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you are kind of being selfish. She's 40 and a lot of this probably wouldn't be happening if she felt more secuirty from you. women that want a family and have a biological clock is very stressful. Is it your fault? no. but it is your fault for beating around the bush for so long and still having these feelings when you know she wants a family! you are robbing her of having that with someone else when you suck your thumb trying to figure out if she's still the “right one”
i'm not trying to be harsh and I do see your issues you've mentioned but i'm just so shocked you waited this long to bring this to light and now she's 40' and she's been counting on you. She's getting nervous and fear is setting in for her. This is why she is pressuring you. She most likely senses the hesitation you are obviously giving and from this post, thats a fact. women are very in tune with these things. trust me she knows and she's threatening the relationship out of fear and probably pressure to see if you react the way she wants. i'm not saying the way she is acting is right but after all the cons you've listed and you had a chance to opt out a while ago, I think you deff are more in the wrong, if there even is a right or wrong. Idk yours pros of her just seems so like regular? like idk nothing stood out to me that wouldn't qualify for any relationship. There's so many things i could list as a pro for my partner and my lost would look very different. let's dive into it so you can see my point.
Pros
he's a man of his word.
He always puts me first
I can't see a life without him in it
We have the same views on Marriage and how we want to get married.
He's a provider ( not speaking financially) although he does do that (me too) but he makes sure I am always taken care of
we laugh together for hours
We have fun doing absolutely nothing even if it's just laughing at our dog
He understands my biological clock (31F) as we discussed this before we even committed to a relationship. He understood exactly what I wanted and was looking for.
He's the nicest man and would give the shirt of his back to any one.
I trust him 100%
he doesn't use words or say harmful things when angry
He's able to communicate and be emotionally available
He's open minded
He feeds me every night ( not that I can't feed myself) but I work long hours (healthcare worker) so it's important to him I'm eating when I get home ( never a requirement but he does that cause he cares) does she do things for you in this context that make you think? like wow she really goes out of her way for me?
those are just a few… i'm not saying your pros are bad obviously those are standard for any relationship but I just feel anyone could say those type of things? you didn't mean like any thing about her person or who she is or what you value most about her other than she's “calm” and you guys can walk the dog together, What makes her stand out over the billion other women on this earth? What made you fall in love with her? What makes you want to truly marry her other than your pet, or ability to keep the home clean. Does she posses any traits that are worth mentioning? Those are questions you should be asking and if you can answer them why didn't you list them?
I hope this helped even a little OP best of luck
It's hard for us to say what your other options are.
It seems that he might be scared that you might end up worse, or even hurting yourself. This is why he might be saying no. When someone wants to breakup, they break up. I’ve never heard it as a choice lol Like “I want to break up!” Him: “You do? Yeah… no.” ? Just tell him you feel smothered and he’s being clingy and you need time apart from him. It’s becoming too much for you. If he doesn’t stop, he’s only going to make you push him away even more. Be honest with him.
So one reason I know of just from other situations that I‘ve heard about this. Marrying someone brings a lot of legal parameters into play as far as I understand it.
Perhaps he doesn‘t need the piece of paper or law to be happy in his relationship. I know a lot of friends who will stay with their lovers for life but not ever want to get married because it‘s useless in their eyes. It‘s just formally declaring your relationship to the government.
You need to grow a thicker skin if you’re going to pursue a relationship with such a massive age gap and a 13 year old stepdaughter.
As a stepmother myself I feel for you, it’s nude at the best of times. But I kinda wonder what you were expecting? These comments are actually pretty mild compared to what a lot of stepparents get!
Longer you leave it the worse it'll be
Dude I've been married for 16 years and my wife still occasionally calls me by her ex's name (our names begin with the same letter and are both one syllable). It's annoying. She doesn't mean to…but it happens. Don't get worked up over it, unless she's actually spending time with her ex…then I'd be concerned.
