experience that she is an effective communicator that is able to clearly state what she wants and how she feels.
When I made her cry it was largely due to the fact that I danced around what I was asking for, so much so that I don't think even now she knows what it was I wanted. The tears came because it was another thing piled on top of other outside factors I wasn't aware of at the time.
Compromise is not about fundamentally changing who you are as a person. Sure if OP has an interest in ‘being more passionate’ or whatever that’s fine. But for some people that’s just not who they are and that’s ok as there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with them and they shouldn’t feel they need to change themselves for someone else – it means the relationship isn’t the right one for them.
my friend wasn't serious and you could tell she wasn't serious when calling my gf ugly, so I don't see what the issue is. we all knew she wasn't serious and even my friend was surprised that she got confronted about it the next day. So is my friend also wrong because she was being all “wow I'm surprised she actually got offended, live! and learn I guess” to which summed up the sort of feelings I had where it was clearly a joke
Dude, these aren’t betrayals of trust and brining up something months later is dirty pool. Saying your friend looks nice or is pretty or whatever in the right context is just being a friend, you shouldn’t feel threatened by that.
Break up with that chick. She's not worth your time.
Since no one else will say it.
They don’t want you around and are trying to be nice by hiding it. You’re the one not taking the hint and are now in turn upset.
They really didn’t want to hurt you they just clearly don’t jive with you for whatever reason.
It hurts yes. They’re 28 though and you just threw a 8 year old tantrum. That’s just what we know from what you’ve shared! Stop being this person and demanding a relationship that will never be genuine because it’s forced.
Take the L, brother. She’s not interested and that’s not going to change.
Next time try a smoother approach. Not trying to be a dick, just your current approach kind of reads more like a demand than a fun date.
I also have a high sex drive, if 10 is a sex addict who will literally fuck any/everything to satiate it then I'm probably a 7-8, but I'm married to someone who does not, she is probably a 3-4.
I have never, ever pressured her after she has said no. I have never forced myself on her like your husband seemingly has to you. When she says no I go rub one out and get on with my day. I also masturbate daily preventatively to keep my drive under control.
Your husband is 40 god damn fucking years old, how is he not able to manage his basic impulses by now?
Even at 2 years I'd still lean toward breaking up. Your lifestyles don’t match she loves her cat and you cant really live! with them.
well you know that shes a liar.
it’s me
Congrats. You have a sexually compatible partner. If you trust her, trust her. If you’re uncomfortable, tell her you’re uncomfortable.
Congrats. You have a sexually compatible partner. If you trust her, trust her. If you’re uncomfortable, tell her you’re uncomfortable.
Maybe you should. Start sending her to PS5 bill. See how it works out.
Speculating.. She started talking to the other guy as a passive way to not get married. She couldn’t face the decision head on so she sabotaged it. Don’t take any of it personally. You’re both so young. Try not to isolate yourself. Keep seeing your friends. Exercise is better than alcohol.
Dont ever change yourself for someone else.
It leads to unhappiness, resentment and bitterness.
Love the piercing and find someone who sees you for you, not what's on the outside… Though there are plenty of men out there that get very hot for piercings and tats.
Yeah so if you discover you like being open and want to keep it, argue your case!
You can tell him that when you’re open, sometimes other partners come and go. If they aren’t serious, they don’t last, right? So you have something going with a guy right now, but it won’t last. Meanwhile, at some point, he’ll get another chance to be with someone else. Open relationships can ebb and flow like that.
He may not be able to handle that, though, if he is feeling really jealous. Sometimes you have to shut the openness off for a bit to make the primary relationship feel safer, and you may just need to do this.
Dude, you go to your interview and do what it takes to get your dream job. The fact that she went all defensive and mad at you talks volumes. The correct reaction of someone who loves you right is being happy for you.
I totally understand that part of it too. I even told the new guy I am with about what happened, and told him about the “dupe of the century” as I called it. Luckily he didn’t judge me and just felt bad for me and he called the guy an asshole.
Thank you very much for your reply. I respect her decision, but is it a normal thing? Throwing away such a nice relationship because of it? When she says it might be a mistake? The thing is, I don't want to wait. If she's ended it, I need to move on.
You need to be honest and not string her along. She’s 33, she wants kids, her best fertility years are already behind her.
A therapist might be able to help?
Wanting to feel special to your partner isn’t unrealistic. But expecting someone to think you’re the most gorgeous woman on the planet isn’t realistic unless you’ve been in sports illustrated swimsuit edition or something.
No I’m not moving to California I am in California that’s why I’m leaving but I was trying to find a job before I left and save some more
OP is a tr0ll who has been posting about demonic possession on various accounts for months and months and months.
Tell him it’s not your fault he’s hung like a chipmunk.
I wouldn't marry someone who would do that to you. Beyond that you can only be honest. “I didn't cheat on her. I'm not even sure why this is happening.”
I don’t think you have communication problems you have partner-is-a-jerk problems. I agree that your metrics for choosing are terrible and you should add that to the top of the list of your impending therapy. He sounds downright emotionally abusive.
what else we can do to give her the assurance of a happy future, but I’m definitely trying!
