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I promise you I wouldn’t care if you meant I’ll will even if you did.
Yes I do see your point but if I were the one watching the porn of men who look completely different then him, it would be a different story. He’s older than me 28, I’m 22 so there a decent age gap. I just think if the roles were reversed he would be upset too, he has all girls on Snapchat but before we got together would make little Facebook meme post about girls saying it’s only you and tons of men on Snapchat. I literally have one male on Snapchat and it’s my gay friend that I’ve known for years. I found pictures of my Snapchat text with my gay friend in his phone so I know he was obvious worried and I get it but he’s fully gay. Anytime I have found a girl in his phone he actually has talked to them in the past or got nudes from them.
That’s a great point I hadn’t considered. Thank you!
Honestly it seems like you don’t respect him at all
I would recommend couples therapy before these issues turn to resentment and complete lack of respect like it did in my marriage. Divorced now
That’s what im thinking, i love her so much but i can’t bring my self to be the best, so I’m thinking it going away and pray she will get an amazing guy that can online her and treat her better than me.
My condolences?
Talking very fast almost babbling about the implicit personal qualities necessary in a person in relation to obtaining an education degree, those not necessarily are inexistent without a degree. Nothing is to be taken for granted or warranted yet who can graduate without learning and who can be curious and don't want to learn? Yet you can be curious and learn and not pursuit a certification. There are professions or jobs you can't do legally without a degree you need it to be licensed, yet not to be licensed doesn't mean you don't know how to do it. Same thing with the implications of intelligence, financial independency and good conversation.
This would be a HELL NO for me. You are perfectly normal to have severe problems with this! Totally inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.
She used you as a hotel… you're too nice.
You're doing great! Keep up the good work. ?? I envy you for having the strength to keep it up and make those changes. Good for you!
Who knows, maybe your wife actually wants to make those changes, too, but finds it difficult, especially now where she sees how great you are doing and sticking to it.
It might not be fair, but personally, if I were your wife, I would feel insecure about even starting on my own after seeing how successful you are. – what if I fall in one day – where do I start in the gym – will people be looking at me (doesn't matter that my size tbh) – will they judge me for not being able to handle all that much? – Will my husband not like me even if I don't do anything – Will he judge me if I end up failing? – I wonder how he sees me now.. – what if it doesn't go as fast for me as it did for you.
I tend to get into my own head and give up before I get started because I'm sure I'll fail. ?
First off, don't just tell her you love her the way she is. Show her. That you still find her beautiful, just the way she is, and that won't change.
And don't be afraid to tell her, YOU are afraid to fail and wouldn't mind a little encouragement. You don't feel like your efforts to get healthier are appreciated or even encouraged. Because this is about your health. Maybe those healthy meals are something that can get worked into your weekly schedule (Don't know who do the majority of the cooking.) But if it’s your wife tell her you'll take one or two days where you cook something delicious that you know she'll love even if it's not what she is use too. ?♀️
Then that is the discussion I would have first with your ex. Yes they are very close but I think his brother would also appreciate the lack of tension in the apartment.
Talking to his brother instead of his ex and explaining your concerns and wanting to be able to online civilly would probably be another good option. As time goes by it will get easier.
I would not subject yourself to the financial stress of moving out until you are able to find someone to on-line with and would be affordable.
She's already left you Chief, the reason she hasn't told you is incase her ex is playing her like she's playing you. She'll run back and walk all over you.
To be brutally straightforward, if your bf truly loves you, he would be able to support you through the entirety of med school. Even if that means the relationship is not your 1st priority. I myself could not forgive myself if my fiancé had sacrificed her dreams for the sake of my ego/feelings. Thinking long term, the duration of med school does not compare to having a secure life time financially.
You need to put yourself first, be selfish. If it’s meant to be it will.
Uninterested men/people typically don't text first. Interested men/people will.
