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A half-assed relationship is better?
I don't know man, she's clearly cheating so you guys have got bigger issues. Maybe your priorities were wrong.
But I always see guys in here going “my fiancée of 8/10/13 years is suddenly acting different…?” and I don't get how you can't see what's right in front of you.
So you really don't love him that much, well… Not enough to be truthful.
You better be ok with him keeping secrets as well then, because the hypocrisy will be a nice coating of oil to your ascent back up to trustworthiness.. and God forbid your ex get upset you blocked him and he tell your husband..
Tell him, work through the pain and hopefully.. he loves you more than you love him and he wants to work this out.. if not, then humbly accept the divorce and grow from this.
You don't get a free pass from the consequences of your actions because you had “unresolved feelings”. You cheated, both emotionally and basically physically ( sorry, it's naked to believe someone who can lie and keep secrets that culminate in an EA and possible PA ) and you want a get out of jail free card.. doesn't happen.
You tell your husband and work through it, most likely needing counseling of both individual and marriage ( if he chooses to stay) and hope to God he is a man who doesn't have the same mindset of most of us here..
ND if you decide to NOT tell him, like some jokers have commented previously, then you're just confirming to everyone here how much you simply don't deserve this man, nor this relationship. Your marriage will be built on a foundation of lies, and i hope he finds out anyway, whereas the consequences will be much more dire, because you decided, yet again, for him in a situation in which he GRAVELY needs his say.
Do better! Be better! And for god sakes, don't trap this man in a marriage to a liar, you have the power to do the right thing, stop being such a shitty wife.
If it were a financial thing but he really wanted to marry you, you'd be at city hall tomorrow and saving for a big party two years from now. He knows how much this means for you and doesn't care enough to work around the financial situation. You don't need money to get married.
I think I lose either way. I can live! with my parent's disapproval of him as long as he and them can at least be cordial. But my parents also just had a situation with my sister, where they told her that her bf is not welcome around the family ever, only her and any kids they have. Mind you, my sister's situation is a bit more extreme and there were a list of reasons why my parents made that decision.
File a police report. He started you, averaged at you, got violent and broke things in the house. He insults you constantly. This is not a healthy relationship. Get him removed from the house. It's only going to get worse. This i know from experience.
You are right to break up with her. She was only with you because you were paying her bills. She kept seeing guys because you were her ATM, not her boyfriend. And all this happened in just 3 months is just crazy. You didn’t know each other at all. Next time don’t rush a relationship. Don’t ask someone to move so quickly before you know what your “different lifestyles” are. But don’t take her back. I do hope she has some place to stay because she did move away from her home to be with you. You owe her that much. But you don’t owe her a single lifestyle while you pay her bills.
By multiple partners I don't mean the exact same scenario I mean some expected it every day and moaned about it and others moaned after a few days but my it has been very similar and I have compromised massively but guilt tripping is not something that really gets me in the mood to be honest.
This is over the top crazy. Divorce her. What on earth are you doing? This is also super illegal as it’s immigration fraud. You aren’t married to her actually. It seems like a fake relationship. Let her move back home. You don’t owe her anything
well this just got very interesting.
I think the key is to recognize why you want to get engaged right now. That allows you to think objectively about whether any of those are good reasons.
Also, there are many other steps to take on the way to marriage: discuss timelines with your bf, discuss how you'd handle key issues, spend time discussing your respective life goals. An engagement can be a milestone on the way to spending your life with someone, but other milestones are actually much more important.
I still haven’t told her yet cause if I do she’ll start breaking down and probably say it’s her fault. How do I bring this up to her?
Um, it sort of is her fault. Even if you were living with your parents before moving in together, moving out, then back probably precipitated or at least hurried their kicking you out.
Breaking down is manipulative – and guess what – even the threat of her breaking down is manipulating you, so it's working.
However, you need to be clear about why you're telling her. Are you trying to guilt her into taking you back? Why can't you afford to live! somewhere, even a room? Was she paying all the bills and rent? You're missing a LOT of details that bear directly on this situation.
Stop talking to him and block him if your uncomfortable. Flirtatious texts – if that is all you're doing – is nothing and you don't know what sort of arrangements he has with his wife.
