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tldr: I yell/swear at my wife during 10% of arguments (which is an improvement). She is a good person, wonderful mother, pretty good wife. She said either I stop or she is done. Is any amount of yelling/swearing in an argument acceptable? Am I over the edge and not realizing it?
I ask for advice not to cast blame on her or me, but because I’m trying to learn, and trying to not lose her.
My wife (f32) and I (m33) have been married for 12 years. We have an extremely stressful home life. We have 2 sons with extreme cognitive and physical disabilities which require us to be 24/7 care takers, and 1 typically developing daughter. We have very little support from anyone, including family. We have no friends because we don’t have time/energy because of our kids, so we also feel isolated like all we have is each other.
I was clinically diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder a year ago and have managed it with decent success, but I do struggle with severe depression still (can’t take depression meds because they cause me to go into hypomania). She has expressed that my communication and my niceties are way down from where they used to be. I struggle with communication and cognition in general since my bipolar really started tanking my brain. I stopped drinking a couple years ago to help improve our marriage. It worked. I spent time to learn to control my anger better (I said some terrible things to her in the past when angry). That helped. She has noticed my efforts. We both love each other but we feel more like teammates than lovers.
She is a wonderful mother, I’m a great dad to my boys but struggle to relate to my daughter. We’re okay partners. As partners she’s a 7/10 I’m a 5/10.
Most of our arguments are about care for our boys and how to keep our life balanced on a razor’s edge. During about 10% of our arguments I resort to yelling/swearing at her (“fuck you” “get the fuck away from me” “shut the fuck up”). I am able to stay away from name calling when I yell. I used to name call but I’ve learned it’s very hurtful to her.
We’ve been on a peaceful/steady track for the last 6 months and we both were feeling okay about where we were in our relationship. Then we had a 4:00 AM argument about how to manage the boys’ sleep struggles that turned into me swearing at her. She insists I stop swearing at her and treat her better or she doesn’t think she can continue in our relationship. I realize she doesn’t like swearing. But to me it doesn’t add up to divorce. Is my level of swearing abusive? Does it warrant leaving our relationship? Are we on a sinking ship and should both come to terms with it? Is it possible for me to NEVER yell/swear at her again as she has asked me to do?
Thanks for any input/guidance.
edited:fixed error
edit 2: I’m humbled. I feel about an inch tall. I wanted honesty and that’s what you all have given. When I posted I was unsure of what to think of myself and my actions. Now I know what I’ve been doing is beyond messed up. It hurts me to know how much I’ve hurt my wife. It sucks that I didn’t see it until internet strangers pointed it out. I will put the changes into place to change myself. I hope she can forgive me. If she doesn’t I now understand why. I’m going to talk to her. I’ll update with the outcome of our conversation.