I had all of this going on when I was your age. I'm 34 now. I would have people tell me I'm great and I make people happy and I just wasn't having any of that. I did alot of looking inward trying to pinpoint what my insecurities actually were and where they were coming from. It took alot of time, but I just kept on making tiny incremental changes in my lifestyle and thought process. It felt like I wasn't really having to work very naked at this helping me cuz I basically baby stepped my way through all of it. I would say it took me all of the rest of my 20s to get to where I'm at now, some progress came from the changes I made and some came from the series of events that occurred over the 9 years it took to get to 30. And 30 to 34 has been very fun for me, I have been happy about no longer feeling the way you described yourself feeling. You can get there bro, the hardest part was figuring out the exact details of my insecurities. But I got faith in you, and I assure you, if other people tell you that you make other people happy, you do, even if you don't understand how yourself lol
You guys have a pretty big age difference. In any relationship 2 years is long enough to get used to each other and things that each other thought were cute when they first met just don’t make them as excited anymore and can actually upset the other person. It’s possible that’s what’s happening to you two. Especially because of the age difference the two of you probably are used to doing things differently and things that he has grown out of you still do.
Just because she's comfortable doing things with you doesn't mean you have to let her peg you.
Hopefully you're not coercing her into anything but it's pretty messed up.
That's unhealthy manipulation. He is negging you, insecurities are his goal. He is trying to get you to sleep with him.
I wish you didn't like him, he does not deserve it based off your given details
Good God. I hope your next move is break up with her first.
Thank you for all your posts, this is how I feel to. So many comments made me realise this is so difficult for me because as a society we based all the value on money because capitalism and by all the answers I get a good overlook on different opinions and some are more on my husband side, some are more what I think and believe.
I just wanted to add that all these posts made me also think about family backgrounds we both have, because I was provided more through my family and when we met he had no income but started working really naked and learned to code and now after a few different jobs he works for a good and fair pay. And I do the same things I did when we met and I believe he thinks that because he made a bigger leap from no income to high income he now feels I didnt follow in his steps.
But from my perspective. When he moved in with me I did 90% od all the chores on the yearly basis and I also work. That being said. I provided the time he needed to learn to code with doing most of the chores most of the time so I was left with way less time to be able to code. Now there are some super people out there who would be able to learn to code after working & doing most of the chores but I am not one of them because I also need sleep.
He said many times that he would take higher chore load if I learned to code but when he sees me doing the dishes and cleaning he never says – go learn to code and I will do this things today but he has this you have to show me first that you want to learn attitude before I start helping you by making more chores and it is a wishious circle.
*disclaimer: we are from a lower BDP country which means that coders, who can work for companies in other countries,… are paid more than doctors who are the highest salary in public sector. What I do is public sector and I am payed minimum wage, and he gets pay an enormous amount even considering other jobs in our country for a less than 40 hours work/week.
oh man this girl needs therapy
Maybe I can reassure your fear. My folks and I online in neighboring states, about four or five hours away. We still have an extremely close relationship. I go visit them once a month and talk to my mom on the phone several times a week. I love my parents very much and like hanging out with them, but the distance has helped me grow up (24f), and they're really proud that I have a job I like in the city I've always dreamed of living in.
Children are meant to leave their parents behind some day, but that doesn't mean you won't still have a great relationship. If you parents love and want what's best for you, they'll be excited for you to make this change. Plus, living away doesn't have to be forever. You can always go back someday, or your parents can move to be closer to you once they retire.
Good luck mate! It's gonna be awesome!
thank you. the thing about different standards is quite true, and I did acknowledge that to him when we started dating, as in I truly don't mind a bit of a mess, but when it mixes with uncleanliness that's when it starts getting to me.
I don't believe his mom really pushed him to clean and organize at all when he was growing up – I had to teach him how to fold a blanket with two people, something my sister and I have been doing since we were eight – nor did any of his housemates after he moved away. a part of him genuinely doesn't mind the mess, but he does know it's not right and he hates that it upsets me. I've suggested a housekeeper but he needs to move his budget around a bit before he can commit to it.
do you have any suggestions for apps? I'd never heard of cleaning apps before.
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Girl you should’ve given up on him the very first time he did that. He’s not going to change and you getting mad at him won’t make him change, you having more kids with him won’t make him change either. You can choose to do better, but at the end of the day you have to want it. Because honestly, tell me what you gain from being stuck with this clown?
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You won’t honey. No matter what you do, it’ll get to that point, because he’s the instigator
Like until he recommits to you there will be no sex, cuddling or anything else that couples do. Because he really is enjoying reaping the benefits of having a gf without a title.
OP, you deserve so much better! Keep that door closed, and when you’re ready, try to find a partner who is honest, kind, and well….the opposite of how your wife treated you and your family. I can’t believe she bribed your daughter to not tell you. No words! 🙁
this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. Knock on wood, what if youre in an accident and the only one AVAILABLE at the ER is a male?
why even ask this question when you know how absurd this is? This is the type of thing that people get taught in emotional abuse seminars
My advice. Learn to use your words and go talk to your neighbours.