She doesn't like you. She likes the attention. She likes having power in that someone is chasing her.
You're young. I didn't date my wife until I was 27. Love yourself, first and foremost, and move on from this girl.
Yeah, I needed to hear this. Thanks
Children tie you to the other parent forever and if he is abusive it is used against you.
Sounds like you need some actual dates. No electronics
Wow, I would hate to sit next to you at a baseball game.
Is she into music at all? Maybe it’s not her thing and doesn’t want to humor you.
Oh look, another young woman who was groomed by a much older man who is now denying she was groomed.
To parqphrase: I am not trying to be controlling but I am trying to look at her phone without her permission
Dude pick, its one or the other. Stop lying to yourself.
You would've found out anyways so he should've just told you no?
Agreed. I think that if this toxic dynamic continues when the niece is older that it would be appropriate to send birthday cards. Whether or not her sister decides to give the card to her niece is another story but at least that way she is making an effort that can’t be taken credit for.
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Whoa whoa whoa, hold up, Dude! Slow your roll here. In the original post, you said she hid buying a house and secretly planned on getting her tubes tied. Now, you’re saying she’s mentioned this house at least twice, and your response to her not wanting to be pregnant is “what happens, happens”??
You’re rather young but do you have any other signs of early onset dementia or memory issues? Have you ever had a concussion or head injury?
Exactly
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Now that you know who he is, what are you going to do about it.
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She is aware that I am not satisfied. She says sorry I am not sexing you before she cuddles me and goes to sleep. But if I ask her about it she says she is not a sexual person, she has almost seriously brought up the idea of getting a sex doll for me. But sometimes if she is not in a good mood she might tell me I need to try harder but won't give me a hint, or insists that its more than once a month.
Genuinely asking, isn’t being sent to the couch a pretty common thing after an argument? It escalating to bringing up who bought it because he refused does sound that bad.
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If her story has so many holes in them, then most likely she’s not telling the whole story and you still don’t have the whole truth.
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Bit weird
Therapy for what? Accepting being cheated on for a yard and a bedroom ? You are signing for a life of suffering and resentment. Every time she will refuse anal ( which is ok to refuse of course ) you will think of the dude who got her ass, and so on and so forth I have witnessed people staying in no love wedding because of house , that is not a life Think about it very well, and good luck
I worked in an adult store, that shit ain’t cheap. That’s all I came to say, other than, talk to your husband.
They don't have two children together. She has two daughters from a previous relationship, he has one son from previous relationship. They have one son together.
Her condition is temporary. She’s growing and about to give birth to YOUR legacy while taking care of your other legacies. Be a little less selfish and a more in awe about what she’s going through for you.
Never said the person getting cheated on is an asshole.
Right, I said it comes off as victim blaming. Not that you directly said it, but that it seemed implied by your statement.
Imagine someone keeps accusing you of cheating when you aren't, and doesn't believe you when you say you didn't? That would get tiring, and would probably end in a break up
I agree with that, but that's not really the scenario we have here. A single paternity test is not a repeated accusation.
If you're projecting your insecurities from past relationships, or stories/stats you've heard about cheating onto someone that hasn't done you wrong, you don't need to be in a relationship.. you need therapy to work on your insecurities.
Seems a bit extreme if you ask me. Also again comes off a bit as victim blaming. A guy gets a new job and his behavior changes. He's first gushing about his new coworkers then begins coming home late, becomes colder with his wife, and their sex life dies. These are all common signs of infidelity so she asks him and he says he's just been under a lot of stress at his new job. Are you saying if she still has doubts she should divorce him so she's not in a relationship and should start therapy?
OP even I’m rolling my eyes at the amount of times you’ve had the same conversation with your husband. He hasn’t cut off the co-worker no matter how many times you’ve spoken about it. And he will not. He has picked her.
At this stage I don’t even think he’d care if you divorced him. They would be in a romantic relationship in no time. You are just a hurdle blocking them from being together. You can do waaaaayyy better!