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This sounds like an incredibly lopsided relationship. Look at things from his point of view. He never gets his way.
As he bought gifts for others, he never thought of you?
You sound selfish and she probably thinks you hate her because of it. Phones work both ways. You don't always have to be asked to do something you can be the one asking someone else also. It's fucking Christmas. Put a fake smile on if you have to. It's not going to kill you. And big family or not, go both places on Christmas even or switch it up yearly. Also, there isn't anything wrong with being autistic. A lot of people you'd never even know are on the spectrum in some way.
Your husband should be the one handling this with her. He needs to call her and let her know that he loves her but you aren’t going to be taking her in again. You can’t control what her reaction will be, he just needs to be clear and firm.
You can get it done for about $400 or so right now and the price is going down all the time. If it's worth blowing up your life over, it's worth $400.
Seriously. And also it is a dating app, just numbers and preferences on some screen, not some hardcoded truth about oneself. It is the underlying rationale behind setting the filters that matters.
The sadist in me loves this
Nobody starts out intending to cheat. It's small boundaries being broken on a continuous basis, plenty of alone time, cuddling. Footrubs. This takes away time from you, his supposed gf. What if you were being cuddled, and a friend who is a guy spends alone time with you. If left untreated this will escalate. I would say “honey your time with her is taking away from us. If you want us to remain together you need to cut this off with her.
Your right mate. I've not had any issues. If they say no just move on. It's no big issue.
I never said op needs to trust him? I said she has some CLEAR insecurities and they are bouncing off the page if you chose to actually read the post. The relationship is over. Op needs to work on HER issues. This isn’t about him, she had major insecurities and those don’t just go away. It’s not normal to be so jealous and if your that way I urge you to also get help. It’s not fun and it’s not ok.
If her ex was writing this I would have different advice. The thing is, op states she dumped him so cool but that doesn’t negate her original insecurities- which need to be worked on regardless of if she stays in the relationship or not.
Nope. You did nothing wrong here. And you didn’t make yourself or her look bad. In fact, you tried to help a friend. You told your girlfriend the cute funny story. Turns out she’s just crazy.
Your sister is smarter than your GF. Move on to better things
by reading the post.
Grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Sometimes it needs nurturing on your side. Be glad your husband took you back
I think you should have approached this with discussion and communication of issues rather than passive aggressive approach. Even if you are trying to “make things fair”, that's not how you solve issues. Thats just more like a way to build resentment and start a war.
Valid, but you don’t have a sexual desire to see your mom’s genitals which is what OP’s GF was implying.
Well that's really shitty of her because men have 0 reproduction rights. It's not equality.
I knew it wasn't okay, but I kept believing that he would change because I had also seen the “nicer” side of him. I also grew up in a family where perfectionism is expected – I had to be multi-talented, excel in every sphere, which I did…but after a while, it took a heavy toll. I suffer from extreme self-doubt and insecurity and keep feeling like I am not “perfect enough”. I guess he saw that, too. I kept trying to please him, be the “perfect girlfriend” at all costs, my mental and physical health dived. I was also freshly grieving the death of my grandmother when we started dating, so his love felt everything to me then (love bombing stage). I was and am wounded, I think… I need to finally heal.
I'm inclined to believe the age difference makes a difference. to him it was a joke, a 43 yo immature guy thinks that way. you are still relatively young (I have a 30yo daughter, I think of her same way), you're young, it's perfectly natural to feel offended. sounds like he is deflecting thereby leading to you feeling Invalidated. recipe for disaster if he doesnt come around to understanding how u feel. needs to be a sit down work it out discussion
Well unfortunately, some people go through similar experiences in the community but until today I’ve only used Reddit for porn lol
So you’re cheating, not physically yet but most definitely emotionally. I’d like to hear your wife’s side. What exactly are you doing to make her feel beautiful or make her life easier? Talking to other women? You are 100% cheating and pretending it’s okay is pathetic, when I’m sure you’d be pissed if she was doing it. No one’s going to pity you, hope your wife finds better, she deserves it.