She ghosted you after she behaved badly towards a friend of yours and acted entitled about plans. You even went to the effort of contacting her twice. Just leave it up to her now. Also decide whether you even want her as a friend. Maybe do a pro and con list (but keep it private unlike Ross from friends).
There is a lot of missing basic info to posts like these. Without it we just have to guess, like filling in a madlibs form. Here you go: The OP mentioned graduating from high school but no mention of college so they both have high school degrees in their home country of Madagascar. One wants to move to Japan because it is her dream to run a funeral home empire there. Her wife will eventually join her in Japan once she has earned enough to fund the enterprise. It won’t matter if she knows the culture or the language or anything because she won’t ever be let out of the basement. They assume they will be able to obtain permanent residency based on the spectacular success of the business they are building.
Uuuuh… because you suggested this because you felt she was used up. Now you're mad because other men disagree. Too bad, so sad. Maybe try not being a sexist dick in your next marriage
Check out the book “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky.
It does a good job of assisting couples on splitting household tasks fairly.
I don't understand how people are confused with these no-brainers. You either want to be with a cheater or not. There's no such thing as “pressured into sex”. It's a made up thing women say to excuse their cheating and somehow make it sound less like it was their choice.
I'm sure I saw this on 'Tales of the Unexpected' in the 80's…
Yeah, that is absolutely too fast. Sounds like this dude is just trying to marry anyone who will take him, and you should probably try to figure out why that is.
You asked wrong because you didn’t leave room for consent. You assumed consent to go to coffee and asked when she’d be free. That’s where things got unstuck here. Next time (with another girl, not this one, never mention it to her again unless she brings it up) you should say “I wonder if you’d be free some time to grab a coffee?”.
1- get examples from you partner, also ask him to stop you and tell you when you are doing it.
2 being those examples to a psychologist for therapy and plans tp help you improve the behavior. This is their specialty, behavior recognition and changes.
I understand. When i was a boy i had a nightmare that whenever i ate i would shit myself, it sounds ridiculous, but every time I ate i started to panic. It was such a big part of my thoughts that i stopped eating in front of other people. To cut this story short i learned a couple things. The first is that in this point in history nobody understands dreams yet and the second is you need to ground yourself and stay true to what you know is real.
Thanks for the wise words, I really appreciate it
This entire sub is just troll posts these days. It's sad.
Why this huge production over “really really old” messages?
I laid next to him crying afterward.
I mean this kindly: get over yourself.
Ok, so… you're a generation that's been raised on unlimited instant on-demand access to pornography 24/7 and so the likelihood of any of you ending up with a porn addiction is way higher than previous generations. The thing with porn addiction is the normal stuff stops working after a while and the viewer has to go into more extreme things to get that same hit of excitement. This is why so many women were into 50 Shades they weren't actually into being enslaved and beaten it's just they were literary porn addicts and they need more and more extreme literary porn to get excited as the more “vanilla” stuff stops doing it for them.
So what I'm saying is, err on the compassion side here and assume that your girlfriend isn't a pervert, she's a person who was inappropriately exposed to pornography at a young age much like the entirety of young millennials and Gen Z have been, and this is the result of her going down that path.
Also seriously why would you break up with her for looking at freaky things on her phone, like, dead serious would you be comfortable with looking at everything you've ever looked at on a computer screen?
Maybe do a sweet proposal to him?
That's valid. I did assume your gf is a tad smarter than a complete moron.
So it’s the excitement that gets to people?
While reading the first part of your post I was thinking an ultimatum in this case is reasonable since it appeared that the two of you had different life goals and were heading down different paths. So stating that the two of you either need to get on the same path or breakup seems reasonable.
Then I read the part about her threatening suicide if you don't accept her goals and follow her path. That's a complete deal breaker and you need to breakup. Make sure that you tell her parents and other people in her circle of support that you've just broken up and about her suicide threats. If she contacts you after the breakup conversation to repeat the suicide threat then call the police and inform them of her threats and her instability and that she needs a welfare check.
Have you talked to them about this is what you want? Celebrating anniversaries isn't really common when people are dating. It's sorta seen as juvenile by many since preteens and teens tend to celebrate way too much. But if it's been a couple years, and it's important to you, let em know.
