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Do you know why you have the conflicting feelings? Do you want to date this person again down the line? You didn’t give her advice during the relationship; why would you do it now? Her new relationship is 100% not your business. Delete the vm and keep moving forward.
You'll always make up some excuse not to leave. It's actually worse for the kids if you stay because all you're doing is teaching them his behavior is acceptable and normal. It's selfish really. You are clearly very naive as much as you like to think you aren't.
I thought we’ve been told that not saying no isn’t the same thing as saying yes
I remember a quote that applies:
“You thought you were setting boundaries when you were just making requests.” Gottmann Institute
The key difference between a request and a real boundary is consequences.
Yes this is a violation of your relationship terms. Unless specifically established otherwise when one marries it is assumed you will not keep secret friends (who fit the category you are sexually attracted to) from each other. It’s stupid of him to assume this ok and act like you are being unreasonable. You have to ask yourself- is it more likely that he is stupid or that he is gaslighting?
He’s had emotional affairs before. This is another one. Trust is lost. You get what you put up with. It’s painful- but it sounds like you can’t convince him to stop doing things that hurt you- so you need to protect yourself from him.