OP I'm going to be blunt, but you're 20. If you lose him you lose a guy you've dated for a year and likely won't be dating next year even if you didn't have medical school.
And frankly, if he can't handle the build up to you being in med school, he definitely won't be able to handle you actually being in med school.
We take experiences we have with or heard about someone and form a mental image of them, then we react in love, joy, anger, saddness when this image meets reality. it can be accurate it’s not truly them, they are more than the experiences you know of, but rather this image is who you believe them to be. And sometimes we find out our image of them was completely wrong.
With this In some sense the person you loved and desired is not the person before you, as they wouldn’t have betrayed your trust. It’s easier to move foreword when you separate what you wanted to happen in your head and what actually happened in front of you and accept having been wrong in who you believed you were dating. Acceptance can look like disappointment as long you understand it’s also okay to have been wrong in your judgements. There will be new people in your life and you don’t want to have a fear of Being wrong again govern your actions, it just happens and it’s okay.
I believe it is more along the lines of first love instead of love of your life.
You will more than likely find out by meeting someone else, and having feelings for them, and then getting to actually have sex will make you see this differently.
Well, he plans “to do a lot of dating”, so at least he'll have a lot of “friends” after he rejects them all for the next one. Something about the chase here with this one…
I get that dating around can be part of college, but I don't understand the “plan to do a lot of dating”. Is that code for sleeping around these days? And since OP sounds like he perceives himself as Austin Powers (irresistible, am I right?) surely he'll be doing all the heartbreaking.
Dating is dating. Hooking up is hooking up.
At 35, I feel WAAAYYY too old for whatever code OP is speaking.
Lol sounds like shes not a fake person. Thats so lame of you to say that and assume she should just go along with it. These people exist and function when you arent around, you arent the center of their universe. Sounds like you need to ground yourself more, check your ego bc man it sounds like you’re so self enthralled.
Your husband sounds like a jackass. Listen to me, don't subject yourself to unhappiness. I would suggest therapy separately and together first. If that doesn't work, then tbh, I'd divorce him. There are people out there who can and will help you. You can justify divorce because he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. I mean, he yells at you for no reason? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this behaviour is OK? If friends abandon you, they were never true friends to begin with. You can get through this OP. Please, don't make yourself unhappy anymore.
I think you missed the part where I insinuated that the phrase can easily be turned to “don't let crazy stick its dick in you”.
I realize “crazy” is a grossly misused term and can be very marginalizing, but the process of changing established language patterns is a long and often fruitless process, and heuristics often win out in the realm of common use.
He is unfortunately very against any form of counseling and therapy
This is a whole separate issue, but one you may want to consider carefully. Therapy can be one very valuable tool in learning to embrace joy in life and move away from more negative emotions. You are impacted by his choices in this.
“After 3 months of dating she convides in me she’s here illegally because she didn’t update her visa..She was being honest and gave me an out if I wanted it” – guilt trip! Emotional blackmail.. test to see if you're an idiot (how you feel).
Why she would give you “out” if you wanted? She shouldn't pull you in in the first place! She should kicked you out .. she wasn't honest, lied by omission for 3 months in order for you to get attached during a “lovebombing” phase. How can you abandon someone who's lovebombing you, making you feel special, making you believe they are your soulmate… You failed to recognize the manipulation!
On-line and learn buddy! Always trust your gut!
You are not special, nobody wants to be inseparable from you and act like a teenager. Go Google lovebombing!
i think you wrote all of this out here because you already know the answer. i hope all these comments give you confidence that you are right. you deserve to feel safe in love
Also, I don’t want to go to the spa without being planned. I don’t shave my legs meticulously so if someone else is in my space or touching my I need to like shower and not be all work-stress-sweaty first.
Work to spa is the opposite of fun to me. Spa is for weekend when I’m already relaxed.
no, absolutely not. I commented elsewhere, we had a nice birthday, deciding to do a fancy dinner another night. But, in lieu of that I got her thoughtful gifts which she loved as well as baked her a cake.