Thank you. He has tried therapy (we both did couples and individual therapy for about 6 months) AA, in patient rehab (court ordered which I arranged with help from the VA and his attorney in lieu of additional jail time) I just continually keep getting the blame like he didn’t have this issue long before we became a couple. But I was young and never encountered an alcoholic before. Not an excuse but I just feel like I’m drowning with no life jacket. Thank you for your feedback. ❤️
I can relate because I'm 35 and I was told when I was in my 20s I probably wouldn't be able to have a kid after 33. I have accepted that I don't get to have kids, but deep down I know I wish I could.
That said, I would never let a partner think or assume I would get an abortion because I wouldn't. I am very pro abortion for those who want or need one, but I could never personally make that choice in the place I am now in life where I very much could have a kid and secretly wish I could. Shame on you for not being honest with him. Maybe you were also lying to yourself, but it wasn't fair. He deserved to make an informed decision about his reproduction and you took that away. If you choose to have this baby, you have almost certainly irreparably damaged the relationship. If you don't have the baby, you will resent him and irreparably damage the relationship.
So now assume your relationship is over and make the best decision for you – it sounds like that is keeping the pregnancy.
Yes. You should. A partner who blames you for all of their problems and who makes you feel untrustworthy is an emotional abuser. The logic is flawed: it doesn't matter if every single human on the planet wants to bone you – if he's worried you'll cheat it's YOU he doesn't trust. Not because you deserve that mistrust, but because he's insecure and/or cheating on you (projecting). Of course he has good qualities too – but his abusive ones will NOT change and they will continue to corrode your relationship until you become a shell of yourself.
Look man, if you want to break up break up, but you're being ridiculous.
He was hugging and kissing me so much for the first two days I moved back into the house and was saying I’m going to get so much love I’m going to hate it. That is already gone after two days right back to where it was before and getting constantly rejected and nudged away. He weaselled his way out of doing something I wanted to do this past weekend and we did what he wanted to do. I tripped over our dog gate and I was told to use my brain and to fucking watch it and was yelling and when I asked him to please watch his tone and yelling he yelled at me for now that I left he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around the house with me and he isn’t allowed to be angry or annoyed anymore cause to me it’s “mean”. I said that’s not true I just want him to focus on not yelling, swearing and commenting on my brain or intelligence in any way and that me tripping did not deserve being berated. He continued to yell about how I never listen and I’m face deep in my phone that’s why I walked into the gate. I was not on my phone. He likes to use my phone a lot as a reason. Always asking who I’m texting or what I’m doing on it. I was at the mall a couple nights ago and he called me twice and texted me twice asking where I was so I called him and jokingly said “heyyyyyy you you’re so needy jeesh” while laughing in a lighthearted joking way. I would of said the same thing to my mother or best friend and he said FUCK YOU and hung up. I called back and he sent me to voicemail. I got home and was told how funny it is the double standards in this relationship and how I can call him names but he can’t call me names and how I can be rude but he can’t. He talks around in Circles when I say let’s just talk about this and how this is being blown up. I could go on with some more examples.
We had a therapy appointment today the first one together which I said was a must when I moved back in and all week exclaimed how badly he didn’t want to go. He’s fucked up and someone telling him that won’t help. Waste of time and money etc Today before we went was saying I gave him a stupid ultimatum for him to go to therapy etc and I said to him it is needed for this to survive. What I’m so upset about is how the appointment went today. He played a major victim. I have seen her in the past couple Months and suspected narcissistic tendencies and emotional abuse.
He knew I wanted this appointment to be about his behaviour. Not me. And figuring out how to navigate his random explosions and overall negativity on pretty much everything. She’s like ok let’s begin and I was like I feel you explode over little tiny things that don’t deserve being yelled at or name called to begin with to start off this conversation. He goes Yeah well you call me names too… You called me needy this week. This is the one time I’ve EVER called him anything and it’s getting used against me. I wanted this to be about him and his past and how or what makes him yell and be mean and get angry and call names And it just turned into a blame game. Then he’s like you’re always on your phone and it was just deflecting to me over and over. He lied several times to her I was shocked. Said I called him names too and have called him fat, over sensitive and that I always bring up the past and his past issues to him and I have never ever done any of those I was floored but felt cause I was “caught” with the needy thing he felt he could say these lies. He said Apparently he lashes out because he doesn’t feel heard because I’m always face deep in my phone. I’m on it a normal amount plus I own a small business which requires a lot of phone use which he knows about.