Is he bipolar?
It's not an excuse and it's not right either way. But my moms bipolar and she will flip to hateful anger at a drop of a pin.
It is not about her going. You need to ask for divorce and tell hubby that it is what he wants. If he shows himself regretfull and ask forgiveness them you think about it. Don't make him choose. Kick him and give him a wake-up call.
I don’t have much experience in this field but what I think is going on is she is becoming addicted to drugs perhaps? I’m not sure but when reading this it’s seems like she might be spending more time with them because they seem to have access to it. I’d check any shared finances and see if she has had any notable recent activity. The makeup thing might not be anything.
But again saying, I’m no professional when it comes to relationships or drugs but that’s my conclusion. ?♀️
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Good man. Next.
That could be… I just do not want to come across as nagging, if you know what I mean ?
People.
Have.
Friends.
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Your daughter wants to have children without it affecting her pre-baby life. Ask your daughter who raised her. Was it you or your mother? Ask her how many breaks you got when raising your children. When she realizes that your mother wasn't doing all the heavy lifting maybe she'll get a clue that raising this child is her and her husband's responsibility. Tell her that you love her and your grandchild but you're not raising that baby for her. That's her and her husband's job. She needs to realize that it took you 35 years to launch your son into independence and now you're done raising children. You finally get to focus on your needs. So the occasional pre-planned afternoon of babysitting is all that is on offer at the moment.
moving way too quick and I don't know what to do
That's exactly what you should be thinking because she's either love bombing you or taking advantage of you. Do not do this. If you really want to stay sane and cautious, please do not think with your penis.
If you really want to think with your penis, good luck and Godspeed.
ED meds are not all created equal; it might take some experimentation. In addition, there might be some mental blockage going on that prevents him from being able to perform. I speak from experience because my boyfriend was like this when we first started dating. We were having sex but he couldn’t last long and I wasn’t satisfied. I would suggest he not only talk to his doctor about other meds, but also see a sex therapist. They work exclusively within that space and it does help.
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No. If you need to be apart to solve the problem then that’s the answer to the relationship.
Solve the issues or end it.
Time only delays and avoids ending it.
Dump him.
Not entirely like this, not yet. I told him one time that we should communicate more and try to be open with each other. He has been constructive in previous times, but I want him to understand my needs in a relationship rather than keep instructing him what to do (it somewhat feels like that)
One thing to be aware of is not everyone expresses love the same way. Some people have a naked time outwardly expressing it. I grew up in a male dominated house where it was considered “girly” to show your feelings soany of my exes often describe me as detached and robotic but it's not because I didn't feel anything for them I'd just had 20 years of emotional stunting from family.
That could be what's happening here, it's worth a comversation at least and just ask if he has trouble showing his emotions.
Yeah, my wife and I don't really talk with our families about sex. It isn't family conversation.
The most I got was the shopping analogy from my Dad on the day of my wedding.
“U/Nameideas, you probably don't need this advice, but I'm going to give it to you. I've been with your mother for 39 years and we're happy in all the areas of our life. One of those is sex. Now, son, pleasure is different for men and women. Think of it like buying a pair of jeans.
When we, men, need some jeans, we drive to the store, walk in, grab the size we know fits, take it to the counter and pay…BOOM, we got out jeans. Women though, it's about the experience.
Women, well your mother, will want to drive around before she ever gets to the mall, just talking. She wants prepare for the mall and she'll get there on her own time. Then when goes into the mall, she doesn't go straight to the Jean store, she's got to stop at a lot of shops. She might not buy anything there, by spending some time at the cooking store or the shoe store is part of the fun of the trip. Eventually she'll go to the Jean store, but she'll need time to make sure the jeans fit right. She'll try them on and once she's thoroughly satisfied, then she'll get to the counter and pay. Do you get what I'm saying son?
And, u/nameideas, if you're going shopping together, you gotta buy her jeans first.”