I don't want to dwell too much on the manager thing. The most alarming thing for me here is that you have planned all this, and then just dumped it on her, with an expectation that she will absolutely love it, and there was no space for her to have any other reaction than what you anticipated. Do you see how childish that is? You only cared about looking good and everything going according to the plan as opposed to making your girlfriend happy in this whole scenario. How dare she not squeal with joy.
People's ideas about what constitutes romantic situations can differ, so maybe ask her what she means when she says you never do anything romantic. Maybe she meant you never pop out to buy a croissant and a coffee for her in the morning, not whisking her away when she was in the middle of work.
You sound super dismissive when talking about her work. People in the food industry I know are very particular about taking days off, it's not as straightforward as it seems. You sound like a douche.
How to respond — explain that you meant well and were trying to make her happy but didn't think to ask what she would like. Apologize for blowing up at her when she was understandably confused and upset. Have better emotional regulation and grow up.
Tell him you have no intention of being in competition with her. Prefferably he would stop hanging out with her, or at least not without you being there as well. Speaking of which he needs to demand her to act with respect towards you. You are his gf and she needs to act like she understands her place. If he can't do even thst you can't stay with him.
Definitely don’t walk around in just boxers with a teen girl in the house. Shorts at a minimum!
As far as the rest goes. Need a shirt? Must wear trousers? No fuck that! Especially if she’s expecting you to be ok with her not following the same guidelines. Never allow double standards, if it’s modesty for one, it’s modesty for all.
I don’t believe it either. It just seems too incredible to be believed. I have colleagues from India who have had arranged marriages and some are good and some aren’t. The wives of those men would never accept their husbands getting off with other women. Doesn’t matter who she is and how accepting.
She got pregnant after one try? Not believable at all. I got my ex pregnant after 6 months and we didn’t use condoms. Sometimes it happens quick other times with other people it takes awhile.
I think this could be it. I was a kid that was pushed and academically excelled. But-at the cost of most of my childhood. My parents loved me and very much were trying to do the right thing. They just wanted me to succeed, and at the time I was on board.
It was only when I was an adult and became a parent myself, that I realized how huge the trade off had been. When my daughter started showing signs of being similar to me I did everything in my power to make sure she would go through school with her age peers. I moved so I could put her in a language immersion school because I figured it would help keep her level with other kids.
Spoiler: it didn’t. But she did graduate within her age appropriate school year so I feel my efforts were not completely in vain.
But, I can see how someone thinking the way I did would respond this way. Turns out three kids later I realized I can’t and shouldn’t write their story for them. They have to write their own, and I have to say, they are turning into brilliant stories.
Due to the fact that I give a ton of advice on here and have seen many situations like this, I can assure you that this would bother a lot of people, but at the end of the day, anecdotes don't matter, because they're not you or your situation.
Personally, if my ex slept with someone after our break up, there would be no what if, because I probably wouldn't know, but I legitimately wouldn't care if I did, because the relationship is over. You're not in a situation where you need to say that it's not an excuse that it happened while partying. Why? Because you don't need to excuse what you did. You're single.
Did you mess up for good? Let's put things into perspective; you had a bad breakup. There's logically issues in the relationship that weren't addressed which led to this breakup. You sleeping around ruins the relationship for good? Whether you slept around or not, if you get back together are the issues now magically gone?
Oh, I see? Are you saying it’s unfair to assign thoughts and motivations when there is no way I could see what’s in your head?
What a coincidence, you and I agree after all.
Maybe this is me just venting this out for validation but how can a guy like that go from being sweet to so vicious?
He was always vicious, the sweetness was just an act meant to reel you in. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, stay safe.
If I lose him, I lose everything.
OP I'm going to be blunt, but you're 20. If you lose him you lose a guy you've dated for a year and likely won't be dating next year even if you didn't have medical school.
And frankly, if he can't handle the build up to you being in med school, he definitely won't be able to handle you actually being in med school.
We take experiences we have with or heard about someone and form a mental image of them, then we react in love, joy, anger, saddness when this image meets reality. it can be accurate it’s not truly them, they are more than the experiences you know of, but rather this image is who you believe them to be. And sometimes we find out our image of them was completely wrong.