First, I'm not sure you can reassure her of a “happy future” when you have a degenerative disease.
Second, some people live! in the present and can ignore potential future events, but other people are not like that and are always dreading what could happen or what will eventually happen. It's how people are. If she is more of the later, then it would be even harder. So even if you have 20-30 years of life expectancy, not everyone could be happy during those 20-30 year because of the dread of the future.
We’re both okay with my hours and we’ve discussed our future together. The problem is what is going on right now
That's totally valid but like, surely it's a very very small subset of the population that this would apply to. It's not for normal people.
Wow – you plan on calling off a wedding at the last minute to a pregnant woman you've been in a 10 year relationship with? And your decisuon is final after drinking with your dad who says his marriage was a mistake?!
Well sure call it off ASAP. I hope your future ex-girlfriend finds a wonderful new man, who will love her and her baby. She deserves all the joy in the world.
It doesn't matter how or where on when you tell her, this relationship is over. It won't be happy. It's going to be miserable regardless. Just tell her you don't want her. You'll send money for the baby and support her financially while she's on maternity leave.
Yeah. This is very odd.
I doubt she will find the effort to make you stay. I hope you find the courage to leave her. It will set you free to find someone who loves you properly and puts effort into you as you deserve.
of course – i just think people in life reflect the tone of what they read and the internet could use a little more empathetic tone. couldn't hurt at least.
Pick one. Not both.
Reverse roles and place. How would you like to be treated?
Why don’t you go wait tables then so you can make more and truly split expenses?
Yes you did the right thing. Actually, you don't need any long drawn out reasons to break up with someone either. Could be as simple as two incompatible people and/or not seeing a future with them.
In her case, the fact that she sees nothing wrong with winding up accidentally pregnant by a guy she's only been dating for 5 months shows a lack of maturity and fore sight on her behalf.
He sounds like a typical frat boy beer pong beta kappa bro-bro homie and you should dump his ass faster than a hypersonic jet. And humiliate him when you do it too. Fuck him and his dumb friends.
Haha I can’t afford a therapist. I’m not angry, I’m just nervous about things now. I expressed this already but he just said he needed some time to breathe and get some things done. He hasn’t texted me back since then.
If you were to get rid of your dog (you 100% shouldn’t) your relationship would still never recover. You don’t live! together, so you did nothing wrong by getting a dog. Your (hopefully ex) bf sounds like a complete wanker. In all honesty who makes you happier and who will love you unconditionally and will always be there for you? Dump the AH and treat your dog to a new chew toy
Ok, i need to explain this a little bit.
Lots of women do post warnings about abusive men they have dated. But many others like me just seek for advice.
My post was something like “I'm marrying this guy called John and here's his pic. Does anyone have information on him?”
That's it, i wasn't accusing him of anything, just asking a community of women if they know something i don't.
You mean just like everyone is calling him controlling?
So tell me do you get to see his bank statements every month?
Nope, nope, nope. You start making decisions like this that torpedo what you want from college and it will never end. You do NOT compromise on things like this.
Do not engage with “Call me repulsive, senpai” spammer
Yes, he did. This kind of stuff needs to be consented and he sounds like a horrible person and a rapist. This is exactly why you should not be dating outside of your age. You are not mature enough to keep yourself safe. Please leave him ASAP.
Yes i agree. Also its an allergy not like oh i dont like scents (to which that would still be something to consider if someone tells you that and you want to gif them). I know that I am also assuming in thinking that she definitely just sent a gift in the beginning of April every year because she knows that my birthday is at one point and she wants to check out the box so that I hopefully sent her something in November. Safe to assume though. I also feel like I could also let it fizzle? Like I did thank her for thinking of me and left it at that. If she asks whats up, I would tell her that it is just her ranting to me most of the time and complaining 24/7 that is monopolizing my time and energy. Also will NOT be celebrating her life stuff and then she wont have anyone left to celebrate with at this point anymore but she did it t herself
I didn't want to get into all the details because the post was long. One of the reasons there seem to be little to no prospects is because the company we work for recently bought out another company, so there have been a lot of lay offs. Any open positions are “higher up” positions like directors, managers, etc. that someone at an entry level wouldn't meet requirements for.
He says mean things and threatens to kill himself
Is he abusive? You know the answer.
He threatened to kill himself. You called people that can help him – his mom. And now he's mad because you dared to care enough to make sure he was okay?
You need to let his family know – as you did, so they can get him help.
Then you need to say “You say this relationship isn't good for you. You say insulting things to me. You threaten to hurt yourself as a method of controlling me. This relationship has come to an end. Good luck. Talk to your family and get the help you need.” Say the same thing to his parents. then block him.
I mean, I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you literally can. If he has healing your relationship with your dad as a prerequisite to being married (which it seems he does, because this would be impossible otherwise, and a bit meaningless) then I would leave because he does not take your trauma seriously. I would suggest talking about it, I don't like to tell people to just break up, but it's clear you have already talked about it many times and this is just where he draws the line. The fact that it's hurtful and unreasonable doesn't change the fact that it's the decision he's made.
It’s just projection