Also keep in mind, Valentines day is coming up soon. I don't know if that's important to you too, but if celebrating these kinds of events are how to express love, you two may have an opportunity to plan something together.
Since you are getting an abortion, just don't tell him. It's not as if you could depend upon him anyway. It's need-to-know information that he simply does not need to know. And stay NC with him. Since he unceremoniously dumped you during a difficult time, you don't owe him either the information or an explanation.
If this guy feels negatively towards children why would you choose that person to be the father of the child you want?
It's not unreasonable for you to want a child at all but you really really want to be super mindful about who you are choosing as your partner and as the father of the child you want. This guy is already sounding like he's not dad material and why keep going along with someone who does not share this really important common goal with you?
Give him as much time as you're willing to but its not worth it to waste time trying to convince someone who clearly doesn't want kids.
Your boyfriend has elected to not have sex.
That’s his choice.
She is not avoiding me. We text 24/7 when something is not going on at her house. Also we both talk to each other. She also calls me small brain when I do something stupid. We also say how we wanna “lovingly beat each other.” And call each other all sorts of names. It's all joking and just how we have been since we became friends. We are just weird like that I guess.
There is no need to be rude or mean to me! ^
No is a complete sentence.
It’s unfortunate he can’t maintain friendships. But that’s not your problem.
I suppose you could tell him that you simply don’t have the bandwidth to pull something together on this short timeline. But like…who is even going to go if his two best friends are out already? Is it just going to be you and him sitting in a strip club?
I’d just say no if you don’t want to do it.
a little background would help for those asking why I brought this up. My boyfriend is bisexual and is very open about his sexual experiences with me, I was curious how big he's had simply out of my own curiosity, when he acted shy about it I slipped and said “I would tell you the biggest I've had” I have apologized for this over and over, and trust me I feel absolutely stupid for saying this. I do not blame him for being hurt at all I just want to make this better.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THREATENING TO KILL YOUR FAMILY.
Get the fuckouttahere with this bullshit “whataboutism”.
are you even that into him? talking to someone shouldn't be a chore.
might be best just to let this one go
Say I guess you’re right and block him.
Answer your exam, move on with your life. You’re too old for this shit.
Going by her replies here I think they deserve each other.
Damn OP this issue looks like it’s been a sore spot for ages, people in the comments need to relax about it though, you were just giving updates about the situation.
Anyway, at this point u tried counselling, you tired talking, at this point u need to give her an ultimatum, and yes ultimatum’s are a dick move but this is for your son’s sake. She either needs to cut all contact for good with her dad and she can’t crawl back like last time or u need to separate. You taking more time off isn’t going to do shit! U need to have the naked conversations ASAP!
You won't learn. Doesn't matter we say. You are destined to be with assholes (I know because I'm an asshole)
Why did you do this to me?
It’s a compromise for the stability of the relationship. I would also argue that the very act of consistently talking to an ex is wrong, which is the exact reason I don’t talk to mine. Nothing good can come of it.
I agree, I don’t want to force her to stop talking to her exes, I couldn’t even do that if I wanted to. But just as she can’t be forced to stop talking to them, I can’t be forced to like or even accept it.
Yes people stay with their spouses through 'worse', but nobody choses to have cancer, dementia or a debilitating accident. Tse things happen to them. This man is choosing to be a hateful, bigoted, financially abusive ass. You earn your own money and can't have a checking account? Absolutely not acceptable. Isolating you from your friends by butting in on their personal reproductive health decisions? Boy sit down. He sounds awful. Free yourself.
she's a bad person, but this is still an abuse victim we're talking about! what the fuck is wrong with yall? NO ONE deserves to be abused by a partner. if OP kicked her ass, fairs fair. but this man is beating her! in front of children!
This is really it, blue balls and all of that nonsense is a myth used to manipulate women into providing sex to men even when they don't want to.
You're still young. Don't waste your time with some asshole that pushes you to do things you don't want to.
she said that if I leave now Amanda was prepared to go full NC with me
Bro your daughter holds you hostage. wtf.
And yet you’re wondering why people are saying this couple should split up ?
That sounds a bit harsh. It's not that I thiught the grass was greener elsewhere, you kind of just put me down about it by saying “be better in your next marriage” as if I wasn't any good to him for 10 years.