With this In some sense the person you loved and desired is not the person before you, as they wouldn’t have betrayed your trust. It’s easier to move foreword when you separate what you wanted to happen in your head and what actually happened in front of you and accept having been wrong in who you believed you were dating. Acceptance can look like disappointment as long you understand it’s also okay to have been wrong in your judgements. There will be new people in your life and you don’t want to have a fear of Being wrong again govern your actions, it just happens and it’s okay.
I believe it is more along the lines of first love instead of love of your life.
You will more than likely find out by meeting someone else, and having feelings for them, and then getting to actually have sex will make you see this differently.
Please don't bring another unwanted child into this world.
Well, he plans “to do a lot of dating”, so at least he'll have a lot of “friends” after he rejects them all for the next one. Something about the chase here with this one…
I get that dating around can be part of college, but I don't understand the “plan to do a lot of dating”. Is that code for sleeping around these days? And since OP sounds like he perceives himself as Austin Powers (irresistible, am I right?) surely he'll be doing all the heartbreaking.
Dating is dating. Hooking up is hooking up.
At 35, I feel WAAAYYY too old for whatever code OP is speaking.
Many don't admit even after being caught- expect denial, truth trickling, and when cannot refute evidence- blame.
Lol sounds like shes not a fake person. Thats so lame of you to say that and assume she should just go along with it. These people exist and function when you arent around, you arent the center of their universe. Sounds like you need to ground yourself more, check your ego bc man it sounds like you’re so self enthralled.
Your husband sounds like a jackass. Listen to me, don't subject yourself to unhappiness. I would suggest therapy separately and together first. If that doesn't work, then tbh, I'd divorce him. There are people out there who can and will help you. You can justify divorce because he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. I mean, he yells at you for no reason? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this behaviour is OK? If friends abandon you, they were never true friends to begin with. You can get through this OP. Please, don't make yourself unhappy anymore.
I think you missed the part where I insinuated that the phrase can easily be turned to “don't let crazy stick its dick in you”.
I realize “crazy” is a grossly misused term and can be very marginalizing, but the process of changing established language patterns is a long and often fruitless process, and heuristics often win out in the realm of common use.
Coming from someone who has and still suffers with both. I can assure you that you need to fix this before it spirals. This is not normal.
That's fake af.
He is unfortunately very against any form of counseling and therapy
This is a whole separate issue, but one you may want to consider carefully. Therapy can be one very valuable tool in learning to embrace joy in life and move away from more negative emotions. You are impacted by his choices in this.
Trust your feeling!
“After 3 months of dating she convides in me she’s here illegally because she didn’t update her visa..She was being honest and gave me an out if I wanted it” – guilt trip! Emotional blackmail.. test to see if you're an idiot (how you feel).
Why she would give you “out” if you wanted? She shouldn't pull you in in the first place! She should kicked you out .. she wasn't honest, lied by omission for 3 months in order for you to get attached during a “lovebombing” phase. How can you abandon someone who's lovebombing you, making you feel special, making you believe they are your soulmate… You failed to recognize the manipulation!
On-line and learn buddy! Always trust your gut!
You are not special, nobody wants to be inseparable from you and act like a teenager. Go Google lovebombing!
I’m confused because my actions don’t make me a misogynist just like hers don’t make her misandrist.
I mean what are you even asking? Are y’all still together or something if not just don’t pay attention and move on.
i think you wrote all of this out here because you already know the answer. i hope all these comments give you confidence that you are right. you deserve to feel safe in love
Also, I don’t want to go to the spa without being planned. I don’t shave my legs meticulously so if someone else is in my space or touching my I need to like shower and not be all work-stress-sweaty first.
Work to spa is the opposite of fun to me. Spa is for weekend when I’m already relaxed.
He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings to YOU. But it seems he doesn’t have a problem talking about this stuff with the co worker.
no, absolutely not. I commented elsewhere, we had a nice birthday, deciding to do a fancy dinner another night. But, in lieu of that I got her thoughtful gifts which she loved as well as baked her a cake.
I don't want to dwell too much on the manager thing. The most alarming thing for me here is that you have planned all this, and then just dumped it on her, with an expectation that she will absolutely love it, and there was no space for her to have any other reaction than what you anticipated. Do you see how childish that is? You only cared about looking good and everything going according to the plan as opposed to making your girlfriend happy in this whole scenario. How dare she not squeal with joy.