She’s like are you willing to work on change to my husband. And he was like well I don’t call her names anymore (he now says are you dumb? Instead of just straight up dumb or idiot or he says use your brain!) then he says but it’s really naked not to yell.. it’s like an automatic response. So she told him to pause before yelling because I don’t deserve it and gave us a sheet to take home on communication….
I got in the car and he called it dumb driving home therapy is so dumb he said. He’s like it feels like nothing has changed in that hour. I feel like he over talked and I just got overwhelmed so I sat there silent a lot and I felt like I just kept defending myself to him for things I do but they are minuscule in comparison.
Not saying I’m an Angel and I’m perfect. I could be on my phone less for sure. He also says I have a problem admitting I’m at fault or I’m the one being mean but I truly don’t see where I’m being that way. I always try and communicate to no avail. But he still makes me question if I’m the one being crazy here and maybe I am overreacting? My brain is a mess.
OH and on the way home he wanted to stop at game stop so I can buy him a game for payment for helping me with my small business event this weekend (I told him weeks ago I’d treat him to something if he helped me because he used to never come or show up to help but expected things/gifts from me for working extra nude and in my off hours for the extra income.. he has no part in the businesses. I offered the treat thing weeks ago like a video game or something so we could both be happy and solve that problem and I sometimes needed help and he wanted stuff from my fun money I work extra hours for)
absolutely spot on
That update…Not only is your husband an AH, he's also thick. Does he not understand that the main issue here is that he SCREAMED at you and tried to boss you around like you were his least favourite employee and not, you know, his actual wife?
Does he think being a stepfather means that he's not a parent? Does he see the “father” part?
Ah thank you. I've always wanted to look into it tbh
Go to college, you will adjust.
Glad I could help lol.. I got weirdly pissed off by your story! Read one awhile back we're OPs husband divorced them and then got really upset when OPs life became absolutely amazing over the years and theirs was crap.. I hate that shit! Lol
Work on yourself. Fix those things. Urgently. With great attention and importance.
Your list of downsides is serious, exhausting, and would not allow for a healthy relationship. Keep your appointment. Go to it. Ask for help. Take the help. Implement the plan. Get on meds, stay on meds, never stop taking the meds. Get a job. Enthusiastically participate in talk therapy to work on your insecurities and communication weaknesses.
Live! your life, and make these improvements, for yourself. Not for her. Because you deserve to have a full and complete life.
You literally said he’s done this twice before so how has he changed. He’s acting the same and you’re making excuses
He tells me he loves me, he couldn't be without me, works naked to support us financially, he's protective, idk what ways is he supposed to?
Nothing low level about it
First of all, she’s probably his age.
Second of all, Monday after he flies off, you’re meeting with a divorce lawyer.
The way that he treats you and dismisses you is absolutely not OK, and you will move onto better things, look back on this first marriage and laugh.
It does read a bit like he was using his unemployment as an excuse for not having children, since you can afford things like IVF and embryo storage, but if you chose to believe that then what is preventing you from believing that two months — ONLY two months — of employment isn't enough to make him feel financially secure after years of instability? It sounds like your priorities are changing and the relationship is no longer more important than motherhood, and that you've been trying to deny that since last year when this escalated to embryo freezing. It's okay to leave if you need to.
I guess I don't understand why you'd use those embryos when they're only a year old? Are you no longer physically able to just do it again with a sperm donor?
He not only raped you, but used your prior history of sexual abuse against you. Please leave him, because he will do this again. It will not get better. Leave him and talk to someone. A therapist, the police, a trusted friend or family member, or even faculty member at your school. Or all of the above. But please talk to someone.
When someone blames childhood trauma or a past relationship for why they can't function normally the appropriate response is to tell them to get into therapy. It's unlikely that at 20 you're a licensed psychologist. So just tell her she needs more help than you can give. Of course you feel resentment, this succubus is bleeding you dry. She needs real medical intervention.