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i'm not doing it to her, i did it to the people in this sub
Yup chill out. If your sex life is OK I would not be too alarmed.
If it's not you have to make a decision.
Shower time is fine overall.
If she knows he’s got a crush on her, then she’s warning you that if he’s a better bet than you, you’ll be dumped.
I’d distance yourself now because the boss already knows you two are having sex which is why he bullies you, so once he thinks he’s got a chance with her, he’ll be even worse to you.
So, if your mother was not mentally stable even before this trauma, she 100% not thinking clearly now. Good news- it’s NOT your fault, you can’t save drug addict without his permission. Bad news- you can’t get your mother understand that, not now at least. It’s look like she needs a professional help.
This will not be one singular big talk. It’s more likely that you’ll be having talks for the next little while. I’ve had “big talks” that were actually two or three talks and that was only over one thing; if you’ve let things stockpile then there will be a LOT to unpack so try not to do it all at once.
Write down some stuff you want to talk about so you don’t forget. Choose a couple more pressing issues and focus on those.
Try to remember to be curious, not defensive. It is okay to have fucked up. You’re having this convo not to prove that you’re actually innocent, but to admit that you may have done some stuff to hurt your partner and to tell your partner that they have hurt you. This doesn’t make you bad people: it makes you human.
What you’re offering each other during these discussions is a gift. It is a gift to tell people about how you want to be treated and how you want the future to look. That is info that you give someone only if you want them to keep being in your life. If it hurts to hear about your shortcomings, remind yourself that she is telling them to you because she knows you can do better and wants to see you improve.
This is TOUGH. It may help to have an impartial third person present; couples therapy can provide this if you have access to that. Because things may get heated (emotions are nude to manage sometimes) and it helps to have a third person to keep things grounded and remind you two that you are safe.
They’ve been together for over a year so it definitely wasn’t just a one time “thinking with his dick” incident