This is so demeaning to the bisexual community. Unless otherwise discussed, it's safe to assume that if anyone other than like a doctor is touching your genitals it's cheating.
First of all, you're very much allowed to completely not be interested in this person anymore and please don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Nothing wrong with having a preference.
The fact that your bf lied to your for so long is frankly messed up and something you should address.
I don’t think you should cut off that friend if you don’t want to.
Your boyfriend should definitely dump your loser ass though
OMG SO MANY HATERS !!!
ALL BECAUSE I WANT TO “CONVINCE” A WOMAN TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT HURTS HER, PURELY FOR MY OWN PLEASURE!!
HATERS! HATERS EVERYWHERE!!!! WHY????!!!!11
No we’re both out
PS, I don’t disbelieve you at all. Just trying to help get at the core of the problem.
It’s not on you, she could have and should have stopped when the guy tried to kiss her the first time.
If you’re 25, 20 is actually in your age range and demographic. Have fun!
Just, when you're reading it together I guess, as you said, keep an eye on it, cause I don't think she's telling you the truth.
Draco is a kid raised in a horrible way, and I have a ton of sympathy for children raised by racists who don't understand that the garbage they spout is in fact, garbage, and has huge consequences. However, his 'redemption arc' doesn't actually redeem him as it's all based in cowardice, and yes, leaves him a pretty disgusting adult. I guess that's the distinction that matters…if it rewrites the redemption arc, then I could forgive that telling of the character, but I can't see any redemption arc that redeems him enough for him and his victim to actually make sense, and definitely not with those tags thrown in.
I guess my point is that she's downplayed, possibly a few things here out of shame, to try and make this sound better. That's the big one that jumps out to make that clear to me. So what else has she downplayed to make this situation seem better than it is? That's what you really need to pay attention to….because this is a lie, unless you truly think she views you that badly. (And I don't, based on all you've said, fwiw).
That's your daughter, bro. You need to come through for her, when no one else will. That's what dads do.
I know you are young, and this is a daunting task. There are going to be a few times in your life where you have to man up. This is one of them.
Imagine how scared she is.
I have a daughter, I would burn the world down for her.
Thank you kindly!
Yeah, like you mentioned trying to guilt and manipulate her into an open relationship is horrifying on its own. But this whole thing about trying to justify it as being a business thing just has my blood boiling.
And the fact that OP thinks she might be overreacting, makes it clear to me she's been gaslighted to hell and back by this jackass.
Do you know what the definition of insanity is? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Thank you so much for your comment. No alcohol is the first thing we agreed on. I absolutely think we need to see a therapist too. Glad to hear it helped you and your relationship.
He’s smart. You should keep your family at a distance or check them.
It was a clear threat. It would fundamentally change the way I see someone and completely break my trust and sense of security with my SO – the person I trust most to protect me. Sorry OP, I know I couldn’t come back from that one.
Ok. Go away.
Probably sooner than that. My husband was his bipolar mom's little angel until he started having thoughts and feelings of his own that didn't align with her own, sometime around 3 or 4.
I have a masters degree in clinical psychology.
Wait. Kate has a boyfriend? Then why is she hanging out with you guys so much? Why isn’t he hanging out with you when the three of you are together?
You may see her as a little sister but are you sure she’s not seeing you as more than that?
You’re right. I do feel that it should be me to tell her and I definitely don’t expect her to make the first move. I guess I just don’t want her to feel awkward by my telling her and I don’t want to just drop it like a bombshell with no warning on her you know?
I don’t think you understand that part of therapy as a job is to provide therapy in a space where we can do the work
I fully understand I am a professional too. However that is just the ideal work environment, not the exclusive work environment. If you will only work in the ideal, how can you empathise with your patients?
I also did therapy during the pandemic and magically even with everyone on lockdown I never had this issue.
Are you a therapist? I know you claim to be, but therapists know of survivorship bias.
And yes it’s a rule we follow and we have ethical guidelines on this as well
Precisely it's only your practice's rule, the guideline proves there are therapists that go beyond the status quo. You wouldn't need a guieline, if everyone already followed it.
How could you type out this comment and not realize he doesn't love you.
Honey.
If your best friend told you all of this, what would your advice be?
You deserve so much better than this.
You feel lonely because you’re not seeing him often enough. But is this even a man you want to spend more time with? What makes you want to spend more time with him, so he can insult you in person? You deserve more than him.