People's ideas about what constitutes romantic situations can differ, so maybe ask her what she means when she says you never do anything romantic. Maybe she meant you never pop out to buy a croissant and a coffee for her in the morning, not whisking her away when she was in the middle of work.
You sound super dismissive when talking about her work. People in the food industry I know are very particular about taking days off, it's not as straightforward as it seems. You sound like a douche.
How to respond — explain that you meant well and were trying to make her happy but didn't think to ask what she would like. Apologize for blowing up at her when she was understandably confused and upset. Have better emotional regulation and grow up.
Tell him you have no intention of being in competition with her. Prefferably he would stop hanging out with her, or at least not without you being there as well. Speaking of which he needs to demand her to act with respect towards you. You are his gf and she needs to act like she understands her place. If he can't do even thst you can't stay with him.
Exactly! He said he didn’t think it was important to mention her but when I prodded more, He said she broke his heart and the breakup was really hard…
Definitely don’t walk around in just boxers with a teen girl in the house. Shorts at a minimum!
As far as the rest goes. Need a shirt? Must wear trousers? No fuck that! Especially if she’s expecting you to be ok with her not following the same guidelines. Never allow double standards, if it’s modesty for one, it’s modesty for all.
He wanted to settle down and she did not (his words).
Let him settle down and don't be a part of any of it!
Too many red flags… You are young, find someone with less skeletons in the closet. There's still time!
I don’t believe it either. It just seems too incredible to be believed. I have colleagues from India who have had arranged marriages and some are good and some aren’t. The wives of those men would never accept their husbands getting off with other women. Doesn’t matter who she is and how accepting.
She got pregnant after one try? Not believable at all. I got my ex pregnant after 6 months and we didn’t use condoms. Sometimes it happens quick other times with other people it takes awhile.
Get away from this whole bullshit situation
Also, I have started researching more and it seems this is quite a common fantasy for many guys.
Fr these men are so repressed 🙁 toxic isolating culture
I think this could be it. I was a kid that was pushed and academically excelled. But-at the cost of most of my childhood. My parents loved me and very much were trying to do the right thing. They just wanted me to succeed, and at the time I was on board.
It was only when I was an adult and became a parent myself, that I realized how huge the trade off had been. When my daughter started showing signs of being similar to me I did everything in my power to make sure she would go through school with her age peers. I moved so I could put her in a language immersion school because I figured it would help keep her level with other kids.
Spoiler: it didn’t. But she did graduate within her age appropriate school year so I feel my efforts were not completely in vain.
But, I can see how someone thinking the way I did would respond this way. Turns out three kids later I realized I can’t and shouldn’t write their story for them. They have to write their own, and I have to say, they are turning into brilliant stories.
Well when you put it like that..
Due to the fact that I give a ton of advice on here and have seen many situations like this, I can assure you that this would bother a lot of people, but at the end of the day, anecdotes don't matter, because they're not you or your situation.
Personally, if my ex slept with someone after our break up, there would be no what if, because I probably wouldn't know, but I legitimately wouldn't care if I did, because the relationship is over. You're not in a situation where you need to say that it's not an excuse that it happened while partying. Why? Because you don't need to excuse what you did. You're single.
Did you mess up for good? Let's put things into perspective; you had a bad breakup. There's logically issues in the relationship that weren't addressed which led to this breakup. You sleeping around ruins the relationship for good? Whether you slept around or not, if you get back together are the issues now magically gone?
You are dating a toddler. Why do you want to be with someone like this?
Tell her that you love her but she has issues out of your ability to help
Lol.
It’s diet, the food you eat has a huge effect on the way you smell
Thanks! I wore it for my boyfriends name”.
Was there laughing afterwards or did she make a funny face like it was a joke?
on her and in college would go to her apartment at night in the hopes of hooking up with her and it just never happened.
Hes dumb for telling u that.
this situation is very triggering for me.
Obviously.. thinking u need therapy for this otherwise u can never be with anyone that has women friends.
lazybones
Cut your losses.
This is attached to his internalized homophobia and more importantly to his insecurity in his masculinity.