So, yeah, that was fun to hear 5 minutes before my bride walked down the aisle.
Five years later, when we announce our pregnancy, her Mom goes, “So, when did you conceive?”
Just be honest and tell her what you just wrote, that you know she’s going through something very nude but at the same time, you need her to stop repeating the same thoughts because it’s effecting your anxiety.
First, are you sure she isn't with you for money? I don't know how much money you splurge on her, but would she stay with you if decided to stop?
Second, if someone was emotionally cheating on yu multiple times through social media, it would be natural to expect a policy of open messages between you two. You know so that neither of you would have to spy on each other, because you would just be allowed to check things, because of insecurities caused by past betrayal.
Finally if she agrees to the second point you might want couple counceling. It is because you need some help or your resentment towards her won't stop.
If she doesn't agree… well it's up to you.
What kids have y’all met lmfao who asks this shit??
Yeah, best thing you can do is leave her toxic, homophobic, idiot ass. She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.
This isn't the end of her baby days. Out of 6 kids, one of them is bound to make her a grandmother one day.
Don’t use the suicide hotline to concern troll, it’s a bad look.
Just buy the waterproof detector, mattresses are not cheap, and if you are getting that annoyed by it tell him you are going to take pictures and post them live! telling everyone your adult bf pisses the bed. He listen to you then. MF wants to act like a baby, treat him like one!
You did the right thing and I would stick to your guns. Your mother is a part of the problem by turning a blind eye to her sons appalling behaviour. You should have words with your mother, telling her that if she really cared abour her grandchildren, then she wouldn't allow her son to beat their mother up. Name and shame your brother in the family for the scumbag he is!
Have you talked to a therapist or taken any steps to work through your anxiety on a mental and emotional level? Because in addition to the performance anxiety it sounds like you’re having anxiety about talking to your gf. I noticed in another comment that you said a few things about being in your head, and knowing that she probably will be accepting but still feeling worried. It’s great that the pills are working for your sex life, but the underlying causes of the anxiety are still affecting your life and you deserve help for that as well!
As a side note, as a woman, I wouldn’t care at all, as long as the sex was good. I also highly value communication and willingness to address personal struggles and take the steps to work through mental health challenges, so Id be happy if my partner shared something like this with me.
Need advice? Stop flirting with your married superior lol. What other advice is there.
He already told her what's up. She just ignored him.
My Dad just got remarried too! At 72. There's definitely so much time. It's not over, OP.
I met my husband at 27, he was 32. We got married 2 years later.
OP just needs to chill a bit. Desperation is not a good look. And there's no reason to be desperate.
He is probably just a player and on dating apps for hookups. It blows my mind that he agreed to a date after a hookup just to be a dick.
Don’t feel bad about it. You did nothing wrong. You should interest in someone who was up until then showing you the same amount of interest. He played with your feelings.
It’s okay, move on. You will find someone a million times better.
He's not wrong that clubs tend to promote “hookup culture”. But he clearly assumes you're either too weak or too duplicitous to say no. You're right to feel like he doesn't trust you – 'cause he doesn't.
Yeah trust is important, that's why in committed relationship every partner should respect the trust they are given and don't overuse it by putting themselves in certain situations.
But hey, some guys lime to share, so whatever floats your boat as long as you are happy
“Thanks for reaching out. It's good to know that she's alive and well however this friendship was clearly one sided with only one person making the effort. I wish you both good luck and take care.”
Send and then block both contacts on all forms.
You seem to perfectly understand the situation and I’m sure you know what the next logical move is.
If you’re here for validation I’m happy to provide it. You’re not crazy. This would make anyone uncomfortable.
And yes, she is inevitably going to cheat on you given how strongly she feels about seeing other guys after you voice your concerns with it.
What you're saying could be true but so could what they're saying. Given how strong his response is, he cried over it, I doubt he just wants to pick their school.